As my Plan B approaches I have decided to start a new thread to keep as a journal. For those who have not followed my situation, here is a brief history of an affair…

My WW returned to work from maternity leave in January of 2003 and worked in that role up to the summer of 2004 where she transferred to a different role. This is where she met her current best friend and OM who also happened to be good friends with this woman.

Initially, there were very small changes in her character and actions that should have been red flags to me, but I completely ignored at the time. My WW began to develop a closer and closer friendship with this woman and OM while slowly distancing herself from me, her family and old friends. She was always very frugal and was careful not to overspend, but slowly she began buying new clothes and new shoes. Around this time she also started to work out again and we bought a new treadmill for her to do so. Typically a size 6 to 8 she slowly reduced her stature to a size 0.

Then in December or 2004 I attended her Christmas party and met OM who happened to be sitting across from us at our table. From the second I met him something bothered me about him. I didn’t like the way he was looking at her and when I mentioned this to her she replied “you’re crazy”.

Slowly she was becoming increasingly agitated with me and started picking at the little things. One time she called me on the phone to lambaste me because I had not filled her car’s gas tank and when she did some gasoline spilled on her new boots. Her anger slowly grew and in response I began to withdraw from her. It seems there was nothing I could do to please her no matter how hard I tried.

I noticed she would come home from work and often plop her self on the couch and go to sleep. I couldn’t understand what happening and felt it was just part of the natural progression of a marriage. It came to a point where I began fantasizing about being with other women who treated me better.

She started going out with her friend more often and it bothered me because she was choosing to spend time with her over the family. Then sometime in March or April or 2005 I noticed she was acting differently during SF. Firstly, she never instigated and when I did she didn’t really want to kiss me as much. At that time the first thought of her having an affair crossed my mind but I rationalized myself out of it by saying she couldn’t do that to me….I was her husband!

During this time she also started going to work earlier and coming home later and my resentment grew as she continued to pull away from me and the family. At one point I asked her who she was dressing up for which got a stern look back from her. Then she spent over $700 in lingerie in May and started tanning with her friend. She started wearing toe rings and buying tighter fitting clothes.

She was saying things that typically would not come out of her mouth and her values had changed. Although I sensed something was not right I was in denial about it and continued on with my life.

Then, the morning after I returned from a week long business trip in early June and tried to cuddle her in bed she said the words that would change my life forever. She said “I feel funny around you”, and pulled away. I started questioning her and crying. I couldn’t understand how her feeling could change and I even asked if there was another man to which she quickly got out of bed and angrily said “I don’t want to talk anymore!”

I began to fall apart so I begged, cried and went into Plan A before I even knew about MB. I planned a getaway for us in early July as an attempt to reconnect with her but I still could feel something was amiss. Then, a few days later she blew up on me like I have never seen her do for putting my DD’s soccer uniform for wash. A few days after that she would come home from work and immediately call her friend and sometimes start to cry.

By that time I had found MB and everyone was pointing to an affair so I purchased a voice recorder and on July 20 recorded her phone conversation with her friend and that was my d-day. They talked about her leaving me and about how OM likes my WW. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and it stripped me to the core. I confronted her that night and she denied any R with OM and I suggested it was an EA to which she said they were “just friends”.

On July 25 I exposed to her family and work to which brought out the venom inside of her. I weathered that for a while and she was forced to take 4 weeks off work because of it. During those 4 weeks she actually started drawing closer to me and on August 20 we had what would be our last SF and it was great. So much so that she thanked me for it in the morning which also happened to be her first day back at work. From there it all went down hill as she renewed contact with OM and started picking at my faults while becoming increasingly angry and distant with me.

I pressured her into MC which was a complete waste of time as she was progressing with her EA/PA at the time. She straight out lied to me and the MC when asked if she was involved with OM. During this period in late September and early October she was at her WS worst. I just knew something was terribly wrong so I hooked up the voice recorder in her car and discovered her rendezvous with OM in a parking garage near their work. I was sick to my stomach and sometimes wish I never listened to that tape.

I confronted again and asked her to quit her job. Ultimately we agreed to a transfer which really didn’t stop contact so on November 11, I exposed PA to her family and she went crazy on me again.

In January 2006 I decided that Plan B was in order and we made preparations for a separation. She dragged her feet and for many months while looking for a place of her own and that brings us to the present where she will be moving into her new place on August 4th and our LSA is just about ready to be signed.

Plan A has gone on way to long and if I had know it would have taken this long to finalize a separation agreement I would have initiated this long ago. We don’t talk much anymore and are practically living separate lives while I await her departure.

Finally, I was succumbing to my own EA in June with a coworker that has since ended thanks to the help of many here. I now await my WW departure as I prepare to transition into Plan B.

HTW

HTW,

When I read stories like yours and others, I marvel at your patience and poise. I can not imagine living with a woman that was in the active throes of an A while I continued to be the loving H and father to the children. I guess it must be the children that give that kind of strength.

Hopefully the children stay with you and that you will not be giving even a penny towards her support(as a matter of fact I hope that you will press for CS in your LS agreement).

My prayers go with you

Cym,

Thanks, but in the last few months my Plan A has been less than stellar. I have basically withdrawn from my WW to protect myself from her actions and words. Dr. Harley suggests a 6 month Plan A and now I know exactly why.

In the past few months I have just tried to avoid LB'ers and cease being a doormat. That means standing up to the blame game and not accepting DJ's from her. The last time she tried a DJ a couple of months ago I made it absolutely clear that I would no longer tollerate that kind of treatment from her. Her attitue towards me has changed since this event.

Everything will be split 50/50 including legal and physical custody (no one get primary). I am staying the in home and don't expect to pay any child support. I may pay a small amount since I make more money than my WW.

HTW,
Finally a light at the end of the tunnel! I wish you peace. Now that the goal date is in sight do you have the strength for some positive interaction w/ your WW before she moves out. Nothing overboard...just a few little things so she will have something positive to think about? Can you help her move?

I know your interactions w/her have been strained to say the least. Think light house.

HTM,

I would fight even one penny going to her. My statement would be "Anything for my wife and not one penny for OM's mistress". If you still have hopes for your M, you need to make her hit bottom with a resounding thud. Any compassion on your part most probably will be seen as tacit approval for her actions.

Any Plan B worth doing is a plan worth doing extremely well.

CC, I have almost no energy left for positive interactions and those who have not been through this would not understand. It is a struggle but I will try to pick my spots.

What I have noticed over the last few months is that the edginess in her attitude has softened little by little. I used to get blamed for every little or perceived fault. That doesn't happen any more. It seemed the stronger I Plan A'ed the more she would resist and get angry.

It is extremely difficult to maintain Plan A leading up to a seperation as almost every issue can be a LB'er. I has drained me as you know and I'm looking for relief soon.

ChaCHa,

Please, why anything positive?????

This man has gone how many months in a Plan A while his WW frolics? The time for positive is waaaaaaaaaaaaay over.

This is an interesting comment since it seems to fly in the face of Plan A. However I have seen how this may work when I demanded that she return $1000 she hid from me to hire an attorney. She didn't like that very much, but I gave her the choice of returning the money or leaving a piece of furniture with equivalent value. She wasn't happy, but I'm glad I stuck to my guns.

Just last week she said that it wasn't "fair" that my lawyer was taking longer than expected to finalize my pension valuation and that I should be doing everything possible to facilite this. I then replied that it wasn't "fair" to me or the kids that she decided to have an adulterous office affair. Probably a LB'er but it was the truth so I didn't appologize for saying it.

Man you've come a long way HTW. Stand your ground and be counted.

I will update my situation later (long!!)

All the best in Plan B. Let the loser take care of ALL of her needs and let's see if he is the Superman she's cooked him up to be in her mind.

HTW,





In medicine we have a plan of action for most diseases and conditions that affect human beings. We tailor treatments to paths that have been proven to work. However if we follow those steps, we always judge future treatments by the response we get.

You got zippo with Plan A

Hi Hope,

I have just read your recap and think wow, how do these people live with themselves. You are a good man Hope and all I can do is wish you happiness for your future. Mark my words, she will regret this someday.

I can't remember, is OM married?

How long do you plan on staying in a legal separation before divorce?

Be good to yourself, you deserve it.
S.

Hi Shattered, thanks for dropping by...I'm awaiting your update.


OM is divorced (95% sure).



I'm thinking maybe 1 year, but I will have to see how I feel in 6 months. I'm not afraid of divorce anymore so if after 6 to 12 months I have fully withdrawn from my WW I will consider it then.

HTW:

The truth is not a LB. EVER. Remember that.

Cy: It's always good 2 be positive, and can't be a bad thing 2 do a kind (notice I didn't say "nice") ges2re by doing something like helping her move (but only if he can without hurting himself emotionally). Staying positive is for HTW's own benefit (because that's the kind of man he intends 2 be, regardless of what others do "to" him), then his kids, then maybe his WW, in that order.

His kindness won't be appreciated by his WW at this time, because right now she can't appreciate anything that doesn't justify her selfish choices. But someday it may. Hopefully before it no longer matters 2 HTW.

-ol' 2long

2long,

I disagree.Being "positive" is sometimes an excuse for saying c'mon hit me again. Reading his Plan A and his WW's action, the only thing positive she needs is to be positive that if she continues to act the same he will positively be gone.

The only time that it appears he got ANY respect is when he treated himself with respect. That is when she sat up and noticed. Why change the ONLY action that has worked.

2lomg, so much wisdom in this statement and it explains how she has withdrawn away from me, her family and old friends. It also explains how she has become best friends with her new friend as she is an enabler of her actions.


Cymanca is right with this comment and people shouldn't confuse this with being mean or rude. Instead it has to do with not accepting 100% blame anymore and standing up for myself. Previously, I would leave the room after one of her derogatory comments. Now I refuse to be treated that way and clearly convey this to her. I no longer tollerate crap and feel good about that.

And when you go DARK.....she will only perceive your "strength" when she starts to see that her A is immorale. My FWW said to me just the other day: "As soon as he started talking about the future, is when I realized that my life would be ruined. He thought I was just going to run into his arms and live happily ever after. We could never be like that.....the way we started."

Don't underestimate the EN's that are being filled now by you. It will be a HUGE wake-up call to her...though, with a good Plan B....you won't know about it. THEIR START, WILL ULTIMATELY END THE RELATIONSHIP, ONCE IT IS LEFT ON IT'S OWN!!!

It really does happen that way!!!! I gave my FWW 5 months of total "unpressured" freedom to seek out her "new" life. She turned tail on that "new" life, and is now grabbing my "lifeline". Unbelievable how it changes...just let it happen....No matter what this guy does....their R will always be scarred (A BIG SCAR!) by how they started....It is why these VERY RARELY work out!!! Let the LB's begin!!!!

As stated before...take care of YOU and the KIDS!!!! She will miss "the family" and that WILL be seen by OM.....then the fireworks WILL begin!!

Keep the MB pricipal "faith"!! The woman you have seen the last year can...and most likely will...disappear to the mothership!

MWIL

Cy: I don't think we disagree as much as you may think. Maybe not at all.

What I envision here is more like Guy Pettit's definition of loving unconditionally. He states:

"To truly love in this way could include:

· To call forth a sense of responsibility, and a capacity to make wise choices.

· To point out weaknesses people have, - but very caringly so that the best in the person is drawn forth in response, rather than resistance.

· To challenge people to strive and attain, and discover their true selves..

· To help people work on their habits and weaknesses so that they become stronger. To show them how to use their will correctly.

· To help people learn to cooperate, and thus to overcome their little egos.

· To engage people in working for humanity.

· To teach people how to overcome their prejudices, resentments, separative tendencies, vanities, illusions, and other blocks to their own joy.

To truly love in this way does NOT mean:

· To surrender to weakness.

· To accept things that are harmful.

· To encourage weakness or irresponsibility.

· To accept dirt or ugliness in thought, feeling or action.

· To exploit or use people.

· To put people into sleep.

· To tolerate laziness."



I'm sure it's still possible for a WS in their fog 2 interpret this kind of kindness as justification, but the BS loving in this manner isn't expecting anything from the WS in re2rn - in fact acknowledges that the WS CAN'T be truly loving in re2rn. And if he don't expect any re2rn, he can't be disappointed.

-ol' 2long

I guess this where the fantasy meets reality and is probably one of the best tools for getting through the fog.


I'm not sure if the PA is still ongoing, but I'm quite sure there is still contact. She probably still has OM placed on a pedestal in her little fantasy world and once I'm out of the picture that is when he begins to look more normal. I understand what you are saying here.


This is why it is destined to failure...100% certain. She will not be able to handle this for the long term.


She may miss the family, but I don't know if that will be enough to bring her back to the M.

MWIL, you've gained so much insight over the past year and I expect you will help many people here with that knowledge.

I guess maybe I didn't explain "positive" interactions well. I DID NOT mean HTW should chase her around with flowers begging her to stay. Time for her to leave is WAY overdue.She needs to live the reality of the consequences of her A. HTW has probably been doing what I was thinking of all along, being a good man...being respectful...being a good Dad. It just they have been living in limbo for so long, existing in the same space you can't help but detach for self preservation.

I have always felt a good plan A (not doormat plan A) is one where you value yourself and your role in the household and fill that role to the best of your ability. Plan B to truely effective needs to be DARK. I think some good negotiations for plan B can be made BEFORE plan B actually starts, especially when kids are involved. Scheduling and pick up and drop off always seem to be a problem. So if you can get those kind of details set up prior that is a great benefit. Not to tip the plan B card...but to ensure darkness. If you start of exchanging kids one way and then totally change that when you go to plan B it decreases your chances for darkness. It is easier to work out those kind of details if there is not a lot tension. That may be in your separation agreement as I am sure the financial stuff is.

My DS is 6 years old today and I bought him a junior golf set so he can gold with his dad <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> He is a great son and I'm extremely lucky to be his father.

My WW asked me if I would like to take the kids to McD's for dinner as it would be a treat for my DS...I accepted.