One question about meeting her needs in plan A. My wife always liked it when I gave her cards and letters. I never was very good at doing it, and she says that she doesn't need that anymore. Of course she says she doesn't need anything from me anymore. Would it be a good idea to start giving her cards again? If I don't get soppy love cards, but more supportive friend cards, would it help my cause or am I just barking up the wrong tree. Something to ask you guys before I waste my time.

I tried to call his mom, and his XW this morning. Phone line is down on the X, and mom just gets answering machine. Don't want to leave a message in case I have the wrong person, and I think it best to speak to her not leave a message. I may try tonight, but I will be at work, and am not sure if that is wise.

Made an appt with lawyer for thursday. Don't want to talk to him, but thought making the appt will tie him up if she calls him. Might go, just to ask some questions. I will not file for divorce, or even separation, unless I go to PlanB and by then, I will have read the book, and will have a better idea what I am doing.

Yes, send cards - in moderation.

"Thinking about you."

Just don't say what you're thinking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

The key is moderation. Nothing sappy.

Talk to the lawyer about a separation agreement TO PREPARE FOR Plan B. Get it going. Then when a physical separation takes place - she moves out - you can spring Plan B immediately as soon as she signs the agreement. DO NOT tell her you're making this preparation.

WAT

She already moved out last December. She started the affair in March.

In the last month she mentioned an email she recieved from the OM's ex girl friend. I have managed to get a copy of it, and I am now very concerned for my wifes personal safety. I know that it is an exGF, and she may just be jealous, but she alleges domestic violence, and child abuse. Plus, she says he is still married. My wife told me that when she got the letter, she confronted the guy about it, but he explained everything to her satisfaction. Now how in the world could he do that? This fog is thicker than I imagined. I just now read this letter, and I know that I am emotional, but this has me very worried.

I emailed the girlfriend, asking her to contact me. I hope she does. Perhaps talking with her will tell me if she is just a nut job, or if her allegations are correct. Also, if she just wants to break them up, I may have an ally. you know, the enemy of my enemy is my friend kind of thing.

Again, I know that at this moment I am emotional. I want so bad to confront this man right now at this moment, but I will not do that. Can't protect my family from behind bars.

Guess I'll call the PI again tomorrow, and have him look into the charges that she claims were filed. This guy HAS to be hiding something, and I must find it.

My wife told me the other day that I am obsessed. I think I am. But I don't think it is bad to be obsessed about saving your marriage, and maybe your wife's life.

hope that book comes tomorrow.

Q

Q - my apologies for not keeping your story straight re: separation.

Hard to keep these stories straight - they're all so similar. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

So, help me get it straighter - exactly what kind of separation agreement to you have?

What does this mean? Are you saying you've already retained an attorney and SHE USES THE SAME ONE??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Please lay it all out for my old, slow brain.

Exactly why did she move out? Are you sure she wasn't in an affair earlier?

WAT

The attourney I am contacting is the best one around. If I don't use him, she probably will. He goes for the throat.

We have no agreement. She moved out because she was unhappy. Actually it is because we never recovered from her first round of affairs nine years ago. I sank into alchoholism, and anger. I drove her away with my outbursts, and she shut me out. I had a change of heart last fall, and started treating her like I loved her, and she just bolted. She was in despair, and I could not talk her into staying. I don't know if she had any relationships or not at the time, but I know there was a man she talked to that she says gave her the courage to leave me. So I know that if they weren't yet in an affair, she wanted to go there most likely. She was very upset when he got a girlfriend and stopped talking to her.

She never dealt with it the first time, and now she is repeating and repeating the bad behavior. I feel very responsible for her state, but not for her actions.

She resisted my attempts to try and work things out saying she didn't know how to deal with her problems. Then this OM came along and paid attention to her, and away it went.

I think anyone would do as long as they are not ME. That is what has been driving her. She really resents me, and I deserve alot of the resentment. I just didn't know what I was doing, and I was in my own h**l at the time. It may be too late for us, but I hope not.
q