Here’s my story. It goes by fast. We jump from A to D quickly. While I am saddened and will mourn the death of the M for a while longer, I have no regrets about the actions I’ve taken or those actions I’ve chosen not to take.

BS (me): 40
WW: 39
Years M: 18
Kids 3

WW admitted to a 1 month PA June 3rd, 2006.

After exposure, many more lies on WW part, a blatant continuation of the affair, exposure and intervention on family members we landed on the following truths:

WW is in a fog, sucked into the addiction. She admitted as much. She likes the feeling.

WW is unwilling to end affair.

WW suggested many such alternatives, separation where both parties can sew oats, etc. All these are deal breakers for me. Trial separation is just a prelude to a divorce. Why be married?

WW knew that she SHOULD want to keep the marriage together, but she wanted to see where this other relationship would take her.

WW mentioned every cliché to justify the A and why our M was off track. Lost passion. We do a lot of “parenting” together. It’s not me, it’s her, yada, yada.

OM is being treated for hepatitis C. Who knows what STDs are floating around? Yuck, and very sad.

I read MB and other documentation on Plan A, Plan B, Plan D. Created a safe place during the six weeks between her admissions to her move out day. I never created LoveBusters.

I would offer her kindness. She would push me away. At one point she said she just sabatoges every kind thing I do. She did, too.

My goal was to keep her in the house, working through our issues after she cut off the A.

WW refused to end A and wanted out of the house fast.

Here’s what I learned about my own boundaries: I don’t have the stomach for Plan A + IC + MC if the WW is unwilling to cease contact with OM.

MC is futile if WW is unwilling to cease contact with OM. Not going to spin my wheels.

Not sure what EM went unmet (I suspect affirmation) but cannot be sure, as we never got far enough along in counseling to explore our past.

WW moved out Saturday, July 15.

Finalizing D paperwork. Expect to file by end of month.

That’s my story.

While I admire everyone who toughs it out for months and years on end trying to put the broken egg back together again, I personally do not have the stomach for it. It’s not that I didn’t love my wife or still care about her, or honor M.

I can only take so much crap, and I do expect my life partner to hold her side of the deal. Even after she exposed the A (which I expected just to be a cry for help), she seemed to further entrench herself in the relationship.

I am truly saddened by the end of the relationship, and not crazy about going through D, but I have no regrets on the actions I have taken.

I am reminded by one conversation WW told the counselor of our mutual decision to end the M.

She wasn’t going to end the A, and she didn’t want me to lose my dignity. She could not have been more wrong. I was saddened because I saw the relationship and family ending. Yet it was she who lost all dignity. It is for these reasons that the rest of her family is sad, angry and disappointed.

Thanks.

Hardlesson

Sorry you find yourself here, but this is a great place to find when one is in need of people who understand what we are going through.

I can't say I blame you for not wanting to go through the program as laid out buy the Harley's, as it is all consuming, and most everything else in your life suffers as a result.

One byproduct of going through the MB plans is that much of it is about working on YOU. What was it that you brought to the marriage that could use improvement? How could you make changes in yourself that might have left the marriage less vulnerable? That is not to say the A is your fault, it's certainly not, it's all on your W and her bad decision making, lack of proper boundaries, whatever.

The only reason I'm mentioning all this is that as you proceed through your divorce you will begin to emotionally detach from your W. As the affair begins to wane, and it will, she will be drawn back to you, where the world was safe, and where she was comfortable, and where there was "real" love, as opposed to the fantasy for which she is willing to risk "it all" to feed.

Plan D is the ultimate Plan B. Sometimes the mere filing of the paperwork, and her receiving the papers is sufficient enough a 2x4 to jolt her back to reality. It would behoove you to have a plan in place for this eventuality, because there's about an 80% chance she'll come sniveling around at some point when the Affair goes sour. And it will.

The Marriage Builders program is designed to make YOU a better person, fully ready to move forward within a marriage damaged by infidelity, or as one who has been through a divorce.

