Well I just received a voice mail at my work from my WW wanting to know how the kids were doing since she hasn't spoken to them all day. She said she sent me an email but hasn't heard back from me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

She also said she wants to come up with a plan where we can get the kids to call each parent in the morning when they are with the other parent.

Her voice sure sounded a little shaky and there is a part of me that feels sorry for her since I was feeling the same way this time last week <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Edited to add: I want to email her to let her know the kids are fine and that they will call her tonight. Comments?

ut oh, reality is sinking in, isn't it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> oooooooooooh noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

I would just email her and let her know the kids are fine. Why doesn't she just call over there herself, I wonder.

Mel, I sent her an quick email letting her know the kids are fine and I will remind them to call her tonight.

Like me, I know she really misses those runts! I feel bad for her.

HTW

update...

Tuesday night I was out with the kids having a great time when my cell phone rings at about 8:00pm. I was my WW so I didn't answer and she subsequently left a voice mail that said "it's 8:00 and I haven't spoken to the kids yet...this is unacceptable!". I was planning on having the kids call her when we got home.

I don't feel I should have to interupt my evening out with the kids when she calls. I don't mind her calling when we are at home, but when I'm out with them it bothers me.

Wednesday was visitation night for my WW and the kids and when I went to pick them up afterwards I was looking and smelling good. She on the other hand looked tired.

So tomorrow my Plan B begins when I give her the letter. I'm a little anxious about what to expect and to see if she will try to breack NC.

Do you think it would be a good idea to change your cell number while in Plan B?

Perhaps if you decide that's a good idea or not, you can write in something in your letter before tomorrow.

It's just a question...I know I would be doubtful becasue if something happen to the kids while they are with her she wouldn't be able to contact you...Or in case of emergency does she contact your contact person?

"I'm a little anxious about what to expect and to see if she will try to breack NC."

Expectation and fear of the unknown...uhm...Do you think that you can focus on one day at a time and not tomorrow or the next or the next? I know this is a difficult task...one day at a time, HTW...I have to remind myself frequently...and to think I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder...LOL...maybe someday I won't! LOL

Remember here and now...not yesterday and tomorrow...you can do this...you have been...I believe in you!

Hey Hope,

Good luck today! You can do this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Rin, I won't change or block her number for that reason, however I will not pick up if she call and instead let it go to voicemail.

All the details have been sorted out and I expect there to be some areas where I may need to contact her (i.e. vacations with kids, school issues, etc). I will address these through her sister.

The letter is ready and my biggest worry is that it will have ZERO effect on her. I just don't see her responding to NC with me as she just seems to want to be alone anyway.

Regardless, it will help protect the little bit of love I have left for her since every contact with her seems to be a LB from her.

Shattered, good to hear from you and I've noticed you have been posting more lately...that's great.

I have mixed emotions with this Plan B letter since it makes me feel weak and strong at the same time. Weak in the sense that I'm still holding out for her after all she has done and strong that I will no longer allow her to take me down.

HTW ---
Could you consider getting your kids their own cell phone?
Like one of those Disney Firefly phones?
They are age-appropriate for your kids, only takes phone calls from 5 (I think..) pre-arranged numbers.
Its programmed to show "Call from Mom" "Call from Dad" etc.
I think a Mom Button lights up when the call is from Mom.

That way there will be no reason for her to contact your cell phone at all.
I think that is where she will try to take advantage of you. When you are out and about, she will be calling your phone to talk to the kids.

Everyone thinks Plan B is going to have no effect, or that their WW will be happy about it. I assure you that is not the case!!! It will have a HUGE impact, you just won't be seeing it!
This shatters the fantasy that divorce is no big deal, everybody will be the best of friends, blah blah blah!
Its a big shot of reality. WW's love to make separations and divorce all cozy and cordial "for the kids"....really its to ease their guilty conscience.
Standing up for yourself like this is a really strong move. It will shake up her fantasy.

Hope, I think you will do great. Just be prepared for an onslaught of manipulation to get you to break Plan B. And you can expect her to use the kids to manipulate you.

Who is your intermediary and do they understand the goal here? The goal is only to pass on PERTINENT INFORMATION. NOT to act as a coach or an representive of your W. It is not uncommon for an intermediary to try and intervene and screw up your Plan B when the WS successfully manipulates them into thinking that you "can't solve your problems if don't speak to one another!" There are many occasions here where an intermediary actively sought to undermine and break Plan B by DEBATING with the BS about its validity.

So, is your intermediary someone who

a) understands Plan B and your mission and

b) knows just to pass on PERTINENT information and not nonsense like "bring Sally's pink shoes when you come"

c) will screen out the wheat from the chaff and keep contact to an absolute BARE MINIMUM

d) will not interfere or attempt to COACH you or undermine your Plan B

Hope, did you take out that paragraph in your letter?

Dear WW,

I have loved you every minute of every day that we have spent together, even when I was most hurt by your relationship with another man. I see now that my not showing you how much I loved you drove a wedge into our marriage. You must know that I never intended to hurt you or push you away from me.

I want to remain married to you. As much as I want this you have made it clear that you don’t and as long as you feel this way I cannot be a part of your life while you still may be involved with another man and feel the need to have a separate life without me. It is simply too painful. Continued contact with you has the potential of destroying my love for you and I don't want that to happen.

Remove this---------> So I am requesting that you not contact me except for important matters concerning our kids or an emergency. You may do this through email or by leaving a message on my cell phone. [put in something like this: "So I am requesting that you not contact me except for EMERGENCIES. All other PERTINENT matters that cannot be avoided, should be directed toward my intermediary, Joe Blow, who will then pass it on to me."]

Can you take out this sentence ----------> If you get to the point where you want to give "us" another try

This puts the power in HER HANDS, when it is really all in your hands. She has to do certain things to GET YOU to the point where you will consider giving her another try. It is not up to her, but YOU NOW.

Instead, can you word it something like this:

I will be willing to discuss restoring our friendship and marriage, once you have ended your relationship with OM completely. If you can assure me there is no other man in your life, I would be open to discuss building a new marriage where we can be happy together and as a family, but I will need to know you are committed to our marriage. Until that time please respect my wishes and do not contact me.

Love,
BS

OK – This might sound so 80’s...

I don’t think it in any way harms the kids or stunts their growth if they do not hear from one parent while spending time with the other. Although a nice custom and one that might be endearing both to the parent and the child I think the potential for pain and the opening for argument this habit opens up is counterproductive.

The decision to separate does lead to different relationships with the kids. That’s just an unavoidable consequence. So I suggest that when the kid’s are with you they are with you. When they are with WW they are with WW. Neither you nor she calls them. They can call you if they want to but are not told to do so or forced in any way.

Now – another thought. Why is WW making such an issue of this? I would suggest the following: She can get interaction with you. Even if it’s negative interaction then it is interaction. It’s quite common for people to fall into “unhealthy” communication patterns with known negative effects. It’s like when someone knows exactly the right buttons to push. The positive with this is that IF WW was so totally over this marriage as she says she would not find a need to press the button. She would at best feel indifferent to you.

Stick to a dark Plan B. Stop phoning the kid’s to wish the good night. Tell them that every evening you say a prayer for them and let that suffice. Believe me – people have been around parenting and doing a good job of it a lot longer than phones have been around!

Bigger- I agree with you...I don't think it will kill them...

HTW-how are you going to handle that? Will you be talking to the kids when they are at WW's house or will you just wait until they come home to communicate?

You seem to have everything in a line and I admire the things you have done thus far. Your confidence level from the first time I read your post has changed so much.

I understand that you are nervous but I really think that you are going to be great!

You have the kids this week right? How has that been for you? Did you have fun with them?

Last night, the boys and I went to the store and on the way home we pretended that the truck was our spaceship. We went through the black hole and a meteor shower. LOL We also had to put on our spacesuites before we got out of the truck! LOL It was a good laugh!

Lex, I have looked into the kids phone and it is an extra expense that I could do without right now. What I also don't like about it, is it gives my WW the ability to call the kids anytime and that includes when they are out with me. I don't want my WW talking to my kids for extended periods when they are out with me since it ruins our night out together. She will most surely use it to call them many times throughout the day when they are with me.

If she calls my cell when I'm with the kids, I will not answer it.

Mel, my intermediary is my SIL (WW's sister). I asked her since both my WW and I still have a good relationship with her and she has not tried to get involved in our situation so I expect the same with her through my Plan B.

I find that not many people outside of MB really understand what Plan B really is. Most think Plan B is just cutting off all contact with no goal or reconciliation so when you tell them it is to protect the love you have for the WS they don't quite get it.

I will talk to her about only passing along pertinent information, but she may feel she is taking sides if my WW starts to be mean to her (as she is sometimes) becasue she doens't send everything through to me.

I'm almost certain that she will not try to coach me during Plan B since it is not her style.

