I've been through an affair and failed marriage before. I never thought it could happen to me again. But it has... and it's so much worse this time.

My husband is in the military. So is the other woman. They work in the same building. I had been aware of "something" for a while. I was VERY pregnant with a difficult pregnancy and this opened the door for the affair. He has to go on assignment several times a year, as does she, with the entire group. This is when the initial encounters occurred. Now it happens here in town. She is under him in rank, and if exposed, this will cause some major problems for everyone.

I'd asked several times about her and if he was involved, but every time the answer was no. He even was with her DAYS before I gave birth. The only times I ever got honesty was when he'd had too much to drink. And there was always more to find out. The only time he finally admitted to a full fledged affair was when I finally broke into his email and threw his own words back in his face.

Unfortunately, I've all but completely eliminated my methods of checking up on him. He's always been in charge of the bills and up until recently, I knew the passwords. WHen I decided to check, they were changed. So he knew that I'd snooped when the passwords were changed back.

I have told him that in order to stay, he MUST never talk to her again. That he has to leave or she has to (the group). Even under threat of exposure to his commanding officer. He has continued to call her, even while expressing how much he wants to work things out with me.

I confronted him with the affair. He begged forgiveness. He also admitted to being in love with her. And that it was over. I called her and told her to leave him alone... or I will destroy her and his careers. That hasn't stopped them... he continues to call her. Today, I confronted him with the phone calls again... he finally admitted to continuing to call her. But I don't believe a word he says now. I've thrown him out and given him a week to decide whether or not he wants us as a family (3 kids) or if he wants her. If he chooses her, then I will be forced to file and expose everything. Since this is military, it's potentially a LOT worse. And anything I do will affect the family in such a bad way. Granted, this is as bad as it can get. But if I choose to expose this AND he decides to stay, then his future would be in dire straights. So, I'm protecting him only in the respect that it will desperately impact ME.

I admit that I didn't meet certain needs. We had stopped doing things together and that was the beginning... but now he doesn't even want me around. I've tried to be part of his "fun" things, but he doesn't want me there... says he does, but he acts as if I'm a burden.

I want this to work, badly. I want my husband BACK. But I don't know if he will choose me, and our family.

Welcome to MB.

I am not an expert. I hope some more experienced people will give you more advice.

There are several threads in the General Questions section that include Military people.

All I can advise you is:
Read MB site. Really, it helps a lot.
Read Surviving an Affair.

And start a Plan A... about exposure... expose to family, close friends, etc... not sure how it works on the Military. If you don't get much response here, post in General Question, more traffic.

How long are you married?
How old are your kids?
How long is the A?
When was your d-day?
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"says he does, but he acts as if I'm a burden."
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Don't take this to heart. He's a WS, he needs you to be the bad guy to justify his A, his own betrayal on his values.

He will try to blame you for the A... Don 't let him dod it. You may have "problems" issues in you marriage, but it does not justifies the Affair.

Trhow him out was not such a good idea for MB principals... but nothing is lost. You still have hope to save your Marriage.

Plan A.

Be strong and take care of yourself.

Jump on over to general questions II when you have a chance. There are lots of people there that know about the military and affairs.

The best way to get your husband back is for the affair to end. The best way to end the affair is to expose them.

Hang in there. Things will get better. But I think you are going to have to choose between losing your marriage and exposing them.

Ok... I've implemented Plan A. He's back home (under the condition that it is OVER with her). He's told her that it is... and he looked like a lost puppy that day. I'm trying to make his home a happy place to be and I'm trying to be the best wife I can.

Exposure... He's telling his father. If he hasn't, then I will be. His father is the only one who WILL get through to him. Can't at work... too much of a consequence there. WAY too much and I HAVE to think of my children first. It would get waaaaayyyy ugly.

lost: I've been looking at the other boards. Thank you. to answer your questions:
How long are you married? 7 years
How old are your kids? 13, 5, 7mths
How long is the A? #1 was about 6 months, #2 began in Feb. ended (again) Tuesday.
When was your d-day? July 4th

I know it isn't justification for his A, but this all started (#1) while I was on strict bedrest with last pregnancy. No sex. Not that I even wanted to. But by the time I could, he wasn't interested anymore.

We are trying to spend as much of his free time together. Even spending lunch dates together. Recreation... together. He's actively trying. But, since she is still in his building (military...) I feel as if we have to start over DAILY from the withdrawal. No, there is NO chance of us leaving. It really isn't an option. She's put in for a transfer, but I don't know if that will even happen. Short-staffed.

He's trying... at least from what I can see.