I just wanted to you pause and reflect for a moment before you abandon the Marriage Builder's principals, because even if you plan on moving forward as a divorced dad, there is much to learn about how to do so as a much better prepared candidate for a future relationship.

Best wishes,
SD

Even if you D, she will be back.

Be ready! Have a plan!

About 3 years after our D, my 1st wife wanted back. I'm not sorry I told her no. I had the kids. In my mind, she just wanted some free room and board before jumping to her next affair.

Be ready for what you want at that time.

Shattered,

Thank you for the friendly advice.

This experience -- as painfull as it is now and will be over the next 12 months -- has caused me to reevaluate everything about my life to make myself better.

While I have no regrets in Post D-Day plan I'm executing, I do have regrets that my WW felt she was not getting the affirmation she needed at home and took an unfortunate, damaging leap. It was a hard lesson.

HL

LMAO!!!!! My EX wanted me back after about 3yrs also. Only problem ..........I was remarried. Not that I would have wanted her back if I wasnt anyhow. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I will work on a backup plan if she does come sniveling back down the road. I can't imagine it at this time.

I don't blame you at all for going the route you've chosen. Despite the principals we all have to be prepared for what we have no control over and make a personal decision when we can no longer take it. My WH left 2 nights ago to get some perspective after Plan A 4 nights before. Thinks he can still be friends with OW whom he's known for over 20 yrs, former girlfriend that pushed him to the edge of suicide. The fog is terrible and I still don't know how much I can take either. I hope when/if I reach that point as you obviously have, I will be as strong as you sound.
God Bless and be strong for you!

BS 37
WS 37
M 13 years
Together 15
Kids 8yrs., 6yrs., and 16 mos.
d-day 7/8/06

Many may not agree with my forthcoming response BUT - I'm gonna say it anyway (it's my mood today).

I wish I had your set of [email]B@@@@......[/email]

I've been holding on for 3+ years, WH will not stop his adulterous ways and I am no further ahead in recovering myself or the M ,than I was on D-day....


HUGS

Alot will NOT agree with what I have to say, but here it goes. After 3yrs and no progress has been made, I think its time to throw in the towel. You are being kept in limbo....in the shadows and are basically unable to move on with your life. JMHO.

Angiemoos,

I feel for you and I know how much you're hurting -- the sense of loss, the fear of the unknown, the betrayal and vulnerability can be overwhelming.

I've cried (still do occasionally), and I've reached out to friends and family, many of who are thousands of miles away.

I recommend seeking wisdom and advice from sound sources. Stay grounded. Revisit your boundaries. Don't blame yourself. You didn't deserve this. Control what you can.

Upon implementing Plan A and keeping a safe place, my WW still wanted to run away, only went to counselling against her will, and refused over and over again to break the A, I knew the M was over. The one thing the fog-laden WW and I agreed on -- we both knew my boundaries. The M was over.

I do not like where I am. I wanted to grow old with my spouse and enjoy our life and children together. If I think about it too much, my stomach aches in disgust.

I do feel empowered that I am making the best of an unnecessary crisis. For that I have no regrets.

Take it all one day at a time.

Hey, Hardlesson...

You seem to have your feet firmly planted on the ground, and seem to be familiar with the MB principals. You also have a nice, friendly way with words. These forums can always use more of folks with those attributes, plus you can get "a little" support along the way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Stick around ... there's free beer on Fridays... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

SD

Never say never,

Plan B or Plan D,
This is where you need to go I think.

This is the only way you or your wayward spouses will know.
Then you will know. Then you can be free.

Stay strong for your children. I'm nowhere near this point in my M yet but I may look you all up in the future.

Thanks for sharing.
JS

P.S.I never seen no beer on Fridays...What a ripoff

I couldn't agree more with what you said. If people want to save marriages I think that is great. But if you have a spouse that does not want to end their affair right away then I don't see the need to continue.

I have no doubt at some point she will want you back. I knew my wife was having an affair but she denied and until I could prove it she wouldn't admit or work on anything. After she was busted I had enough also and don't regret it.

