HELLO TO ALL.

I HAVE BEEN BROWSING THIS SITE FOR A FEW DAYS NOW, AND GOT THE NERVE TODAY TO POST MY STORY.

H AND I MARRIED AT A YOUNG AGE, 19. WE WERE VERY MUCH IN LOVE THEN. HAD OUR 1ST CHILD SHORTLY AFTER MARRIAGE. 3 YEARS PASSED, WE HAD ANOTHER CHILD---THAT'S WHEN THINGS GOT ROCKY.

TO MAKE IT SHORT, WE EVENTUALLY GREW APART, HAD DIFFERENT VIEWS AND OPINIONS... ALWAYS FOUGHT --- IT WAS DISASTROUS. BUT THERE WERE GOOD TIMES TOO, ALTHOUGH SHORT LIVED.

I DISCOVERED HIS 3 YEAR AFFAIR WITH OUR EMPLOYEE (OMG) LAST MAY 3 2006, AND I WAS PREGNANT THEN WITH OUR THIRD CHILD. AT THE BACK OF MY MIND, I ALWAYS KNEW.. BUT I WAS IN DENIAL. MY H IS A VERY GOOD FATHER, A GOOD PERSON --- NOT EVIL--- DOESNT EVEN HAVE VICES (NO DRUGS, NO ALCOHOL, DONT SMOKE) HE WAS HOME ON TIME ETC.. BUT ONE THING ABOUT HIM IS THAT HE LIED ALL THE TIME. HE LIED TO MY FACE EVERYTIME I CONFRONTED HIM ABOUT THIS OW. FRIENDS WOULD TELL ME THAT THERE IS SOMETHING GOING ON BETWEEN THEM, BUT, I ONLY BELIEVED MY H AND SHUT MY EARS.

THEN THE MOST TERRIBLE THING HAPPENED, THE OC. OW GAVE BIRTH TO OC JUST THIS JANUARY.

THE PAST 3 YEARS HAVE BEEN ****** FOR US. OUR BUSINESS WENT DOWN, HAVE I NOT HELPED HIM REBUILD IT, WOULD HAVE LOST IT. HE RESORTED TO GAMBLING.. WAS INDEBTED TO SO MANY PEOPLE.. STOLE FROM ME----------- ALL FOR THE OW, TO SATISFY HER SOCIAL CLIMBER STATUS. ( OW IS FROM THE SLUMS ---PARTLY WHY I CANT BELIEVE HOW MY HUSBAND WANTED HER FOR SEX)

I HELPED MY HUSBAND PAY HIS DEBT, NOT KNOWING I WAS PAYING FOR THE OW CAESARIAN OPERATION, NEW CLOTHES, ETC...

NOW, ITS OUT. 3 SINFUL YEARS... WITH AN OC TO PROVE IT.

MY H HAS BEGGED ME SEVERAL TIMES NOT TO LEAVE HIM. THAT HE LOVED ME AND NOT THE OW. THAT HE WAS JUST TEMPTED. ASK FORGIVENESS SO MANY TIMES, I LOST COUNT... BUT ITS SO HARD TO BELIEVE HIM.

I CRY EVERYDAY (LITERALLY) IM LOST. IM DEPRESSED. GAVE BIRTH TO OUR 3RD CHILD, PREMATURELY AND EMERGENCY C-SECTION. FOR 2 MONTHS NOW, I HAVENT WORKED.. IM ASHAMED OF WHAT MY H DID TO ME.. COZ I FEEL THAT EVERYBODY KNOWS.

I HAVE ASKED FOR DIVORCE SEVERAL TIMES, HE WOULD AGREE. THEN, WOULD BEG ME AGAIN.

I REALLY DONT KNOW. I CANT FORGET. I CANT FORGIVE. BUT THERE IS STILL LOVE INSIDE. ALSO, I FEAR FOR MY CHILDREN. I DONT WANT THEM TO HAVE A BROKEN HOME, FOR I AM A LIVING EXAMPLE OF IT AND IT WAS A PAINFUL CHILDHOOD FOR ME.

I CAN SEE MY H TRYING HIS BEST TO TAKE CARE OF THE SITUATION BUT I JUST DONT BELIEVE IN HIM ANYMORE.

HOW CAN I DEAL WITH THIS?

I BRING BACK THE PAST EVERYDAY.. I KEEP ON MAKING HIM FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE I AM SO HURT THAT I WANT HIM TO HURT ALSO.

I WANT TO HURT THE OW BUT DONT KNOW HOW TO DO IT.

OH GOD, IM GOING CRAZY.

HELP.. TO THOSE WHO'VE BEEN WHAT I AM GOING THRU RIGHT NOW.