This is what is rough about military affairs. So much can be at stake. (careers, rank, pay)

My H had an affair with a soldiers (to make it worse, while he was deployed) wife. I did not tell this man when I found out about the A for the same reasons as you.

One thing I was able to do is find out as much info as possible about her, her husband and any other family members. Phone numbers, unit, jobs, extended family members, address. Do you have an AKO account? If not your husband can sponser you so you can get one. You can look up this womans name on there and get some info on her there (if she has an account). Save ANY proof you have of their affair, keep it in a very safe place.

I let the OW know exactally what I know about her and what proof I have of the A she had with my H. I let her know that if there is any contact I will expose her to her entire family. In my situation her inlaws live here and I also know where they work-along with their phone numbers. I know her H's unit, AKO email addy, his cell number...and so on.

Is this woman married? If so, is her husband military? If not your H needs to tell you where he works.

What rank is your H, what rank is she? At some point you may have no other choice but to expose them, even if it means your H losing a rank. That may not even happen, they may just make sure the two work in different places. His career will NOT be ruined...at the most he would lose a rank and be moved, but in most cases they move the lower rank. If you can speak to someone else who is military (and higher rank than your husband) and get some feedback.

I have to tell you that I now regret not biting the bullet and telling the ow's H about what she did. It would of made our recovery a lot easier. AND, why should she get away with what she did?

I'm so scared of exposing him... he JUST promoted. I believe that OW's H will expose or leave her if he knows, which would open yet another door for WH to leave ME. I'm in Plan A right now. If things do not improve at the end, I'm worried that I will have to go to his superior and tell them. I'm guessing that might fall under Plan B.

I've just spoken to his father. His father knew something was wrong... and knew about the OW, but not to the extent that it is. So, his father is going to talk to him. Any other family member would just make things a WHOLE lot worse and do more damage than good.

Again, I'm in Plan A. He's home. He's trying... by all appearances. I believe he is working toward R. But again, she is TDY to a nearby base (1 1/2 hours away) and will be back in the building by next week or the week after. So, the problem will arise again the moment he sees her. A #1 is completely over and there is no chance of renewal there. A#2 is the one that we are currently struggling with. There are emotions tied up in there. The last one didn't have those.

So, I'll take it one day at a time. I'm loving him. But treating him as an addict in withdrawal and hopefully recovery. If God gives me back the broken man, I'll take him But if God chooses (or WH chooses) to let him leave, then I'm prepared. Sucks, but I'm having to face that reality if he does. For now, he's chosen us.

How about asking your H to go to marriage counciling (post chaplin is someone who you could speak to that has no reason to take either side and it is completely confidential)? Download free keylogger on your computer so if he does change the passwords or creates a new email account you will know.

I would be very worried once this woman comes back to work. As of now she has not had to suffer for her actions. She can behave however she wishes.

Protect yourself as much as you can with as much info as you can get!

I've got a MC appt set for the 11th (summer and all...). We are going on a golf date tomorrow and spending some quality time together next week.

I've still snooped. I've discovered (not surprisingly) that a trip out of town was a weekend with her. Credit card statements prove that AND the friend was more than surprised when I asked.

I've downloaded keylogger, but I have no clue as how to use it. Sad, since I'm pretty computer literate.

I'm focusing on the FUTURE. Trying to look at how would I be if I were dating him. What would he want in a wife? What did he expect of me and I didn't meet? I've also rearranged my priorities. I've stepped away from things (things I LOVED dearly) to spend that time with him. These things were done independent of him. And that's pretty much the groundwork for how all of this happened. So, we're working on spending and enjoying time together.

I greet him at the door with a genuine smile and a kiss. I'm happy he's HOME. I am trying to make his house a safe and happy place to be. Hard, with kids who are also vying for Daddy's attention, but we're managing. I spend time LISTENING to him.

In retrospect, there were things he'd said that I simply ignored. In regards to her, I'd asked him to NOT be around her. That was the only time I listened. The times he'd asked for me to get to the gym, clean something, something in the EN categories, I didn't listen. They were so subtle, and I took it for granted he'd always love me. He still does, but there is someone else who has part of the love that was mine. But hindsight is 20/20. I am learning from those mistakes that I made and changing habits that can only improve ME. I'm not becoming someone I'm not... but I am changing for the better. Things that will improve our marriage.

While I continue to snoop, it is hard to keep focused on Plan A. The depth of his deception kills me. Things he'd said he'd wanted to do with me, he'd done with her instead. Just really hard not to want to SAY something and confront him. But I know that in Plan A, I shouldn't. Right now, I'd jeapordize what is so fragile right now.

Although... one reaction and threat (I know, Love Buster) was to tell his superior. That was a double edged sword. One: he was ready to leave right then and there because doing something like that was so out of character for me (the repercussions would and could involve prison since he's military).

Two: When he told her of my threat, it stopped HER cold. She didn't think it was worth me ruining both of their careers by that exposure.

No, I don't want him to go that route. But I'm glad he "sees" the full extent of the consequences. Before he knew... but never fully accepted. She's put in for a transfer... all I can do is hope that it moves.

We've had some good days. Shaky, but good. I've tried to let him know that I will always love him. That I still want him. That I believe in him. I don't bring up "us". I allow him to do that. But it's SO hard not to want to talk about it. But... part of me is tired of talking. I want the BandAid fix and just make this all go away.

His father knows now. There is someone that can understand where he is now. His father cheated on his mother. So, WS has a person who can understand and tell him what a horrible mistake it would be to leave me and still understand what he's feeling. The roots of the A aren't so deep that we can't recover, but they went far enough.

I believe in my WH. He's told me that he's afraid he will make the same mistake again. That scares me. But I know that this is a normal thing. Now that it's happened, it will be a greater temptation to do it again. Like drugs.

I've bought the SAA and Power of a Praying Wife. Both have helped.

As for OW's H, I don't know a whole lot. Can't find out without risking exposure at the wrong time. But I think that my threat of exposure to their superior got BOTH of WS and OW's attention. Wrong way to do it... but I was lashing out and simply reacting without thought. I've told WS that I was sorry for that reaction. That yes, I knew it was an option but at the time all I wanted to was to hurt him like he'd hurt me. That right NOW, I am willing to work on OUR marriage and make it work. It seems that he's willing to try to do what it takes. So, I'm going with that.

When she comes back... I know that everyday will be starting back at Zero simply because she's there. Until she's gone, it will be that way. Pray that papers can get her out of there ASAP. No, there is no chance of WS moving. none. Otherwise, I'd have jumped on it. OW is the only one who CAN, and that's not easy. Her H is in a different state, so that gives her a viable cause to leave.... so I hope that it happens.

Will,

You may not want to hear this, but unless there is NC (which means they can't work in the same building) your marriage can't really recover.

I have been in the military for more than 25 years and I can't tell you how many times I have seen BS avoid exposure to protect their WS and in doing so their own security.

I have never seen this work out in the end. Since NC must be instituted, your WS, must figure out a way to stop working with OW. Do not let him convince you that candidly telling his supervisor what has happended will lead to him being punished.

The military tries hard to be family friendly and if your WS really wants to save his marriage, they will work with him. Now if he is insincere, they will fry his a$$.

The bottom line here is that if NC can't be achieved anyother way, you must expose. And frankly, it isn't fair for you not to tell the OW's H. WOuldn't you want to be told?

Also, MC is a waste as long as the A is ongoing and there is still contact.

Who

One more thing, if you allow this to continue over fear of what exposure will bring, your WH will continue with this A until it runs it's course and then begin anew with someone else. I have seen this happen so many times it makes me sick. Don't let him get away with this or it will become your life.

Who

Who... I don't intend on making this my life. I just don't see exposure to the commander as an option right now. To others, yes, but that far, no. Only in the worst case... if he still continues with the A after Plan B.

We've had a GOOD week. We had a great day together on Saturday and he'd had NC with OW and then I made the mistake of allowing her to become a topic in a conversation. He began to miss her and then called her. I caught him on the phone with her. He was very angry with himself. He told me that he didn't know why he did it. That he didn't plan on calling her when he did... he just did. He has told me that it is OVER. That when she heard it was him, she was upset with him for calling. I doubt it. But... I don't know.

I don't know what to do... I don't think I should throw him out in PLan A. But I'm also aware that he will slip and fall sometimes in Plan A.

He does NOT want a divorce. He wants to stay for the kids. He still loves me. The EA lasted only 2 months, but the PA lasted longer. Still, either one was too long... that it happened at all. Because he still wants this M to work, I believe we can make it...

I'm afraid that he will still continue to see her... and have the PA. When he goes to the gym in the mornings, MWF he has a 10 minute group exercise with his work. He also worksout extra. But I don't know anymore if he's really at the gym or with her. I'm that paranoid. And I can't haul my children out of bed to follow him to the gym every time. The base is about 20 minutes away and that's just too much to do on my kids. No there isn't any family around. Not close with neighbors enough to leave them with them.

Our credit and money situation isn't one where I can siphon out money to pay for a PI. I couldn't get a card... our credit stinks.

What next? I'm staying in Plan A for now. I've given a time limit. No, he doesn't know about the Plan. But he's noticed a difference all around. I'm hoping that is enough. I'm hoping that I don't have to go into Plan B... but it may become necessary.

