3785.1

I'm new and I need help. Please don't judge me for what i am about to tell u. I lost my baby back in July 2004 at birth. I had a really hard time dealing with it, he was my second child. We started trying to get pregnant and we also found out that my husband only had around 20million sperm the first time he got checked. The second time his sperm count was fine. We started trying to get pregnant again and its been close to a year and half. During this time it had put a lot of stress on my marriage. See my husband didn't really want any more kids and he treated me pretty bad when i was pregnant with my second child. He didn't even want to try again and u know i had to tell him i didn't know if i could stay with him if he couldn't try again. I know that was bad on my part but i wanted another baby so bad after loosing my baby. During all of this time i felt like my husband wasn't here for me. I would cry at night and he would tell me i didn't need to cry i had to be strong for our other child and that i had to move on. I couldn't get over how he treated me when i was pregnant. My husband friend started being here for me to talk and to cry to. We started talking on the phone almost everyday. I felt like he was mybest friend and it led into an affair. We had sex 6 times. 3 times with a condom and 3 time with him pulling out. I cried after i thought about what i had done. I ended up going to counciling but my husband wouldn't go. He told me he didn't need the help but i was like rollercoaster. I broke it off with this guy and i told him that i didn't mean for it to lead into an affair and that loved my husband. I hadnt talked to him in over 2 weeks. Well i started spotting brown stuff last Friday and i am still spotting, i thought my period was coming even though i was late. Well i am pregnant. I don't know whose baby it is. I am typinigthis crying right now because how could i ruin my family. I have torn my family apart. I love my husband and i know that he probably delt with the grief a different way than me. I just feel like if my second child hadn't died that i wouldn't of made a stupid careless mistake like i did. My life is over. I know this sounds terrible because i wanted another baby so bad. But now I am hoping for a miscarriage because it might be the other guy's baby. I had sex with my husband on the 8th he went off in me and i went to sleep. On the 10th at night i had sex with the other guy and he pulled out and i went on my way. Friday morning the same thing with the guy which was my 11th day. On my 13th day i had sex with my husband and he went off in me and i went to sleep. Monday night i had sex with the other guy and he pulled out and i went on my way. that was my 14th day. Do u think ihave a better chance that its myhusbands since he went off in me and the other guy pulled out? Please please please don't judge me i already feel bad enough. I broke it off with the guy two days later. This is the first time i have ever cheated onmy husband. We have been together for 14 years. I am scared to tell him. He will leave me and his has every right too. I don't blame him. I guess i will have to raise both of my kids by myself. This other guy is married he swears that this is the first time he ever cheated on his wife. He has 3 kids. He tells me that he loves me and misses me but he feels really bad for all of this. I do too. I am such a terrible terrible terrible person. What am i going to do. I worry about about this happening again and i also worry this baby is the other guys baby. I hope God forgives me for this terrible thing i have done. My councelor said that most people that losses babies end up in a divorse. Well i want to work on my marriage and i want this baby to be my husbands. I guess this is what i have to pay for since i did something so evil. Please don't think bad about me. I have been praying so hard. I need yalls prayers please.

Wow.....there are alot of people viewing this thread but they are staying away from it.

All I can say, is that I really dont know if you should tell your H anything or not. Im totally stumped on this one. I dont want to judge you, but.....How could you alternate sleeping with your H and another guy....fully knowing you wanted to have a 2nd child with your H??? Also std's and harming the baby and ahhhhhh........no wonder everyone is avoiding this thread. This is a really, really tough situation you put yourself in. Im afraid if you tell your H, he may just walk out......on the otherhand, it would be the best thing to be honest.

Good luck.

probably because it reads like one of those letters you get from the executor of some wealthy person's estate somewhere in Africa who is begging your help to transfer millions to an offshore account and give you half of it.

wow

i am not judging you. people make mistakes. people lose themselves.

how far along are you? have you had it confirmed by your doctor?

if it is confirmed, you need to tell your husband. Yes i think the chances are good it is your husband but there is no g'tee. even so, you owe your husband at least the chance to make a decision about his life based on all the information.

remember to breathe now. i know you are worked up into a tizz at the moment but you need to keep calm and think rationally. now of all times.

Hmmmm.... I don't want to judge you, but I also don't know what to tell you. Your situation is sticky to say the least. I understand your fear of telling your H, but he can't go on thinking this child is his if it is not. People do stupid things they regret, what you do to fix it is the key. I wish I had some advice for you, but I am stumped on this one.

Your H needs to be told!!!! You CAN NOT keep something like that from him!!!! Get a DNA test to prove if the baby is his afterwards! You will just have to face and take whatever he decides to do afterwards, it is really out of your control right now.

