The nicer I am to the WS, the (better / worse) they become.

Which one have you experienced?

L.

The nicer I am to the WS, the (better or worse) they become. single choice
	better
	worse
Votes accepted starting: 07/13/06 10:00 PM
View Results

I feel that the nicer I was to my xh, when we were still trying to "reconcile"...aka false recovery...he got only worse. totally worse.

Peach,

Thanks for your response. I see 3 have voted. Would like to hear both sides to help us all to be smarter with our interactions with the WS.

L.

BOTH

Depending on the day.

I got a bunch of

"I hate you, don't leave me"

"I not sure I love you...leave me alone, lets watch a movie"

"Don't be needy, I need you"

"I can't imagine my life without you, but I can't imagine ending it with OM"

"You're too controlling, but I'm too busy/confused/upset to do anything right now...you handle it all...I don't care"

etc., etc., etc....

no trying to make sense of a WS.

A good bit of my relationship with my H had been my being mean to him and trying to make him do this and that and correcting him. So I think he perceieved me as a not so nice person. To a degree he was right. I wasn't very happy on a personal level. However I've learned to deal with a lot of my own demons that influenced me to be this way and am still dealing with them.

Anywho, about my H, it seems that when I talk to him nicely and have fun with him that he acts differently, more considerate, kind and what have you.

I have been unable to nail down a predictable anything from my WH. I think he likes it better when I am not being nice. Then we can just fight and he can feel justified. But we haven't had any harsh words since December. When I am being chummy and nice, that is when he refuses to communicate with me.

It's not about what the WS likes, it is how the BS feels they are being treated by the WS.

L.

Orchid-

I voted "better" because the nicer I am to my WH, the more he thinks what he's doing is fine and dandy.

When I cut him off, the heat is on, he misses me and ends up crying and telling me how sorry he is, etc.

My daughter called him crying last night and told him "I don't want you and Mommy to get a divorce" (unbeknownst to me).......she came into my room crying, I said what's wrong, and she told me what she'd said, and he said "honey it's not working out for us right now, we need some time apart."

(still not in Plan B yet) I called him and said "What did you say to her?" He said "Did YOU tell her we're getting divorced?" I said "It's possible that she overheard me talking to an attorney......" He said "Don't you think that's something we should have told her together?" I said "I don't particularly want a divorce, but I have to go, I have plans" He said "Okay.......I love you".


AARrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

God Bless,

-Caren

Point taken, but for me, I look at it like choosing a restaurant. If I know the food stinks, I won't go. If the food is usually good, I'll go. When the food quality changes constantly and there is no pattern (like being able to see which cook is working), I get frustrated.

If the question was when is WH more pleasant to me, the only time that WH has actually been nice to me in the past year, is when he asked me to smooth things over with someone because his A was causing one of his customers to get aggravated with him.

I voted worse since overall this has been my experience...seemed like the kinder and cocnsiderate I was the more it annoyed and guilted him and made him pick fights to try and make me ugly or keep me away (didn't work!).

Lately, H verbally stating he was "trying"; really a new strategy that upsets me more and makes me feel worse...he is more verbally affectionate, considerate and spending more time with family etc, but he is/was continuing to spend time, attn, $ on OPs as well thinking I am not aware...thinks he is stealth...cut off more of my access to intel, went further underground.

Some definite passive aggressive remarks to try to get me brewing...I have my teflon suit on so...

Why would one be nice to a WS?

be objectional

Max

When I was "nice" the WS was worse to me -- lots of anger, maybe out of guilt? or just feeling trapped as in the Love Must Be Tough scenario? I'm not sure. I think it did appear as if I was willing to take the abuse & the A, so being too nice diminished his respect for me.

When I was pleasant but neutral, then he seemed confused. It helped avoid arguments and take away reasons he could use to be angry with me and justify his actions. It also helped with his respect for me, because I was not clinging to him or angry. When he asked me if I was happy, I would say no, but I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances you've forced us into. (That was a SHarley recommendation and his reasons were that you don't want to seem too happy or the WS will feel better about what he/she is doing, and yet you don't want to be clinging which makes them want to esacape, or angry which gives them more reasons for their WS actions.)

nicer but neutral...good.

when I was like that...things were fine...because I wasn't REQUIRING HIM TO MEET MY EN'S AND I WASN'T APPLYING THE STICK OF PLAN A EITHER. so he was happy in that little limbo.

when it would work...when he'd actually seem to care? When I was cool and indifferent to him. SERIOUSLY.

For those participating in the poll, remember this is the BS' POV of how the WS is treating them based on how the BS is acting and reacting on interactions with the WS.

L.

My wife definitely seems to withdraw more and show more of her mean side as I do nice things for her. At one point I asked her why she was being so mean, and she said she didn't want to give me false hope that we would reconcile.

One thing is perfectly clear; she doesn't want our relationship to work out.

Maybe I need to clarify:

Being Nice: Giving the WS what they demand.... $$, time/ unlimited communication, keep the WS informed of all our actions, absorb abuse, give into the manipulation, etc.

The opposite isn't being mean but being firm: Setting boundaries, no $$, little or no time/communication, going silent with our whereabouts, do not absorb the abuse (words, deeds of the Ws, etc.) and do not give into the manipulations..... use reverse babble, etc.

Remember this is just about how the WS reacts when you are dealin with the WS' character not your real spouse's character.

L.

Geez L, you're still coming up with the good stuff! I had to think becuase it's been 5 or 6 years..or 7? I can't really remember. When I was nice <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> he was meaner. It was an invite to walk all over me.

Then I got smart. When I firm, I scared the sh*t outta him! LOL. It's funny to think way back then what happened.

Miss ya lady. Give lots of hugs and love to the family!