-All your accounts need to be open so you can view them, you should know all the passwords. You are married, they are your bills together.

-Install keylogger on your computer and learn how to use it. There are a lot of free ones out there. I found one that hides itself and will not show up in any folders. Only way to view it is with your calculator or notepad, that is brought up by a secret word. http://www.free-keylogger.com/index.php When you want to view what has been typed you just type your secret word from your cal/or wordpad and it pops up. It is very simple to use. Find out his passwords to any email accounts he has and check them. Even if he erases his emails it will come up on the keylogger.

-Stash away about $50 even if it takes you a month to do so. Buy yourself a recorder. Hide it in the car when he goes to p/t.

-Does he come home for lunch? If so, that is good. If not I would suggest it. Hard for them to act inappropriate at the office infront of others. So your main concern will be p/t and lunch time. He works out extra? I would suggest that stops too. He can work out at home.



He needs to prove to YOU that if he can't take a step at trying to have her or himself removed from his workplace that he is going to avoid her AND prove to you that he is an open book. You are not being paranoid and you were not wrong for bringing her up (he then called her). You are going to have tons of questions and concerns which you should be able to discuss at anytime with him, and he should be willing to give you answers.

Are you going to a post MC? If you are not happy with it try a post chaplin. Even if he does not open up it is important for you to be able to get your feelings out.

I hope things work out for you, I know the military adds on some extra hurdles.

Thank you for the help on the keylogger... I have discovered some passwords and email account that I didn't know about. Nothing new, but he is saving all the old emails from OW. I've forwarded them to another account to save for MY files.

This weekend was GREAT. Well, mostly. We spent the whole day together. Made love following. And then... he called her. I caught him on the phone. He said sorry. Stupid mistake. I let him know how deeply that hurt, without LB. I just calmly told him that I still loved him and that what he was doing hurt me. He hasn't called her since.

We also had a couple more days together (he took some time off work) and really enjoyed each other's company ... minus kids. He has said, honestly, that he is afraid that he won't feel "in love" with me again, although he wants to. He doesn't think he can meet my EN. We've gone through the His Needs, Her Needs book together. So, he's aware of what I crave. Should I simply wait for him to be "ready" to meet MY EN? Or should I tell him that he should TRY to meet my needs too... like I'm meeting his. Granted, he has shut me out sexually since then. But I'm doing what I can.

I did have an outburst (LB, but I apologized later) when he reacted badly about MC. I had made the appointment and then let him know right away. He was SO mad. He doesn't "believe" in MC. He did, however, say he'd go the next day. His point was that I didn't consult with him first. I did... he had told me THREE WEEKS from the date I'd found out that I could make the appointment. He was just mad that I did it. So, today is the MC. They are Christians, so I'm hopeful.

I am being torn one way and another. It's SO hard. I feel as if this addiction is MY addiction, too. Only I don't get to enjoy the "perks".

Another thing that I discovered since installing keylogger. Yesterday, the first time since I installed it, he went to the adultfriendfinder site for our city. Looking for 18-30. I'm concerned now because I'm 32, with 3 kids... I'm getting in shape, but I can meet everything else, EXCEPT being young. I can't be 18. I know he has a "thing" for young looking girls. This has developed over the last couple of years. OW looks VERY young. She is 25, but looks younger. No kids. So, I can't even compare. She's slim, no hips, no breasts, while I have more curves and plenty elsewhere. I'm NOT fat by anystretch of the imagination, in fact, I've been told that I'm very pretty. I'm just older now. And this is really bothering me. Because if he can't see me and love me as I am now, what's to stop him later... when I'm older???

Another thing or two...

SHould I have him read SAA?

And where is a good place to get the camera? I don't know much about that... please let me know since I'd really like to get one.

I'm reeling.

I discovered that he went to HER yesterday. I had a feeling. What should I do??? He's emailed her... and in it it talked about them what they did yesterday. Even AFTER MC. What am I going to do? What should I do? He even says he still loves her.

Help. Please. My world is falling apart.

I think you have no choice but to tell the ow's husband. Obviously your husband is not making a full attempt with no contact and neither is she. You know about the A, but he knows and she knows that you are not prepared (atleast up to now) to expose them.

There may be some backlash once you tell but you can't even begin to recover if this is how they are going to behave. Remember your H is in a fog (and so is the ow), they need that fog bubble bursted! I can understand your concern with your H's job and the fact that he may get into some trouble...altho I truely think he over exaggerated the trouble it would cause him (probably to get you to not tell the ow's H) It is HIS affair and he is continuing to hurt you and your family, he took the risks by carrying on with another soldier, she took the risks of carrying on with another soldier...you did not create this no matter what your marriage has been like.