My wife wants us back together but I just don' want to do it. The thought of having SF with her repulses me. If she wanted to sleep with other men I would have been more than happy to divorce her but I guess it is more fun when you can have a nice house and vehicle and a boyfriend and a husband to pay for it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I think these principles are very good but people need to ask themselves is all of the pain worth it. I honestly loved my wife but she wanted something else. I did not want to stand in her way. I just felt that if I did not let her go she would always wonder what it would be like with another guy.

Now that I want to give her the freedom she does not want it. Go figure. Your wife will probably wake up one day. And you are right, you still have your dignity! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I will work on a backup plan if she does come sniveling back down the road. I can't imagine it at this time.

--------------------
Hardlesson


When she first left, I was told she would be back. I couldn't inagine it either. She did come back. I told her no.

Rag,

The suggestions to work on a backup plan has gotten me thinking. I just can't see her coming back and attempting ro reconcile after her refusals to end the A, etc. Plus, while it still hurts, every day that goes by my heart grows harder toward her.

How much time did it take for your XWS to request reconcilliation? It must be different with everybody. A friend of mine said he hoped for two years that his Ex would come back to him and tell him she made a mistake. It never happend, and he has since moved on.

hardlesson,

Mine came back to me almost 2 years to the day. They almost always do come back. I would be with her now if I wasn't totally prepared with my boundaries and my terms.

Sit down and write them down. Carry them with you in your wallet or in your brain. You will be tested.

Cy,

Thanks. That's good advice. I will revisit my boundaries en toto so I will be prepared. She is so deep in the A that I don't see her coming back anytime soon.

One reason why we're on the brink of a D is because I know my boundaries and have stuck with them. She was looking for wiggle room, cake and ice creme, but I just could not enable that kind of behavior at my expense understanding the A could last a couple of years.

However, with the D settlement almost complete, my emotions runneth over (always behind closed doors and in private). Closure on the legal level does not equate to emotional closure.

Intellectually I know I'm taking the right course of action for myself and my children. I am controlling what I can. Emotionally it's still difficult and painful. Like many on this board, even though she has walked all over our wedding vows, I do miss the companionship we once had. Since there are kids involved, Plan B will be difficult to enact (for my own well being, not to get us into recovery) but something I'm toying with.

I will keep everyone apprised as developments happen.

"Closure on the legal level does not equate to emotional closure."

Now that's a mouthful! Well stated!

Just remember, the WW that you don't expect to every come back around isn't the W that you knew. This alien creature you are divorcing will ultimately slip back out of the fog...and you will recognize the "old" W immediately. She'll be able to look you in the eyes!

Best wishes,
SD

"She'll be able to look you in the eyes!"


WOW! She has not been able to look me in the eyes since the A began (30 days before D-Day).

Great observation.

(I'm going to take a hiatus from this page/thread. A little is therapeutic. Too much is not healthy).

Update Monday 8/7/2006

This should be one of my last posts on this board for this thread. Future posts will go on the Divorcing threads. Today my STBXW and I signed our settlement agreement.

One reason I went so fast to D was due to my WW's attitude when fleeing. I did not know what was in her head, and I couldn't imagine a custody fight, etc.

Instead, we agreed on terms with me being the custodian of our three girls. We share time 50/50. The paperwork gets filed today. I should be in front of the judge within 6 weeks to finalize the decree.

Sad, yes. Fast, yes. Since there was no way I could control my WW, I controlled the only thing I could -- which was amicably working through the terms of the D so I would be guaranteed to have a strong influence in my children's lives and reduce the risk of WW moving away with the girls. For that, I have no regrets.

Should WW ever come back from the fog, who is to say reconcilliation is not possible? At this time I'm not counting on it and not pursuing it. We will be tied together through the children forever. I will work Plan A as though we were separated, albeit her EN for financial security will be supplied through the settlement.

I am sadened by all the events, but am relieved we're working through closure on the legal front.

Thanks.

HL