About 3 years ago, I felt something was going on with my husband. He got really secretive with his cell phone & we were fighting alot. We had been married 5 years at this point. I decided to start actually looking at the cell phone bill and found he had been talking to a woman he worked with. The phone calls were outrageous. I don't want this to become a long drug out story, so i'll cut to now. This relationship continued for a while after that. He swears there was no sex. Then about a year and a half ago, he came home early in the morning with hickies on his neck and he was out with this person again. We went to counseling, tried to work on things. Things did get better and I honestly felt he wasn't seeing her anymore. Although they continued to work together. Our marriage was better. Then I guess I opened myself up and I started talking to someone at work that I met. This was this past NOvember. In FMarch, I told my husband to leave. I never told him about this man. I just told him that I couldn't deal with everything that he put me through and I felt we needed to be separated. So he left. Not willingly. He was absolutely devastated, but I guess I felt a little good about that after all he put me through. I continued seeing this man and things have been absolutely wonderful. I never imagined I could meet someone that I had so much in common with, as well as great communication and just loved hanging out. During this separation with my husband, I found he was talking to this same person again. I lost it. We started discussing getting back together, but I wonder if I was doing it just to keep him away from her. Because at this time, I have feelings for someone else. I finally just let it go and continued seeing this man, and just tried to ignore was my husband was doing and let him just get on. This past weekend, this woman got upset because I was calling my husband (we have children together and I was working and he was dropping them off to my mother). All the sudden this woman starts calling me teling me he was with her and I needed to get used to it. I could hear him in the background telling her to knock it off (she's not a very mature person at that). It devastated it. Just hearing his voice there with her, it broke me. I told him I wanted a divorce and he said he didn't want one. I was the one that kicked him out but I couldn't get past this other woman. NOw we have talked and we both are going to work on our issues and get back together. After alot of talking and finally a lot of truth coming out. This is the first time he has actually really communicated with me and been open and honest. I see it in him this time and this time he's leaving his job because he says he wants to put his all into it this time. I have broken off ties with this other man, which hurts me like crazy, but I know I have to do it. I have no problems avoiding him for the sake of my family and working things out. But just the fact that I'm hurting him kills me. But at the same time, this is the first time my husband has admitted he had sex with this person and i'm bothered by it, yet i'm not. But the visions of it in my head really hurt and I'm wondering how to get past that. I feel like I've been in competition with this woman for the past 3 years. He has now chosen to work things out with me. He's given me his cell phone, he's moving back in, and we are going into therapy. But what do I do about these thoughts? I don't want to continue arguing with him all the time bringing up the past. It's the same thing over and over and I'm tired of it as well. I just want to move forward. But how?????? And how do I stop feeling like I want to cry everytime I think of this other man that I was seeing?

A question: You said that he's now being open and honest with you. Are you being open and honest with him? Have you told him about your relationship with the other man?

The feelings that you're going through are quite normal - search on this forum for "withdrawal". Continue reading the articles on this website, and get your hands on "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Surviving an Affair" and start practicing some of the suggestions (getting to know your H's main emotional needs and letting him know yours is a good start).

Peacock,

There's lots to rebuild here... you both have had an A... but in some ways, that may make rebuilding a little easier because you are at the same stage and have been through both sides. It will also make it harder because there is a whole lot more s*** to get through on both sides.

The first step is to know yourself. Figure out what you want, what decisions are you able to live with, what are your fears, what are your moral standards. If you decide that your M and your family is important and the priority, than that is a good first step. If you are only half sure, then it makes the rebuilding that much harder. Find out what you are afraid of... maybe it is being alone, or "surrendering" to intimacy. Whatever they are, you can deal with it once you know.

Once you've done this, start to communicate with respect and honesty. What's the worst that can happen? You will separate... that's already happened. If you aren't afraid of this, then it makes recovery easier. As you share what's on your mind (with respect), intimacy starts to build... and trust is being built. When you realize that you can say something your H may not like... and that you both will be ok... that's when trust starts to form. And when your H can say what's on his mind and you don't run away or yell and scream back... a little bit of trust is formed. Trusting is about being able to share your innermost thoughts without them being used against you or as a reason for one of you to run or leave. Once you can do this, then recovery is in motion.

