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Me 43 BH
MT 43 WW
Married 20 years, No Kids, 2 Difficult Cats
D-day July, 2005
4.5 False Recoveries
Me - recovered
The M - recovered
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I think it depends on you. Playing it close and continuing your 'affair research' is a possibility if you are up to it, but on the other hand, you have enough right now to justify a confrontation.
How long would it take you to get everything lined up for Plan B?
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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I saw that you see Plan B as a nuke, and being more than is needed for your sitch, but it is, IMO the very best way to kill the A once and for all, and skip past all these false recoveries that are taking such a terrible toll on you.
If this keeps on, she will destroy your love for her.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Oh, RP...I am so sorry. I had such belief in MT...I thought she was going to really get it...get it all...I really did.
I am of the mind to state what you know; when she arrives...dig out the phone...say, "I know this is OM's. Your choices feel like a sucker punch to my stomach. I feel confused, hurt and betrayed all over again." You could ask her to turn around leave? Not Plan B...separated Plan A?
LA
P.S. Oh, and accidentally drop the phone in the toilet...slippery things those secret cells are.
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MT,
Get her home. It seems that although the contact continues she is still moving home to give you two a chance. OM must be on board with this. Go see how about your marriage and we will stay friends on the sly and I'll help you through it. What rubish.
Anyway, once home disclose the secret cell phone must go. Don't ask for ANOTHER no contact letter. Just tell her to give you 2 or 3 months of NO CONTACT and if it don't work out you're done. Plan B has always felt bad to you so Plan A for a bit longer or let it go but she must go to NO CONTACT AND BE HOME for anything to be accomplished.
No more games.
Mr. Wondering
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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I understand. I could go to a plan B immediately. Its just that SH strongly advises against it. We also talked at length why this doesn't take a terrible toll on me.
Me 43 BH
MT 43 WW
Married 20 years, No Kids, 2 Difficult Cats
D-day July, 2005
4.5 False Recoveries
Me - recovered
The M - recovered
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Me 43 BH
MT 43 WW
Married 20 years, No Kids, 2 Difficult Cats
D-day July, 2005
4.5 False Recoveries
Me - recovered
The M - recovered
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rprynne,
Pardon my disbelief, but SH recomends AGAINST going to a Plan B after almost a year of Plan A with all the lies and disrespect your WW has heaped upon you??????????????
Plan B may be a tough road to go(I personally think it is a piece of cake compared to being with someone that can look you right in the eye and lie), but it enforces your boundaries and sense of self respect.
Your situation sounds so much like Grovetucky.
I respectfully disagree with SH if that is truly the course he has you on.
Appeasement NEVER EVER NEVER works
Divorced:
"Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions": Noodle
You believe easily what you hope for ernestly
Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
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LA - Yes, I thought she would get it. She has moments of clairty, but....
We've been in a separated Plan A for quite some time so...
Me 43 BH
MT 43 WW
Married 20 years, No Kids, 2 Difficult Cats
D-day July, 2005
4.5 False Recoveries
Me - recovered
The M - recovered
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Cy - It may be hard to believe, but yes, SH recomends against a plan B. In fact, when I talked to him last, I pointed out all of the forum folks telling me to plan B. He said that it would not surprise him that people are saying that, but that most would not understand the situation completely and it does not fit with the normal couples he councils.
Me 43 BH
MT 43 WW
Married 20 years, No Kids, 2 Difficult Cats
D-day July, 2005
4.5 False Recoveries
Me - recovered
The M - recovered
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rprynne,
Sorry to doubt you, my apologies.
Best of luck
PS: Would it be possible to put up your summary in your sig line. Saves a lot of time and misunderstanding
Last edited by Cymanca; 07/12/06 01:32 PM.
Divorced:
"Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions": Noodle
You believe easily what you hope for ernestly
Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
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Cy - It may be hard to believe, but yes, SH recomends against a plan B. In fact, when I talked to him yesterday, I pointed out all of the forum folks telling me to plan B. He said that it would not surprise him that people are saying that, but that most would not understand the situation completely and it does not fit with the normal couples he councils. Let's work with what we do have..... what do you need 4 u? I gots my ideas but need more info about U and your goals. Ready to refocus? L.
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I know what I would do ...
and I post this NOT as "advice" for you ... or even a suggestion for you ...
but just to put this out there...
I would
right now
call her on OMs phone
when she answers say
"Hello. This is me. Anything you want to say?"
Pep
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Pep - Yeah, thought about doing that. Doubt she would answer though.
Looks like its going to be a fun talk tonight.
Me 43 BH
MT 43 WW
Married 20 years, No Kids, 2 Difficult Cats
D-day July, 2005
4.5 False Recoveries
Me - recovered
The M - recovered
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What do you think you should do. What is your plan?
It seems that you are saying Plan B is off of the table. You are not going to divorce her. You do not want to confront her in any way.
I am not sure what is left. Do you think what you are doing is working? I guess I am asking what do you plan on doing.
When you have a woman that does not fear losing you and has no consequences then I really don't see where anyone can help you.
The only way I could help you is if I told you not accept this treatment. But I guess I should ask what is your plan?
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IHE - My plan for right now is to give her one more shot to come clean. If she does, then we'll go from there.
Me 43 BH
MT 43 WW
Married 20 years, No Kids, 2 Difficult Cats
D-day July, 2005
4.5 False Recoveries
Me - recovered
The M - recovered
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rprynne,
I'm so sorry it has come to this but I can't say I blame you one bit. It seems to me you never got a chance to do a proper plan-A since you were living apart the whole time, but that was her choice, not yours. You have shown remarkable empathy and patience.
Personally, I love Pep's idea. So what if she doesn't answer? What do you have to lose?
Take care,
--SC
"I require more from my spouse than behaving well in order to avoid pain." (guess who)
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Hey rprynne:
I am sorry if I did not understand your previous posts. From them I got that you were not going to do anything no matter what.
I was wrong. I actually like your plan. If people want to save their marriage I think that is great. I think if you have more of a get tough attitude you stand a better chance with her. She will have to make a decision. I have no doubt you are a much better man than the OM. I know of 4 WW that left their marriage for OM. Out of these 4 women I can tell you without a doubt that all 4 of them regret their decision. It killed their relationship with their kids and the life they once hated now looks prettly good to them.
This may not happen in all cases but it does show something. Most of the time it a defect in the WS not a defect in their spouse.
Good luck and keep us posted. I know how much it sucks.
I also like Pep's idea about the phone. It would also let her know that you know and it may make it easier to broach the subject.
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Pep, You are a bad bad lady. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I just love it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> JL I know what I would do ...
and I post this NOT as "advice" for you ... or even a suggestion for you ...
but just to put this out there...
I would
right now
call her on OMs phone
when she answers say
"Hello. This is me. Anything you want to say?"
Pep
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JL .... it's living through our childrens' teenage years that gives us this particular experience & courrage to be "bad bad bad" .... It just seems like a waste of time to beat around the bush in this situation ... it is what it is... why mushmouthpussyfoot when one phone call says it all? I can hear my life's clock *tick-tock* and I don't want to waste any more of myself with "big talks" .... say it or do it ... or don't <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Pep the Pip
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