Okay, here goes!

I am a loving, kind, considerate, teachable, humble but confident, stable, romantic, reliable, loyal and much much more partner.

This is what I mean by "Is there something wrong with me"?

I read day after day after day about marriages being destroyed by affairs and the affair partners, psychologists, therapists, etc characterize the affair as an addiction. You hear participants talking about how much I miss the person that almost destroyed my marriage and left my kids without a full time mother or father. You see partners risking life and limb and health and everything for the affair partner. You see people after having reconciled with a loving BS, betray them again even though their marriage is now better than ever.

Well, I have truly loved three women in my 44 years. I married two of them (one way too young at 21) and the currently la la land WW and STBXW. The other woman I loved, I dated for almost 4 years.

In all cases I gave of myself entirely to the relationship, holding nothing back and I would have taken a bullet for any three of these women. But, even with all of that I NEVER found myself crazy, addicted, obsessed to the point that I could not think! Again, I am a huge romantic (travel, flowers, cards, lingerie, PDA, and on an on) but again and even with my relationship ending with my wife who I still love to this day I still will have no part of chasing her, (I did Plan A my butt off for 6 months), trying to control her, obsessing about what she and other man are or will do...etc. I simply am looking out for my children and me and allowing her to follow her path of self destruction on her own. It will make me extremely sad to be divorced from her. We had a very good marriage and something happened to HER (took me a while to come to grips w/ this).

I am a little off point so back to my earlier question, is there something wrong with me that I have not loved in what I feel is a needy, sick, obsessive, unstable way? Is real love about "finding that soulmate, having sex on the beach (which I love in case you are wondering), sneaking around, playing games with one another's emotions, keeping people off guard, re=inventing yourself every few years, lacking contentment, and so on? Is this what makes you feel upside down in crazy love with someone? I felt upside down crazy in love with my wife in a real and stable and mature way.

Look, I am not talking about a man or woman having an exciting one night stand and regretting it (Just for the record this too is adultery and is and would be devestating to a marriage), I am talking about the person who even with all reason facing them square on would leave a good marriage, children, friends, financial security, for say serial cheater, philanderer, womanizer with the chances for a fulfilling, long term marriage being less than 1%.

Am I just missing something here that I need to work on?

Is this a trick question chere? Aren't you really wondering (or I hope you are <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ) what THEY are "missing"? Because you seem just fine to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I was hoping you would say that Star...but it really is something to see what you once thought were stable, normal, rational, people with jobs, families, friends, church members, spiritual, moral and so on FALL so crazy mad for an individual that in all cases cares nothing about his/her marriage vows, children, friends, well being much less yours and then think that they are going to live happily ever after when they couldn't do that within, (in many cases, not all) a loving, stable, Ozzie/Harriett type marriage. It's outright lunacy....

My question was kind of tongue in cheek, But it does make you wonder how someone can allow themselves to be sucked in so much that they believe that this one individual among 6 billion is the only one that can satisfy them and understand them. Lunacy!

I was just like you cooked, cleaned, was loving, took care of the kids, yard, didnt lie to her......and my EX left me for a married then (and still married 4yrs later) guy we both knew. This guy doesnt do anything for her.....doesnt clean her car, cut her yard, help with groceries....not a dayum thing. Im a college graduate with a very nice career, and this clown is a construction worker.......GO FIGURE???

Im remarried to a wonderful woman, that appreciates everything I do, but I still wonder sometimes.....What was wrong with me in my last marriage????

I hope your realize that it had nothing to do with the cooking, cleaning and great career you have. It's about the EN's you didn't meet and your X made the choice to fulfill them elsewhere. Not to sound like an alarmist but you really need to figure out what went wrong in your former M that created the environment that led up to the A. Otherwise, you may experience the same again.....

Actually I did find out in a way.......she apologized for breaking up the family 4yrs after our divorce. She said she felt like she was missing something? I guess she meant married to young.

Also, I dont think it will happen again, my wife is a completely different person than my EX. I dont need to go into that. Thanks for the concern though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

OOOps

Wrong Thread.

Nothing really wrong with you.

Sorry,

W

barking,


Or not. Sometimes it has nothing to do with unmet needs. Sometimes it's all about the selfishness, lack of character, moral corruption, immaturity etc. of the WS. My husband didn't have an affair because he had a wife who wouldn't meet his needs....he had an affair because he was thinking with the wrong head.

LOL....thats too funny. Yep, that is why I said my EX was probably being selfish and inmature......she couldnt even give me a reason for her affair. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I treat my wife the same way I treated my EX and she couldnt be more happy. My wife has even said before ...."what was your EX looking for"?

Yes...All true for sure. It could be a crisis of identity as well. My WW hasn't gotten around to figuring out what it is she wants as I suspect she won't for some time until she goes through her withdrawl. It's been almost 30 days of NC so far not counting her two attempts to contact the OM. One unreturned phone call and one unreturned e-mail. Just living hour by hour and planning for the worst case scenario.....

Yes there is something wrong with you and I would sit down long and hard to figure out what it is.

It may be as simple as your choice in women.

It may be that you are a codependant.

It may be you are an enabler, or a pleaser or whatever it is.

Maybe you didn't set proper boundries in your M's and enforce them so your WW felt like she was entitled to it.

Who the heck knows what it is.

You sound like a great person so what I would think is it may just be your choice in women.

Heck I know I have a type I like and quite frankly if this M doesn't work out I will change the type I like.

Funny thing is my father wasn't a good husband or father so I chose to be the exact opposite. I would think "what would my dad do then do the opposite."

I think since I can't trust myself I will just pick a woman that is exactly opposite of my FWW. Maybe that would work. LOL.

Star's post ought t/b posted at the top of the board!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

"Or not. Sometimes it has nothing to do with unmet needs. Sometimes it's all about the selfishness, lack of character, moral corruption, immaturity etc. of the WS. My husband didn't have an affair because he had a wife who wouldn't meet his needs....he had an affair because he was thinking with the wrong head."

Or they have unrealistic expectations of what a long term M should be. Because of this. My FWW doesn't have the wrong head to think with but the other stuff sounds about right.

Life is all about them and what they want. No matter what you do they will not be happy.

It's like quitting a job you thought was so bad until you got the new one. Only to find out you had it pretty good at the old job. You just chose to find the one fault and blow it out of proportion. Now you have a new stinkier job that you hate.

100% true! At this point I feel that I am facing just this situation as my WW continues only thinking of herself.

I've said it before and I will continue saying it. Empathy towards one another is the key to any relationship. To keep it long term you must think of how your actions affect your partner. That is the key to a loving caring relationship.

THIS IS SOOOOOO TRUE!!!!! I about went broke and drove myself absolutely crazy trying to make my EX wife happy. Nothing worked. Now she is more unhappy than she has ever been.

Well here is the biggest clue which of course I never got until it was too late.

I will be happy when.....

Then when they get what was going to make them happy they say.

I will be happy when.....

Never happy in the present always in the future.

They keep trying to get happy instead of being happy. Usually at some point it must be the spouses fault and they go find something that makes them happy.

In turn hurting everyone around them.

Then they say again.

I will be happy if things were like they were before my A. I just want that back.

"I about went broke and drove myself absolutely crazy trying to make my EX wife happy. Nothing worked."

I was the same way now she realizes maybe she should have been happy.

But then again I did all the work to make her happy and every consequence of fixing any problems fell on me so why should this be any different.

My FWW had everything she could ever reasonably(sometimes unreasonably) ask for from an H and that wasn't enough. Now she wants to go back to that and quite honestly I feel like a fool for doing it before the A I am certainly not going to do it now.

Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me.

Now I want equatlity and that seems to be a little difficult from someone that was so used to taking before without giving.

Sounds good to me where so I sign up for that.

hap, good to hear from you again.

How about an update on your sitch?

HTW

((( HaP )))

I don't know if you remember this, but a few months ago you penned me a letter I should write to the OW, when I brought up the subject.

I proudly plagiarized your letter to her... thank you
-- it was so what I wanted to say, but better.

Guess I am not one to ask about something being wrong with you ~~ You are pretty terrific in my book !!!

Hey, maybe that is it -- maybe the WS are drawn towards those without morals and values......

I hope and pray this finds you well and happy.

Sincerely, Carnation

Hey HTW. I will give an update soon. It will be a long one...but suffice it to say that I will be where ole' Mortarman was today in about 6 weeks and will be asking for prayers and thoughts. I only hope that I can act and "believe" as Mortarman has.

Carnation2, I do remember and thank you for the kind words. I hope you are doing well.

You people on this board were a lifesaver for me when I thought I was going to go insane and I would not be near as far along or strong without your help. Thank you from the bottom of my heart...