Have a couple of questions:
Husband and I are separated (2 years) and are working toward reconciliation (living together again), and we both have adult children from our first marriages.
His daughter is 32 years old with 2 children of her own. She's not married, but living with the father of the children.
My husband divorced his ex-wife over 20 years ago, 10 years before we met. We've been married for 10 years. His ex-wife is living with a man, and they've been together for 7 years.
DH's daughter has called him many times, to chat, to discuss problems with children, money, etc. ... but lately she has been asking her mother to call my DH. Many times it's when she wants help with money. His ex-wife called me once, when she couldn't get hold of DH and asked me to tell him to call his daughter. I asked her at that time, why daughter couldn't call him herself. She said she didn't know why she doesn't, but that she asks her to call (the ex-wife).
This bothers me allot because I see no reason why the ex-wife need to call for her since she's a 32 year old adult woman and has called him many times before. And YES, she has called him to ask for money on her own before too.
When the ex calls, she talks to him from about 10-20 minutes, and it's always with me NOT present, since we're separated. Other than telling him that his daughter wants him to call her or that she needs help with money, what is there to say? Yet they talk longer than need be.
I've expressed as nice as I can .. in a non-accusatory way, that I think he should let his daughter know that she can call him direct, that she doesn't have to be scared to ask him for money or feel she needs to go thru her mom. He gets angry at me and says there's nothing wrong with his ex calling him for those reasons.
So ... I'm feeling that either: he LIKES to talk to his ex-wife, and in some way it's bolstering his ego, and he's getting to talk to another woman and somebody who isn't 'asking' anything of him, as he percieves me to be, since we're trying to work on the things that caused the separation. OR he's doing it JUST to annoy me or hurt me, since he knows it does. OR he actually sees nothing wrong with it, and by me asking him NOT to, actually triggers something in him to DO it.
I just dont' get why his daughter can't call her dad, in the time she's taking to call her mom? If she had NO relationship with her dad or was scared to ask him, ok .. but she HAS asked him before ... that's why I just don't get the REASON behind it. Of course, it COULD be that she's secretly hoping that they get back together ... and so is the wife, since she knows we're having problems, and isn't really as happy as she makes out to be with her boyfriend. That's maybe what my 'antennae' is going up for, I sense something .. .just not sure what?
I know I can't MAKE him do anything he's not feeling or wanting to, but if he's suppose to be healing this marriage, why wouldn't he at least take into consideration on how I feel? And why isn't HE on his own, seeing the fact that it makes no sense why his daughter can't call him herself?
And just for more information, when his daughter has asked for money before, he's helped her out many times, it's not like he's gotten mad or refused .. he has to refuse sometimes, when he doesn't have it .. but there would be no reason why she would be concerned asking him herself. She also talks to me off and on, and has my cell number, so there's no reason why she can't call ME to ask my husband to call her. ??? I'm really confused on that.
Besides the problems this is causing with DH and me, I'd just like to know what you guys think about the adult daughter not calling either me to tell him to call her, or calling him direct?
What am I NOT getting here ... or how can I handle this better to be able to handle it at all?
Thanks for reading this far ... and thanks for listening.
Elaine
After thinking about what I wrote for a bit, I thought of this I wanted to share:
I'm REALLY REALLY SCARED!!! I'm scared to death, that my H is having thoughts about his ex, enjoying talking to her to the point of remembering the good in their marriage and forgetting the bad, missing her, and getting his ego stroked, cause 20 years have past and they've both forgotten the BAD and maybe really miss each other.
He met her when she was very young, she grew up with him, he's the mother of his children (we never had any), it all scares the ****** out of me! I don't want to lose him, I don't want him thinking of her when we have problems, and wondering if he shouldn't have worked things out with her instead.
We're at a very critical stage in our relationship, and he's very unhappy, because he thinks anything and everything I ask for is too much or unreasonable. Counselor once said that's allot more HIM and not so much the truth (me). He was raised to believe the woman just DOES and doesn't question, dissagree or confront ANYTHING.
I KNOW there's nothing I can do about this IF indeed he IS thinking this ... but if he ISN'T, wouldn't you think that he'd be willing to stop? Shouldn't he be willing to talk to his daughter about this? When we talked on phone today and I asked very nicely if he would talk to her about this, he got VERY angry again ... saying "Yeah, I SUPPOSE I can sometime ... NOW this conversation is OVER"! He does that allot, ends the conversation just like THAT, very crudely and hurtful.
If he cares about how I feel about this issue, why so much anger and defensiveness? By the way, I ended ALL communication with my ex-husband 1 year ago on his request, and before that I only talked to him when my sons COULDN'T call me (no phone, etc.). I don't WANT to talk to him anymore, since my sons are adults, why should I have to? I have my own separate relationship with them, and I wish it would be that way with my H.
OK .. just wanted to stress how SCARED I am.
