My H of 31 years is having an A with a W 20 yrs younger who is a friend (??) to both of us. This has been going on for about 11 months although I just found out for sure last week. She is separated from her H (who is also our friend). My H is the pastor of a church (which they attend). Under the guise of "counseling" her, he has now slid all the way into the A. I have discovered graphic, torrid emails from her to him (all are sexual). From her references in the emails, he is talking of their future together and tells her he loves her.

The OW has had 2 A's since we have known her because her H is demanding and abusinve physically and emotionally.

H and I have had problems before (my weight, and lately my "misspending" our money). Our income fluctuates and I haven't gambled or done anything reckless, just ran up a lot of credit card debt for living expenses and H is livid.

Up till 11 months ago, he was sending me emails and ecards and personally telling me that I was the love of his life, that he couldn't ask for a better wife, etc. He has had problems with ED and our sex life which had always been great had gotten pretty awful. He began taking Cialis last summer and from her emails, it must be working.

I accept that a lot of this is my fault because I have been afraid to share the financial situation with him even when he has asked and threatened and I haven't worked very hard at losing the weight. I am a very pretty woman (he said I was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen when I was younger). I make my face and do my hair, try to wear pretty clothers, but I am still 50 lbs overweight. I finally gave him a full accounting of our finances a few days ago and he was fairly calm because he knows he needs my income to work through all this (and be "free").

He would like to believe I am totally at blame, but he is somewhat self-centered and I have catered to him all our married life. I have always done what I thought would make things easier for him.

My H began to withdraw from me emotionally except on a very limited basis as soon as he began counseling her last summer. No hand-holding, no kissing, no sex for 7 months, no fun times together. He told me flatly he didn't want me calling him honey or baby or any of our personal names for each other and he doesn't call me those either unless it slips out occasionally and always accidentally. Yesterday he said, "We just can't talk." Like it's all my fault. We were discussing his brother who is semi-invalid and lives with us. He purposely misunderstands almost everything I say.

I don't know how to make deposits in his love bank because he is so opposed to just about all I do. I have tried very hard to be on the lookout for LBs and avoid them!

I do think he loves me, but he is just fed up with our life and with me especially. I don't think I can overcome this situation because our church is small and the exposure would tear it apart.

It has helped me tremendously just to be able to read this website. Thanks for any comments.

Welcome to marriagebuilders! It is a great place to be under the circumstances.

The affair will never last, so I would work on Plan A. That is showing your husband what an excellent wife you can be.

Also get busy doing things for yourself. Start walking, exercising, join a weight loss group, so you will feel better about yourself.

How much debt are we talking about?

I won't comment on your husband except to say that he is taking advantage of a position of trust.

I take it then that you haven't exposed the A yet?

What does your church teach about adultery?

No matter what it is that you've said or done, you are only responsible for 50% of the M. He's responsible for the other 50%. But he's responsible for 100% of the A. He also appears to be taking advantage of his position of pastor.

Eastablishing "no contact" between himself and the OW should be one of your immediate priorities. Have you told him and/or the OW that you know what was going on?

Thanks for your reply.

I haven't confronted them... I see her every day. She is a family friend and she helps in many ways in church, so she is by our house many times a day. When she isn't here at night, he is gone.

I am trying to decide what I ultimately am going to do.

He is a very great man...kind, charismatic, caring... every person in our church say he is the best pastor they have ever had or known about. He genuinely cares about people (I truly believe that is what got this started in the first place).

He and I were trying to build up her self-esteem and self-confidence. She has been my friend for many years. I have counseled her through all the terrible times in her marriage. She is so involved in much of the administration of the church that demanding that he not see her again will not work. Right now, I don't know what will work but I am praying and it is helping a lot to read this website and the posts.

I opened my home to her and my family without ever thinking that she would do this. (I am NOT absolving him!) I really feel betrayed big time by both of them.

I have a very good career and can pay my own way without him, but I really do love him (isn't that bizarre?)...and don't really want to end our marriage.

Even now, he is planning our future with me, talking about what we need to do, but told me the other day that he can't even begin to think about his relationship with me until our finances are worked out as well as some of the other issues we are facing that are not relational but rather situational.

I suggest that you get your evidence together and talk with your H immediately about it. Start with your H alone, and depending on how that turns out, you both talk to the OW. Cut short any attempts by him to convince you otherwise - you KNOW that there was an A, and any attempt by him to explain his way out of it is going to further devalue him in your eyes.

Thank you, MiM. I will keep you posted.