W wants to stay together but can't stay away from bars and getting drunk. I'm not talking about a couple pops after work.....I'm talking about totally S**T-faced drunk 2 -3 times a week.

She is bipolar, very depressed lately. In the old days she could hang with the best of them, now she's a mess. Cut off the money, AA Meetings, All booze gone from home, Told her to choose (Leave or stay), sent to rehab, mental hospitals, etc. Nothing has worked to keep her sober.

Thw trend is a couple days after she swears never to do it again the addiction strikes. Too powerful for her to control.

I've been tough.....nothing works. What do ya do??? She used to be great! Where do we go now?? Too many things to detail in her brain.

"What do ya do???"

HT nothing is the answer. Nobody can force an addict give up their addiction. Nobody.

Addicts love their addiction more then anything else.

Some may quit when they hit rock bottom but rock bottom for one person might be the top of the world for another.

All you can do is make your choice.

If it is leave if she doesn't then that is what you may need to do. This may be her rock bottom.

I chose to stay and she started AA 6 months ago and hasn't had a drink since.

Her rock bottom was me telling her we were done but really meaning it.

I told her to get clean and sober so at least I wouldn't be worried about her getting drunk an passing out when she had the kids. If I had to worry about that I would fight and probably get full custody.

"Nothing has worked to keep her sober."

Al-Anon.

What you do for you matters.

LA

If she chose to drink then why is she still there? Do you have children?

I Give Up!!!

'Nuff said...........

You don't need to give up.

You can enforce your original boundry and see how that works.

If she drinks you will not stay. It doesn't need to be permanant unless she refuses to stop drinking.

Again this may be her rock bottom.

"If she drinks you will not stay. It doesn't need to be permanant unless she refuses to stop drinking."

Well, I'm not leaving the home. It's her problem, not mine anymore. I've tried and tried, supported and supported, etc. Eventually the hurt supercedes Love.

It's killed our marriage, our family and it's starting to take it's toll on me.....

Hanging,

Been there done that. If you have kids then guess wha tit is your problem. If it is hurting you it is your problem.

Unless you can make her leave I don't see what you are getting at.

I agree that hurt does supercede love or there is so much hurt the love is lost. There is only so much love can overcome.

If it is taking it's toll on you then restate your boundries, get an intervention do whatever it takes to get her clean and sober.

If that doesn't work get a court order to remove her from the home.

You cannot just kick her out.

Will she agree to just leave?

I know where you are coming from. I feel the same way as you sometimes. Right now as a matter of fact. But realistically I can't just kick her out. I wish it were that easy sometimes.

Don't make a mistake that will cost you in the long run.

ht, I have sober 21 years on April 27th because my H did the most compassionate thing for me. He told me to get the ****** out or go to AA and never drink again. He told me this after a particularly bad drunk where I BROUGHT a man home from the bar. At my home was my sleeping husband and 2 small boys. This stranger kissed me in our driveway and my H ran him off.

Anyway, the ultimatum he gave me was the best thing that ever happened in my life. That day I had to make a choice to continue to drink or choose my H and children. I chose the latter.

But I would not have made that choice unless I had to. Alcoholics always continue to drink and abuse others until they can abuse no more. When you are no longer available for abuse is when she will stop abusing you.

Thank You for the responses....

I've tried setting boundaries, giving ultimatums.....I understand I can't kick her out. Boundaries and ultimatums are words.....how do you enforce them when they are crossed and she has no where to go? Do I go to a Judge and make her leave??? I will not allow the mother of my daughter to live on the streets. If she goes to a hotel or apartment,that's not an option since I'll still end up paying for everything. She has no means to support herself right now.

She's threatend to move out but after a few days decides she still loves me, doesn't want to split our family and wants to stay. 3 or 4 days later we're back again. Call me a "sucker".

I don't want her to leave or end the marriage/family but I'm kinda stuck at the moment.

"Boundaries and ultimatums are words.....how do you enforce them when they are crossed and she has no where to go? Do I go to a Judge and make her leave???"

Boundries are words and if they are crossed you have to progressively enforce them.

Here is what I said to my FWW that may have pushed her toward sobriety.

I told her I wanted a D and that if she wants to see the kids she should quit drinking. She asked me if I was actually going to use her alcholism against her. I said no I wouldn't hold it against her. I would let the courts decide how often she gets to see the kids based on the facts. The fact is you are an alcoholic that is not sober. If the courts decide that it is "in the best interest" of the kids to be with me because of that so be it. I also said it is my understanding that you will probably only get supervised visitation about 4 days a month because of that. She asked how I could do that to her. I said I am not.

I told her I would be a negligent parent if I knowingly allowed that to happen. I brought up the time she was passed out over the toilet and my OS had a cheese sandwich in his hand telling her it made him feel better when his tummy was upset to have a cheese sandwich. I reminded her that she was planning on going out to dinner it that state with my kids.

That day she started AA and has remained sober ever since. Her rock bottom was not losing me it was losing the kids.

You can always try an intervention as well.

All I know is your M is not going to get better until she is sober. So if you have to go to a judge then do it.

Hurtingless.....Did you realy want a D at the time? Did your attorney give you the info about the 4 days visitation? In my state (Southern) we are still pretty old-fashioned. Things the offending spouse does still matter in these matters.

AA, NA, rehab.....she's gone, same old, same old. Things just never change.....

HT,

Yes I did. It was New Years day. She went on a venomous rampage on New Years eve because she was drunk. This time she did it to my OS instead of me. I would not tolerate that. He did not want her to stay up with us because she was drunk. She declared that if nobody wanted her here she was going to move back to NY by herself. My OS was devesatated.

The four days is a little different for me. It was a fact from an attorney but there were other mitigating circumstances as well.

She had committed domestic abuse as well and the children were affected by her A.

The A by itself doesn't matter but "if the children are harmed by the A in a direct way" it will come into play.

FWW had a fistfight with my aunt because my aunt told her she wasn't watching the kids while she went out with OM. Because it was a result of the A it can be used because it harmed them.

So with all of that I could get custody. I still could. The domestic violence will be held for 5 years I believe.

They are all weighed when it comes to custody.

Again HT they will only change when she hits rock bottom. It may be being out on the street.

Just to let you know my dad never hit rock bottom. He died from serosis(sp) of the liver.

He was checked into a hospital and they told him he was going to die. He ended up living but they told him his liver would fail if he started again. Guess what he started again about 5 years later. Six months later he was gone.

Well, if you aren't willing to ever back up your "boundaries" at all, they are a JOKE. If she has no means to support herself, then set her up in apartment and give her the want ads. Or put her on a Grayhound bus to her mama. Unless she is mentally retarded, she will figure it out.

If you aren't going to ever back up your talk with action, there is really no point in setting boundaries. An alcoholic only responds to CONSEQUENCES and if you continue to protect her from the consequences of her actions, you have volunteered for this. You are no victim, but an ENABLER.


Why not?