So this is the first time I've posted on this forum. I wasn't sure if I should or not, but here goes.

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. She is everything to me, and we have had a great marriage up til now. She has always had a problem though with being too friendly and flirting with men. We have spent hours talking about this and trying to figure out why. She is the most friendly, outgoing, helpful person I've ever met, and she just doesn't know when to stop. I've always been able to deal with this in the past, but this time it went to far.

In her previous jobs, my wife has had male friends where she has developed feelings for them. The feelings were never returned however until this last time. The place she works is really a breeding ground for something to happen, and it did.

She started working out with this guy, he's 22 and married and she's 36, in December, 05. She had asked me if she could work out with this guy, and I said yes. That was when things went wrong. This guy was emailing her all the time on our home email, nothing personal, just like they were friends. Then in February, the emails stopped all of a sudden. I didn't really think anything of it, but I did notice on our computer that my wife had started an hotmail account. She was in charge of planning our 15th wedding anniversary, and I thought she was using the hotmail account so I wouldn't find out.

On Feb 24. my life came crashing down. She accidentally left the hotmail account open, and when I went down to the computer first thing in the morning, I saw it. This guy had talked her into starting an email account, and then hew started sending her emails proclaiming his affection for her and asking her to sleep with him. From the replies that I saw that she sent back, she never talked directly about her feelings for him. Just appreciated his flattery.

When I saw this for the first time, I was just crushed. I confronted her that night and she said that it was over. The night before she had sent him an email, that I saw, saying that he had to stop because it was too overwhelming and that she wouldn't give up everything that she has for him. However she did say that he had made her feel things she never felt before and that in another time and place, maybe things would have been different. This probably hurt the most at the time.

Anyways, the next day she sent him and email saying that she was closing the hotmail account and that things between them would be strictly work from now on. I read the email and it sounded good. The first 2 months were just ****** for me. She was still working directly with this guy every day, and even though she kept trying to reassure me, the suspicion was killing me.

I am not the most confident person in the world, and I am quite shy and introverted. My wife is the complete opposite, and this has always worked well for both of us. This latest interest of my wife's though really rocked what self confidence I had. I've spent the last 4 months doing a lot of soul searching and trying to build back up.

I've been basically following Plan A since the beginning, even though I only found this site a few days ago. I've been showering her with love, trying to make changes to my own life, and just generally being as helpful as I can to her. She has left her job, which she dearly loved, and is starting a new job at the beginning of August. I know that she did this for us, since I didn't want her to see this guy at all anymore. But she has said that they will probably remain friends. She knows that I don't want her to have any contact with this guy, but she says that she can't change who she is by just shutting him out. It's not in her nature to be unkind to people. This is where the problem is coming in.

I know that they still talk, and she has gone out for a few business lunches with him. I know that she also still doesn't tell me everything that happens, because she says she doesn't want me to get upset. But she swears that there is nothing other than friendship going on between them, while at the same time she says she still has some feelings for him.

I am just frustrated and confused with where things will go now. I am committed to my wife more than I ever have been, and I believe her when she tells me how much she loves me. But I also think that she is still confused about this guy somewhat, and doesn't want the feelings that he gives her to end.

Sorry this was so long, and hopefully it makes sense. I just thought it would do me some good to vent.
I do love and respect my wife more than anything, and I want our marriage to succeed and get even better than it was before. She is committed as well, and I know things will get better. We just have to ride out this tough experience.

Just wanted to add that any advice or wisdom from those who have been through similar situations would be greatly appreciated.

It's not in her nature to be unkind to people, but it's okay to be hurtful to her husband?

She needs to have no contact with the other man for any reason, or she won't recover her feelings for you.

She must send him a no contact letter that says the emailing was big mistake, she loves only you, is working on her marriage, and that she wants no contact with him ever again for any reason.

See if she will post here and explain the reason she is so cavalier about her relationship with you.

Thanks for the advice Believer. I definitely know that NC is the best way to go. Now that she has left her job, I will see how things go with them. I have asked her if she still thinks they will talk and see each other, and she says occasionally they might run into each other at the gym if she's working out. She still would like to remain acquintances with him.

I think one of the hardest things in dealing with this is that she knows how much it hurts me to see her still talking to this guy, or emailing him, but she still does it. I've told her this and she doesn't understand herself why she is still doing it. But I can see how much pain she is in trying to deal with what she has done. I just wish she would tell me how she is feeling and not worry that it will hurt me more.

