Well, I suggest you stay in your home.

No need to "assist" him in being "single". Maybe wash the sheets.

It's your family home - still - and your agreement is warranted for whatever takes place there.

You not being there allows him to get destructive. Do not underestimate what a WS in their stupor is capable of. Strage things take place on the Mothership. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WAT

Ewww, I was just thinking that too. Yeah, it's better to not allow his stupidity to go any further. This alleviates him staying at night. The problem is he comes over when I'm at work too (during the day). He has a flexible job in which he can come and go as he pleases so he has lots of free time. He does this a lot (to wash while there also) and then stays over at night occasionally. I was even there one night when he stayed over, but he stayed on the couch. He says he needs to relax and get sleep, because apparently with the young guys he's staying maybe he doesn't who knows. The thing that ticks me off is he doesn't help with stuff I ask him to do like mow the lawn or even help financially (since he's so much in debt). I don't want to keep enabling his singleness or him taking advantage of me either....so any suggestions in this case?

Well, the knee jerk response is "show him the door."

The MB thing to do is - after you've demonstrated your Plan A personal improvements - to calmly explain that unless he's ready to actively participate in the rebuilding of your marriage and treat you with respect, that he needs to move out until he is ready. Change the locks while getting in place whatever legal instrument (e.g., legal separation) is available to you to protect your assets and property. Then you immediately go to Plan B.

This presumes you want to try to salvage this marriage.

If you don't want to try, go back to the top of this reply and stop after the first sentence. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WAT

Hahahha too funny! I love your replies! Yea, I'm still in middle ground right now but gravitating towards your first reply. Maybe the reward will be sweeter after I'm done with my plan A... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> and he's still in awe over what happened. Yea, I'm not too happy when I discover he's been in my house while I'm not there. Like what's the point? Or he's just trying to make his presence felt at times when I ignore him. Who knows what goes on in these alien's minds, but I'm glad you seem to have more experience on this and can realistically make comments.

Middle ground is OK - as long as you Plan A in the meantime. But recognize that your Plan A cannot be as good as it might be if you were 100% sure you wanted to salvage your marriage. It'll be a "middle" Plan A. You can't have the energy and desire to do it right without a full commitment from that lady in the mirror. It takes a LOT of strength and dedication.

But even a "middle ground" Plan A DOES NOT mean you don't set boundaries and he doesn't have to have SOME responsibilities.

You can tell him you object to having certain visitors in the home.

Now, you ought not play middle ground very long. You're just the bottom middle away from doing more harm than good - when you totally run out of desire.

WAT

How do you tell someone nicely (plan A) about what their responsibilities are (such as paying their portion of the bill, mowing the lawn, visitors, him going to the house)? I don't want to sound like a nag either. And what do you do if he still ignores these requests (besides your #1 idea)? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm not the best at this part.

I suggest you calmly - calmly and slowly is key - explain that you want nothing more than to rebuild your marriage into one better than either one of you have imagined. You now have a plan and the knowledge to do it. Your current marital crisis has been a wake up call to you and you now see how some of your actions and inactions in the past contributed to the poor marital environment that fostered his affair. You've learned your lesson. But this is a two way street and you can't do it alone. He has to actively participate and take some responsibilities. Be a positive contributor. One of the things you've learned is the value of joint accountability and enthusiastic agreement between spouses. It cannot be any other way with any expectation of a happy marriage. It takes work. To this end, you need an a responsible, active participator. You desire him to share paying the bills, mowing the lawn, etc., etc.

Calmly explain all this to him. Be humble and no anger allowed.

Think about it - this is a very reasonable expectation, huh?

If he ignores it - which he very likely will - take steps to totally separate from him until he's ready to participate. You don't have the energy to do it alone. You can't clap with one hand. This is Plan B.

None of this is easy. No one will fault you - well, I won't - if you decide it's not worth it and bail out.

WAT

You fooled me and did a great job explaining this! I see how it is and once again patience plays alot in this. I just have to keep myself calm and think I'm dealing with a child at this point. Thanks for all your help and reinforcement and arming me with the information I need to continue this battle (not alone). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I hope I can continue counting on you in the future.