I understand the need to have a baby but was it worth losing your family for??

Besides the fact that it has been hitting the news alot lately of where the women never told the F that there was a chance the baby was not theirs, and F are finding out the truth, it is getting out of control and now woman are starting to get charged with fraud!!! And I support that cause as a woman it shames me the way my own sex acts.

Besides it is just so moral wrong not to tell him, you already commited the worse act against your marriage, now you need to do what is right and tell him, and be prepared for whatever happens after that. I know it is scarey at the thought of losing your family but you should of thought of that before hand.

smitchhelp,

Well, people have been know to do sillier things :-)
Since I live in a "Glass House", I won't be throwing rocks.

If you are anything like my W or OW when they were pregnant, you are a basket case.
Add to that the drama of “I don’t know who the father is”, and I can see how that must feel over whelming.

Others may suggest abortion; I will pray you will not go that route. I personally would fear the wrath of God for that one. I was never ready to have blood on my hands for that.

Here is the part I will get yelled at for:

You will need to tell your husband, the question is when. If I were in your boat, I would start getting my backup plan in place. If I read correctly, you already have a child to care for and now a new one on the way. Regardless of who the father is of this baby, you’re going to need the means to support these children.

Get your legal plan in place. You are also going to need a backup place to stay. Get organized. If you are not in a state of mind to do this, then get someone who is. When that is done, then you need to tell your husband.

If your H tells you to take a hike, then you need to get DNA testing done to see who the Bio Dad is. Like I said, you are going to need support.

If your H says, “lets work it out”. Then there are options. If he says, “I will be the Dad”, then I believe in most states, that your H will be the presumed Father. Issue done. DNA testing may not be in your best interest.

If your H says, I will still be your H, but I want OM to pay, then get DNA test and then look forward to joys of dealing with visitation issues. If I were your H and said I wanted to work it out, I would want everything to be as quiet as possible. I would feel humiliated that my W cheated.

On the upside, I think your odds of the baby being your H is pretty good. I would guess that it is 60% or better. The down side is he may still tell you to take a hike. Get your backup plan in place! You are not evil for planning for the worst; it is a reality that things could get ugly.

You will survive this! Lord knows I have made my share of mistakes too.

I am hoping that Autumn Day or Tigger will login and post to you...they are two of the most compassionate people I've ever had the pleasure of not actually ever meeting in real life. But they are wise and kind and will be able to help, I'm certain.

I want to tell you welcome. You are so very welcome...and you are not alone.

((((Smitch))))

- Kimmy

Hi Smitch~

It's never with delight that I welcome somewhere here, but please know you are very welcome, and like Kimmy said, you are not alone. And if anyone decides it would make good sport to mock you or treat you poorly, then they will have me to deal with, AND Kimmy too, because trust me... as she says, she won't let anyone jump in your koolaid if they don't even know the flavor or color or whatever it is she says...

First of all, what's in the past is in the past. As much as you, and each of us would love to... we can't go back and change the decisions we made in the past, so please, PLEASE stop beating yourself up about it. To continue to do so will bring nothing positive to anyone in your life, including yourself. I'm glad you feel remorse... that's a good step in the right direction, but now you need to put some legs on the remorse and start getting busy making RIGHT decisions for your present and future.

IMO, the first right decision you should make, and one you'll never regret is .... you absolutely need to tell your H of the A and the possibility of the baby being an OC... YES, even if it's just a possibility. If you want any hope of getting your M back on track, you must begin with being honest.

Once everything is out on the table, then you and your H can start making decisions together, with you BOTH fully aware of what's going on, and BOTH have the knowledge of what's at stake here, etc.

You will have lots of decisions to make together as a couple at that point, i.e. what you both want to do about your M, about the OM, the baby, DNA, etc, etc,(and the MB concept of Policy Of Joint Agreement aka POJA will be a necessary tool), however please don't fret about all the decision making right now, the time for all of that will come soon enough...

So, FIRST THINGS FIRST~~~> reveal the truth. BUT, this is not something to be taken lightly... it's not something you just blurt out. It would be a great idea to start with some phone counseling with Steve or Jenn Harley who can be reached by calling the MB office at 888-639-1639. They not only can help with giving you a plan on getting your M back on track, but can also guide you in telling your H about your A. I never used them, (though came very close), so I don't know first hand, but I've heard of some awesome results from people who found their counseling to be extremely effective.

There's lots more I can say, and will if you like, but I think this is a good start... the HONESTY part.

I do want to ask a couple questions though...

Have you ended all contact with the OM?

Does the OM's W know? For that matter, does anyone know?

Do you have a support system... a mother, sister, best friend, pastor, etc?

Oh, and one more bit of advice... I would NOT tell the OM yet about your P. You have no evidence at this point that the baby is his, but mostly because I believe your H deserves to know first. To tell or not to tell the OM is one of those many decisions you and your H will need to make together, (poja).

Oooops, not done yet, lol... one more thing... YES of course God will forgive you for this... He ALREADY DID the day His son died for you. You just need to repent it, and ask for His forgiveness, accept it, and do your very best not to repeat it.

Hugs..........

~ad

AD i am so glad you happened by. i was going to email you if you didnt.

i suspect someone beat me to it!

Smitchhelp,

Well, I am the other "resident" WW(wayward wife) w/oc on this board. I've been around for many a year, in fact, we just past the 6 year mark for our D-day(discovery day, the day that the A was told to our discovered by the BS(betrayed spouse)). I know how you feel with your past behaviours, but as AD said, God has already forgiven you, all you need to do is repent of those sins. I also agree that you need to talk to your H, preferably after you've either spoken with the Harley's or another PRO-MARRIAGE counselor. I couldn't tell for sure if you have already told your H of the A from the way that you wrote that portion of your first post here. I second all the questions that AD asked, about breaking contact with the OM, support system, etc.....

A few other things that I am going to suggest is that you take a look at the suggested reading on this website. It is VERY helpful, especially if you can't afford immediate help via the Harley's or other PRO-MARRIAGE counseling. I can honestly say that the books we ordered helped to save our M. Check out the top "sticky" threads on this specific forum welcoming you to the P/C portion of the forum. It gives GREAT advice, no matter if you are the WS, BS whatever.

Just know that I understand your pain, remorse, insecurity, guilt, disgust with your actions, all those feelings that never seem to stop. Then to have them compounded with the P only heightens the intensity of those feelings. I know, I was there 6 years ago! Those things are really unforgetable, but the intensity of the feelings do fade. I feel that the reminder of what I went through is a perfect checks and balance system of do I want to put my H and family through that ever again. Do I ever want to feel that way about myself again.

Finally, once you have come totally clean with your H, invite him to come here and post his questions, vents, feelings, whatever he feels will help him get through this. In fact, for us, it was my H who first posted to this board, not me. He was the one who found this website. You can do a search for "sailorman59" and it should bring up his posts, which in turn will show you MY first posts. It can show you that you are not alone in your travels and that we can help!

Please don't hessitate to ask me any questions. If they seem too personal, I'll let you know, but I'm pretty open about everything. Keep posting and reading!

???????????

now why would a counselor say something so strange as this ~~~> "most" ?????

this does not ring true

either you heard "many" as "most" .... or this is something you made up

Pep

There is no way to be sure if you are pregnant by your husband or your boyfriend without paternity testing.

I guess I will stick my neck out and suggest abortion. You seem to be having enough troubles in your life without a child whose paternity you can't be sure of.

Regards,
rs0522

RS,

**************edit***************
People DO survive these types of issues.

*************EDIT********


I may have 15 years of CS to deal with, but I also have a daughter that I love very much!

************************************************************
It is ashamed this had to be edited. This was not meant as flame bait or political statement. It was what I felt in my heart. That the action suggested was wrong.

So be it if people can not accept the fact that what was suggested was wrong!

It's your board, I guess you can do with it as you wish!

TH

TH, your post is WAY BEYOND INNAPPROPRIATE!

You are perfectly entitled to express your opinion but your language is offensive and inflammatory.

Ok i have been spotting and had my hcg levels checked which were 11 Wed and today Friday they have dropped to 6. It looks like i am having a miscarriage. Waiting to see what the dr says.

I'm so sorry Smitch.

If you need us, we are here.

TH - you are walking a slipper slope. Last I checked, thou shall not kill was right in there with thou shall not commit adultery. Be careful with those stones...

Carolyn,

It is what is, there little point in "sugar coating" it.

If storng words and a healthy dose of guilt may save a childs life. Then the means DO justify the ends.

As you say, I am entitled to an opinion, and everybody just got it.

It is also my opinion that if such action were taken, it would simply cause her to be in more emotional pain than she is already in. It would not be "good" for her either.

FamilyComesFirst,

I have had plenty of stones trown my way for what I have done. People and God may judge me as they wish. It does not however make abortion a moral choice in this case.

I do feel for the lady, but her needs, and that of the husband do not overide that of children. Especially when life and death are involved.

Stop it EVERYONE!

What she needs RIGHT now is not guilt...DID YOU JUST READ WHAT SHE WROTE????

She's lost one baby....and now?

Golly.

Support her NOW or don't reply.

Smitch...take care of yourself. I know you are hurting on so many levels right now.

Kimmy