Hey Man! my heart goes out to you. No one can fault you for taking the route you have taken. I don't frequent the Divorce Boards, but knowing you may be around, I may look in from time to time.

I hope you take your time and properly grieve the loss of your marriage, and do the Plan A portion of working on any of your own personal shortcomings which may have lead to your marriage becoming vulnerable to an affair. Regardless of what we wish for, there is a fair amount of recovery necessary whether we are actively recovering our marriage, or our personal lives, after an affair.

Here's hoping your custody arrangements are amicable, and the impact on the children is minimal. Your survival oriented attitude will carry you through this well!

Best wishes,
SD

Shattered,

Thanks. We have been, and will continue to, mourn the loss of this marriage. My STBX and I each own half of the failure to maintain a nurturing environment. It didn't have to end this way.

I will work on my personal recovery and growth during the upcoming months.

Many thanks.

Just a quick update and post-mortem for all. Today our settlement agreement was approved by the judge. It took all of five minutes. Hardlesson is officially single. While this is not something to be joyous over, there is a heavy burden removed from my shoulders.

See, one of my biggest EN is security. When WS broke news of affair and her intention to move out of the house, I felt completely exposed and vulnerable. During the weeks following D-Day I discovered pics of WS and OM holding my 2-year-old girl. During this time WS made snide comments about "getting alimoney." No way could I stand for this nor could I do anything stupid to jeopardize my children.

While still emotionally tied to WS and reading this website, I met with an attorney to find out my rights.

I offered to work out a non-contested D. There were two things I wanted, though, otherwise I would spend every last penny I had to fight her: 1) I wanted to be the primary custodian for our three children (she gets liberal visitation (50/50) as long as she resides in same school district). 2) I came up with a dollar amount I could settle on (no alimoney).

WS agreed to both just as she was moving out. The attorney said to strike while she still feels some guilt.

We had the settlement agreement drawn up and we ran to the court. Had I played hardball I felt the WS could move out, hire her own attorney (advocate) and would be much more agressive in her pursuit of the children and finances.

The risk and exposure was too great to me. Another conributing factor is WS is involved with OM in another city. I felt the risk of a move-away with the kids was too great.

Where do we stand?

XW is still deeply involved in her A. She continues to rationalize the A. She has alienated most of her family. She has told me she regrets "signing the children away." In court she teared up, and I thought she might voice her regrets to the judge, but she did not.

After the proceedings we actually had an amicable breakfast (get a divorce, to to the iHOP?).

So while we don't have the MB-Frank-Capra ending that I was hoping for, the MB Material has been beneficial. The concepts of Plan A helped me maintain a cool head when I so much wanted to lash out. The concept of Plan B helped me force myself to detatch from WS.

At the end of the day the A was and is about WS selfishness. It is the ultimate manifestation of one who has avoided conflict for years (and I thought she was just happy and pleasant all the time). I don't believe XW will ever return. I don't think she will (as some has suggested). But if she does I'll be ready.

HL

HL,

I am sorry to see this. I do hope that your life and that of your children is filled with good things as you all heal from this. I do think that WW will one day realize what she did, but one never knows.

I hope you keep everyone updated on how things go, if the situation changes.

God Bless,

JL

My husband thinks he wants to be with his lover and that they will be together forever. We have been married for 13 years together for 14 years. He knew her for 3 months. I am not sure how he become so addicted to this affair so quickly. He moved out two weeks ago. I keep thinking to myself that this affair will end one day. I am finding it hard to motivate myself to carry on. I know that I have to because my children are 8 and 11. I think I am grieving what we had before I knew what he was doing. I just never thought this would happen.