Ok, will try to make this story brief.

In May, I discovered WH was having an A. We had been disconnected and having troubles for a few months at that point and I had suspicions that something was going on. At any rate, got my proof and confronted him.

He of course denied that any thing was happening though he did admit that the relationship/friendship with OW was inappropriate and that it would stop. To this day, I don't believe that they were "just friends" though I'm willing to try and put that behind me and see what happens with my WH.

The night I confronted him, he ranted and raved and said we should end our marriage. I stayed calm and let him know that I was going to fight for our marriage and that if he wanted a divorce that he had to make the first move, I wouldn't do it. That kind of set him off a bit, I think he was hoping I would go get a divorce.

In the conversation, I brought up that his job was a problem. Not only was it where this friendship evolved, but there was/is a high level of travel involved, so he was rarely home anyway, out of the country alot. When I brought this to his attention, and just how much time he'd spent away from me, my step son and doing activities that he truly enjoys, a light seemed to switch in him.

(Now keep in mind, I am not justifying or forgetting about the A here, just want to give you the full story)

We talked and he admitted he had been unhappy as he felt like he was going nowhere in his career. He doesn't have his college degree and the industry he works in is moving primarily to Asia, due to a cheaper work force. It would mean increased travel over the years. WH says he felt stuck, that he had to keep up at this job to support his family, but he doesn't enjoy or like his job and also sees no path to a new career without a college degree.

So we talked about it and agreed to move back to the east coast where we could afford to send him back to school and live on one income. This initially also started out shakey. He wanted to use this time as a trial separation for us so he could decide if he really wanted the marriage, he said he needed some time away from me because he was feeling smothered. Over time, this has changed, I think, for the better.

We have grown closer over the last 6 weeks. He doesn't work over time, maybe just a couple hours at the end of the week, he says to wrap up lose ends, but he's been home by 8 or so at night (when the A was going on, he wasn't coming home until after midnight on Fridays). He spends more time with me at home, during the A, he'd lock himself away and be on the computer for hours on end. Doesn't do that any more, maybe just 30 to 45 minute a night to wind down. During the A we had no sex life, now it is thriving. We hardly talked to each other during the A, nor did he want to be close to me in any way. Now he is very attentive to me and we talk almost constantly about anything and everything it seems.

Most recently, he told me he no longer wants the "trial separation" when we move back to the east coast. He has said that he thinks he will need to stay behind for just a bit, to ensure the house gets on the market and to wrap up any lose ends regarding the sale of our home, but he intends to join me with no more than a few weeks apart. He also told me that he really wants things to work out between us, that he wants our marriage to work. Best of all, he and I are planning a mini vacation for just the two of us for next month.
So today I found a "trigger" - a receipt for condoms. What bugs me is that he and I never used condoms as I was always on the pill so I know these were purchased for the A. The good thing, if you can call it that, is that the date on the receipt is from when I know the A was going on. I guess it could be worse, it could have been for last week. But I'm well aware that the date on the receipt was for when things were probably at their worst between my WH and I. Again, not an excuse for his choices, but in a way, that made me feel a little better.

So here's my question, I'm just wondering if I should be trusting of how he is acting toward me now. I really want to believe he's recommitted himself to me as he says and acts like. However, like most BS's, I'm scared, I was hurt and I don't know what to believe, especially since WH never really admitted to the affair, just an inappropriate friendship. I want to believe in his words and actions, especially since I've really seen no signs that anything continues to happen.

I've been watching him closely, checking receipts, bank accounts, etc. and I just don't see anything suspicious. But I'm finding it hard to completely trust him again.

To add to everything, I believe there is a chance that I am now pregnant. While I think both I and my WH would be thrilled by this, I'm also a little scared because I'm just not sure if I can trust what WH says to me. Does he really want things to work for us as he's said, or is it just a front?

So I'd be curious for some of you BS to give me your feed back. I truly want my marriage to work and I pray he's being honest with me, but I'm scared as well. Some days my head feels like it is spinning.

Any thoughts for hope or things I should continue to watch out for would be appreciated.

He hasn't been honest with you so far, so why do you think he is being honest now?

Him staying back to "wrap up loose ends" (yeah, right), is a big red flag for me.

You cannot possibly trust anything while there is still an elephant in the room he says isn't there.

Read up on Radical Honesty on this site.

Read the infidelity FAQ's linked below in my signature.

There is no healing and no moving on until you both deal with the affair.

I actually thought the same thing about the staying behind until he told me that he was going to send some of his prized possessions (which I won't name here) ahead with me as a items of good faith. The things he said he would send with me are things I know he wouldn't allow out of his presence unless he was being honest. So that's where I start to wonder if he could possibly be really trying to save our marriage.

Like I said, I've been watching like a hawk and can't find a single sign that he's still having an A. When it was going on, the signs were fairly abundant. Now I'm looking for ANYTHING to show this is still going on and I'm being pretty agressive about it, but don't see a thing.

You guys are right though, I just don't understand his motivation to be "working" so hard to spend more time at home, off the computer, sitting down with me and talking about where we can make changes to benefit us both in the marriage, etc. Seems like an awful lot of time and effort put in to me and not very much into anything with her. Is it possible (bear with me here) that the A is over and he is really trying to work on our marriage?

yes it is possible

is it possible you will ever feel safe if you both are in denial about his affair?

it would be very hard to trust again even if you are recovering. dr harley says never to trust. but then i wouldn't know what your husband is thinking although on my part i'd rather hear the truth than be hit with it in the future when i least expect it

you have to trust again. a marriage is nothing without trust.

blind trust..... now there's the thing not to have.

I would stay with him to ensure all the loose ends are tied up and make the move together, or start the process earlier to ensure everything is done by the time you need to move. There is no way in He77 I would let him stay back alone, unless you want the A to resurect itself.

POJA this and brainstorm with abandon, any and all options on the table.

Just my .02

Some WS' would sell their mothers down the river to continue their As.



Yea, that!

See, if he still believes there was nothing wrong with his 'friendship' and it WASN'T an affair, what will stop him from resuming and/or seeking another "friendship."

IMHO, this issues needs to be resolved and discussed BEFORE trusting & recovery happens.

Thank you for your thoughts. I think even though he hasn't admitted to it completely, he realizes that I don't buy it for a minute. Somewhere deep down though I believe he's trying to be honest with me about things in our life now.

It may sound stupid and naive but I truly feel like this A happened and then he felt extremely guilty and remorseful and it ended. There's just been things he's said and done that make me feel like he's just terrified to tell me the truth about what happened. Like I said, maybe it sounds dumb, it's just a feeling I've got.

I feel for now, the only thing I can do is to keep my eyes wide open, but to trust in what he says until I find something that shows the opposite. I've been very vigilant in keeping my eyes open and I just don't see anything that raises my suspicions right now. However, I will keep looking and won't easily let me guard down.

Okay, I still feel a lot of doubt.

Why don't you discuss the "loose ends" that he needs to take care of?

I moved to Southern California for a job, with a 3 year old and a baby, a cat, and 2 birds. I fixed up my home to sell, and found a good realtor.

I would talk to him and find out exactly why it is so important that he stay.

Well, initially he said he wanted me to move and that he wanted atleast 6 months away from me, that he felt smothered, he needed time to find himself, he felt he wasn't good enough for me and that would give me time to realize it too, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

I forced the issue, telling him I believed that his time of separation had less to do with his desire for me to realize he wasn't the right man for me and more to do with trying to get me out of the picture. Of course he didn't like that. We went through the ranting and the raving, much like what you guys told me I would see in exposure. Boy was he mad. Didn't like that I'd stood up to him about the A any way, even if he wouldn't admit to it. But he was absolutely nuts, nothing he said made any sense at all.

Any ways, I kept pushing the subject, letting him know I wasn't comfortable with the "separation" thing and that I felt like he was just getting me out of the picture.

Then he took a weekend to think, he went camping that weekend. I'm not 100% sure that he really went camping (at the time I don't know that I really cared, I was so angry at him) and dirt bike riding though the fact that he came back smelling like a foot, covered in dirt and his dirtbike was a mess, not to mention the state of the food in the cooler (you know how food looks after its been sitting in melted ice for a day or so), I figured he probably really did take that weekend to do some thinking. After this, his temperment changed. The ranting and raving stopped and he actually started talking in a way that made some sense and many things he says continue to seem sensible.

At any rate, he came home and something was just different about him. I could tell that the moment he came through the door. I can't explain it, but maybe he did some thinking and that's when he chose our marriage. But ever since then, everything has been different with us.

He since said that he wants us to buy a new home on the east coast. This is where I would stay while he ties up the loose ends. When he and I recently talked about it, I asked him about those lose ends. He very simply and directly stated that he thought I'd probably find a job before we'd be able to get our house here sold. His intent was to do any final fix ups on this house or deal with any things the realtor needed, if I had to head to the east coast to start my new job. He made the couple weeks of lose ends seem more like it was what he would do should my new job require me to be on the east coast before we could get those things done together, if that makes sense.

This probably sounds dumb, I love my husband, I want to believe him, I want our marriage to work. I have been having a difficult time finding a new job. Employers I think are a bit put off at trying to hire someone who is currently located on the other side of the country. I've truly thought to talk to my husband and tell him that I think we should just move forward with trying to sell our home and move together out to the east coast. I can work minimum wage or something until I find a new job, but atleast he and I would have made the move together.

I also need to give him kudos on something and this could always be him smoking me. When he and I talked and he said he wanted things to work, at that point I noticed another change in him. He has really been working hard with me. If we've had a miscommunication or argument, he has sat down with me and really tried hard to talk through the problem and come to a solution. In the past he used to just get angry and then he'd separate himself from the situation altogether. Not that way anymore - he's just been putting some noticable work and effort into this marriage and even with the things he's done, I do have to give him some credit for that. I guess I just don't understand why he would put so much time and effort and work into our marriage, if it isn't important to him.

Ok, so I've jsut realized that, thanks to Blind's thread, that I was mistaken in what I thought Plan A was. Can't remember who, but someone said that Plan A was pretty much put together with the idea that the WS would not admit to the A and then this is when I need to prove myself as the most desirable choice. Something like that.

So I guess I'm doing the right thing. I've been doing my best to meet his EN, I've been doing my best to make our home inviting and wlecoming. I've done my best not to have any emotional breakdowns infront of him (don't want to seem needy). However I have had a few - fortunately, they haven't really had anything to do with him and he realized that. We are in mourning over a deceased long time pet. It's been really hard on me and I broke down in his arms a few weekends ago and the others were dumb stuff, stress at work and things like that, that he seemed understanding about. I haven't nagged him, I've listened intently when he talks about his day and been sympathetic and understanding when he's gripped about how unhappy he is at work.

Otherwise, I think I've done an ok job at Plan A. WH has seemed responsive to this and has even responded in fulfilling some of my emotional needs.

What is my next step? I planned to continue Plan A and spying and see what happens. As I stated earlier, he recently said to me that he really wants to try and make things work with me. I'm trying to get up my courage and talk to him about it again, but I'm not sure how to approach him about it. As I already confronted him on it before, I'm worried that bringing it up again in the incorrect way will only seem like LB behavior in his alien eyes.

Any advice on which direction I go now, or do I just stay the course for a little while longer?

In my opinion seperating for any length of time right now will not help at all.
This is just my opinion.
I would not leave him behind for any reason at all.
This sounds like a coast to coast move and being that far apart won't help anything. If there are that many loose ends if you both stay behind and tie them up you can move east together and start repairing you live together at the same time.

Trust is earned.

Blind

So as you'll see, I did the initial confrontation. WH denied everything just as we suspected, said he and OW were just friends. At that time I chose to Plan A and keep a very close eye on WH.

As the confrontation ended and WH and I talked more and more, he pretty much dumped a ton of anger and frustration in my lap, blaming me and our marriage for his state of mind. I did well in the beginning and stayed calm, but eventually broke down emotionally, then pulled myself back to calm and have stayed there since.

Finally, a few days after confrontation, I brought up his demanding job. I have no doubt there was an A, but I believed a good protion of his anger and frustration to be job related. As we discussed this, I can only say that the look on his face looked as if he hadn't ever considered that his unhappiness could be job based and not marriage based.

Since that moment, things have continued to improved between me and WH. I have seen little to make me think that an A is still going on, though I don't know for sure that it is over. Initially I thought that WH was trying to snow me, now I am not so sure. He truly seems to be trying to put a lot of effort into our relationship. Much more than I would expect for a man who presumably wanted to be with another woman.

A family member who also had to deal with an A, brought up a point. She asked, "At the worst things ever were between you two, he was putting absolutely no effort or emotion into it, wanted to walk out the door, leave and get a divorce, but never did. I would think that the fact he is now putting some effort and emotion into your marriage should mean something."

So my first question to you MBrs is, in your experience, could this kind of ongoing effort (closing in on 3 months of consistent behavior with limited fog) in the marriage, be considered a positive thing?

My next question is this, early in this thread, I mentioned that a few weeks ago, WH told me that he wants things to work out with us. I want that as well, but I feel if we are truly going to make our marriage work then we need to start with no secrets between us - complete honesty no matter how hurtful. I don't want details about the A, what I really want is him to just tell me the truth. I just want him to admit that it happened and that it is or is not still going on. Maybe that is too much to ask?

So I'm wondering, did anyone do a second sort of confrontation? I don't want him to feel attacked or like he needs to be defensive, but I do want him to feel like he can talk to me about this. I don't deny that he did something wrong - his actions have hurt me alot. However, I don't feel at this point that coming to him in a manner that will put all the walls back up will be beneficial at all.

If he truly wants to work on our marriage, I want to work with him, but I really need to address this situation so we can move forward and put it in the past. I don't think we can successfully rebuild our marriage so long as we are sweeping this under the rug. It needs to be addressed so we can move on, hopefully together.

Any ideas on the best way to best appraoch this "confrontation #2"?

T2T

Yes, let him tell you his recovery plan. You consult with Steve H so he can help you get a recovery plan and if your H is sincere, introduce Steve so Steve can help both of you. You will find your Xws t/b relunctant to any help, but tell him you need the support until he is capable of giving it to you.

That is how I am able to post on MB. MB was part of my support group for many years while my Ws, then Xws had his head in the sand and up his rear for a while. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Then eventually my H started showing up. Now I post to give back the support so graciously and patiently given to me.

take care,
L.

Hey T2T

I hope because you aren't around you are having a good reunion.

Blind