Ask yourself how long you can continue to check on him and read these emails/knowing he meets with her/calls her? (reading them is painful, I know!) He does not need to know about what you have read, keep that to yourself as long as you can. You can't begin to rebuild your marriage with this going on.

Maybe call a Chaplin and ask for help in taking the steps you need to make, he may also tell you what may happen to your H if he is exposed at this work place.

I am so sorry you are in this situation!

marriage counselling only works, when both partners want to work on the marriage. doesnt sound like he WANTS to. you just forced/nagged him into it.

Heh... lots of more stuff for me to reply to...


From what I understand, Plan A is all about being completely selfsacrificing, with no reward. In no way should you be telling him, "Hey, what about my needs?!"


Odds are, he's emotinally disconnected with you, and just potentialy looking for sex for sex's sake. If he can reconnect with you, (and you also stay in shape as best you can!) then this wont be a problem between you in the future.

Maybe I'm not a typical man <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> but, even though I know my wife is physically incapable of being "model" standard... what matters far more to me, is if she takes care of what she has, to the best of her ability.

Well... his vacation from work, wasn't so much a vacation. He's obsessed with working, always has been. The A with his co-worker has just made it a higher priority to GET to work. The A is still ongoing. He hasn't seen her, with the exception of Friday and Thursday, when he went in anyway. One day, he was asked to come in (I hear the conversation) and the second, he went in anyway, depsite my request for him not to.

I have been honest with my feelings, but trying desperately not to LB. This is so hard and not fair. He continues to call and email her daily. I've only managed to get him to admit to calling her a couple of times this week from home, while I was asleep... but only after I said that I'd her him talking to her. This is killing me. He simply won't give her up.

Last night, we had yet another long talk. I asked him if he'd given up hope on US. He says he hasn't. But he doesn't know if he can be in love with me again. He doesn't seem to "get" that those feelings come and go. He is searching for those butterflies... and we haven't had them in a while. He has them with her and he doesn't want to let it go.

He has shut me out sexually. Entirely now. He doesn't want to with me because it makes HER jealous! No, he didn't tell me that, but that's what his emails to her say. That he doesn't want to share that with me anymore because he loves how she looks in the moment. It's awful. I don't know how to meet that need if he refuses to let me.

And with the A ongoing, I'm dying inside. I've read that I simply have to let it run it's course. But, I can't do much.

When do I confront him with evidence? Is it in Plan B? When he leaves? Or never?

Again, the option of him moving to a different building ISN'T an option. Not with what he does. I really wish it were. He said that he doesn't know what her "final decision" was concerning her transfer or getting out. I believe she's chosen to stay for him. But...

I have done searches for her husband. I can't find him. I know that his boss would have a name and contact number, but I can't do that yet. Why? Because of the UCMJ laws. I'm not protecting WH from his consequences. But, if I went to that point, he could have jail time. And because he REALLY screwed up, that is a good possibility, but more like he'd be fined very heavily and lose his bonuses. She is a subordinate... both are officers, he is the much higher ranking.

What do I do about ... I don't know. If I have to go to Plan B, then I will go to his boss.

Last night, I told him that I was trying to simply be his friend. To listen. To be understanding with what he was going through. That what he did was wrong, but I still understand and am willing to forgive him if he is willing to take that step of faith and let her go. He gets so angry with me... but I NEED to talk to him about this. I can't ignore it and sweep it under the rug and pretend it's not there and not still going on.

He swears that he's not talking to her. Of course he's lying. This morning, he left early to go to the gym. I've even told him that I knew he'd left early while she was here to be with her... She back. And my heart hurts.

There is one other person that I can expose this to in his squadron. As soon as I'm able, I will. Because this needs to STOP before they go TDY in a couple months as a squadron.

MC ... yes, I forced him into it, but he HAD promised me that he would go. He's just mad that I held him to his word.

I need to get the dvr for his car. I wish I had the money... we simply don't. I'm setting aside money where I can without him getting suspicious. But it is VERY slow.

Thank you for your support. This MB is a Godsend and I would be losing my mind without it.

I should add that when he wasn't able to talk to her, he was VERY pouty and sulked. Would be very easily angered. He was in withdrawals.

As soon as he got to speak with her (he only managed to not talk to her until I was either asleep or out the door to the grocery store) he was all happy again.

This stinks. I hate this SO much.

He shut me out completely. He won't let me make him happy. He gets upset when I try. I'm so scared that the only way for this to stop is if he is forced to leave me via Plan B. I'm prepared for it, but this is killing me.