HOW DID YOU DO IT?
WAS IT WORTH NOT LEAVING YOUR H?
HOW DID YOU DEAL WITH THE OW? THE OC? ( H WANTS TO SUPPORT OC FINANCIALLY BUT HAS NOT GIVEN A SINGLE CENT FOR ALMOST A MONTH NOW COZ I REACT NEGATIVELY-- I FEEL THE OC IS STEALING THE MONEY WHICH IS RIGHTFULLY FOR MY CHILDREN ONLY)

I WANT REVENGE... BASICALLY FOR BOTH MY H AND OW---HOW??? HOW TO MAKE THEM FEEL 1 MILLION TIMES WHAT I AM FEELING NOW.

MY H LEFT OW, BUT I FEEL ITS NOT ENOUGH FOR THE OW.. SHE MUST SUFFER MUCH MORE

I AM SO BITTER...
SOMETIMES I FORGET GOD.
SHED LIGHT ON ME.
HOW CAN I MOVE ON.
HOW CAN I STOP BLABBING OF WHAT HE HAS DONE.
HOW CAN I GET MYSELF UP.
HOW CAN I FORGET.
HOW CAN I FORGIVE.

hubby_cheated@yahoo.com

I am not an MB expert.

But I will say, hang in there. Be strong. All that you are feeling now is normal. It will go away with time.

You came to the right place as we all know the pain. It's possible to recover your marriage. It's very good that your H is willling to work on it.

Takes time, and hard work. You will move on, you will be able to forgive in time with his help.

Please read the site, buy Surviving an affair from Dr. Harley. Please read here and you'll see that unfortunetely there's so much people going thru the same you are and can understand and support you.

There will be great people with even greater wisdom to advice you and support you. Please keep posting and venting and whatever you want.

I am 6 months from d-day, in a similar situation to same extend as you are, I have been lied for 2 years, giving myself to help him in is work, his stress... just to find he has been cheating all the time.... and I found it in the very begining... but he just kept lying. denying. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />((( It's devastating.
I already passed the anger and hatred feelings phase. I am more in the sad stage and trying to find a way to not think about his affairs every single minute of the day.

Bring your husband to read the MB principals. Together you can do it.

Please stay strong.

Ohh, and by the way... CONGRATZ on the new little one.
How old are your children?

My girls are 6 and 8.

you just dont know how you made my day lostwillow. thank you so much for your kind words...

i have three girls.. 7, 4 and 11 days old.

my h has a boy with the ow---makes me sad even more. my h and i have always wanted a boy.. and now, i cant even imagine myself making love to him again. have a child again with him... its really sad.

you didnt mention : h and ow still together? :-( they have a child too?

i feel your pain. nobody deserves to be lied to. especially women like us who devote their lives to their husband and their kids.

why are you sad?
what do you do everyday to overcome your sadness?

looking forward for your reply soon.

H_C,

remember to breathe. You are only a short time out from D-day. Everything you are feeling right now is very very normal.

You are expecting WAAAAYYYY to much of yourself if you think at this early stage you will be able to move past this. It is going to take a lot of time and a lot of patience from both you and your H. They say the average time it takes a marriage to recover from infidelity is about 2 years. That doesnt take into account an OC which as you are discovering complicates stuff enormously.

First off, your H shouldnt be giving the OW anything unless and until he has a formal Child support order set up and has checked the laws where you live to make sure that anything he has already given her will be counted towards any arrearage that might be awarded (like if CS is awarded from the time of birth etc). Hopefully all the cash he gave her will be counted as CS so you wont have a bill.

Since you are undecided as to whether you can stay in the marriage, i think it would be worth your time to consdier consulting a lawyer and see about a legal seperation (on paper not necessarily psyhical) and a child support order for your kids as well.

The problem is that in some places the lions share of avalable CS money will be awarded to whoever files their CS application first. In this situation that can severly disadvantage you if you decide to try and work on your marriage. If it doesnt work, you can find yourself trying to support 3 kids on scraps.

I know your pain is overwhelming right now. I have been there and i know that at times it feels like you are not going to survive it. Everything that you built your life, that you thought was solid, has turned to mud.

Have you looked into marriage counselling? i think it would be a good idea. The harley's are very good i am told.

Hang in there. You are not alone.

Lots of love

Carolyn

PS> I sent you an email too!

Welcome to the board, I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. Has the OW filed for CS yet? If not, you should consider filing for it yourself first. It will protect your COM. Many judges don't take the COM into account in these situations and you could be left with little CS if you get in behind her. You would have to file for a legal separation, but you wouldn't have to separate at this time. You have 3 young children to take care of, you deserve the support.

Hugs to you ((((HC)))) You have come to the right place to get support and guidance. There are many posters here who have been down the road you find yourself on.

hubby_cheated, welcome to MB. First go to the top of this forum and read the welcome thread by sunnyd. Get and read the book Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley.

Are you and your H going to MC? Is the OW still working with him? He really must have no contact with the OW especially until DNA has been established and legal visitation and CS are in place.

I hear your pain and I am very sorry.

Hubby_C..

You are amongst friends now who understand and care. I hope we can lighten your "load" a bit.

Eibrab

I am so sorry to hear what you are going thru, your plate is really full, with dealing with this and the normal emotional stuff from just having a baby.

I know today it looks impossiable, and it will look like that for sometime. But hun there is hope. If you are willing to work thru it and if you see your husband is sorry about it and trying to correct his mistake, it can be saved.

Go back and read alot of post, it will show you that you can make it work. it will show you some of the ground rules that some BS have made. Cry and scream one day get it all out and then sit down and have a real honest talk with your H. Let him know the pain, be honest tell him that right now you cannot trust him, but you are willing to let him earn your trust back if he is willing to work at it. Let him know the rules. Once you have had laid it all out remember to stay firm in that. First rule is the A has to be completely stopped.

My heart goes out to you during your suffering and the confusion that you will be facing, knowing what is right and wrong, what to believe and not, my stomach gets in knots just thinking about going thru them days.

Keep posting and we can try and help you find the answers. You are not alone in this!!!

Hello again!

I can't give you much advice about the OC <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> as I am not facing that situation. The similarities are about the 'devastation" it causes when they lie, even when deep inside we know something is wrong. I have lived two years, supporting him, but in the inner batlle of doubtin H, and the worst, doubting my self and my sanity with contacdictory feeling of guilt by not trusting him.

I am sure there are people here with more experience as to how to deal with the OC and the OW.

But for now, you need some kind of peace. Please be strong and take care of your self.

IT"S REALLY POSITIVE that your H is commited to you and supporting you. BUT, bring him here. He NEEDS to know this is not easy for you both, and that it TAKES TIME.

POLICY of RADICAL HONESTY.

I feel that you might be in the revolting anger stage. You are normal.
It will go away specially if he is there for you.

-------------
I BRING BACK THE PAST EVERYDAY.. I KEEP ON MAKING HIM FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE I AM SO HURT THAT I WANT HIM TO HURT ALSO.
I WANT TO HURT THE OW BUT DONT KNOW HOW TO DO IT.
OH GOD, IM GOING CRAZY.
HELP.. TO THOSE WHO'VE BEEN WHAT I AM GOING THRU RIGHT NOW.
--------------

Please, as much as we all feel like this at some point... we all realize that what's more important now, it's ouselves, our children ad our FUTURE.

Don't forget, what comes round goes round. Your H is with YOU, and fighting for his FAMILY. That must be pain enough on her. She' will forever live as the mother of an infidelity child, you on the other hand will hopefuly live in the future with a MUCH stronger and happy Marriage.

THERE"S no way your H will ever feel the pain you are going thru unless you go and have an Affair... And you surely don't want that, you surely don't want to loose your integrety and betray your self and your family.

Don't make him feel guilt all the time, HE already knows how wrong he was and how much he hurt you right???

Sit together with all HONESTY and define a plan.

Fill the EN questionaries. Tell him he need's to reassure you and be VERY patient and understanding.

Do the legal procedures about OC, but he can't be your main concern right now.

It would be REALLY good if he also read the boards, or at least MB site.

Will check up later to see how you're doing.

Have hope. Be strong. This is just the begining of a long and hard journey, that we all expect will bring us a MUCH better Marriage. And if, it surely bring us a much better us.

*hugs*

I am sad because of all the impact in our life A. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I am depressed still.

I fight sadness by trying to compensate my girls for not being totaly there for the past 6 months. So now I am spending more time with them, they are the priority, not H. I find strengh in them.

Posting here and reading can also help a lot.
I am still in the Roller coaster of emotions.

Are you in IC? It really helps.

What is your H doing to support you. Is he totally commited?

