A couple of weeks ago, on my thread about P/A, someone asked me whether I was in Plan B or Plan D. Definitely Plan B, I said, but it got me thinking, because I've been having severe ambivalence for a while now. Well, I'm here to say the ambivalence is finally gone, and I am hammering the final nail in the coffin of our marriage. No more waiting. I'll remain incommunicado with this alien that took over the body of the man who used to be my beloved H, and I won't look back.

It's been a horrific one-and-a-half hours. But I'm grateful for them because they've given me the impetus I needed to end this.

One-and-a-half hours ago I got a phone call from an ex-employee of STBXH's. She is an absolutely lovely person. She suffered horrendous sexual abuse from when she was a very young child, and had ended up agoraphobic. Little by little she came out of her shell and came to work at our business, where she proved to be truly spectacular. She left STBXH's work about a year ago, and I hadn't seen her since. Well, she rings and identifies herself, and says, "I'm ringing you to tell you something that is going to come as a horrible shock. It is bad news." She asked me to sit down. Then she said, "Do you know why I left the business?" I told her that STBXH had said she was under extreme stress, and she had found another job. She said, "While I worked with him, I learned some really good things. But also some really bad things. I discovered that STBXH is a liar, and a manipulator" and well, then she told me that the "extreme stress" was STBXH, and the fact that while he was still living here, with me and our children, he had pursued her 25 y.o. daughter. He rang her ad nauseam, sent her cards and letters, "promised her the world", wanted to "set her up so he could go from your bed to hers", and stalked her. The girl refused him, and burned the cards and letters. She even went to the police about it, who told her they could most definitely pursue him, but forwarned her that it would be her word against the rock-solid family name. She said to me that her *other* daughter felt extremely uncomfortable in his presence, too. When she quit, she said to STBXH, "Close the business down. It's clear you don't care about the people in this town. You only care about your sexual desires." She said to me, "This is horrible, and I feel just terrible doing this to you, but I heard that STBXH plans on getting nasty with the divorce, and I rang up to tell you that my daughter is willing to testify to what he did if it helps you with the divorce and separation of assets."

It was a really emotional conversation. She was trembling. I thanked her. She said, "How can you thank me for telling you something that you didn't have to know? Something so horrible?" I explained to her how this lifted a great weight off me, even though the tears were flowing freely by this stage. Thanked her for her courage, and her daughter's integrity. She told me that STBXH turned up at her daughter's work the other day and effectively freaked her out. I told her to do what she must do to protect her daughter, and if she feels they need to put out a restraining order against him, to do so and not worry about me or the children. I said, "To me, honour is more than a name, and if he chooses to behave in a dishonourable way, he can suffer the consequences. You have to protect your daughter, and if you pursue him, don't worry, I'll protect my children from the fallout."

So there you go. I could have vomited for an hour solid. I didn't. I rang my sister and she was sick. She rang my niece and told her. My niece said, "Don't tell me any more! Don't tell me any more!" and hung up. My sister is working in the floor above my niece this week, so she ran down to see that she was OK, and found her in the foyer crying, sobbing her eyes out. My sister said, "Don't you want to go somewhere more private?" And my niece said, "I don't care! I don't care!"

My niece, and nephew, adored STBXH. He was the uncle of their heart; they're known him since they were three and four y.o., and they were our "practice children" before we had any. She's grieving. My sister is grieving. D18, whom I gave a VERY limited explanation to, is grieving. So am I. The person I loved, is in effect, dead. There is no resurrection to be had. There may be resurrection of the person, but not of the marriage, or of any feeling on my part.

See... there's the unfaithfulness while he still lived with me. Not just that, but *serial* unfaithfulness. But what is even worse, what really makes me want to vomit the poison I have been injected with, is that he is that lowest, most disgusting of people: A PREDATOR. He picked a girl from a vulnerable family. Her mother saw work as a sanctuary, and he used this and abused it. He inveigled himself into that family and set himself up as the good guy, doing endless good turns for them, including paying for them all to go fly up to another state to see a production of The Lion King that their autistic son was desperate to go to. He is vile. I can have no part of this person in my life.

I managed to get my head together just enough to think about how I could use this. Or more likely, it was Spirit's prompting. We have a no-fault divorce here, but I rang up the atty and asked if I could use this as leverage for getting custody of S16. At this age, the judge will take his wishes into account, but if there's reason why he shouldn't be there, he will be put with me. I think a man with stalking tendencies is no fit father, and the solicitor agrees. The employee's daughter will be signing an affidavit about this, and I'll be using it.

Thank you all SO much for your help and support through this. I will undoubtedly still hang around here, but as you can imagine, going into Plan D means a whole different focus to my life, and won't be able to offer anything about what "works" to save a M. I CAN however, tell you this:

PLAN B SAVES LIVES!

It saved mine. It has strengthened me beyond belief, given me myself and my respect back, and has given me a rock-solid foundation to build on from this point.

RT,

It is evident the WS has serious issues.

I am sorry you and your family along with the other families have to suffer so.

You are now thinking with that clear mind and calm heart though it may not feel that way. Yet it will guide you to take the safety precautions you and your family needs.

Maybe that will make the WS go get real help.

take care,
L.

Oh RiverTam, I am so sorry. I'm sitting here now and I can actually feel the (insert word) that you're feeling.