Peter,

I'm so sorry about your situation. Kudos to your W for leaving her job. That is a good first step. But as a FWW I can tell you, just seeing the OM (and I don't mean talking to or emailing him, but just LOOKING at him) harms your M. This lesson took me quite a while to learn, and while I thought I was "okay" just seeing OM drive by in his car, I later learned that it kept him in my life and on my mind, taking time and energy (albiet small) away from my M.

I don't think your W understands her behavior at all. It appears your W has boundary issues when it comes to men. I bet the attention they give her boosts her self-esteem, whether she realizes it or not. Does she have any female friends?

Would she be open to the idea of coming here to read, if not post? I think it would be helpful to her.

Katie Mae,

Thank you for your comments. It is already helping me to be able to share this with other people who have experienced the same.

My wife and I have talked about the self esteem thing when we have tried to figure out why this happens, and she admits that it is a big reason she does it. She gets a big ego boost and it makes her feel very good inside. The thing that I don't understand is that I am always complimenting her and boosting her, but why isn't that enough. I tell her almost daily how beautiful and wonderful a person I think she is.

Her dad died when she was only 4 years old, and we often wonder if that might be a reason she feels the way she does about men. She has a lot of girlfriends as well, and her best friends are female. She just really enjoys a man's company as well as a woman's.

I would like her to look at this forum and I do believe it would help. My one worry is that she thinks that I am blowing this all out of proprtion anyways. She says that because she said no to this guy when he asked to sleep with her, that it isn't as bad as an affair. But the betrayal I feel is still so real, whether anything physical happened or not.

I love her with everything I have in me, and I just want this to go away so that we can be truly happy again.

P.S. Her former colleagues at work are throwing her a party tomorrow to say goodbye, and the OM is probably going to be there. I am invited as well, but do not want to see him ever again.

GO TO THE PARTY! Nothing puts a damper on an affair like a PRESENT SPOUSE.

Since she HAS to go (since it's for her) ... yeah (I don't like that she's going - I'm being honest. Wish she would have found a way out of it, like by telling someone at work WHY she's leaving and bowing out quietly)... but anyway ... go with her... and then... no contact AT ALL - not the gym, not "accidental" -- not ANYTHING.

And yes, kudos to your wife for leaving the job (big, BIG Kudos!)... but she has to follow through with the gym, especially. Sheesh, sweaty bodies, working out, breathless... dang, man, that's just NOT A GOOD SITUATION.

And as far as her childhood, etc. leading to this behavior - I understand that from a psychological standpoint it might seem like a "reason" but to me, now that I'm oh-so-much-older-and-wiser myself: THERE IS NO EXCUSE. It's all about CHOICES made TODAY, and tomorrow, and the day after that. Choices. Not mistakes. Not oopsies. Not accidents. Choices.

I do realize that the past affects the present -- we ALL have our stories, don't we? Not everyone with a childhood lke your W's choose to have an affair and/or flirt with other men to make themselves feel better.

And the betrayal IS REAL. Hear me! You have EVERY RIGHT to feel betrayed BECAUSE YOU WERE. (Caps for emphesis, not yelling, okay?)

Let us know how the party goes. Please be there... you need to be a presence and let this guy know that there's a HUSBAND who won't stand by and watch this from the sidelines.

Dear Shy and Introverted Peter,

Please, please, please, please go to the party! My husband's personality sounds much like yours. You not wanting to go to the party because you don't want to see OM is really avoiding conflict or angry/stressful feelings. It's sooo important you go, even if it totally sucks. Be there to support your W. Buy flowers for her and surprise her with them either before or after work with a nice card, "to new beginnings" or something like that. Acknowledge the good work she did at her old job and how great she'll do at the next one, and how much you appreciate her. Take her out to dinner afterwards as another surprise.

Your W thinks she can control this, but she cannot. This guy may be planning on some "goodbye" for your W's last day and you HAVE to be there so they can't be alone.

I know you want this to go away, but it needs to be dealt with head on. Coming here is a great first step, going to the party is the second.

You said your W has had feelings for other men before, but they weren't recipricated. This time they finally were, although it didn't become physical. It soon will unless something in your relationship changes. Your W may be sweet, cheerful and giving, but she is hurting inside. It is bad for the M, and she needs to fix it. You can help her.

GO TO THAT PARTY!!

I am planning on going to the party. I have already talked to this guy several times and told him what I think of what he's done. I have no intention of letting him be alone at a social function with my wife.

I should add something to our story so that everyone has a better understanding of where we are. Several years ago I had a problem with porn. Just looking at pictures and buying magazines, but I knew I was doing something that was a betrayal to my wife because she firmly believes it is wrong. I couldn't stop it on my own, and she eventually found out. This hurt her incredibly, but she eventually forgave me. I still have times when I am incredibly tempted, but I am able to stop because of my love for her.

