My husband and I had a rocky relationship from the very start. He was in the middle of a divorce from his first wife when we met. We went through that gruelling divorce together and I vowed I would never do that again.
After we had been married for about 3 years and had our first child, my hormones raged. I looked up my ex-boyfriend, telling myself I was trying to get resolution from a previously bad breakup, all the time lying to myself that it was harmless. Well, my husband found out that I was communicating with my ex-boyfriend, who definately wanted to have an affair with me, but with whom I was unwilling to have sex. My husband confronted me about it, saying that I had had an affair of the heart, and kept demanding that it was an affair even though I had not actually had sex with the OM. Angry and embarassed, I threated to leave my husband, who I was feeling resentful about anyway because I was not getting my emotional needs met. Within hours of threating to leave my husband, I discovered that I was pregnant. I immediately turned to my husband and began working feverishly to improve our relationship.
Unfortunately, I suffer from clinical depression and after my son was born experienced post-partum depression. This time, however, I finally got it diagnosed and was able to get anti-depressants. They didn't help much, I ran our finances into the ground, and eventually decided to get off medication and that I better get a real job to pull our fannies out of debt. I worked hard on our finances and worked hard on our relationship and finally began to see real improvement.
After about 4 years of marriage, I had taken on increased responsibilities at work (which made me feel successful and very positive), and was even feeling good about my relationship with my husband when we signed a contract to build a new house that would more than double our mortgage payments, but put our kids in a much better school district. Then my new boss began to sexually harass me.
Then in February of 2000 (just more than 4 years of marriage) I began having panic attacks. I was sinking into a deep depression. I went back on medication, began seeing a therapist again, and got a transfer to a new job at work to get away from the jerk boss. Things were beginning to look up, though they were far from perfect. Our house got built and we asked a family college-aged friend to come watch the kids for the summer and help us move houses. We paid her well, which helped with her college tuition, and we trusted her implicitly with our children.
Moving was hard though and I was still having some anxiety issues. Our sexual relationship was pretty bad. I managed to be able to get interested only about once a month. Our children were just 4 and 6 years old, I was moving into a new house, had changed jobs, and was trying to recover from these panic attacks. My husband was feeling decidedly lonely, and expressed to me his dissatisfaction with our sex life, but I was so wrapped up in my own recovery that I didn't have much leftover to give to him.
Last night, my husband told me that the week before our college friend left for the summer, he had an affair with her. He's kept this to himself for nearly two years and finally last night decided to come clean about it. Over the last two years since his affair, in spite of the fact that I knew nothing about it, our relationship really began to blossom. We've worked hard at it, all the time me being very conscious of my own infidelity and therefore working hard to ensure that both of our needs were met.
We've become so close in even just the last month that I expressed to someone at work just yesterday that I've been amazed at just how much in love I am with my husband, especially after 13 years. But when we were making love last night, he told me that he slept with her. The bottom fell out from under me. I became numb and couldn't believe my ears. I asked him again, "is this a joke or are you serious?" knowing full well that he was serious. In fact, it was something I had actually suspected and even teased him about talking to his "girlfriend" when she would call for Christmas, birthdays, etc. When he confirmed it, I knew that my world had changed.
I feel like a total fool. I can't believe that my husband chose to hurt me like this. He says he never meant to, that he was just so wrapped up in his own stuff that thoughts of me never came to mind. But I don't believe it. During the week that this happened, he says they had sex 3 times, including even once going to a hotel. It was a choice in my mind. He chose his own needs over his committment to me, though he swears he did not choose it decidedly.
I am so angry. I am so hurt. I feel so betrayed, not just by my husband but by our babysitter. And I feel so played for a fool. I even invited her just this past February, and paid for a plane ticket, so that she could come for a surprise party I was giving for my husband. Now every time I see a picture of her and him together, every time I walk into the bedroom that she occupied, all I can see is her underneath him, their dirty little secret, and how I was so foolishly the third wheel. My heart is broken into a million pieces and I don't know what to do. That is why I am here; to try to figure out what to do.
I wrote our "friend" an email last night and told her that I knew what happened and that she should call me at home to discuss. I plan on telling her that she is no longer welcome in our home. I will absolutely, 100% insist on the no-contact rule. I will not, under any circumstances, allow this to ruin my family. My children deserve better; I deserve better.
The road to recovery is going to be long and arduous. I just hope we all survive in one piece.