Ohh and very important, as a first step and not demanding, but in a calm way, I believe you have to tell him to have NC with OW. You need to find an intermediate to deal with OC child matters. Your H can't talk to her ever again, wheter you decide to NC with OC or not.

hello carolyn. first off, want to say thank you for the email and for inviting me to you site. have already registered but wasnt able to browse that long. will do that later on...

here in the philippines, child support and legal separation are uncommon. what my h asks of me is to allow him, with my permission EVERYTIME, to give the oc's basic needs. as much as it pains me, i realize that the damage has been done--the oc is existing... stupid ow, she should have aborted the baby---this would not have happened. but again, if they didnt have a child, i would still be blind of the affair. atleast now, as my husband alledges--they are over.

carolyn, i do not believe so. he has been lying to me all these years.. now, its so difficult to believe a thing he says to me. today is my birthday, july 14 and we baptized our baby today. early this morning, a friend told me that he saw my h car parked near the house of the ow last saturday--- same saturday that he played ball with his friends. i confronted him. he denied. he told me that he knows how his mistake has nearly destroyed our marriage, and now that he is trying to rebuild it---he wont do anything to jeopardize it again. to make it short, we had a terrible fight... i just couldnt believe in him anymore. now, i have lost hope that we will be restored. i feel very much betrayed. we have said so many hurtful words today. we're back to square one.

i am so unhappy.

thank you for the advice familycomesfirst. as i have told carolyn, cs doesnt work here... good thing for me, the ow wont be able to file anything. but my h signed on the oc's birth certificate admitting that he is the father--- so there's nothing i can do about that. i realized if i wanted to work on our marriage, i will have to accept the fact that this child will be around forever.... knocking on our doors...

how can i overcome this pain? the only solution i can think of is divorce... im so hurt, i cant even think straight.

thanks for the advice faithful. everything you said does not apply here. sadly, third world country. hehehe.

dna testing is very expensive---our local "fbi" cant even afford it. everything hangs on air here... no legalities available.

have you suffered the same faithful?

eibrab, thank you for the inspiring thoughts. what is nc? how are you in your recovery?

thank you thunderstorm. yes, i do feel hopeless... everyday is like a battlefield, basically, because of me.. i relive the past.. i just cant stop thinking about it.. how he has lied to me... how he used me... the hurtful words he uttered making me feel guilty then, when all the time he was the one doing the dirty deeds... everyday, i feel like im going downhill and its impossible for me to see light again.

hello lostwillow.

my problem is i am not sure if the affair has ended. ijust dont trust a word he says. and with this in mind, it makes me go crazy everyday...

he has his own way of showing his support to me. but it is not the way that i want and need. i have told him of mb... forwarded an email of the basic concepts to him... he did not read all of it.. ( not that type of person)--- i didnt tell him that it was important to me that he read it. so, now, i just gave up on the idea.

how can i make him do it? i wanted him to answer the en questionnaire, and for him to read the love busters.. how can i make him do it?

hello h_c. i added you to my yahoo list. i hope we can meet each other online one of these days.

i am from the philippines, too! where do you live? im in cebu. and i can so relate to you!

WH and i are separated for a month and a half now. i will add the link to my story later.

he also admitted just this week that he got OW pregnant and he even asked for advise on how to abort it. as you know abortion is not available here. i gave him steps since i know a doctor who told me how to do it.

re child support, you can file for it! that's what i did with WH. he signed a memorandum of agreement stipulating that he will give a fixed amount every payday. he has since been giving me a fixed amount for 2 paydays now. The MOA will be prepared by your attorney and it will be notarized. Just know how much he earns a month and get a fixed amount from that. WH is so mad that i got him to sign the MOA just a week or so after d-day. He signed it because he was feeling so guilty. Now he is so mad since he gets a third of his salary only. But i told him i was not spending that money. I spend my salary for my and my son's needs. i save what he's giving me.

i don't know what will happen to my marriage. i still want a reconciliation yes. but i know it will be hard. but i want to try so i can tell my son that i tried my best. i told him that and he's still non-committal since he has a mess left to clean up. i don't know. sometimes i do want to give up.

sometimes i even LB and press him to file for an annulment so i can have my freedom back. but he won't. he gives lots of excuses. that at first he said he wanted time. and then he couldn't afford a lawyer (he could he knows someone who could do it for free) and then that he couldn't file since i am not the offending party. but i know that the one with the psychological incapacity could file. i hate this uncertainty. i want to move on. maybe i'd still meet a man who would be willing to accept me and my son in his life. i don't think that's impossible. but still i tell myself that i also owe it to my son to try. my son is still a year old, 13 months old...

it has been less than 2 months and his affair was also short-lived although presumably he is still seeing her. i don't even know who she is but he said she knows he's married. how slutty can anyone else get?

please feel free to email or ym with me. i already sent you an invitation. we can support each other.

hang in there. there is hope. continue praying. God has been my source of strength in this very difficult time. go to church. keep a journal. one for your negative thoughts, for the rage. and another for the things that you are still thankful for. it helps. and continue reading MB. people here give great advice and they are pro-marriage.

i want to talk to you. i feel like we can really relate to each other.

God bless you, your kids and your marriage