Mel, I like that change to the Plan B letter since that was the part that made me feel weak. The way you have worded it gives me 100% control and makes me feel much stronger.

I had it all written out but will sit down and prepare a new letter with that change to it.

bigger, I like the prayer idea with the kids and although it will hurt me not to talk to them every night, I know I can get by. I have let the kids know they can call me anytime when they are with their mom whether it is a work, home or on my cell...they are always #1. I will continue to remind them of this.

Cin, I hope they call me when they are with WW since I don't plan on calling her house to talk to them even though it will pain me not to.

This week was a wonderful time alone with the kids. I got to do things with the kids that I wanted to do and didn't have to worry about keeping my WW happy. I feel so much calmer and relaxed in my own home with them and I am in control of their daily routine. I feel so much more empowered now. I no longer feel rushed when I do things.

I need to rewrite my letter now...

HTW

I agree that she can't expect to be in constant communication with the kiddos when they are in your care. If something were to happen, she has to trust that you are responsible and you would let her know. You DON'T have to concur with her on every little decision you make while they are in your care, only major decisions need discussion. That is the fallout of divorce, too bad she didn't think of that sooner.

You know, I am thinking she might chill on this some in the future. This is all new, to both of you. You are navigating unchartered waters at this point. She just moved out like a week or two ago right? She is probably not used to not seeing the kids for periods of time, just like you are not used to it. All of this is going to require an adjustment period.

I haven't responded to your thread before. I just noticed it and wanted to tell you you are doing great, all things considered.

Hope....this is a day you looked forward to....and your self doubt is normal. This is all about you.

Do not expect to see any reaction from her. My plan, that happened without knowledge of MB, was so effective that I did not see the effect it was having on her, ONLY ME. See I had resolved myself that we were done...and was moving on....so I am warning you do not look for any impact on her.

She will become angry when you "won't discuss children"...

she will become angry when they're not available at her beckon call...

she will become angry, when she has issues that you will not respond to...they will include:
childcare
school
bedtime
colds
accidents
bumps and bruises
behavior issues

Look, my youngest seriously cut himself one night and as I rushed him to hospital had a flash of "she doesn't need to come"...then thought better of it because he was hurt badly....then to add drama I am driving by her house anyways and tell her I will get her, in seconds, only to have her secret PA with coworker be exposed as I beat him for "being in that house"....it was a great night...NOT

Look buddy, this is about YOU....and when you REALLY, REALLY stop caring about what she thinks, is doing, says, etc....it is working....you will be fine....

see you care about what she will think of Plan B....I say who cares, my bet is she will be spiteful and manipulative in order to have impact on YOU...do not let it happen....

My thoughts are with you today.

I think you are ready for this. You know what you have to do and I think you have a good plan to do it. It'll be tough not talking to the kids. What if she calls you while they are with her? I would just hang up if its not the kids on the line.

Have you told the kids that you don't want to speak to her?

fc, I agree that she will probably calm down with as time moves on. She no longer needs to know what I make them for dinner or if they had a bath now that I'm in Plan B.

Send me, your posts always help me stay focused and that is what I need right now. I still haven't accepted the fact that Plan B is for me and that means not caring at all what my WW thinks anymore. I will get there.

CC, if she calls me when the kids are with her I will simply hang up the phone. No talking required at this point.

I haven't told the kids yet since I didn't want them to leak my Plan B to my WW yet. I will tell them when I see them on Wednesday.

The revised Plan B is letter is ready and sealed for delivery tonight. I know she will spin this as me being spiteful or mean and not taking the kids best interest at hand.

The time has arrived and I'm ready...

HTW

All the best to you HTW. I will be praying for you and your children and yes, even your WW.

Well my WW came by to pick up the kids and I gave her my Plan B letter. I couldn't really look at her too much and left after saying goodbye to my kids.

So that's it...I'm officially in Plan B and will concentrate on ME now.

Thanks everyone!

Carry on, Soldier!! I am so very happy this day has arrived. For your sake and for your kids, sake, Hope. I know this won't be easy, but after the first few weeks you will begin to feel a peace that you haven't felt in months. I am very relieved you are finally here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


How about telling her that the purpose of Plan B is to protect the remaining love you have for WW and that you need to be protected as much as possible? Explain to her how very traumatic it has been this past year living with this and how much you need to be removed from her angry tirades, disrespect and demands. Becasue of this, you would appreciate it if she only passed on really important things regarding the kids [and NOT "send Sally's pink shoes!"]. Ask her to use her judgement and protect you from anything other than absolutely essential information about the kids.