I went out with my ex-wife last night--called her out of the blue to see how she was doing and try and get some closure on some leftover feelings that came up in my current relationship. It was akward alittle and alittle familiar. She is in a "not so good" place right now and I couldn't help but notice and feel bad for her. I wish her happiness and want what's best for her and I just can't help but think, what if....

It's a tough game to play. I know, because I am completely with you. ExH chose not to work on the M 2 years ago. He had an exit EA, and then right after our D, a 7 month R. He broke up with her in Nov, and in Mar, found out that both his parents have cancer.

He wanted to get back together. But I thought it was because he was in a bad place. Now they are both through treatment, and things are looking positive. He still wants to get back together.

I keep thinking....what if?

It's different when you make the decision instead of them. Before, it was "well, they chose this, they will need to live with the consequences. The relationship was unhealthy anyways." Now it's "Well, he's realized the error of some of his ways....so have I. Now he wants to get back together, and this time I am saying no because I don't trust that it will be for the right reasons/trustworthy/healthy/choose your own reason."

It's so very different taking ownership of the decision. Especially when the two people still love each other.

What was it that WIFTY said in my thread? Something along the lines of 'the best decision is often the most difficult to make. the worst decision is usually the easiest.'

Makes sense....but it doesn't make it any less difficult.

I'm right there with ya, C.

Coughlin, what if what?
What if you two hadn't divorced?
What if you two get back together?
What if she comes crawling back?

I agree with L.I.T. I resisted pulling the trigger on my marriage for a couple of years because I didn't want to take the responsibility. When I finally did, it was difficult. It's not easy to say "No, I don't want you." to someone you've loved and cared for.

So, how did going out with your ex affect your new relationship? Did it help?

Hello L.I.T and Greengables,

What if we were to get back together? I just told my girlfriend about the other night and she just left in a hurry. I'm too tired to chase after her. So, obviously, it didn't help the relationship but it did help me. She explained that it was because of her parents divorce that she bailed out on us so early on after I reacted so angrily to her affairs-1 emotional and 1 physical. That helped me to understand why she gave up so soon. I knew that she loved me and put me up on a pedestal but it didn't make sense until now why she would give up so quickly.

So, what does it all mean, well for one thing I'm probably single again and the other thing is that I understand what happened. It's so bizarre because my ex is actually going speed-dating tonight and I wished her luck.

When I think what if I try to think of both sides of the game. You know, the what if we got back together & the what if he didn't act the way he did.

I always come back to these thoughts: What if he were honest? What if he thought more about the family than he did of himself? ...he didn't have an affair? ...he really did try to reconcile? ...he didn't act greedy & nasty during the divorce? ...he didn't view his part time dad staus as just fine? On & on. I'l bet you can come up with your own list.

You get the picture. There's a whole lot wrong & getting back with him would mean he was a VERY different person than the one I was married to. We do have an amicable relationship but I have no respect & no love for him. So, what if...no thank you.

Oh,that's sad.I can appreciate you being honest but at the same time,the poor GF must have been hurt.I hope you will call her and see if she's ok.



I don't know.I admit to not knowing your story too well but this sounds vaguely like some hindsited excuse.I was always a firm believer in that each and every single WS knew exactly what they were doing,all along.Ultimately for those of us who did not recover our marriages,it was,for many,because the WS chose another path in life,a selfish one that did not include us.I have read many stories here where the WS/ex comes back with this and that story about why they did this and what made them do that.It was nothing more than choice.I know I could not be with my ex ever again for who he is and what he did/chose,even if he did come back today with some story.It's easy to feel swayed but the what if's,there's a romance to it and it tugs at our heart strings.The old love coming alive again.But that's the emotional part not the action/choice part,those decisions made out of respect/care/protection/love.For several ws after the A is over and the OP is long gone do they come back with the admissions/wonderings.

Your ex is not in a good place and what if's can come into play but don't fall into the rescuers trap.Speed dating is not a good way to help heal being in a not good place,you know?