I am new to these boards and have a question about negotiating in marriage.

My husband wants to know "what's in it for him" (always referring to something sexual) for doing things in our life.

Some examples:

Our son and I wanted his little league baseball team changed (for several reasons) and my husband didn't want to switch because he didn't like the dads on the team. He wanted to know what I was willing to do to make sure he was happy before every game and didn't have to have bad feelings about going to the games.

Our financial situation has become a nightmare from deals gone bad and when he went to negotiate one of them tonight he asked me what I was willing to do because he had to go and do the negotiating.

At one point in the past, he told me he was going to ask for something "really out there" that I would probably hate just to see what would happen.

We have been struggling for the past three years, there have been years of verbal abuse from him and when I finally decided to do something about it, instead of getting help for us, I just got mad at him. Counseling has not worked unless they were totally focused on me to "fix me" so I will "get it". As soon as the focus shifts to him, he's done with counseling.

He seems to fit the profile of borderline personality disorder and when I talk to him about it he agree's that he has some of the issue's associated with it and that's why I should just be a more understanding wife, so he wouldn't have to go into borderline behaviors! (Pretty sure that is NOT how it works).

When he was leaving to go negotiate this deal tonight, I was thinking about how we could have a romantic celebration when he returned (if he goes a few days acting normally I start thinking we can make this work again). Then he called me to ask what I was willing to do for him because he was going to do something he didn't like for the family. That just blew the mood for me completely. I felt like instead of a chance for an intimate moment of celebration, I'm stressed about what I am going to have to do now. This just doesn't seem like what Dr. Harley means when he says to negotiate. Plus this doesn't feel like negotiation, it feels like manipulation.

Am I crazy to feel like this?

Thanks for your comments.

No, you’re not crazy. That is about the opposite of what Dr. Harley means.

POJA means neither of you do anything the other isn’t enthusiastic about. It doesn’t mean trading favors unless the favors are greeted with enthusiasm. So, maybe you don’t get to change little league teams, but he doesn’t get to demand sex either.

Do you really “have” to do these things? That sounds more like sexual abuse than like sexual fulfillment. Can you give me a better picture of what the verbal abuse was like? People use that term to cover a very large spectrum of behavior.

Did one of the counselors suggest BDP was a possible diagnosis?

If he really is BDP or has a personality disorder, the situation will never be great. It may get better if/when your H gets intensive, ongoing therapy, but it will never be good.

Try posting this on Emotinal Needs. That gets all kinds of questions.

Thanks for the reply.

Here are some examples of the verbal abuse:

Yelling and throwing a fit everytime he can't find the tv remote and accusing me and the kids of disrespecting him because of it

Telling me I suck as a wife and mother

Being very sarcastic when he's talking to me, saying things like "Well I guess I am the only one around here who cares about..." or "...if that's the best you can do then I guess I just have to accept it."

Telling me I don't get it and don't have the skills to be a good wife, it's just not something I am good at.

Scolding me in front of other people when I don't do something the way he wants it done.

Calling my attempts at romantic encounters "lame" and saying I should be embarassed by them.

Much of the things he does and says aren't as loud anymore but instead he says he's just trying to tell me how he feels. I've asked him to stop starting sentences out with "This will sound like a criticism but..." but he says that unless I can come up with some way to tell him sugar coat it, he will continue to say it.

He's done some scary stuff too, shaved his head in the middle of the night once and got into bed next to me, about gave me a heart attack. Put his fist through the windshield while driving us somewhere because he didn't like something I said.

And he blames it all on me. Says he knows what he is doing is wrong and there is no excuse for it, but that it is reasonable when you consider he is a man who's needs aren't being met. Trouble is whenever I try to meet his needs, he can't handle it so he sabotages it and then tells me I didn't do it right.

Two counselors have brought up BPD. He is not willing to go to counseling on his own to deal with this however, like I said above, his answer is that if I would just be a more understanding wife, his BPD behaviors wouldn't come out.

What's interesting is as I am writing this I am thinking "Are you crazy women? Who puts up with this? It is just so much more complicated when you have children (a girl going into puberty and a boy with ADD) who love their dad, even though he goes off on them too once in awhile. Also, I have a kidney disease that is getting progressively worse and I will need a transplant in a few years. As bad as this is, I don't know if I have the physical and mental strength to get myself and these kids through a divorce.

I guess when I look at this, the negotiating for sex is the least of my problems!!

Thanks for your response.

Hugs. I went through this too....my husband acted very much the same as yours. I finally had enough and managed to move myself and 3 young children out of the house... I really hoped he'd "see the light" and get help; but instead he got worse and I learned things about him that made me know I could never be married to him again. However, time heals and I must say I'm glad I made the decision to leave, hard as it was. I'm not telling you to do the same, but I highly recomment you call a domestic abuse hotline and talk to them....that was a turning point for me; when I was able to share and talk with someone who believed me and understood.