I'm not sure how to start, but at this time I just need to let out some of my pain. We have been married for 15 years. We have two children 9 and 12. I'm so tired and I just want all of this to go away. I know wishful thinking.... Here is a part of my story:

On the evening of June 1st I found an email my husband had sent earlier that day to one of my closest friends. She also happens to be my neighbor and lives directly across the street from our home.

After we put our two children to bed, I asked him to come outside to talk with me. He denied he was seeing her, denied the email and went back into our home, taking our discussion with him. I then pulled out the email and read it:
Dear Y-----. Justed wanted to let you know that I am still alive and kickin'. Sorry I haven't called but after I got home last week I just had this huge guilt complex hit me after M----- and the kids expressed how much they missed me and how glad they were to have me home. It's not that I don't want to talk with you or see you, believe me it's actually just the opposite. I just want you to know that I care very deeply for you and the feelings I have for you are such that I can't pretend or live like this. I feel so guilty that I can't stand myself, it actually make me sick to my stomach. I will call you soon and we will at least talk on the phone about all this. I guess I'm just asking for a little time and space. I know you feel how distant I have been lately and just know that my feelings are no reflection on you. This is about me and my inability to cope with the charade of me pretending like I am a great father and husband and knowing in my heart that I'm really not!!! The deception of everyone around me is just too much. Love -----

Our children were listening from the top of the stairway unnoticed........everything as I knew it, or thought I knew it, ended that night. I also called her home in anger and left a message on her answering machine. I watched out the window as her husband listened to my message. I feel ashamed that I didn't have more control of myself, but I wasn't myself..........

There have been too many lies to count and obviously I'm sure there is more to this than I'm aware of. These are the facts that have changed more than once but have remained:

He began seeing her secretly two years ago. They only got together for lunch 8 to 10 times during that time. He took her for a ride in one of our airplanes. His cell phone bills show an average of 5 to 10 calls between them a month, I have no idea on the home phone. He never had sex of any kind and they never kissed. He insists it was platonic but felt she was wanting more. He says he sent the email as a beginning to end the relationship. He never went inside her home and she was never in ours when I wasn't there.

He said he had never intended for their relationship to get this out of hand. That he feels there is nothing missing from our marriage. We have had a very happy marriage and our sex life is awesome. He agreed to counseling (we already gone 5 times). And says he is willing to do what ever it takes to keep our marriage together. He promises that it is over and that he wants no contact with her ever.

I do believe he loves me and I love him.

I wrote an email to her. She was one of my closest friends, was actually the person who brought God into my life. I thought we were so close we were practically family. I love her children like they were my own. Our kids have grown up together and were every day playmates. We've carpooled our kids to school. I took her and her kids on vacations with us, because her husband has to work summers. We made dinners for each other and talked or waved to each other every day. She had a key to my home (locks are now changed) and took care of our cat when we vacationed. We were gone ten days this April!! This is a woman whom I loved like a sister and have shared so much of my life with her. I am just devastated and shattered by all this pain! She has not written back.

We left for a 2 week vacation (husband was working and the kids and I came along) June 24th. We had planned this prior to me finding out.

That is the same day another close neighbor pulled me aside and asked what was going on across the street. I told him I didn't know what he meant. (J--'s wife had died almost 3 years ago and our three families have been real close as both of us help watch his child once in awhile). J-- told me that Y----'s husband was standing on the front porch yelling vulgar profanity a little while a go. He repeated what he heard. The last sentence was "I'm going to kill you". By the profanity used I knew it was obviously directed at my husband. I guess their were other neighbors outside at the time as well. I quietly confessed what I knew. Thank God we were leaving.

The day we got back home brought back so much of the pain, we ended up going to his parents home for the next three days. On the second day I told my husbands mother. I wasn't planning to, I was just tired of her talking about how proud she was of us, how happy she was that we had a good marriage, and what a good father my husband was. It just came out. I devastated her. I still feel terrible and am not sure if she has told her husband, R----'s Dad. I have not told R----- that I told his mother, should I?

The day we left his parents home we dropped off our children with my Mom to spend a week with her. This was planned. For which I am thankful for as it keeps them away from our situation here at home. I am also afraid of Y----'s husband.

We have had no contact with them. We have no idea what is going on. I would like to talk to her and hear her side but I don't know if I want to shatter myself even more. I don't know what we SHOULD do.

Her husband has not yet confronted mine. What are the chances of that? They were not close and were not friends.

