I'm reading His Needs/Her Needs at the moment. the more I read it, the more frustrated I get over the fact that I seem to know/understand so much of what Dr. H. mentions. I hated reading that women are usually the first ones to buy the books on marriage help, the first ones to usually go for counseling/marriage help. I keep reading, "yes, that's exactly what needs to happen to fix my relationship!" but the person who should be reading this (my husband) isn't reading it. I heard about this amazing book several years ago from my sister (who also had problems with her husband). I've noticed a decline in the quality of my relationship for the last two years. From the few bits of information that I could rememeber (before having purchased the book) I made my husband aware that certain needs weren't being met -- I kept hearing that he'd work on it, he continued to say he is changing (yet, I don't see significant improvement). I've talked, I've been patient, I've been supportive and just like the book says, I wonder if my love bank is empty because I'm tired of trying to fix something if my other half ISN"T really investing (even though he claims to be). I'm depressed, I'm tired, I asked, i've yelled and I'm tired of hearing myself say/ask for the same things over and over again. I told him I bought the book, but we had a situation on Friday (promised to see me on Friday, and then didn't) -- we haven't spoken since then. But i want to bring up the book and the fact that we should both be working on it. any ideas on how I can bring it up? In all honesty, I'm a very proud woman and I haven't picked up the phone because I don't want to be the one to AGAIN, try to fix/patch things up first -- it seems as I'm the one who does it all the time--I'm the only one providing solutions. He seems to lack drive on certain things and I will really be crushed if we start this and then don't finish it -- I feel like this is my absolute last hope to repair this marriage. Any ideas on how I can bring it up -- how can I ask him to try this because I don't know what else to do? any help appreciated. THANKS

Are you guys seperated right now ?

How long have you been married ?

"don't see significant improvement" are you saying there has been improvement - just not enuf ?

The book was not written for you to see how your husband is mistreating you - it is for married couples to enrich their marriage. IMHO: You are coming across as anti-male

Tishak,

Hope2 has some great questions...

You are reading about how relationships work...usually it is a stunning journey...feeds wonder, not anger...

Your resentment level is off the charts...and what you are saying has been said many times on this board...over and over again..."Why do I have to do all the work?"

Answer:

You don't.

You choose to do this, each and every step...only you know why you choose...no one can make you do anything...which you are experiencing with your H...you have no control over him, nor he, you.

Period.

You are limited in fixing...you can fix your half of the relationship...you can fix yourself...to fix a person is abusive. And unproductive.

Would you be willing to read Love Busters for you? Would you see your choice in doing all this for you, to see with informed eyes yourself, your contributions, your true intent, and get really honest with yourself?

It's what we do here...and you're not alone. I overcame my foot-deep resentment buildup, found my power in my choices and realized my human limits in not being able to cause, control or cure others...found out where I was abusive...fixing my H...and like me, found out he wasn't broken. Nor was I.

You can live in freedom, responsibility and love...you can thrive...takes personal recovery and a commitment to half the marriage...yours...and everything changes.

Your choice.

Can't do it with expectations of what the other half does or doesn't...takes you respecting he knows...so stop telling...and begin sharing...your own journey...owning what is yours and putting his stuff down...

You can do this. Clear your own way, keep posting, questing...change your goal from fixing your H to understanding yourself...you've got the drive...choose your road.

LA

Thankyou LA -- I appreciated your comments and ideas. It's actually pretty amazing because after posting, i didn't think I shared a lot and my resentment towards my husband showed right through. Yes I 'm upset and I feel like I've been the only one working at keeping this relationship alive for quite some time now. But, in a way, i've always known (obviously never accepted) that i needed to fix myself first -- or rather like you said, i can't be in control of or try to "change" or "fix" my husband.
I've been looking at purchasing other books from Dr. H --
we spoke last night -- and I mentioned the book to him.
I tried to remain calm, because unfortunately i get upset very quickly. We're talking -- we've been separated over a year, but neither wants to give up yet, so I'm going to keep reading likeyou suggested -- obviously I need to finish his/her needs.....but thanks for the replies. Iknow I have to work on all my feelings and one important comment he made last night was....our real main problem is our communication -- we're talking different languages here I think and I know that I'm not trying hard enough to translate...thanks for your reply

tishaak:
Thank you for posting.
There is quite a lot of free stuff on this site also:
Take a close look at the love busters (LB) - things
can work better if you avoid them.

My W and I have also been seperated for over a year but I still have
hope - I've read HSHN and then gave her the book - she hasn't read it. I'm praying my wife is willing to come on board.

There are a number of posters with a lot better advice
than I give - I just hate to see someone post without
any replies.

I hope things work out for you.

H2R

>It's what we do here...and you're not alone. I overcame my >foot-deep resentment buildup, found my power in my choices >and realized my human limits in not being able to cause, >control or cure others...found out where I was >abusive...fixing my H...and like me, found out he wasn't >broken. Nor was I.

Hi LA
I hope you come around to se my thanks again to you. I actually haven't stopped thinking about one thing you said....and it's amazing how much it hit home. He and i have been apart for so long precisely to "fix" ourselves....I was the one who wanted to break for a bit....I felt HE needed to fix certain issues in his life. I remember thinking that the time apart would be good and I could really concentrate on the issues that I have to deal with. But, in all that time, I dont think i've worked on me -- REALLY worked at it. It's got to take a lot of strength though to work...I mean, i read your words and they overwhelm me....I keep thinking now "where do I begin?" you know? My husband and I talked for about 3 hours the other night and, I wonder what it was within me that kept me from blaming him again, kept me from hurting him by recalling his past mistakes; what stopped me? It's just so easy for me to live in the past and bring all the pain to the surface... I don't know, but in a big way I don't care what it was because if it's the little bit of love in his love bank (or a guardian angel) that did it, THANK GOD because I don't want to lose this guy, you know? I'm getting choked up here. I never want to hold his hand after an argument, and I found myself reaching out for his hand this time-- you know what he said.."thank you" Maybe I always did interrupt him like in the book...maybe that's why he doesn't talk to me -- maybe that's why he feels that he can't offer solutions to me becaues...I DON"T LET HIM!
I've actually been smiling the last couple of days becaus I know that even if we (HUB and i )don't talke for a few days, we're okay. I don't know if it makes any sense, I just can't believe how your words turned the mirror on me and how true it really was. Iknow I have a HUGE amount of work to do. I really have to do it this time -- I liked the way you said that it's a journey...well, now I can't recall what you said, but it was nice. Just a week ago, I really didn't believe there was a journey, or even a stinking road!

thanks again LA
PS
He said yes to "His Needs/Her Needs"

Hey, I caught it the second time around!! You're welcome!

Hope you see this is a two-way street of good stuff...because what I share from my experience helps me remember, remind myself and stay present...and learn more about stuff I've still got hidden...when you post, you give back.

To your last post first...would you consider you may be in the habit, nearly a compulsive one, of focusing on your H? I did. That's why I ask. By focusing on him and not me, I got in the way of working on myself...which really isn't work...it's exploration (less fear in that, isn't there?)...and breaking my habit of focus was tough...like taking the hand of a 2-year-old, over and over again, as they pull away to venture, and keep them walking with you...hope that helps because we love that 2-year-old and they really are not doing it to anger or distract us...

I think you nailed living in the past...staying present isn't easy...we have again, formed habits of existence...would you consider yourself an evidence collector? As if you can glean all the steps that got you to here...fact by fact...(mostly H's); instead of BEING here?

I don't think you're unusual in keeping that past pain alive...when we don't get the information from our emotions (they are signals, information about our beliefs), I think we keep having them until we do. Solving ourselves would go along with the evidence collector, wouldn't it?

I think what you heard me say was you're okay...you really are...you have habits, ways of living and believing that are outdated...you've experienced and learned more than you let yourself know...now listening to yourself...already you are...seeing where you would've done one thing, and choosing (consciously) to do another...no longer living from emotions but for a goal...

You love your H. Resentment, anger, frustration can become bad habits which block our love...our bank can be pretty full, but we can't feel it for the garbage we've stacked in the way...

I think you're open to clearing off the garbage (and it's really debris that just looks enormous)...now that you know you have the power...the control over YOU...

When we focus on others instead of ourselves, we feel out of control...we are and we aren't...because we can't lose our power of choice...still have it...it is recognizing us choosing to dwell, examine and tear apart what we can't control that leaves us feeling powerless.

You're so very welcome...btw...it's you doing that, not me. You were open...even caved in with all this pain...you opened yourself.

I do know what you mean about being okay not talking for a few days...when it isn't withdrawing, retaliation, feeling rejected or spited...feels nice...trusting...soft, doesn't it?

Where do you start? Here's how God brought it to me when I was where you were last week..."Healing The Shame That Binds Us" by John Bradshaw...doing a resentment timeline of my marriage..."Between Parent and Child" (forgot this great author, pub 1972 and in its 18th reprinting or more); don't be fooled by the title...this really changed my life and my marriage; "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans..."Facing Love Addiction" (and yeah, I forgot...but 213601, a poster here recently got it...you could ask him..."The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work" by Gottman; "Fighting for Your Marriage" by Howard Markman, et. al...

Lots of books...not all at once...took a few months...edible reading...well-written...

And "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend...

All these I see as love books...written with love, for us...for this journey inward...

You are not alone, Tish...truly.

Now, communication (going to your next to last post)...have you heard of listen and repeat? I call this injecting respect into your marriage...because this is where you listen to what H says, and repeat what you heard...so he can then clarify or confirm. Sounds simple...oh, but not easy. We have a lot of noise in our heads...our immediate reaction to what we're hearing, how we're hearing it, including reacting to past stuff, and preparing what we're gonna say back...to listen and repeat is to hear, understand and acknowledge.

No debate. No defining others. We only define ourselves (part of God's amazing design). I read, "Strive first to understand, then be understood." Hope that helps.

In order to really listen and repeat, you will have to consider changing your beliefs...because you are separate and equal human beings...with your own truth...he has his, and you have yours...only actions are The Truth...the rest is pure us...nothing about what you feel, think or believe can be wrong...nor what he does...his is his stuff...yours is yours. He can feel sad...not your doing. You can feel smiley (I'm so happy you were smiling), not his doing. Our feelings are our own...and the freedom of knowing this changes everything...

The talking over or interrupting? Gone...why? Because you aren't making a case, changing his POV, substantiating your own...because yours is valid. It's yours! His is valid...it is all his...and this being safe to be intimate.

You're gonna thrive, Tish...no matter what comes...you have been wanting this for a very long time...your garden of resentment never filled you with joy, your anger did not protect you and your frustration did not justify you.

You'll learn about choosing to love instead of earning it (earning love also means earning punishment...icky stuff)...you'll learn what you do to you, you do to others...love and accepting who you really are, marvelously made by God, whole and complete...you will love and accept others for who they really are, also. We can disapprove of actions and choices...we can love the person by choice.

You'll be amazed how lovable your H really is...as you clear the debris and nurture yourself.

I have a thread going here...right out of "Healing The Shame that Binds Us"...an exercise called "Owning All Your Villagers"...others are on a similar journey, Tish...being open and honest (O&H) which helps fill your EN for O&H and makes you safe to have H fill that EN, also...

Living abundantly doesn't take work...takes awareness.

I'm privileged to be a roadstop on your journey, Tish...Thank YOU.

LA