As many have known on this board for awhile, I have been struggling with telling the OM'sW who does not know of the A. There were some things that happened that past week that enabled me to talk to my husband again regarding telling the OM'sW. He has agreed that this is what I need to do, and I am ready to proceed with how to inform her.

I wanted to give a little background about what has happened since my posts last week.

Prior to my posting on Suzet's thread, I have been dealing with some other "issues" that have been weighing heavily on me. When Suzet posted her situation, the thought of telling the OM'sW kept flooding my mind. I have always believed that she needs to know, but yet I felt I had to stand behind my husband's decision of not informing her. I felt this was what I had to do for the recovery of our marriage.

Last Tuesday (the day after my postings)...I had to leave work for about 1 1/2 hours because I just about "lost it all" and had an emotional breakdown. I had an incident that happened at work with another employee and I needed to get away and leave my office. I left and went to my husband's office to calm myself down.

My husband knows I have issues with this employee at times, but he also realizes how this other "issue" has been weighing on me lately. He knew it was more than this incident for me to be having such a hard time. I couldn't stop crying! It was then that I told him that the OM1's W NOT KNOWING has been weighing heavily on me too. I told him what happened on MB and how I just don't know what the right answer is. He told me that if this is bothering me so much, then I must have my answer and we should tell her. We talked about praying over this for a few days before proceeding. And we also talked of different ideas on how to tell her.

I've spent much time in prayer and the very next day I read this verse in
1 Peter 3:13-15
Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened." But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord......

It left me crying as I felt God was telling me...."What and who am I afraid of for doing what is right? And for doing what pleases Him?"

I am ready to do this, and I am open to all advice. When I wrote about this back in March, I did not have the OM's address as their phone number is unlisted. Recently, I was able to obtain their address using zaba search. I had kept their unlisted home phone number as well as the OM's cell phone number for my husband to use if needed... (and he did when when OM tried to contact me in May of this year). For those that don't know, I do not know the OM'sW at all I don't know what type of person she is and how she may react. They live 1100 miles away.

For a brief background of the A please read this post #2955445 on this thread: here
(I don't know how to get the link to go to the exact post, so you will need to scroll down a few posts to find the post I am referring to)

I have followed Katie Mae's thread to where she mailed a box to the OM'sW and also followed up with a letter to the OM'sW. I have thoughts to where sending a letter to the OM'sW would be the best route to take. I feel by sending the letter I can verbalize my thoughts and ask for forgiveness. I can also give her an email address or my cell phone number if she would like to contact me with further questions. I do not wish to include our home address anywhere on the letter.

I need advice on how to word such a letter and how much detail she needs. I can imagine receiving a letter like this in the mail will be a major blow and will be difficult to read. None of it is easy, but it will provide her with the truth she deserves.

Thank you to all who continued to push me in the right direction to do this. I am still scared, but will trust that God will help me and my husband through this....as well as the OM'sW.

2B congratulations for doing this.

Can I suggest your husband should phone OM'sW and tell her? You should not have contact.

I am so pleased you are doing this 2B. It will be a weight off you doing the right thing.

All blessings.

BigK,
I had asked my H regarding calling the OM'sW, but he feels that it should be me doing this. By sending a letter to her, I will not risk any contact with the OM. Do you see any potential risk of contact with a letter addressed to the OM'sW?

Holy crap!

Congratulations!

Second that if your H will field it..so much the better.

Alternatively you could send a box like KM did..send it certified of course.

agree with noodle - send certified. It would be quicker, more direct if yur husband would make a simple call but if he won't then do a letter certified so it isn't intercepted.

I would prefer he did it for your sake really but as long as she knows, mission accomplished. Good girl.

2B, This is going to be a big load off your mind and will probably make your recovery better.

I think maybe Big K is right. Will your husband make the call?

If not, maybe a ceritifed letter so you would know she got it and it was not intercepted by him.

I would not give a lot of details. Just a brief description of the affair, your apology, and your vow to never be in contact again.

I think you are exactly right, 2BNormal. You won't be risking contact with the OM if you do it this way. And you can ensure she got the letter by asking her to confirm via email. The only risk I see here is the OM intercepts the letter, but if you ask her to confirm she got it via email.

I applaud you for doing the right thing, 2BNormal, I have said more than a few prayers for that woman and I have glad you are doing this.