I am consumed with finding evidence, I have even contacted the cell phone company for them to send me all of last years statements, which will be arriving in 7 days.

I can't stop looking out my windows. Here even as I type I look across to her home. Everwhere I walk has a window facing her home. I have never noticed that before..... It's driving me crazy. I want to move, but I love my house, should we move anyway??? Y---- knows my husbands work schedule, knows every minute of my daily routines. I'm afraid to be outside. I can't even walk to my mailbox.

I've read so many books about affairs now, I understand most of what I am going through.

But HER house is directly across from mine............

Thanks for listening.

Since it's so close to D-Day (5 weeks ago), it's quite likely that much more than that went on in your H's A. Your H is still likely avoiding telling you the full truth because he wants to protect your feelings.

If you're up to it, talking with the OW or the OWH might help to answer some of your questions about what actually went on. If you're going to do it, do it soon. I didn't ask the OM about his A with my FWW, and I regret doing so. Not that I think she's deliberately lying about any of the details she gave me, but past experience with her suggests that it's quite likely she de-emphasized or left out certain details that might made her look worse.

On moving, I'd say go for it if you can. Not only would it help to establish NC, I think that it might be damaging to you and your M if you continue to go through what you're going through now. I'd suggest having a talk with the OW and her H first, to find out what they're planning to do (no need to move if they're planning to do so...).

Welcome. Wow, a wandering spouse who actually felt guilty enough to stop. That is somewhat unusual.

I have a lot of hope for your marriage. It is good that you let everyone know what was going on.

I suggest that you put your house up for sale and then move away. Once the line was crossed, no more of your kids playing with theirs, no more friends, no more vacations, no more contact.

Hang in there. It is miserable at first, but gets much better.

I'd compare notes with OW's H. For some reason a WW's wall of denial seems to crumble faster than a WH's. It's likely it was physical...but not certain.

Like ManinMotion said...find out if THEY intend to move first. Just an inquiry. If they do not intend to move then offer to flip a coin. One of you two HAS to move.

Oh, and be very wary of the tendency of Betrayed Spouses to flirt with the idea of a revenge affair together. I know consciously you'd never conceive of it...but in the heat of anger/passion it can seem logical. You'd only be adding more hurt and destroying your own integrity in the process. Don't share too much with OW'sH.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

Hi randomm,

sorry to see you here, but you chose a place that can really help... and if you're getting some help from Mr. W, MIM and Believer, you're getting it from some of the best.

After I finally exposed to OMW, I met with her a couple of times. This was about 5 months after I had found out about my W and had next to nothing from her of details. OM gave up a lot more to his W and she shared with me. This helped our situation a lot. I got some info which verified, I found out some other info which showed me my imagination was worse than the truth... but the best part, OM put down my W to his W about several things... and when I was able to relay that to my W, it moved her out of her fog faster than I could ever hope to. She saw the R for what it was, and the fantasy of OM was stripped away.

I would also suggest talking to OWH.

One caution. Put a limit of once or twice talking to OWH. In my sich, the OMW came to my work when she was at a low point and made a pass at me... wanted a revenge A. You are vulnerable and sharing personal issues with the opposite sex can be a dangerous place to be.

Shaden

I just want to tell everyone thanks for listening. Those of you posting back to me have helped in my process to heal, Thank you. Just writing my feelings out and knowing over 130+ people have read my story, even though they don't know me personally, has helped so much. I've taken hours going thru all the postings here prior to writing my first post. I thank God for letting me find this site.

I spent about 8 hours yesterday writing a letter to my husband. I focused on "the puzzle" and how I have so many missing pieces and I made it MY story. I tried as hard as possible to keep it focused on one main point and not to stray from that. I believe Pepperband won't mind - and I suggest if your the BS and you want to save your M, that you consider reading "Joseph's Letter" and making it yours too.

I gave it to my WW last night. I told him there was a letter in the den for him to read when he was ready. He held me and asked if I was leaving him. That broke my heart, but I just said when your ready it's there. I gave him a 1/2 hour alone in the den and then entered. I handed him a copy of his email to the OW and told him he should read this also.

When he came downstairs, his first words were "Now I totally understand where you are at". He told me that that was the most beautiful letter he has ever read. He wants to keep it yet he wants to throw it away.......We had the most amazing conversation. He took his email and read each line, then tried to explain.

I do believe him about not having any sexual relations with the OW. I do believe him that they never kissed. I believe him when he said that that is what he could feel she wanted and that is why he was ending it. And I do believe that the OW might tell me a different story.