I had a similar revelation from a friend about what my WH was doing and I couldn't believe that he could sink so low.

Be strong and do what you know is right. I'll be thinking about you. Your decisiion gives me courage.

God bless.

Please do not confront your husband about this - he's already terrorized this girl - let him find out at the divorce hearing.

Does your bishop know about all this?

Thank you all, I really appreciate it.

Kayla, the bishop doesn't know, I've only just found out a few hours ago myself. It's late here and I'll wait until tomorrow to do it. I wouldn't mention it to STBXH in a pink fit. I'm serious about remaining in NC and if I'm going to use this as any kind of leverage I need to keep it under my hat. Naturally, I'm also concerned about the girl and won't do anything to put her in any kind of nasty sitch (the good news is thats she is a LOT stronger than what she was a year ago, according to her mom).

I'm worried that his attorney might have time to do damage control if he finds out - are your niece and nephew going to Plan B him as well?

Hi RT,

I am sorry....I can only imagine how painful this new 'truth' must be on you....

I know for a time you had given your WS the benefit of the doubt.... but I do believe with this new 'truth'...... your choices have been made much more clearer for you......and so, more determined.....

I agree.....PLAN B...gives a BS the strength and courage to make the decisions needed to be made.....however painful....

I will be thinking of you.....

and know that you will be OK!

Thanks, Lunamare. Yes - I will be OK! It's just... BOY I've had some shocks and penny dropping moments this month! It's been emotionally exhausting. I don't know what it is; maybe it's like death throes or something.

Thanks again Kayla. Consider me forewarned, but I don't know what kind of damage control he could effect. Even if he tried, this girl's got witnesses to the stalking and the affidavit will be signed by Monday. HOnestly though? Because this family is vulnerable, and because the ex employee only came out of her shell when she was working for us, I don't think it will even cross his mind that she would contact me. I mean - to give you an idea, she was just shaking when she rang, so obviously it was a huge leap. STBXH would have been relying on her acting on the fear, I think, rather than feeling the fear and doing it anyway. And he's got away with so much and has managed to pull the wool over so many people's eyes that he must be feeling impervious. The arrogance of him knows no bounds at the moment.

My niece and nephew aren't Plan Bing him, but my niece, sister and BIL haven't been in touch with him for 7-8 months. My nephew is in touch, but he is VERY neutral. He isn't in touch much, but he's getting married in a couple of weeks and has kept STBXH in the loop.

I think Kayla is right - a good attorney will come up with something if they know they need to. Keep it as quiet as you can for now.

So sorry for the added stress. I know you didn't need it.

More prayers for you.

SS

A very painful truth indeed ....

better a painful truth now than to live an ugly lie for years and years

in a very strange twisted way
this awful & shocking news
will set you free

because

those heart strings have been completely severed
in one fell swoop

no more lingering doubts remain

just cold hard facts

and you can deal with those cold hard facts much more readily than you can with nebulous "what if 's ????"

this bad news has a purpose

Pep

.... and one purpose just might be ....

it has been GOOD for the other family to release this shameful secret .... they will likely heal more completely with this exposure !!!

Pep

Yep. This information is a gift.

GC

Thanks so much SS, Gray, and Pep. Pep, what you have written is EXACTLY it for me. No more doubts. Clean slate. Matter of fact, last night when I prayed, I said to my Father, "Listen, I KNOW you could bring him back, but I'm withdrawing the request!" Well, I didn't use those words exactly, but that was the essence of them. I would rather utilize whatever faith I have for other ends. I will continue to pray for STBXH's repentance, and I will continue to pray and hope that he wakes up from his terrible fog, but only for his sake, and that of his children. Also, I think the world would greatly benefit if the real man were to return.

Pep, you are also right about this poor family. You know, what STBXH did to this family sent this dear woman into counselling. All through our convo she kept saying, "I thought we were safe... I thought we were safe... work was my sanctuary..." These are evil actions he did. Evil.

River,

I am so sorry to read this.

My husband effectively lived a double life for most of our marriage. It was terrible to find out, but also liberating and empowering.

Keeping you in the dark about who he really is gives him an unmatched power and control over you. Far better for you to know what you are dealing with and be warned and armed.

Tru

Thanks, Tru, and thank you for this:


You are SO right! Right now I feel like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, at the end where Toto pulls back the curtain to reveal that the great and powerful Oz is nothing but a con man. "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!" Well, I can see him now. I'm not quaking in my boots any more. Thanks to Plan B, and this hopefully final revelation, I am taking my power back. The only power I will yield to now is the one of He who knows and loves me best.

RT,

I am glad and proud that this latest round of bad news didn't knock you off balance. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Very proud of u! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

The road ahead will still be hard but your firm resolve shows your mind and heart are in sync and you will need that clear mind and calm heart a lot now.

Sorry your Ws has turned out to be has he is.....very sad to hear this. May all individuals and families involved take the necessary steps to protect themselves and may he get the help he needs to correct his ways.

take care,
L.

RiverTam,

I haven't posted to you much, but I've kept tabs on your story.

I'm so sorry to hear the latest news. This is terrible, and you don't deserve any of this. You are very strong and you will get through this. I am glad you know the truth so that you can make good decisions and start moving towards a life you deserve -- one that is filled with love, happiness, peace, truth and joy.

N

Thank you both so much.

I feel fine. Kinda worries me because I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop!