I just found out for sure. it wasnt that i didnt know it was that I didnt want to look. She started cheating on me online, then they met. It took me a while but I figured it out. Now since I have made her confess.. HE and I are chatting online and we even met. We both want her to be happy and I dont think either one of us is capable of doing it for her. She dosnt like the fact that me and him talk about her. I know this is odd and I could use some brotherly advice.

I don't know of any advise that I could offer you(plus I'm a sister instead of brother), but I'll have to say that from reading what you wrote, she doesn't know what she's missing with you. I don't know of very many men that would be willing to communicate with the OM, other than with a fist or baseball bat. (No I don't condone violence, but I'll bet that's what most people would feel.) I applaud your efforts for talking with the OM-shows a great maturity on your part. Of course, she doesn't like you 2 talking. I'm not defending her by any means, but think it's just a human reaction in that situation. She probably doesn't know fully what you guys are talking about and you probably threw her for a loop when you let her know that you were talking to him. If I were in her shoes, I'd be thinking "What do they possibly have to talk about?" She's got another fog going on now on top of the affair. She's probably feeling really guilty and also betrayed by OM. And she probably feels that the both of you are teaming up against her. I would think that she's feeling that you are pumping him for more information and that the OM is telling you whatever it takes to cover his own butt.

If you want to try and save your marriage and she agrees-talk to her about what you and OM are discussing-see what her view point is. I know, easier said than done because she's probably not at a listening stage right now. Why do you and OM think neither of you could make her happy? Has she defined what she thinks is wrong in your marriage? Has OM defined what he thinks is wrong in their relationship? Is there a connection there? Possible that OM is full of hot air and is just telling you what you want to hear?

If you think that there is no resolution to whatever the problem is in your marriage, I don't know if I would continue to speak with OM. What's the point in prolonging your agony if you think there's no hope.

I think it all boils down to this is a decision that's to be made between you and your wife. This is just what I think I would do-I would stop all contact with OM and maybe use conversations with him as a tool. For instance, "This what OM says, what's your opinion on this?" But after a discussion involving OM's opinions, I would drop it and leave it up to her as to whether she wanted to discuss him anymore.

I really like the part in Plan A where it talks about working on yourself first. I've been doing that and it feels really good to know that you have put your best foot forward. So, no matter whether you and your wife decide to stay together or not-take time for you. You deserve it and I think you'll find it an invaluable tool in moving past all of the hurt and pain.

I'll keep you all in my prayers. Take care of YOU.
4rabbits

RM,

Welcome friend,
I'm new the this board, but have read many many hours and what this board has in it can help you understand where you are. General questions II has lots more traffic and maybe answers to your questions. You are not alone, many people, much better than me, are here and very helpfull. Hang in there and take care of you. Read as much as you can here also.

I understand the pain you're going through -- the lies, the betrayal, the vulnerability. It sucks.

Keep your chin up. Read the articles. Read the Five Languages of Love. Don't beat yourself up. As best you can, channel the extra energy you have into something positive.

Good luck.