Work on listening to your husband without judging or getting angry. Try sharing your thoughts and don't get angry if he does judge you... these reactions of judgement and anger cause the next time to be the same or worse. If you change this, then communication and feelings may improve.

AS MIM said above... read as much as you can. If you understand why people can make some of the choices they make, it is easier to understand and forgive.

Shaden

Shaden,

I appreciate your words of support. Thank you so much. I agree that the honesty and being open with judging is helping us tremendously. We haven't been able to do this in the past. Before if he were to admit something to me, i would fly off the handle. Now i'm just taking it. I may need to walk away for a few seconds just to take it in, but i'm not yelling. Both of us are communicating better than we ever have, and it's what's giving me the hope. We didn't have a lot of communication before and both of us were always afraid of the other getting upset. Him being more worried about me getting upset cause I was the one flying off the handle all the time. But since I've basically done the same thing, I have to sit back and think about that as well and not judge him. He just told me that the man thing is that it's okay for men to cheat, but not women. But I think men it's an ego thing to find out their wife has been with someone else, when women see it as an emotional trashing. Does that make sense? I truly believe he loves me and really is making his first real effort and rebuilding our marriage. We have been separated for 5 months now. It was hard for him in the beginning and easy on me since I called the separation. But as time went on, it was easier on him and more difficult on me. We both agree that the other person is not what we want, they were just filling a void in the meantime. And what we want, and we know we want it 100%, is to be together and work our hardest and changing the things about us that caused the problems in the first place. I am starting therapy on Monday by myself and he will go alone as well. Then we will go together. I'm just tired of obsessing about the whole incident. I'm finally at a point where I'm not calling him and yelling and screaming at him about everything tiny little thing that I can think of. I can ask the questions, get my answers and just deal with it. And i'm calm about it. Him being calm and not trying to slither his way out of answering his helping alot. I know it's going to be a long hard road.

To support Shaden's great advice...

About injecting respect into your marriage...I used listen and repeat, to truly hear my H. First I had to get that we were two separate people, equal...and we each had our own thoughts, feelings and beliefs...we didn't cause, control or cure one another...

Getting that belief set was the first step. Then to act from my belief, I put a hopper on my head.

Yeah, you want my advice.

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Seriously...it is close to you walking away and coming back...a shortcut...I put a mental strainer (if you will) on top of my head where all of my H's statements went...and I didn't allow them into my brain until I knew what his was his...I listened and repeated...he would clarify or confirm. This was really important to stop our reactive marriage...our DJs...and I wanted to share that.

See, just taking it is really taking it in...straight to your heart, head and soul...causes resentment, reactions, anger...hard to really hear, to listen...

Hold it up, above your head...filter it in...know this isn't about you...it's about him.

Listen and repeat is using "I feel" and "I believe" statements. Not "You do, you are, etc." Nothing to "just take" is there, when someone is sharing their stuff...not telling you its about you?

I was like you in our relationship...and we are growing by leaps and bounds...takes time...knowing certain truths and choosing to believe them...replacing old beliefs...and acting not reacting.

You're making a marvelous choice in saving your marriage...

Know that his beliefs are his...for now, there's nothing to argue. Yours are yours. You've nailed the not judging...knowing, informing is far more important right now, and be safe enough to be informed and inform, share and be shared with, is where it all starts.

If it helps...90% of marital problems aren't solvable...they aren't problems...they are issues to be understood, not fixed. Respecting each other's different beliefs and opinions also gives you both a clean slate...what those others had...and seeing each other new is a remarkable booster.

Forgive yourselves for not knowing what you didn't know...about marital boundaries, being separate and equal, not enmeshed...loving by choice and loving yourselves...you believe it will be a long, hard road...I'm here to tell you, it's an amazing journey.

You're already on your way.

LA

Peacock,

What agreat post you started? I am going thru what you are. Except my wife is at the point that she treats me like I am invisible and does'nt care to hear or know my needs and feelings, I am just waiting to get hers. I wish you a ton of luck Your path is going to be amazing because we started and she jumped off.

I will be here to help and learn with you.....