Hi.

I hate this because in my heart, I know the answers.

I discovered my wife's affair (11 weeks ago) with her boss by reading some of her emails. I thought something was up for a month or two but had no evidence until I discovered the emails. She had traveled with her boss on three occassions over the course of three months to cities far away from our home in MT. He lives about 1000 miles away and they are both consultants who work primarily over the internet for the same company.

We are in councling but I'm struggling with a few issues that our councler is not saying much about.

Struggle number one: She reluctantly told me she would quit if I demanded it but she would be "lost" and feel "guilty" for sacrificing a large part of our income if I did, and I left it to her. So she is still emailing and talking with the other man almost daily. As a condition, we agreed that she would never discuss any personal issues with him. However, she has admitted to talking with him about me, progress on our building, etc. Clearly personal stuff. In addition, she will be traveling to the same trade shows as this guy in about 6 months. depsite her efforts to comply with my demands, I don't see this working. Should I now demand she quit her job?

Struggle #2: She has told me they performed oral on each other several times but never actual intercourse. I strongly believe she is lying about this for several reasons (new techniques she picked up, comments on the emails I discovered, etc). I've called her on it a couple of times but she persits. I've accepted in my mind and heart she has done it but still feel like she needs to confess this. Does she need to confess this in order for us to move on or can I allow her to bury it?

We have recomitted our lives to each other and God but I'm obviously still struggling with what I percieve as her lack of give a crap about these issues.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Bronco,

You need to read the articles here especially about plan A and plan B. Further, you need to go to NO CONTACT with this man. If money is more important that your marriage, then she should keep this job, otherwise, she should resign NOW.

Please do some real reading and then have a heart to heart with your counselor. You closed by saying
In my opinion there is no reason for you to be struggling with her attitude. Why? She has NOT recommitted to you, and she is still in the affair as long as she is in contact. So don't worry my friend, she is still cheating and the attitude you are getting is very consistent with her continuing her affair.

Is the OM married? Do you know anyone above the OM? You need to expose this affair to OM's W, to his bosses (his company may well have rules against this sort of thing), expose to her family and yours. Exposure tends to bring the light of day to affairs. She will carry on, be angry, yell, whatever, but the affair MUST be exposed if she is continuing it, and it seems she is in fact doing that.

Keep all emails, all correspondence any proof you have of the affair because you will need it during exposure and especially if you deal with OM's W and the company.

Do the reading and face the reality that the affair continues.

God Bless,


JL

Struggle #1: As someone put it to me: it sounds as if you are giving her permission to keep up the affair. Get SAA and read the section about how affairs should end on this site!!!!! Do it now!!!! Demand? No. You can't force her to do anything. Tell her that everyday she continues the affair does damage to reconciling your marriage. She needs to break ALL CONTACT w/ OM for Life. Not hard to do since he is 1000 miles away.

Struggle #2. Not sure.

If she were truly committed to you, she would not continue to email OM. Is she using company email? Maybe his boss should know.

Work on meeting her ENs.

Ask her to quit today. Otherwise your marriage has no hope.

There cam be no recovery unless there is no contact. You both need to be tested for STD's. If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would put up with such crap from you? She continues to work and talk privately with the OM about personal issues. I hate to break it to you but the affair continues. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her continued actions speak volumes. If the OM is married you need to expose this immediately to his wife. Your passive attitude is allowing and enabling the affair at the very least on an emotional level to continue. She still has not told you the truth. Apparently thetr are no consequences to her actions and no boundaries. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

Bronco-Hello, welcome to Marriage Builders, I'm sorry that you are in a position of being here.

I see that you have already been given some great advice. I'm including two links that my be of some service to you:
Spying 101

Exposure 101

Read as much as you can, be true to yourself and work on yourself, eat right, try to get some rest, and post here.

Obviously she hasn't, or she wouldn't be feeling lost, confused, or anything other than remorse, regret, love and gratitude to you for not kicking her to the curb.

Do you have kids? How long have you been married?

She needs to have no contact with this guy EVER again. Not personal, not work, not anything. One of them needs to quit the job. You guys may have a case against him and the company for sexual harassment since he's her boss.

Expose expose expose. Expose to the company. If he's married or has a GF then expose to her. If he goes to church, find out where and expose there. Affairs thrive in secrecy; take that away and they will wither in the sunlight.

OUCH!!! You guys are killing me here!!!

We have an 8 year old daughter who adores her mother.

We've been married 12 years in August. Dated for four years prior.

Her boss (the other man) has a wife and two girls 12 & 14. After doing some reading, I have no problem telling his wife. I already have her number.

Our daughter is going away to visit relative for a month in August. This would be the perfect time for us to make this adjustment. Will it hurt to wait two weeks? Our daughter doesen't know about the affair. She knows we are "working on our marriage".

We've been working on meeting each other's emotional needs and I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels now. I guess now I have some traction to make some progress.

oh yeah, she was an independant contractor before so we have no recourse against the company. And she was a more than willing participant so it's not an option in my moralistic (when convenient) world.

Exposure should be made to his wife. Exposure should also be made to his superiors at work. That is very important to help break up the affair.

I agree with everyone else- she must quit the job. No contact means NO contact.

I would go ahead and do this now and not wait 2 weeks. Prolonging does nothing for anyone.

Sorry you are here, but it is the best place to be under the circumstances.

you guys are cutting me no slack.

Bronco-

We're simply telling you the truth......on how to save your marriage. These things will go against what you feel is right........you can't trust your feelings right now.

We would NEVER lead your wrong.

By the way, Marriage Counseling is a waste of money if she is still in contact with the other man. I would discontinue it and start Individual counseling. Read "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs Her Needs" and then get back to us.

God Bless,

-Caren

Bronco,

Slack is not what you need. What you need is a plan. First step in your new plan is to read about plan A and plan B. You will see that Harley recommends exposure of the affair as soon as possible. Make your plan up and post it here. You won't get universal agreement, but you will get many thoughts and ideas.

First, you need to know that when you expose, your W is going to just blow a gasket: "How could you hurt OM's family like that?" "How could you hurt my/your family like that?" and the ever popular "Well I was going to work on the marriage, but since you have done this I won't and I hate you." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Man, that one has been around for ever.

Time to man up here, you don't get over affairs, you get through them. Make a plan, and then talk with the people here. Oh, and work on the areas you KNOW you have been deficient on as a husband. Time for that to change as well.

Also read the articles about needs and meeting needs. It will give you some insights into what may have been going wrong in your marriage. You failing to meet her needs does NOT justify her affair, but you knowing how you failed and you addressing them gives you ammunition to address her accusations when they come and they will.

God Bless,

JL

Bronc,

Let me paraphrase what someone else said on this board. My situation is far worse than where you are at man.

Paraphrase:

What are you waiting for? She is not solely yours right now. If you think any advice given here may make her angry, well, would you rather have a temporarily angry wife who ends up spending the rest of her life with you OR a wife that treats you like a doormat?