We agreed that it is not a healthy situation to live across the street from the OW. Though not because of the EA picking back up again. I really think it is completely over for my WH. But thinking of past events and having my children telling me the OW was constantly asking them about "Daddy". I do believe that the OW is very much inlove with my H and would have left her H for mine in a heartbeat. She is in a very bad marriage and I know her H is verbally abusive.

My DD told my mother last night that the OW's daughter said this was all my fault. Our counselor told me it was because the OW was still hoping to continue with the A.

The OWH cut me off in his car recently at the bottom of our cul de sac and flipped me off. It hurt.

We will somehow make contact with the OW and find out what is going on with them soon. I'm afraid of her H and her children are always there. I am not sure if she will answer the phone. I know I need to hear her side of the story, but think I should wait a little while longer. One of us definately needs to move and I'm sure it will have to be us because I know they can't afford to (they've rented their home for 7 years and live pay check to paycheck). It has even crossed my mind to offer her $5k to move, but then her home will still always be across the street.........

They are renting....mmmm, expose to the Landlord. Maybe he's a Christian with a compassionate heart that will see fit to evict them. He (or she) could seek out a new tenant before he/she ever even gives notice of eviction to your neighbors. Perhaps, if the Landlord complies to keeping it on the down-low, it could all be done without them even knowing it was you.

Just an idea.

OW is blaming YOU....how ridiculous. Just maybe she maintained her denials by indicating your telephone message was phony (i.e.-you did it cause you are a jealous possessive wife). Maybe OW's H was swearing at YOU the other day. Doubtful. But why was he cutting YOU off and flipping YOU off. Strange.

About our warnings. It doesn't appear likely you want anything to do with OW's H, however, be really careful of OW'sH nonetheless. It's very uncommon and unlikely, however, there is an old story on here of an OW's BH raping his wife's OM's wife (i.e. - you). Kind of a get back at OM, pyschotic, cave-man-like, deluded reclaiming of masculinty...if you will.

Mr. W

O.K. I can't do this I am totally a mess....

I am so mad I can't stand it! I can't stand the fact that my WH had an EA with my best friend, who happens to live across the street! I mentioned tonight that he was sexually attracted to her and he told me "no"
... a two year EA, IMG!!!

Our children have been playing together for the last 4 days...the OW told my daughter yesterday how very sorry she was, and that she wanted to tell me also but knew I wouldn't forgive her. I feel she's using my kids to make me the bad person. I told my daughter that the only reason she's sorry is that she got caught.

My daughter's 9 yrs old and should not have to deal with this crap!! My children are having to deal with crap that they should NEVER have to deal with and it is all because of the charade!!

Tonight I told my husband that I can not believe he hasn't talked to me about this whole thing in the last week. I feel so stupid. I'm having to live with this right across the street and it is heart breaking! He acts like every thing is normal. He's making me crazy with the "normaltization"!!!

I understand plan A and plan B, but when it's right outside your window, things just don't mesh. It isn't so cut and dried. It is not as easy.

I feel abandoned by God. At the time that I was feeling the closest to Him, He abandonded me. I've tried to rationalize it, but it is true.

I love my home. I don't want to move......... We've lived here for over 10 years. But we are the ones who will have to move. A landlord with a Christian compassion is not available.

It's 2:33am.

I'm tired and I'm all alone.
I'm saddened.
I'm ashamed.
And I'm crying..............

I can feel your pain! I sit in my office reading your post with tears streaming down my face.
Every day since D-day 5/9/06 has been a roller coaster ride! Up and then down!! Please go and talk to somebody! A pastor, a counselor, a close friend. I find that talking to someone who will listen helps to ease the pain. I always loved the poem "Footprints In The Sand" In your darkest moments there are only one set of footprints in the sand. Those are the times that God carried you! He is carrying you now!

Thanks '4kids2fightfor" for your kind words. We do have a counselor...and I would be deeply embarrassed if our pastor new of this.

I have gone through 17 months of cell phone records. Unfortunately the earlier ones do not list the "incoming" phone numbers(technology must not have been available at that time), but at least I can see how many times he called her. The most per month is 11 from his cell phone (though I know he used the home phone too). I have called our cell phone company and ordered another years worth. I need to fill in the puzzle, see when it began and if it really started up in June of 2004 like my H has told me.

The cell phone records have helped me as I see the pattern of their relationship.

His calls are mostly Tues. and Fri. Hers are on Mon., Tues. and Fri. Before or after H calls to her are calls to me (making sure I am keeping to my schedule?). The thing I find saddening is that most of their time together was when I was at Bible Study on Tues. A time when I was strengthening my faith with God and learning how to become a better Christian wife for my husband.... The Friday calls allowed him to talk to her as he waited for our children in his car at school.

We haven't talked much about his affair lately. He tells me that I am pushing him away by talking about it. He says he hasn't talked to the OW since my discovery. I believe him, unless he has called her from work? I told him I find that hard to believe since the EA went on for so long. He says it shouldn't be that hard since he loves me, is trying to save his M and doesn't want to lose me or the kids. He says this was the biggest mistake he has made in his life and it makes him sick to his stomach to talk about it. that it will never happen again. Yet he doesn't know why it happened in the first place....

I guess I will wait till he hopefully brings up the subject to discuss. During that time I will gather as much info as I can to fill in the missing pieces so I can better understand. I have being thinking of maybe contacting the OWH so we can compare notes. Not sure how I would do this but if the right opportunity arose....we could meet at a public place, the OWH's anger should be settling down by now.

I do want to make it clear that I love my husband very much and I desperately want our marriage to work out for our kids sake.

Does anyone think I should just let this go and get on with our marriage or should I investigate like I am doing? I need to know if I might be causing more harm than good to my marriage by investigating the past and making sure it wasn't physical or more to it? I just feel in my gut there is more that he isn't telling me.

At this time I have also been looking for a new home so we can move away. This is a lot harder than I thought it would be.....

Found out last night that he had been sleeping with her................

I am quite devastated and feel quite the fool. They were having afternoon "romps" at a hotel room in the next town. He paid everything in cash. I am sick inside and feel like dying.
He promises that he has had no contact since the day I found out, June 1st. But who knows for sure.

Anyway, a "for rent" sign was put outfront of her house yesterday. My son talked with the OW daughter in the cul de sac. She told him they were moving at the end of this month. That her mom and dad were separating and that they (OW and kids) will be living with a family member for awhile.

I had my WH send an email to the OW before he left for work this morning. We used the "Kevin letter" from Dr. Harley's book.

He says he wants nothing to do with the OW and will do anything it takes to save our marriage. I see my counselor privately on Wednesday. I pray that I can get through this. I will continue to work on Plan A though it will be much harder to do now.

Ah, the truth finally comes out.

This means that he's been lying to you since June 1st. I can understand how bad that must make you feel, having experienced something similar myself. It feels a bit like someone's ripped out all your insides and replaced them with icewater, right? The feeling will eventually pass; the more empathy your H shows for you, the quicker it will pass. Unfortunately my FWW doesn't do empathy very well... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

As D-Day was only 2.5 months ago, expect more lies to be exposed, perhaps not as great as this particular one.

Anyway, it's better that you found out now rather than a year or so into recovery, because that would have meant starting recovery all over again from scratch. Keep encouraging him to tell you the truth about his A - it will be better for both of you in the long run.

FWIW, not too many of us who have been here awhile are surprised that they were sleeping together. Most of us had to work at getting the truth from our WS and many of us, myself included, still are not sure that we know "all of it."

One thing that IMHO can be dangerous is talking to the OP. In your case, OW believes that she is in love with your WH, so she will very likely say anything to try and break up your marriage in hopes that your WH will come running to her.

The OW in my case, succeeded in planting some very harmful seeds of doubt with me that I will never be able to prove or disprove and now, more than 2 1/2 years later, I still worry over things a bit.

It is good that OW is moving, very good.


I can tell from your posts that you are on the roller coaster and know that is normal and that it will continue. Also, it is normal for your FWH to be reluctant to talk about what he has done. He feels guilty about it, is ashamed, and is only now realizing how much damage his actions have caused to you, your children, and even himself.

Once OW is gone, things will be a bit more bareable for your whole family. Suggest that you get the book SAA and read it together with your FWH. It will help him to see that what you are experiencing is normal and give him a little perspective into how this whole experience has hurt you.

Right now, he just wants to move on and forget that all of this ever happened. It will take him a while to realize and accept that the marriage and relationship you once had is dead and gone and now you have to start all over.

Keep posting and reading here, it is a very good place to get suppiort and understanding from so many wonderful folks who have walked in your shoes and understand exactly how you feel.

Who

I am very sorry you discovered the truth but it is what it is. Now at least you have the opportunity to deal with it.

Very glad to hear THEY are moving. The "end of the month" is only 13 days away. Yeah!

