I've been rereading the stuff about plan A and plan B. But.. it seems kinda geared towards if you are still living with your spouse. switching to plan B, seems like the "ok now we're REALLY separate" kinda thing.

But my spouse has already moved out, when I confronted her with the EA. I barely see her. Is there any other more focused type of action, rather than the generic style of "plan A"? Or some kind of refinements on it, at least? :-)
It seems rather... lacking, when the WS has already moved out.
I have no leverage to convince her to stop talking to the OM. I'm not actually even asking if she is, although I kinda assume she is.
it's been about 4 weeks now. it sucks. she says that our relationship is "unfixable", but she's completely unwilling to mention even one issue for why.

(which to me says its mainly becuase she's still fantacising and doesnt want to stop, but I dont really know.)

Have you exposed her to friends, family, workers, church? What have you done to end the affair? Who is the OM? Is he married?

the OM is single, and not living in the vicinity. it is currently an EA, over internet and phone. She doesnt work and doesnt go to church. Since she is already moved out, I'm not sure that any further exposure to her family will be a positive step. my "love balance" with her is already virtually zero; I have almost no opportunities to improve this. I get a chance to talk to her maybe 10-20 minutes a week.

I dont get this whole exposure thing. She hates me enough for pressuring her these last few months. pressuring her through others, will make her even more angry with me. and according to what I've read on the main site: if she's "addicted" to him, then it doenst matter much what ANYONE else says about him anyway; she'll still keep on seeing him.

Hi techie,
I've got a similar situation. My H lives w/ his parents and moved out after i broke our love bank w/ LBs, in particular, disrespectful judg. I've wanted to do a full Plan A but since he doesn't live in our home, it's not quite the same. People on the site have advised me to work to rebuild LBank and work on meeting his ENs (which will probably seem crazy to you right now) but what caused her to leave in the first place? My H and I don't have kids so no so-called leverage there. The OW is married and isn't going to change her situation to accomodate my H (as it stands today). At this point, I'm taking a hard look at my own actions and trying to be a person that my H would want to come home to. No one wants to come back only to be punished. Will your WS go to MC? A good MC will be a huge help right now. I think you need some kind of structured setting where you can have a dialogue. It doesn't sound like you see one another that often.

What i have learned is that you can't force someone to behave the way you want them to -- you can only change your own behavior. Hang in there. Your W is probably realizing that the grass isn't greener in her situation, but it may take her some time to accept what she's done and have conviction of heart...

nordstrom

hi,
nope, no marriage counselling. she absolutely refuses.

Why did she leave?
well, there were pre-existing unmet ENs, and "control issues" between us. But in my opinion, the main things are all due to the EA she's been having online for the last 6 months. I couldnt take her "friendship" with this guy online, and have been pushing harder and harder the last few months about it (and about other guys she's been flirting with online)
I had logging stuff on her online gaming computer, and she knew it. She agreed to it because of an EA she had PREVIOUSLY. But after the first few months of that, she started resenting that more and more. She has strong feelings about her "right to privacy". In the last few recent months, she's taken to also talking to this guy on the phone.

The last week before move-out, I was really bad LB. I did what I THOUGHT would be a cry-for-help to fix our marriage, but I think she took it as a major threat that I would divorce her, even though I said that wasnt it when she asked.

Then I wrongly accused her of covering up a phone call to him. major bad there. and one or two other things also I think. At that point, she was talking about "wanting out". However, she didnt ACTUALLY pack bags, until I confronted her with hard evidence that her "just friends" guy, wasnt just friends any more. I caught them telling each other that they love each other for the first time. (supposedly first time, anyway). and offering to make out online.

SO, D-day == instant move out.
She's living with her mother now.
Who, although she now hates me even more than her previous dislike of me, has at least been informed,
"no, your daughter has been lying to you, they're not 'just friends'". But I expect no help from that quarter, to encourage my W to reconcile. I just hope that at least it will make contact between my W and the OM difficult now.
I also know that her mother hated her plaing the game (FFXI), so hopefully that will be more difficult for her as well.

Our marriage has been horribly strained for the last few months. I think it will take a long time for her to think that coming back would a good thing :-(
But I'm working on showing her that I'm different now.
The sad thing is, I really wanted to meet her ENs, but she was withdrawn from me for months. She wouldnt let me make any deposits. So it was basically like she was waiting for this EA to develop, even though she denies she was looking.
The whole time, she was saying "I'm not looking for attention", and not actively picking up on guys online... but she liked to hang around with the guys who hit on her.
"plausible deniability", as the saying goes. except I wasnt buying it.

I'm not even asking about the other guy. I promised her, "Im different now. I wont snoop on you any more". I'm going to keep my word. Sure would like to know if it's fizzling out now, though.

Not holding my breath. The last act she did that I know about, was that the first weekend after she moved out... she booked a motel and flew out to see him. So for all I know, the EA became a PA one time. I dont know :-(

Today is the one month "anniversary" of D-day.