We also are of very different religious backgrounds. She is very committed to her church and God, and I am not. This has always been an issue for us, but over the years I think we have been able to grow to understand and love each other outside of these differences. There was a time when I was trying to find out anything I could to get her to disbelieve in her church, but I never confronted her with it because I knew it was wrong. I only asked questions, which was still not respectful. Now, I have come to accept and respect what she believes in, and she does the same for me.

I am not trying to defend what she has done by explaining these things, just to shed light on how we have gotten to this point. I love her, but I know that I haven't always done everything I can to meet her emotional needs. I know that I have things to work on with her as far as meeting her needs, and I want to do this 100%.

You are very right about wanting to avoid conflict Katie Mae. But that is one of the things I have been working so hard at since I found out is trying to deal with conflict head on. That is why I have phoned the OM directly and talked to him, and I have already been to another party that he was at in the first 2 months after this happened. I would never have done this before, being shy and not wanting to deal with conflict. But now I am going to fight for what I want, which is a great marriage to the woman of my dreams.

Those were great suggestions as far as the flowers and dinner and cards. I have already done quite a bit of that since this started, but I can always do more. I will do anything I can to show her how much I love her.

As she should want to meet yours as well. Have you talked about going to MC?

So I got home last night and asked my wife about the party and if OM is going to be there for sure. She had talked to him and he asked if it was ok with me for him to go. I feel like if I say I don't want him there, then I am empowering him. But I really don't want her to see him ever again. What should I tell her?
I think I might tell her about this forum and the Marriage Builders website today and see if she might want to check it out. It will probably be very difficult because she will have to think about what she did, and my wife is very good at compartmentalizing things that are emotionally difficult. I think this is a good thing sometimes that she has this ability, but in this situation I definitely don't.

You W should Tell OM that SHE would prefer he not come, and also hand him a NC letter. She needs to break all contact in order to begin the healing process. Continued contact means continued feeling and thoughts about OM.

Of course that is what I'm hoping she will do. But I don't think she will because she still thinks that this is something that I have to deal with, just as she has to deal with her feelings for him. She firmly believes, always has, that she needs to face challenges head on and win. And she sees her feelings for this guy as a challenge that she must overcome, and not run away from. She says if she can't do it this time, what's to prevent her from letting it happen again.

I'm not sure if this is the best approach either. I don't believe in running away from problems either, but I think that by staying friends with this guy, the possibility of something happening is just to dangerous. She wasn't able to stop it in the first place, so why would she suddenly be able to stop now when she still has these feelings for the guy.

Peter,

Have you given your W an answer yet? If I were you, I would throw the ball back in her court.

"You know how I feel about all of this. You do what you think is right."

The fact that she couldn't answer OM when he asked her (what nerve he has, btw) shows that she KNOWS having him there is wrong.

You said:

"Of course that is what I'm hoping she will do. But I don't think she will because she still thinks that this is something that I have to deal with, just as she has to deal with her feelings for him."

WRONG. These are not seperate struggles... this is a couple issue. It needs to be worked on together, as a team. She has feelings for another man and you being upset is YOUR problem to deal with?? Her feelings for him is HER challenge to overcome?? This is fog speak, big time. This man is intruding on your M, it's as simple as that. You don't like him, it's as simple as that. She needs to RESPECT you, not face "this challenge" with OM on her own.

Please guide her to this site. All of what you are saying is very familiar, as I was also guilty of the same way of thinking. If your W truly wants to save her M, she will listen and learn from the good folks here.

Thinking of you today... let us know how the party goes.
((Peter))

Thanks for the sentiment Katie. It does help to get outside opinions on this. We have only told my parents and a good friend who had a similar situation happen to her. While it is helpful to talk to them, sometimes, especially parents, can be very judgemental. That is not what I think either of us need. I know I get very defensive and angry when people attack my wife, and it makes it harder for me to remain objective.
In answer to your question, I told her last night when she asked me that I didn't feel it was my place to tell her to tell the OM to not come. I said you know how I feel, and that I never want to see him again.

Sometimes I wonder if all the fears that I get are just my own insecurity showing through. She does keep telling me that this will never happen again, and she has expressed numerous times that I am the love of her life and she has no other love. And it feels wonderful when she says this, but then there is always something that brings up this guy again, and that brings back the feelings of suspicion. I know that she loves me, I just wish that she would agree to cut OM out of our lives so that we can heal together.