Mr. Wondering

sorry this is happening to you , I know how bad it hurts to be cheated on ,believe me. my husband has been having a affair with his exwife for 2 years now. I have gained 30 pounds from all the stress and everything is just a mess.
anyway I want you to know the Lord God Loves you very much, and he has not deserted you. he is always there for you whenever you feel , lonely, angery, sad, depressed reach out to him and he will hold you through this hard time. it was only my relationship with the Lord that kept me from going insaine and becoming bitter, I also have found letter my husband was writing to women online. , he said they were just friends but reading the letter he said to one women that he wished he had a beautiful wife like her, that just tore me up inside reading that.at least in the letters I found it sounded like he was trying to start a relationship with these women, not already had a relationship.
anyway please remember God Loves you, and we here care about you too. and if you ever need a friend online I am here.
Love LIsa

I'm sorry you are finding out more now. That makes it hard.

Hopefully, you can start recovery now.

It is good he sent the no contact letter.

I know that your children are friends with hers, but there needs to be NO CONTACT with anyone in the family. Even if they move, do not allow phone calls or playing together.

Again, I am sorry for your pain. If it helps, my husband also had broken off the relationship before I found out. He was honest about the sexual relationship though.

Keep seeing your counselor and hang in there.

I have had a totally surreal day and I've had 3 hours of sleep since Thursday. I feel like I'm dreaming this awful nightmare or am just watching a movie unfold.

I took my son to the orthodontist this morning. The other WH was there paying his DD's bill. Funny, because yesterday I had written him a note asking him to call me that I wanted to place on his windshield but chickened out. It was still in my handbag. Funny, because I told my WH last night that the OWH and I had talked and that I knew the truth. That is when he finally confessed............
We talked for 40 minutes and then he called my cell and we talked longer. He did not know about them sleeping together. He seemed calm and rational. He told me that he believed my marriage would work, but that his has been dead for a long time. He hasn't slept with the WW for like 2 years. Weird. They sleep in seperate bedrooms.

I received 13 more months of cell phone records and discovered another lie. It has been going on for more than 2 years. I can only go back to December of 2003.

This is where it gets really freaky. The OW"s mother calls me at 9pm tonight and tells me that my husband, me, and my children are in serious danger. That she believes the OWH is going to kill mine and that he has multiple personalities. She said he wants to get even and he could hurt me too. That she is very upset about what her daughter has done to me and she doesn't condone it at all, but that she is worried about our safety. That this is the work of Satan. (Give me a break! Why is it when somebody does something wrong they always need to blame someone else). Yet, she stays in the house across the street with the WW and her children, and doesn't leave the home to get away from the OWH.

This whole family is completely nuts! I cannot believe my husband put me in this place that I am right now. I cannot believe any of this is happening to me. I don't even know who to believe anymore.

I broke down sobbing after talking to the OW's mom. My husband said I needed to get a grip so we can handle this appropriately. I feel like I'm in a coma.

My husband had to work the nightshift tonight. He tried to get out of it but couldn't. He called me on his way to work crying, saying how sorry he was, and how much he loved me and that he just got done praying to God for our family. I was mean, I told him that after these last two months I don't know if I believe in God anymore. I know that was the wrong thing to do, but hey, I'm shattered. I also feel a little abandoned.

I decided to stay here in my home tonight with my children instead of going to a hotel. I don't really feel that we are in danger after talking with the OWH today, but maybe we are, maybe my husband is. Maybe the OWH is really crazy or maybe it was always made to look like he is. I just don't know anymore. The alarm is set and soon I will go to bed.

Thank you all for caring about me and for your posts.

I do pray to God several times a day. I have been praying that he will take all the pain, hurt, and hate from me and replace it with love, forgiveness and faith.

I have lost a total of 25 lbs. since June 1st...............

Post deleted by randomm

Randomm,

I empathise with you greatly. My wife got involved with a neighbour. We moved away for 4 months until they sold their house and only then returned. Look in the "Just found Out" board for Josephs letter. Getting details of the affair in dribs and drabs cannot go on forever. Give your husband that letter. Make him sit you down and give you EVERY detail NOW. Then you have something to build a recovery on here. You CAN make it throught this. I know what you are going through and I know how hard this is for you. You can and will make it through.

Blessings,

BK

I am so sorry you are going through this. I sort of know how you feel, as the 2 PA's (seperate ones) that my partner had, BOTH ended up moving just up the street from us after we bought our house :-( This has been very hard on me.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers, try to stay strong and keep posting & reading.