Yes, MrsRob...takes time, forgiveness comes...respect comes first. Took me five months to forgive my H after NC...and he's still working on it after 1.5 years...he'll get there...that's his, not mine.

Your BH is experiencing the most painful time of his life and is trying very hard to get you to not just acknowledge and validate his pain, but to FEEL it...and you can't. You must own that you cannot know the depth of his pain...and speak that truth.

You must know that respecting what is his and knowing what is yours is imperative to answer his assertion that by the time he's done being angry at you, you won't want to stay in the marriage...with...

"You cannot drive me from this marriage or from you. Only I choose. I choose you, DH. I choose to wash away my own past resentments, and vow to make no new ones...I am working on seeing your anger as your own...valid, true...and to answer all your questions, be open and honest, though my shame is crushing, because I choose you."

There's no doormat in that...and you working on your resentments leads the way...up to him to choose or not choose to eliminate his own. Be firm, MrsRob...know what your plan is, how you're going to be and why...then BE it.

When he speaks, listen...intently...do not take what he's saying as an attack...but as information...if he AOs or DJs (includes name calling), then say, "I hear you yelling and name calling. If you continue, I will have to remove myself from this conversation for one hour until I can calm down enough to hear what you're saying." Calm, strong and honest about the reaction...not expressing through body language or facial expressions...words...you...speak.

Time, MrsRob...what exercises are you both doing for the marriage? Books you're reading...all the rules...15 hours of UA...radical honesty? And yes, you can fill out the EN questionnaire for him, best you can...and as you do things...say, domestic support...tell him you thought he might like it...is that an EN? Slowly, like nursing the near-fatal patient...focus on yourself, respect, and most importantly...really getting the why of your EA...why you chose what you chose...

Then share it.

LA

MrsRob,

LA is a godsend. She is very knowledgeable, been there done that from both sides. She has helped me immensly. Follow her advice, try the exercise she has on her thread Owning All Your Villagers Thread here http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=1#Post2983441

Good Luck! You are doing good.

In a weird twisted way I almost wish he'd have an A so I could honestly feel how he feels. THen we'd be "even." I know this is not a good way to feel......

I'm so scared......it's so hard not knowing, but doing anyway....

Be scared, MrsRob...know what beliefs your fear is coming from...state what you believe which is causing you fear...

And you already know that you wouldn't want your H sacrificing his intergrity to help you in anyway...I know you know that...I know you don't fear the pain...I didn't...please take my word for it...you don't want to go there, ever.

Accepting you cannot make this even is the key. Accepting you did what you did...knowing why you did...where you gave yourself permissions...you can revoke them...knowing created and built resentment within yourself...so you can commit to not creating new resentment...and you can find your power for the first time in your life...

all by accepting what is, not wishing for what isn't...

And be careful what you wish for...use the time on accepting reality...time well-spent.

Oh, and breathe...deep breaths...lots of them...slow and soothing...this brings life back to you...your focus back to your essentials...centers you...

Forgot about that. Really important. Did you know you're on the road to saving your marriage?

LA