Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum, though not new to MB. I have been separated for 14 months, and my D will be final in a few weeks. It's early days, and before I write anything else I must emphatically point out that I have NOT been looking for another relationship. But this is what's happened: I have had a close online friend (and yes - he has JUST been a friend, he's been very much in love with his spouse as I have been with mine) for six years. He's been separated now for 20 months and his D will be final soon too. Thing is, even though we've always been close, and have had almost daily communication for six years, we're just getting closer and closer. I have always found him a beautiful *person*, and now that we both find ourselves in the same situation, I'm beginning to wonder "What if?"

I KNOW it's early and I won't leap into anything. And I think too highly of him to make him my self-medication (but this is beside the point because I don't really feel the need for self-medication). My concern here is the validity of the online relationship. You know, people claim to fall in love online all the time, and such a large percentage of the time it's a dismal failure, because it's not a relationship based on reality. So what do you all think? Are all online relationships equal? Or does the fact that we have a six-year friendship under our belt (with common friends - so I know people who can vouch for him!) count for anything?

Have you actually met him, face to face? Or has all you contact been online, telephone, etc?

No, not yet. But I will soon. We're planning on meeting up and making the friendship concrete in a couple of months when the D stuff is well blown over.

what is the harm in trying? i don't think all internet things are failures at all. depends on who you are and what you are looking for. i am not a fan of dating sites, but doesn't sound like you met that way. keep talking, take it slow, and see what happens. i see nothing wrong with it. mlhb

LOL! No, not a dating site for six years! (Otherwise I'd have a lot of chutzpah showing up at MB! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />) Talking and taking it slow sounds good. I guess I'm just looking for reassurance and info. Not just because it's a bit scary contemplating another relationship after 20 years, but because my friend is a top-notch person. I'd hate to ruin the friendship.

well, i am getting to know someone i met on this mb board so... we have been talking via computer and phone, etc, for going on 4 months now. just taking it slowly and really being friends, etc... we are meeting at the end of next month, and i cannot wait! so, as i said, go for it! mlhb

It is way too soon to be contemplating another relationship. You are not even divorced yet, and after a twenty year marriage, you should wait at least several years before dating.

Well Nellie, this is of course my other concern. I agree, really (although I don't know how many years constitutes "several"). I guess I'm looking to the future and wondering.

Other thing I'm wondering is, even though the Harleys advice waiting a year per five years married, is this a rule of thumb, or a blanket rule? Is there room for the individual's circumstance and emotional/mental state? Some people feel "ready" to get out there. Still others don't consider themselves "ready" and love comes along anyway and the relationship is a great success. I know several people this has happened to. Speaking for myself, even though I'm not looking to get involved yet, I feel like I've been in emotional and spiritual boot camp for over a year and feel fortified and together. No bitterness. No regrets. Certainly no feelings of love for my STBX. And even though STBX undoubtedly hurt me, it hasn't destroyed my fundamental trust in other human beings. I don't want to get married any time soon because I married young, and before I consider a serious relationship I want to continue working on myself so that what I bring to the relationship table, so to speak, is up to scratch. I don't know how any of this fits into the MB context, but in my heart I feel that these things stand for *something*.

Once again, Nellie and I don't agree.

I do agree that dating before your divorce is final can be incredibly risky.

However, I don't see why you must wait several years to casually date -- as long as your objective is to go out and find the next Mr. Wrong...

You've been separated from your husband for over a year, your friend has been separated almost two years. That has given you both some "emotional divorce" time.

I think guidelines are just that -- guidelines. No one heals at exactly the same pace. Nellie may never feel comfortable moving on, you may feel ready this year... I guess that what we have to do is check our hearts -- are we "looking for someone" because we can't bear to be alone? Or because it truly is THEIR company that we enjoy. Only you can answer for your own situation.

I worry a bit that you have both been corresponding for six years through the ends of your marriages -- there may be some baggage there, but you would know better than I.

Oh, no way would I begin dating before the D is final! It's just not going to happen. We really are JUST friends at this stage.

I've spoken to my shrink about this and she's not worried about me going out and finding Mr. Wrong. She says I have a very strong sense of self and am fully aware of what I'm deserving of. I'm not afraid of being alone (I like my own company and manage to never be bored! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />). I'm not lonely, and my life is full. But THIS person is really special to me. It is him - who he is, what he brings to my life - that I treasure. Matter of fact, if, a while from now, God set up a lineup of perfect men for me to choose from, I'd pick my friend. I really would.

i agree with bellemere 100%

mlhb

My shrink said I was ready to date soon after my divorce, as well and I certainly felt emotionally stable enough to do so.

I chose to meet a man that I had been speaking to over the internet. Next Sunday, we're celebrating our first wedding anniversary. I couldn't be happier.....

Sometimes the "rules" and advice isn't 100% valid. You have to go by your own gut feeling.

