Someone please explain how you survive this? My husband wants a divorce and I am a mess, I have 2 small children. How? I don't even know where to start....


LA

PRAY...CRY...PRAY...

You didn't give many details but it will probably get worse before it gets better. Is there an A going on? Why does he say he wants D?

For starters, get a good support group around you and read the articles and concepts on this site. You want people that will support you, but not people that will bash your H. Just because a spouse files for D doesn't always mean M can't be saved. Even when it doesn't work out, it helps knowing you tried to save it.

If he has filed, get yourself a good lawyer. Even if you want to save the M, you need to protect yourself and the children.

Check online to see if there is a DivorceCare program in your area. It's based on biblical principles and is also good for separated couples that may potentially reconcile. It also has a companion program for children whose parents are going through D.

Don't be ashamed to get counseling as a couple and individually. It's a roller coaster of emotions: fear, anger, depression, panick attacks, problems sleeping, gain or loss of weight...

But know that you will survive and experience joy again despite what ever happens.

LA, it's going to be okay. I've read through your posts, and you've got a lot more than most of us on this board.

But,you will get through it with help from God and from friends and strangers. We're here for you.

FB is right. You need to get a lawyer. I know you think you can't afford one, but, honey, you can't afford not to have one. One piece of reassuring news is that he'll still owe child support even if he's unemployed. The courts usually look at earning potential and income history in determining Child Support. You can also get the children's health care written into the decree if it gets that far.

Tomorrow morning, call your husband's former employer. Get HR or the owner. Explain the situation and see if you are eligible for COBRA. Then, go to Health and Human Services or your state's equivalent, and get an admistrator working on your case. You might be able to get health insurance for your children through the state. That will be one item off your mind. The same people are probably the ones who can help with child support. Often you can apply for support as soon as the spouse leaves the home.

I know you're going to miss the little one. She must feel as much yours as anyone else's. What a wonderful woman you are! Call on your friends and family for support. They like to be helpful.

About the boys... Don't worry. They'll have questions, but you can give them vague answers and they'll be okay. Keep their routine going as much as possible. That will give them a sense of safety. Allow them to miss their dad, and try not to break down in front of them.

In time, they'll adjust. I have the feeling from reading your posts, you'll be the kind of mother who will give her sons permission and encouragement to love their dad in spite of his faults and to love their half-sister. That's a gift of wholeness that can make a world of difference to children of divorce. (I'm not only divorced, I'm a child of divorce.)

You'll survive and that's enough for now. Just live. In time, it gets easier and then one day, you realize you wouldn't have had it any other way because you've grown beyond your wildest imagination into a person you only dreamed about.

You can hear the positive stories over on After DV. It's taken most of us between 2 and 5 years. LOL. Dark years. But out of darkness will come light. The first glimmers of light happen quite early too. Maybe after only 4 months.

And what's four months? I bet before d-day, four months sounded like a long time. Post D-day, 4 months seems like drop in the bucket.

Don't count on getting much in the way of child support, or having the courts impute income. I am still receiving the same amount of child support that was computed based on my husband's unemployment compensation, about 7 years ago, since my H managed to stay unemployed for 2 years and then get a job paying about a third of what he used to earn. I realize your H won't have unemployment compensation, since he quit, but in my state there is a certain minimum amount of child support he would have to pay even with no income - but it is under $100 a month. The courts don't care if the custodial parent can afford to feed the kids or not - it is her (or his) primary responsibility, and the NCP is not required to provide more than he can reasonably afford - according to the magistrate who also decided that my H did not have to contribute to college as specified in the settlement agreement.

Make sure that in the temporary orders/settlement it does not state that the NCP carry the medical insurance for the kids - oftentimes the only way you'll be able to get medical insurance from the state is if you cover the kids. It is frequently far better for you to carry the insurance and have him contribute to the premiums, if it is not free.

Whatever you do, if you now are poor enough to qualify for fuel assistance/reduced price lunches, etc., don't do anything that would increase your income to just above the qualifying level. I went to work full-time, and lost more in benefits that I gained in income, and I have hardly any time with my kids.

This is why Health and Human Services is important. Plus a lawyer. States vary greatly. In my state, counties even make a difference.

In my area, there is a Women's Crisis Center. They offer counseling, assistance, and can put you in touch with the appropriate services like food banks or Women in Transition (for job training). Don't be afraid to ask for help. You will be surprised at what you'll find.
Many churches have thrift shops, if you explain your situation, many times, they will allow you to shop for free.