At this point, my husband is not agreeing to calling the OM'sW for me. If I send a certified letter, then I have to include my address on the envelope? What about what MrWondering suggested for KatieMae? Include my email or cell phone # in the letter so the OM'sW can confirm that she received the letter. However, I don't see that has heppened in Katie Mae's situation yet.

2BN-

Great news that your H has agreed to this. My ONLY reservation was that it would be against your agreement with him...but if he now understands why you feel this needs to happen, that negates that issue.

Personally, I suggest that you AND your H sit down together someplace with a speakerphone, and call OMW directly. Explain who you are, that your H is sitting there with you, and then explain what happened.

She could react any number of ways...but having your H there with you should give you a lot more 'credibility' than if he weren't part of the conversation. Hopefully he'll also be able to help defend you if need be.

Be ready and willing to answer a lot of TOUGH questions. Think about what those questions might be (think about a lot of what you've read here about how newly betrayed BS's react), and make sure that your H understands and KNOWS what you're likely to have to talk about before the conversation. Make sure he's ready to deal with it too.

Arm OMW with knowledge that will make the A impossible for OM to hide from. Give her whatever she needs to "prove it" for herself, so that she can deal with him as needed. And don't expect her acceptance of your apology to happen right away, if ever. Make sure she understands WHY you called...not out of 'revenge', or anger. But because you felt that she had a right to know that she'd been betrayed, and that you had to give her the chance to know the truth.

Go in there working as a TEAM with your H.

Good moves here. Getting your H to finally see your side of things was the best way to solve this whole dilemma. Now follow through and see if finally done.

Nothing wrong with doing it via 'snail mail' I guess either...why not send it registered mail, requiring the addressee's direct signature? Costs a little bit, but this way you know that she'll at least get it.

I have thought about this, but the OM would not be expecting me to send a letter to his wife. If I didn't have a return address on the envelope, he wouldn't know it was me. He may see the postmarked stamp from my state, however, and that could alert him. But, then why would he suspect me sending her a letter? We have not given him any indication that we would do this.

Yes, this is true so hopefully he won't intercept it. But there is always the off chance that he will open the mail. That is what I am concerned about.

Mel,
Yes, I am concerned he may open the mail too. I have no clue if he does or not, and something that may not "look" like anything can be perceived as junk mail and thrown away too.

Maybe sending it by cerified mail would be the way to go? Can the OM sign for it for her though?

Don't overthink..you'll talk yourself out of it because yu can't decide on the details.

Sending it certified should be enough..but I agree with ML..asking her to confirm that she received it would be a good idea.

If you send anything certified, make certain you check the box for return receipt (extra cost). You will get the receipt back in the mail with the signature of the person who received it.

I just looked on the USPS site and there is something called "restricted delivery" that you can add to the certified mail delivery. Restricted Delivery insures that the mail will reach a specific recipient.

Maybe I should do this in addition to giving her my email to confirm she received it?

Also, the details. How much? Do I give her dates of when the OM was here in 2003? And then tell her when it ended? How much does she need to know of me? I do want to tell her of her husband trying to contact me recently as well.

Here is my concern about certified. When a certified comes to my house, they don't leave it, they leave a little notice for us to come to the post office. If she sends her H to the post office to collect it, like I do, he will see who it is from and open it. Or even worse, he could be home when it arrives, sign for it, and see the return address.

JMO, but I wonder if she would be better off just mailing it, with no return address like she intended, and asking the OMW to confirm via email or phone call that she got it.

Registered mail is always an option although it is very slow.

Courier services like FedEx or DHL (I believe) have options for restricted delivery as well. (At least they do internationally) Just a thought.

I am proud of you, 2B, for making this decision to tell OM's wife.

It has been bothering you for a long long time, way back when you first started posting on Cardsonly's thread about on line affairs.

You just didn't want to go over your husband's head and contact her since your husband didn't want you to.
Your husband sounds like a GOOD guy and cares so much about your emotional well being.

Did you notice Owl's suggestion to call OM's wife, using a speaker phone, with your husband beside you?

I like that idea. You would have no doubt that she received the information.

You could follow up later with an email or a letter.

This would be something I would have to discuss with my husband. It might likely require several phone calls before we may even get her on the phone.