The trouble with dating casually is that "casual" can change rather quickly to serious, whether you are planning it or not.

I am not at all sure I would take the advice of a psychiatrist on this matter - there are plenty of them who have made the same mistake.

Going with their "gut feeling" is what got almost all of the WS's into the affairs in the first place.

[color:"blue"]Pure [/color]
I want to give you a little different school of thought here...
You said:
You have been chatting (I suppose through IM and/or email) with a member of the opposite sex for six years, during which time you were both married. By your own admission, you were “close”. Did your H know that you were chatting with another guy? Did his wife know he was chatting with another woman? Did you also meet online, and if so, under what circumstances?

What I’m getting at is this: If you start a "real life" relationship with this guy, and he was interacting online with other women, would that bother YOU? Emotional attachments through online friendships can be MUCH stronger than those in “real life”. This is, as I’m sure you realize, because our imaginations can really get carried away with the "what if's". So my advice has less to do with the validity of online relationships (obviously some work and others don’t) but the nature of your relationship to start with - which could indicate possible problems in the future.

It's just my own personal preference, but I don't try to develop relationships with women on line. I will communicate with women I've already met IRL, but I just can't make the whole online relationship thing work in head...or my heart.

I need to see someone...how they speak...how they carry themselves...etc, etc

None of that comes across online. It's almost like blind dating.

I'm not knocking it for some it's worked well...just not me.

I thought this would crop up eventually. OK - this wasn't IM, but a public forum and e-mails (not from web-based addresses, but real home ones), both of which were open for anyone to see. Yes, both our spouses knew, and neither ever felt threatened. There was no reason. It was a friendship, and an innocent one at that, despite the "closeness". I'm not sure about the "did you also meet online" question: who do you mean? His wife? If so, I never met her online, but I did speak to her on the phone a couple of times.


If it was something like we've had for most of this time, then no, it wouldn't bother me. Like I say, it's been innocent, and when I say the word "close", it's closeness in the context of an Internet relationship. I'm not comparing it to a 3-D relationship. As far as I'm concerned, an Internet relationship has EXTREME limits. I've posted this question because I DON'T believe that an online emotional attachment is stronger; my whole point for posting is that I am questioning the validity of an online relationship. My "What if?" is not harnessed to a runaway imagination; I am tempering the question with a LOT of thought, and it would actually take some sort of leap for me to start thinking of my friend in a romantic way. I know you realize the original point of my question, but given that "the nature of this relationship to start with" has been nothing that anyone (including my own conscience, which is a pretty ferocious entity unto itself) has ever had cause to question, I am back to it.

I hope this clarifies my position somewhat.

Pure,
Hey, if I didn't ask, someone else would have! Yes, you've clarified things much better. I know you realize that it's one thing to "meet online" (i.e., make a friend) in a public forum for dog trainers (or whatever yours was) and a whole other matter to make a friend in yahoo's "married but bored" chatroom. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> The fact that correspondence was your home email addy (which I assume your spouses could have easily read, too) helps. As a general rule of thumb, it's just not good for a married person to have private emails with people of the opposite sex. That's what I was getting at.

Having said that, what is the geographical distance between the two of you?

LOL! Yes, I may have come across as defensive, but I didn't take your post personally. I KNEW someone was bound to ask. And let's face it, here at the MB boards, where stories of infidelity and suspect behavior are rife, it's totally understandable. There's a common denominator out there, and I know it's a bit of a stretch after our heartbreak to remember that there are people who are different.


Pretty darned huge. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I don't think that all online relationships are equal any more than all offline relationships are equal. Indeed, one of the ways we get into trouble, I believe, is by trying to put relationships in boxes. When we do this, it not only limits our perspective, but it also leaves us vulnerable to being blind-sided by intentions or expectations which are more about the box than the person.

Sometimes Mr./Ms. Right may be right under our nose, but stuck in the "friend" box so that we'll never notice. Meanwhile, however casual our conscious intentions may be, we might become serious unexpectedly quickly about someone in the "dating" box, simply because we are culturally conditioned to believe that this is what that box is for (and of course because dating rituals are designed to over-emphasize the most attractive points of intersection in our lives).

Online relationships and casual dating relationships have something pretty dangerous in common: they both present a picture which tends to leave out a lot of very important information about suitability for life partnership - not (necessarily) because of deliberate deception, but simply because the very nature of the interactions in such relationships are distorting. That leaves us with a lot of leeway to fill in the gaps in our "knowledge" concerning a person with fantasies about what we hope might be there - or worse, about what we unconsciously assume to be there.

It's always wise when contemplating the potential for a relationship to ask oneself "What do I really know about this person - and about myself?" The answers may turn out to be surprising.

GnomeDePlume, you make some excellent points and have given me a LOT to think about. Thank you.

You also have the best online nom de plume ever! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />