Hi HopeThisWorks,

I'm working on my separation agreement but I'm "ready" emotionally to let go.

If you're still holding on to hope for a possible recovery with you WS some day I agree with ChaCha's remarks. Be kind to yourself and your spouse. I think being respectful and loving of yourself first is #1. This isn't accomplished with spite for your spouse. I've discovered it is acknowledging the respect and love that everyone deserves and you would expect nothing less for or from your WS or children etc. etc.

I have found that in order to truly "let go" and treat my WS with respect and love I first had to stop hoping that I could control the future or influence it. I have given it over to God and seek his guidance and care for all of us. I no longer invest myself in being able to change my spouse.

Now that I'm at this point I have found peace and it is important to me to demonstrate to my WS and children this peace. I know I'll always be challenged (everyday) but that will keep life interesting.

If the result is that my WS chooses to try to make us work...it will be because of divine guidance and a free choice my WS makes.

I'm telling you my perspective on my situation in case it could be helpful to you in anyway and it should not be intrepreted as a criticism of your situation. Each situation is uniquely it's own with it's own solutions. Obviously my faith is what has pulled me through and will carry me on.

Strongest

HTW, a possible scenario and why a GOOD Plan A works...
it's planting a seed.

Over the next few weeks, you help her out, you ask her waht she needs, you rub her feet and shoulders after a day of packing, you tell her it hurts to see her go but know this is what has to happen for her.

You help her load the last of her boxes into her love shack, then you don't see her again.

She calls the OM and asks if he wants to come over, see her new place, help her unpack. He comes over, she fixes dinner after unpacking the dinner dishes, it is just fantastical. He leaves. She spends the next few days unpacking. When she calls him to come over to help he either bows out or comes over only to put the unpacking on hold.

Over time she realizes OM is not helping her build a household, or if he is, he is doing it by HIS rules. He comes over when the work is done, or leaves when the work is started. She thinks back to HTW and remembers how he helped pitch in, doing the hard work even though he wasn't getting anything out of it.

She begins to compare OM to HTW and the OM will pale in comparison...

You give her the best picture of yourself...NO LB's allowed, need fulfillment even though you are getting nothing back. You are planting seeds for fruit later...

Strongest, I'm in the process of letting go although I have not completey done so yet. There is still alot of anger and resentment that I need to process. I find the more I talk to friends and family about it, the more it accelerates the healing process.

SHMI, I will treat her as I do most people, however I won't go above and beyond. She has seen what I am capable of and knows the type of person I am. The issues that require addressing are within her and until she takes a very hard and honest look at herself, she won't recover personally or within a relationship. I have already come to terms with my demons to address my faults.

I have noticed that she has gradually softened over the last several months. I remember when she was at her WS worst sometime last fall. At that time I could do no right and I was at my Plan A best. She would pick and justify herself even at the smallest of infractions.

It is different now, however I'm not sure why. Maybe it is because she sees the end of our M in sight and is relieved by that...not sure. She is still cold and distant, but it is not the spiteful, angry distance that I was exposed to several months ago. No more criticizms of me and no more sarcasm.

Just some observations on my part as I countdown these last couple of weeks.

Hope,

I see no point of going above and beyond how you treat a stranger. You've have put up with enough crap from your WW. She deserves no more extra kindness from you.

On the other hand, from a spiritual perspective you could be extra kind to her, but then again she would nly abuse your kindness. Not a clear solution.

This really is a funny game isn't it? If I really pour on the care and kindness she becomes more entitled, whereas if I pull back she mellows and is less indignant.

Last night we took the kids out to dinner and everything was civil. I really don't like talking to her much because practically all of our conversations consist of seperation details and logistics. I can't remember the last time we just talked about our day or normal stuff.

Less than 2 weeks until Plan B and I will be seeing my lawyer tomorrow to hopefully have the LSA signed. I feel anxious but hopeful that I can finally move on with my life and start to regain some enery back.

I let my neighbor know that my WW will be moving out in two weeks and he was shocked but supportive. He also said "I'm glad you're the one who is staying in the house", since he noticed how my WW has slowly changed over the past couple of years.

I guess the part about all of this that really upsets me is how business-like mike WW has been through all this.

That is it for now...

HTW

Hi Hope,

The end is near. Sending you lots of positive energy for tomorrow. Be strong.

S.

That is EXACTLY what hurt the worst, near the end, just before WW had moved out.....the business like nature she was operating.....THIS IS GOOD!!! It is her way of numbing her own pain that she is choosing to ignore.....when she is gone.....it will only eat at her even more!!!!

But let it be....you've done what you can do. The last thing I did before WW left, was gave her a single rose, and wished her luck.....no tears....and a "friendly hug with friendly pats" It demonstrated to her I was OK and moving on....then I went to Plan B for 2 weeks....and then you know the rest....

It worked for me.....but everyone's sitch. is different of course..
MWIL

HTW,
Hope things went well w/ the LSA today.


My FWH was the same way, very matter of fact like...almost robotic. When he left I hugged him (he did not return hug) then I looked him in the eye and told him to take good care of himself. He said" Don't worry I will." I thought it was completely over. I thought he was void of feeling or any emotion for me. Less than 1 month into plan B....his tune changed.

Remember plan B is to let reality sink in for her and to give you some peace after all this stress and turmoil and allow you to heal. As you know my plan B was WAY overdue as well and my LB was on fumes. Ya just never know.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Shattered, MWIL, CC, thanks for stopping by.

I saw my lawyer today and we went over the LSA that my WW's lawyer had sent to us. We are making WW do all the leg work and absorb the costs <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> since this is what she wants.

Just some fine tuning and if WW is fine with it, I expect to have it ready for signing on Jul 31.

Here are the highlights;

- Shared legal & physical custody (1 week each / 1 night visitaion)
- No Child support either way
- I retain matrimonial home and she gets half the value
- splitting of furniture
- After Aug 18 she no longer has any legal right to enter my home

After that I visited my bank and had my mortgage approved for refinancing. Everything looks good there.

SO I feel better today that all the details are slowly being taken care of and the end is in sight.

I've received tremendous support from family and friends which has helped a great deal.

I also have many plans for the first few weeks to keep me occupied and should help make the transition to Plan B somewhat easier. I will miss her I'm sure even though we are currently living seperate lives.

So this upcoming weekend will be our last weekend together under the same roof.

Any suggestions on what to expect the first few days of Plan B?

Thanks guys!

HTW

Update&#8230;.

I took my kids away for a brief two day get away to my brother's cottage and we had a great time. They had so much fun that they didn't want to return home. It gave me a chance to relax on the beach for a couple of days and just unwind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

On the second day I received a call from my WW who was upset that I hadn't made the kids call her. When she asked my DS why he didn't call he said it was because he was having so much fun. I then checked my voicemail and she had left 6 messages about wanting to talk to the kids. She was becoming increasingly agitated after each message. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I don't know what she expects when the kids are with me for a week at a time.

We are slowly talking to each other again even if it is only a little as much of the animosity due to the separation process has mostly ended now that we know most of the details. She has really mellowed lately and been a much nicer person to be around.

Today my DD asked my WW for what seemed like the umpteenth time if she was mad at her because she has this angry expression on her face most of the time. Later, when my WW talked nicely to her she said &#8220;mommy, I like when you talk like that&#8221;, to which my WW promised her she would try to talk nicely to her from now on. I think it upsets my WW to hear her kids tell her she looks and sounds angry most of the time. They have never said that to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

So I definitely noticed that she is being a nicer person lately, but still has this wall built up (as do I) around her. The acute anger that was clearly evident last fall and winter is mostly gone. I don&#8217;t get blamed for every little thing anymore, or big things for that matter. I have a feeling that her A with OM is over although they are probably still in contact. She doesn&#8217;t&#8217; go to work as early as she used to and she leaves her purse and work bag at home with me while she is out which she would never have done several months ago. It is these little signals and a gut feeling that tell me the A is over, the same way I had a feeling something wasn&#8217;t right many months ago. No expectations here, just some observations.

I helped her move some very heavy boxes upstairs today while she was out and prepared a tool box full of tools that she will take with her to her new home. The thanked me for that.

So by this time next week she would have moved out. I don&#8217;t know what to expect and will miss my kids dearly when they are with their mom.

Hope-

expect to feel lonely and depressed. Expect to miss her. Expect that this is all normal.

As you detatch from her it will help you, it is all about you. You may become more attractive to her...but at the same point she may likely become less attractive to YOU!

I wish you the best...you kno wwhere I am at....drop me a line when you need to...

HTW

Glad to hear you are finally getting to Plan B. It seems you have almost everything covered BUT what about something in the LSA that says that the OM (other's) not related by blood or marriage cannot be around the children or at least overnight? Did you consider or make arrnagements for this?

Hang in there my friend!

Good job.

When she leaves you will have a rollercoaster of emotions ( I did/do any way). You will miss her at times and wonder what she is doing. You will feel relieved at times not having to live w/ all that tension. You will miss your kids when they are with her...plan project to keep yourself busy. Enjoy the quiet. You will be happy when you get your kids back. When things get hectic you will get frustrated. Use this time to focus on yourself, reconnect w/ old MALE friends. Get tickets to a game. Rearrange the furniture to be "guy friendly" make the house "yours".

I wish you peace.

Perfect advice, CC. This is the part, Hope, where your emotions (for a bit) will go all over the place. FORCE yourself to do those things that you've always loved to do. Eventually the joy will come back. Demonstrate (as much as can be done in Plan B) to WW that YOU are strong!! Show her that YOU don't NEED her.... And FEEL that within yourself!!

I was shocked at the turn around in my FWW....both on D-day when she felt "dead inside" and to the more pleasant turn around over the last 2 months!! She is mine again!! And yours could be too!!! Hang tough....it's of course not a guarentee, but this is the time she will experience the most pain from this....don't be a part of it, for you'll get the brunt of it again...IT IS "THEIR PAIN" THAT IS WITHIN THEMSELVES THAT IS PROJECTED TOWARD US!!!! (It is what my FWW has told be recently! And of course, thanks to MB....I already knew that!!)

Keep posting, but don't obsess...I found that when I back from the boards a bit.....I was able to detach a bit more from the sitch.....but ALWAYS come back, when you need a bit of advice or "pick-me-up"!

God Bless...
MWIL

What you can expect in Plan B? You will find MANY opportunities to contact her, many excuses, and SHE will find many excuses to contact you...do not get sucked in, neither do not allow yourself to contact her...

How to keep from doing that? Go to movies whereyou have to turn the cell phone off. Visit friends and do not answer your phone...let all calls go to voice mail... Answer back, if you have to, via email or txt.

Do you have a plan about when you will contact each other? How often?

No, the children do not HAVE to call their mom when they are with you, neither should you keep them from it...leave it up to them...

What is your plan about contacting each other about hte kids...do NOT have face to face or phone conversations unless you absolutely HAVE to...

One thing I want to warn you about...as your name implies...Plan B is not a manipulation or trick or a scheme to get her to DO anything. Plan B is all about removing yourself from the hurt, to hold onto the love you have (which maybe lost already) and allows her time to see what life is like without you...a pretend D.

Do not go into this with an expectation other than giving you time to heal and finding that love you have for her. It may be gone (I hope not) and if it is...so be it...if it is not, hold onto it with both hands and do NOT have contact with her. Every time you have contact that remaining love will be eroded away...

Sendme, it's funny you state this since I find myself feeling this way lately. I know now that I don't NEED her in my life to be happy and I can manage without her just fine. I would like to have her in my life as my W, but I don't need her as my WW.

Yesterday she called me over to question some figures in the LSA. She feels she is owed more money by me, but I let her know that both lawyers surely can't be wrong. She started raising her voice and I defended my position. A couple of minutes later she appologized for raising her voice to me. These little acts of humble pie did not exist in her vocabulary a few months ago and it is times like these that I see my old W again.

She also bought me a coffee for the first time in several
months.


I sure did hap! Kids are not permitted to be in the prescence of friends of the opposite sex for both WW and myself for 1 year. No overnight stays without consent from other spouse.

CC, I have many plans to keep myself busy once my WW leaves. My house requires an overhaul which will occupy most of my time and I have had many invitations from friends and family.

MWIL, I got the "dead" feeling from my WW not long after d-day and it was a shock to me also. I didn't know at the time that she was deep into EA and possibly into PA by then also. As for showing her that I don't need her, this will become clearly evident to her once she leaves and she doens't here or see me. Do you think your situation would have been different it you stayed in Plan B from the start?

SHMI, There is no plan in place about when we will contact each other and how often. In my Plan B letter it clearly states that she should only contact me with issues concerning the kids or in an emergency. I asked that she do this via email or to leave a message on my cell.

To answer you question in your quote, I have no idea....I only thank God I called SH. But in my sitch, the OM self destructed, and as my FWW put it just the other day: "He didn't hold a stick to you".....brought tears to my eyes! It was validation of ME......and I was able to demonstrate that to her via the MB principals that really, came natural to me. You are in that same position. I have much HOPE for your sitch. HTW!!!

OK, over the next couple of days talk with her about what IS appropriate contact and what ISN'T.

For instance...if she has an issue with sending son over with mismatched socks...this is NOT an issue. IF school calls her because they couldn't reach you about a conference...this IS an issue, but doesn't need any REQAL reply or face to face talk from you...

I guess you can spell these things out in your Plan B. SHe WILL use ANY excuse to keep in contact with you. And if you told her it was the kids that will keep you in contact, she will use the kids to stay in contact...