MY WH and I have been separated 7 months. He has been having an affair with a woman at work. He has consistently asked for a divorce, but not filed. He has said he didn't want to work on the marriage at all (even belfore I confronted and finally asked him to leave).

All of a suddden, divorce talk is gone, he wants to refi the house, gave me small gifts including a DVD of out past vacations together and used our wedding music as background. He is not pressuring the refi--and only wants to lower the payments, not take cash out. He is making the house payments.

I am confused as to what to do with him? Do I ask him about his change in behavior or just wait and see what he does next? No direct talk of reconciling--just vague comments about refi when things are a little 'more stabilized". The OW is not threatening to me--she has a kid, and he doesn't want any. I believe this affair will end, but when or if it has I don't know. He may be calling for closeness (not intimacy--he wouldn't get it!), he may be up to something--hate to say it, but I am not a trusting spouse any longer. IF I question him will it set him running?

Any ideas of how to deal with him?

THanks for listening

Dancer

Dancer,

We need a little more info to help you. How long have you been married and how old are you guys? No children?

I would be very careful. The fact that he is suddenly being nice and sending you gifts at the same time he is bringing us a refi is troubling. He may be looking to refi to finance his affair and may be trying to butter you up to do it. Whose name/s are the house in? I think you need to look into protecting your finances. Where is he living and how long has he been gone? What was your marriage like?

You're right. Here's my info.

Married 8 1/2 years--very happily until affair
BS-Me 50
WH-40
ONe son, his from previous marriage 12
DDay Thanksgiving 2005
Moved out 1/6/06

Here's the confusing part. We had just come to an agreement about the property settlement, and his offer was generous. I told him I was ready to move ahead as quickly as he needed me to, then all of a sudden he wanted to talk refi. The strange thing is, he would get quite a bit of money from the sale of our house, which is what would have to happen. So if it's money he wants, a divorce would give him cash.

I won't pretend to be over the hurt, but I am well on my way and am accepting the fact that we may not be married any longer. I think he senses that. At the same time, I also had the suspeicion that he may want to finance the affair, but he is not pressuring for the ref-just suggesting it. My gut tells me he wants to divert the attention from the divorce to perhaps buy more time, but not sure. I don't know whether to confront him, to ask if he's still seeing her (I did see them out together about 2 weeks ago...) or just wait and see what happens. He cannot refi without my signature, my assets are protected I have an attorney, and I'm being cautious. Just don't know how to proceed with him.

Yes, I do want my marriage saved if possible.

Thanks for your reply. IT helps to hear what others have gone through.

Dancer

I would absolutely not refinance the house, or make any kind of agreements with him while he is having an affair. Also please check with an attorney to protect your assets. My WH went through over $200,000. of our joint assets financing his affair, and he has NOTHING to show for it.

Believer,

I think you're right. I will not sign anything while we are still separated. THanks for your advice

Dancer

Dancer,

Do you know why his first marriage ended? Yours was not an affair marriage, was it? If he divorced you, he would be going on marriage #3 if he was so inclined. This usually means he is repeating the same behavior patterns and not resolving the ones that don't work.

Your marriage does have a good chance to work if you'd like it to. Read all you can here and continue to post. Good luck.

Dear Shattered,

Thanks for the encouragement. No, we are not an affair marriage, and his first wife left him--she had an affair shortly after her pregnancy--they were in collage and it lasted just a months after their son was born. We met in church several years after his (and my) divorce.

My gut, and I could be wrong, is that he is waking up. Slowly...not sure how to proceed....wants to connect, but afraid of jumping in. He is not pressing the refi at all. Just offering it as a suggestion. I am concerned that I'm wearing rose colored glasses. The husband I knew would never try to cheat me out of money....but then the husband I knew would never have had an affair, either.

I guess that's what I am struggling with. How do I proceed? Will I discourage him if I tell him of my utter fear of trusting him again, or should I just sit back and wait and see what happens? Do I have the direct conversation, or let him show his cards, if he's ready? Maybe I am being played for a fool and don't know it.

It's the not knowing that drives me nuts.

Thanks for responding and the encouragement.

Dancer

I completely trusted my husband. He had always been an honorable man. While I was Plan A'ing him, he drained our finances. It's been over 3 years, and we are divorcing. He had the nerve to try to get the rest of our assets.

I am devastated. I just saw my husband, the OW and her child. He hugged and played with the child as though she were his own. What a fool I have been. Here I thought he was trying to find a way back. I am not willing to wait much longer. I don't think I have it in me.

DAncer

Is she married?

I hope you will see an attorney and protect yourself while you are Plan A'ing him.

She got a divorce last August. Just when the affair started apparently. I have seen an attorney and he said to accept the offer that my husband made. IT was in my favor. SHe is prettier than I thought, and that really hurts.

Dancer

Well, you are still very early in this. Your husband is probably mixed up. Affairs usually die a natural death.

Have you exposed the affair? That would be to the work place, friends and family.

Where did you see them?

Yes, the affair is exposed to family, church and friends. Don't know about work, as I was not very involved in his work. IT's at least 40 minute drive, so I never popped in. I saw them in a restaurant parking lot coming out of the restaurant. I feel like such an idiot. I know that she is nuts about him as I saw some cards she wrote and some text messaging. Don't know what to think about what he is trying to do. Our second mortgage is an Arm and has a credit line, so he could get money out of that but not without my signature.

I don't know how long I can hang on now that I've really seen her and how much he likes her child. That really threw me. He doesn't show much interest in his own son.

Dancer

I'm sure he is just pretending to like her child. That is what they usually do.

If you think it would do any good, I would expose them to their company's HR department. Are you sure she is divorced?

Then protect yourself financially and stay in Plan A.

Thanks for the advice. Yes, she is divorced--I saw her papers on the Internet--they are public record. The company president is quite the playboy, so I doubt it will do any good, but thanks for the thought.

I have to really assess whether he is trying to manipulate me via this refi, and I believe he is. RIght now my best friends are bashing him and making me question whether we ever had honesty in our marriage, and they may be right. It is late, and I'm tired. I so appreciate your balance in this. I hate having onlly half the picture, but being a firm believer in God myself, I know that all things will be revealed eventually.

I will take a trip to the bank tomorrow to make sure he has not taken any equity out on our line of equity. As of 2 weeks ago, he hadn't.

THank you thank you for your comments. They have helped a lot. I'll post again when I have more info....
Dancer 2006