Hi Everyone,

I've been around reading these message boards and following advice...I guess I'm still in plan A about to go into plan B. A quick summary: My 38 yo husband left about 3 months ago after not knowing what he wants (midlife crisis). I know he's been enjoying his single life pretending he's in his 20's again and everything/everyone that comes with it. The reason he left in the first place is I discovered infidelity and don't think that was the first time it happened. He basically left on his own, but until today I hadn't really gotten a reply about the relationship and was just working on plan A whenever I had a chance to see him. Right now, I'm unsure about what I want also as I've invested about 10 years in the relationship (with no kids). I got this email from him today and want to know how to answer it:

How are things for you?
Are you having fun being single?
Are you where you want to be at right now?
Are there any regrets?
What would you wish for at this point and time?

I was basically thinking of replying "These are questions that you should be asking yourself" using Orchid's technique, but I may be wrong. Any advice? I guess I'm now getting used to being alone and he realized that I don't need him anymore. Apparently some of the techniques I've read here is working to a point.

i agree theres probably a hidden message there just hold out for a better equipped person to help you answer right now .i wish i could help but dont want to hurt you in the process .just wait for a vet on the site to give advice

I would agree that those are the questions your H should be answering for you. In addition, he sounds very immature... both for his wanting to live like he is in his 20's again and also he sends those questions as a fishing expedition.

You should figure out what you want before letting this go any further. It may be best to cut your losses and move on since you have no children and really are not sure what you want at this point. I wish you luck and I am sorry that you need to be here. Hopefully we can be of some help to you.

Actually, the Orchidian reply is about right - except it's not very constructive.

Before suggesting another reply, please tell us how old you are, how long married, and how sure are you that this isn't the first infidelity?

Bump this for Orchid, she's the queen of reverse babble

Bump up again for Orchid's expertise!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think he's wanting to feel that you need/accept him. Maybe he is at some sort of crossroad where things don't quite feel as comfortable as he thought they would. Or, maybe he is just wanting his cake.

Unless you want to condone him enjoying other women, don't be accepting.

You're clearly not at a place where you wanted to be in life. And now, he's realizing he's not comfortable with where he's at. Instead of him telling you that he's not happy, he's wanting you to tell him you're not happy. That's a taker. He's trying to have his EN's met without meeting yours.

I wouldn't give it to him unless you're absolutely positive that he is ready to commit to really working on things, forever. Just my 2 cents.

So in this case what do you suggest? I don't want to tell him I need him, I was thinking of using some reverse babbling that Orchid talks about. I don't want him to have his cake and I also don't want him the pleasure of me letting him know if I miss him, which the obvious answer is yes even though I let on that I don't. Any suggestions/advice?

I'm not Orchid, but here's my reality bringer Plan A response...

--------

Are you having fun being single?
"I hear you asking if I'm having fun being someting I'm not, is that correct? I'm not single. I am your wife. We're married."

Are you where you want to be at right now?
"You are asking if living my marital home without my husband, is where I want to be right now, is that correct? Right now, I'm married to a man who is pretending to be single."

Are there any regrets?
"Regrets are for what a person didn't do...remorse is for what a person did."

What would you wish for at this point and time?
"I'm an adult: I don't do wishes. I do reality. I am waiting for my WH to stop being unfaithful and to commit to deciding if he wants a thriving, fulfilling marriage or a single life after he divorces me."

"That's how things are with me."

--------

LA

Is it normal to feel like not answering his email? I know this is a game, but don't feel up to playing at the moment. I guess you get tired after a while. Will the effect be the same if I wait a couple of days to answer the email?

He's taken three months, correct? Why not take a couple of days.

Have you read about Love Busters (LBs)? Have you identified what yours were while you've been in Plan A? They didn't cause his MLC or infidelity...they are what we eliminate in ourselves for ourselves in an authentic Plan A...

And exposure...who did you expose to?

I don't see any of this as a game...he's in fantasyland...with a full blown addictions...entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect...

Addressing those issues within yourself brings a lot of clarity, pure intent and determination to your world...with or without him...

Is your goal to save your marriage? Where you can do everything possible, within your control, so either you recover your marriage (and rebuild a great one), or walk away knowing you did everything possible?

LA

Maybe just say that those are very thought-provoking questions, and you are going to think about them for a while.

That ought to buy you some time, without actually ignoring him.

Regarding about Love Busters, I read about them a while ago, but will look into reading them again, because I can't answer your question clearly. There just is so much information to read about on these message boards, which is really good.

Regarding exposure, I'm working on a letter to send to his workplace/boss since the infidelity occurred there with a married woman. I even wanted to contact her husband, but have read the pros/cons of doing this and was just ignoring the whole ordeal.

Yes, I'm very unsure about what I want to do at this point. I think I knew 100% about a month ago (saving the marriage), but as time passes I just am not too sure. It kind of feels better being alone as I don't have to deal with these kinds of issues (i.e. various bouts of infidelity and didn't know what to do originally), but then also don't feel like starting over with someone. I know I'm still young (31) with no kids, but right now I just feel like being alone and working on myself since I haven't really done that in over 10 years. It was really hard without him in the beginning, but have learned to let go and I think he's noticing this now. I just have to sit down and think what I really want now. Any words of encouragement/advice?

With all due respect, neak, those are not thought provoking questions.

Unless your pondering the immaturity of the asker. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Again, how old are you and how long have you been married?

How entangled are your assets - do you jointly own a home? - automobiles? - investments?

What legal arrangements have been made to accomodate the separation? Who's paying the bills? Whose address is on the car insurance policies? Who's paying the health insurance? Are you in a (U.S.) community property state?

Part of whatever you respond to him has to consider these type things, IMHO. Otherwise you will not be honest with yourself.

WAT

I like LA's answers...I believe them to be quite appropriate...

Remember, if you are in Plan A, you want him to know that he is loved and missed...He is the dishonest one, not you...

Mrs. W

Exactly where did you read these pros/cons?

If it was on this forum, please read them again.

Until you inform her husband you're a participant in the affair by helping to keep it secret. How would you like it if the roles were reversed?

Yes, exposing to an unsuspecting spouse is ugly, ugly, ugly. Yet it is the necessary thing to do. Often the right things to do in life are the most difficult.

WAT

"I thought your questions were provoking."

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for that info, I think I read it here or maybe one of the other sites. The next question is, how do I find her husband? I know her name, but that's about it. I don't know his. And regarding my age it's 31, and we don't own anything jointly. The house is in my name and am having a hard time paying it but have found myself a part time (I also have a full-time) job. I realized no one will care more than I will, so took matters into my own hands. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Gotta become Ms. Sherlock Holmes.

Know their address? Have any specific info? Do you know anyone at his workplace you can enlist for snooping?

Unless their last name is too common and you live in a huge town, try a yahoo search and try to match up what you know.

You cannot shy away from snooping. Another ugly but necessary aspect of the war.


How did that happen? You owned it before you met him? This could be good or bad. In the worst, if you dump him he may be able to grab half the home equity depending on your location.

WAT

Exposure for sure.

But, back to the email response. In plan a, you're supposed to meet his EN's without concern for your own. So, it would require an honest answer, letting him know how you loved him/missed him (if honest), and that home is a safe place to be. I almost lost sight of that until Mrs. W brought it up. That's Plan A though, for as long as you can stand it.

And Plan A makes sense. He might be seeking comfort from you. And, if you give it to him, maybe he'll start feeling guilty and have to think about the consequenses on his own. And Plan B would seem more effective only after Plan A was in place for a while.