Hello All!. I am in the process of changing jobs. I currently work for an extreme micro-manager(company owner) and hate the thought every morning of going to work.

My current position: I do have a company vehicle. No healthcare benefits. I was diagnosed with arthritis at age 18, so healthcare for me is expensive. Roughly $475/month is I purchase it independently. Therefore, I do not have any health insurance. I have not had any in 5 years. My wife and children do. We pay a policy to blue cross for them. It is around $415 / month. Not pre-taxed. Hours usually 7am to 5:30pm Monday thru Friday and a few Saturdays.

Job offer: 4 miles from home. Totally different line of work. No company vehicle. Make 4% less than current job, however I have potential to have a nice bonus each year. I would have healthcare insurance for me and my family thru employer. Employer pays 1/2 of my part and the rest is pre-taxed deductions. Total around $350.00 / month. Hours 8am to 5:00pm Monday thru Friday. No weekends.

We have an extra vehicle that is paid for that is rarely used. We were going to sell it until this offer came along. All I get from my wife every night is how I am backing up in my career since I am willing to accept less money. This got quite heated last night. I have tried to explain to her that me walking around with no insurance is not good at all. Everything we own is in my name. I finally had enough of the complaining and told her that her only care in this situation was money. She cannot see the healthcare issue. She went on last night about how if I really wanted another job, that I could find one that pays more and get healthcare. I think that in the line of work that I am in that would be tough to do, much less a total career change like I plan on making. I have worked for a few different companies in this current business. All of the owners are the same. So to me the change to a different field would be refreshing and welcomed. Am I wrong in this?

You've been on here awhile...posted a bit...have you read about Love Busters (LBs)? AOs, DJs...etc.?

Your perspective is your wife is complaining, not supportive, she's not hearing your explanations, is stuck on money...all she cares about...and that she cannot see what you see...

Your relationship is mired in DJs...both ways, most likely...only you're here. You can't POJA with DJs...only with healthy takers, high honesty and an intent to honor your marriage...

You've got a ways to go...maybe this job situation is just what you needed to see how destructive your beliefs and communication with your wife has become in your union?

Would you consider injecting respect...honoring her thoughts, feelings and beliefs as hers...yours as yours, and eliminating your DJs? Couples on this road (and mine was one of many), continue until there's no road left to chew up...then where you work, your benefits, time at home, even your arthritis doesn't hurt as badly as losing your family...being right is lonelier than being married.

Working on your DJs can greatly improve how you feel about those owners you're DJing, also...work in general, and change a lot of how you view yourself, maybe seeing in you what your wife already does...

Free yourself, Karl...you can do this.

LA

So it sounds like you are currently working roughly 50-55 hours per week?

The new job would be only 4 miles from home. And you would only be working 40 hours per week, rather than the 55 you currently put in.

Break it down by an hourly rate. Let's assume somebody makes $40,000/year working 55 hours per week. This means they earn roughly $14.00/hr (40000/2860 hrs per yr). Now lets take that same person and put them in a job with a salary that's 4% less - so now they make $38,400/year but they only have to work 40 hours per week to make that. Now they earn almost $18.50/hr (38,400/2080 hrs per yr).

Now let’s look at the insurance. Currently you pay $415/mo after tax dollars to cover only the wife and kids (leaving you uninsured). Assuming you make $40,000 and are in a 10% tax bracket, that is costing you an additional $498 in taxes per year (in addition to the 415/mo for premiums). If you were paying $350/mo in pretax dollars, you are actually saving an additional $420 off your annual tax bill. This means that your $40,000 job with no insurance ends up costing you an extra 780/yr in premiums (415-350*12), and 918/yr in additional tax dollars (498+420). This equates to an out of pocket additional expense of $1698/year -- and you still have no insurance. Take that off the 40,000 and now your "salary" is $38,302 - which is actually less than what you would be making at the new job....and you would have medical insurance for yourself at the same time.