Peter,

I would recommend not involving parents. When I was trying to end it with OM, I still didn't want to tell H. I told my parents instead, hoping that would give me "strength" (it did not.) While parents are well-intentioned, they have NO idea about the dynamics of As and only try to protect their children. I no longer discuss this issue with my folks, even though H and I are in recovery and doing very well. I've learned it's just none of their business, even though I love them dearly.

I don't think your fears are just insecurity. I also think you can't help what you feel, and your W needs to respect your feelings. I honestly think your W can't help herself at this point, and doesn't see anything wrong with her behavior. She's probably acted this way for so long, it's just second nature for her. The fact that she won't cut OM out of your lives demonstrates she's not respecting your feelings, and it really appears due to a lack of understanding.

My name isn't really Katie Mae, but it's my nickname here at MB. I chose this name because before my A, I worked in an office where I had a friendship with a man that my H did not approve of. We were only friends, but my H did not like him and did not like me spending time with him. I though H was crazy and told him so. I felt that our friendship was perfectly fine, and H was just being jealous. I did not respect H feelings, and this was the beginning of my downward desent. I now realize my friendship with this co-worker was inappropriate, in part because it made my H uncomfortable. This man had nicknames for all the girls in the office, and my nickname was Katie Mae. I chose this name as my MB name to remind me how little I knew about boundaries, respect, and real love.

Did you end up going to that party? How did things go?

Hello,

I am sorry if I missed this but it is absolutely essential that you contact the OM's wife and inform her of his actions. This is absolutely critical. If you do not do this then you are sending a message for him to continue in these type of activities without fear of consequences.

I am very sorry to read of the pain you are going through. You might want to read my thread as it is a little similar to yours: H had EA but did not even fully realize it was an EA because of his great ability to compartmentalize. The EA never became physical.

The big differences: Once I pointed out to him the ways it was an EA, he understood fully that it was an EA. He felt tremendous guilt and immediately wrote a no contact letter. He has had no contact and feels tremedous remorse and guilt for the EA and the way it has changed our relationship.

Another similarity: I am in pain and anger about the EA. I am healing because we are working on changing our behavior with each other and improving our relationship. I am also healing because my H has no contact and NO interest in contact with OW.

Your wife had an EA from what you describe. You have normal feelings of pain from what you describe. You are not blowing this out of proportion.

I hope your W reads this site and initiates no contact with OM. You deserve that and your wife will do better and feel better with NC. This relationship is not something she needs to overcome be seeing him and restraining herself. You and she need NC!

My H and I are doing better the last couple of days but it has been very rough. He loves me now more than ever and has made some big changes that make our relationship better than it ever was before the EA. I just wish we did not have to have gone through the EA to get to this point.

Regards,
Lake

I did go to the party. It was very difficult and before I even got there my heart was pounding and I was sweating on the drive over. I was really hoping he wouldn't be there, but he was. When we got there, wife and I went around saying hi to everyone, and I shook OM hand. I tried to put as much meaning into that handshake as I possibly could. That was the only contact I had with him all night, and my wife had very little as well. It was still very diffucult whenever he was in the same room as us, and I kept watching him to see if he was looking at my wife. I did see him a few times, and it just made me mad.

Overall though I think it went ok. My wife had a great time and it was nice to see how much she had affected the lives of all her coworkers. She had been there manager, and they were all very grateful for the time they had to work with her. She is really a wonderful person, just with a weakness that she is trying to overcome.

Your story Katie, about being friends with a man at work that your husband had a hard time with, is so close to our situation. My wife has always had close male friends at every place she's worked, and I have tried to be okay with it, but it was always hard and I would tell her from time to time. I always feared that something would happen, and finally it did. NOw we are trying to deal with this, and move forward to an even better marriage.

When you were friends with the other man at work Katie, did you get frustrated with your H for not trusting you enough? My wife does and I'm just wondering if that might be a trigger that drives her, not wanting to feel like she's letting me tell her what to do. She is very independant.

Peter,

Kudos to you for going to the party... I can't believe you shook OM's hand! Very classy of you.

As far as my previous situation went, H's uncomfortableness with my old co-worker (and a couple of other men I was friends with pre-affair) were not triggers. I never felt he was telling me what to do, just that he was jealous and cluless (he WASN'T, but that's what I thought at the time.) I use to think, "he's worried about BOB? Oh please," kind-of-thing. The truth is, I think H sensed my naivete and I just thought I had guy friends. I've since learned that I can't have male friends, and I don't anymore. Anytime H tells me he's uncomfortable, I listen.

The fact that your W is "independent" is a bad sign. You can't be independent in a M. I use to be the same way, and I learned the hard way that it's not possible to function in a healthy relationship and be "independent."

Have you given any more thought to telling her about this site?