So...new job = more money in the end, closer to home, 25% less working hours required...throw in the potential bonus every year and it seems like a no-brainer!

Of course this is an example based on an arbitrary "salary" - I obviously don't know the specifics of your situation....but it is safe to say that if the salary in question is less than $40,000 than the savings are actually greater, if it is more than $40,000 it would be slightly less...and the savings would be even more if the tax rate is higher. Many variables, but if you put it in a spreadsheet - it's easy to see!

A few months ago, I was in a similar situation. I hated my job, my wife hated my job, but I was making okay money. I just wasn't making enough to satisfy her financial support need. However, we both agreed that I should quit and I went from a 9 yrs at one place with health insurance, yearly bonus and raise to focusing on building my business while delivering pizzas for 7.50 per hour.

At first this seemed crazy until my first payday for my business. I made more in 2 weeks than I used to make a in 4 months. Now I am avging about 10,000 per month and more time with my family.

Sometimes less is more,

trinity

Thanks Loving and Cathy.

Loving, I am one one the most mild mannered people on earth. It is very difficult to get me to argue, however I will stand my ground. I feel that I simply done that. She is very agressive in conversation and bold.

Cathy, thanks a ton for breaking that down. That is what I was trying to explain to my wife, however I was unsuccessful.

My wife can be difficult. I will admit openly when I am wrong. She will not. I feel that at this point, she will not be happy with the transition even if I prove to her on paper that we will benefit from this move. In doing that I want her to understand that I am not simply trying to prove her wrong, I just want to make things better all around for our family.

Trinity, I have wanted the same thing for some time. I am a construction estimator/engineer. I bid every job, manage, deal with owners, and do all the AP,AR, and contracts. I see how much these owners make. I have fought a loosing battle for doing this myself with my wife over the last 4 years. Congrats on your success.

Karl,

Sounds like she has a difficult time being heard.

She fears stuff...you fear stuff...you want her to see through your eyes...she wants YOU to see through hers...fair's fair, right?

When you feel you aren't being heard...most likely, you aren't hearing...if you were to sit, listen and repeat what your wife says...more than likely, she will later, listen to you...truly hear you.

Wise words (not mine): Strive first to understand, then be understood.

Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?

LA

Loving, like I said earlier. It is not a matter of me proving anything or being right. I have tried to explain to her that the health care is an absolute must. I have heard alot more than you are giving me credit for.

One reason that I am so concerned with the healthcare..my blood pressure is off the chart. It has been for over a year. It has been running around 190 to 200 over 100 to 110. I am not an overweight or out of shape guy either. The strees of my job and issues at home I am worried will take a toll on me.

I am attempting to help you, Karl...

You have not had medical insurance for five years and now you say it is a must...why not go to the doctor, pay the bill without insurance to get meds for your high blood pressure, etc? That shows the great need...not going does not show great need, does it?

Adjusting ourselves to reality is not as easy as it sounds. There is saying and doing...there is necessity and there is desire...need...wants...all different.

Can you see how you DJ even me? Me not giving you credit...when you don't know what I think...what I credit you with...

If you'd like to know...state it...

"I feel attacked. Like I'm being told I'm not doing this right...I'm wrong."

That's honesty and there's no arguing that.

I believe you can change your life, your health and your marriage...because you're here. There is a lot to learn...if you only want support, to be told you're right on this one issue...support for your reasonableness, your "side," then why are you here? You know you're right. You know you have seen this from every angle, measured out, considered all the factors and it is in the best interest of your family to change jobs...

If you are here to learn about how relationships work, where all this conflict comes from...learn how to separate out what is something to POJA and what just needs to be understood, to really grow...then you will.

I see in your sigline that you're still recovering from infidelity...that's huge...what steps have you guys taken...counseling, books, changing your beliefs, creating boundaries...all that stuff...which contributes to the state of marriage? Your personal recovery? Her personal recovery?

All of it matters...that's what I'm addressing...so this isn't issue by issue...it is the issue behind all issues...IMO.

LA