1) Have you ever been tempted to cheat on your spouse and if so, why?


2) Did you give in or did you pass on it and why?


3) In your opinion, should you reveal the fact that you were tempted to cheat your spouse-Why or why not?

Duh.

As one of the many FWS's (former wandering spouses) on this board I would say the answer to the first two questions was rather obvious.

And the answer to number 3 is YES OF COURSE. The reason, to let your spouse know that their life is not what they think it is and to let them make informed decisions about their own future.

Oh, edited to add I've just read your question. The answer is still yes. The heartache that could be prevented....

You really don't get this board do you?

1) Have I ever been tempted? Sexually tempted? No. Emotionally? I guess you could say yes, since there have been many "dry spells" befalling my Love Bank over the years, but I can't recall a single person in particular who would have been a target of said "temptation".

2) Again, never any one person in particular, I guess I kept my personal boundaries strong enough to avoid noticing any temptation.

3) Should temptation be revealed? By all means, YES. If my H had revealed the fact that he was tempted to cheat, we'd have been able to save ourselves a whole lot of heartache. I could have handled "I've got to be honest with you, I'm having a hard time fighting this" a LOT easier than I could handle "I've been unfaithful to you."

Isn't that what Radical Honesty is all about? If a spouse can't be your most trusted friend, your marriage is already in a sad state of disrepair.

I am an FWS, but in thinking about how I got here, I wasn't really tempted by a person and then I conducted an affair. I was tempted by free sex. OW was quite unremarkable, actually. It's all cheap and degrading for both myself and my wife, but it did happen and I did do it. I think people are tempted all the time to cheat(be with someone else... grass is greener.. whatever)... but it is what we as human beings DO in the face of temptation that tells about us. I wonder why you ask the question... It kind of feels like an ice breaker to justify your own affair. Is that true? Maybe it isn't. You can tell the truth because no one here can find you anyway.


In my situation that made me a wayward, I obviously gave in. It is a weak person that does what I did. I was a weak person. Honestly, I am a weak person now, but I am wiser. It is the wise man that realizes he has weakness and prepares by protecting those weaknesses with honorable and righteous actions.



The correct answer is of course yes. Always tell the truth. The reason is because your marriage can only be the closest it can be when you fully share yourself with your mate. And that means everything. Your day at work, the stresses in your life.... and so on. The real answer, even for me, however is that we filter information before we pass it on... and no one wants to tell their spouse that they are attracted to another person if even for just a moment. Maybe people actually do want to tell that, and I am having a difficult time trying to do something that I find illogical. The point is, the truth is always the way to get closer to your spouse. Saying you are attracted to someone else and telling before doing something you will regret is much better than not telling and doing something you regret. This much, I know.

I will add that being a FWS is the most difficult thing I have ever had to face in my life. The hurt and pain I have caused. The fact that I do love my wife and I did this to her. It would have been better to tell her I didn't want her, if that was the case, than to not tell her thinking I was "protecting" her. Even if it ends the relationship, betrayal is a easy wrong here. The hard right is to be honest.

I wonder, why are you asking these questions? Are you planning something? Do you have an agenda? Simple curiousity. you are not obligated to answer, but it would be nice if you did, honestly.

take care

P.S. I am military as well.

[quote]1) Have you ever been tempted to cheat on your spouse and if so, why?

Well, if you mean did I ever meet somebody and start wanting to be with him, my answer is "No." Perhaps, it's because I've always been careful about interacting with other men.

That being said, I DID consider going out and finding someone. I even looked around to see if anyone was "suitable" for cheating with. Why? Because my H showed no remorse for his cheating, and I wanted someone to act as if he thought I was beautiful, smart, and fun to be with. Also, my H is the only man I've ever been with, and while he was in his one-sided EA at the time, he wasn't interested in me AT ALL! Also, I was in the beginning of rebelling against his verbal and emotional abuse that had taken their toll over the years.

Edited to add: On a couple of occasions, a couple of my H's "friends" showed up at my house when they KNEW my H was away for the night. I didn't let them in the house. One showed up to pick up something my H had forgotten, but wanted to "stay a while and get to know me better". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Well, I had never liked him and didn't want to get to know him better. His asking me just confirmed my opinion of him. Another just showed up out of the blue and flat out asked me to fool around. And, yes, I told my H about it, but it didn't seem to bother him.

2) Did you give in or did you pass on it and why?

Well, I struck up a few conversations, but could never get myself past the pleasantries and small chit chat. I felt AWFUL, so I would just say, "Nice talking with you!" and go talk to some women friends. After a while, I realized that I didn't want to be an adultress. I had standards, and I didn't want to lower them for anybody. I realized that I wouldn't be hurting my husband as much as I would be hurting myself. Actually, I didn't think my husband would have been all that hurt, because I certainly didn't believe he loved me, at that time, anyway. His PRIDE might have been hurt, though.


3) In your opinion, should you reveal the fact that you were tempted to cheat your spouse-Why or why not?

I did tell my H that I wanted to cheat. I told him that I considered that our marriage ended the night he had his ONS, so I was no longer bound by any vows. (I was pretty good at the foggy talk, myself!) I told him that I was entitled to find someone who WANTED to make love to me.

His response? "Well, I can understand how you're feeling. You haven't had any experience except with me, so if you want to go find out what sex with somebody else is like, it'll be O.K." Well, that was definitely the WRONG answer!

That was about 7 years ago. NOW, I think he may be starting to worry a little. I've lost weight, bought a few sexy outfits, and given myself a makeover. I've also distanced myself from him, because it's time that HE put some effort into this marriage. The verbal abuse has come ALMOST to a halt, but still flares up from time to time when he gets angry. He still has control issues, but I am standing up to him on some really important things. He no longer treats me as though he hates me; actually, he says he loves me. However, he has flat out told me "NO" to almost every need I've expressed to him, because he says he's not gonna kiss my butt. Well, I don't want him to necessarily kiss my butt, but it'd be nice if he was WILLING to do so, KWIM?

I'm still not interested in any other men, and I'm not sure I ever will be interested in anyone else if we end up divorcing. I figure that just about any man would come with his own set of issues, just like I have my own issues. I often think of how nice it could be to live alone, with my home arranged to suit ME, the freedom to pursue my own interests (which are many) without hindrance. If I were to marry another man, let's face it; I might end up with yet another guy who leaves his dirty clothes in the floor, makes messes, and is gassier than my H. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Even worse, I might end up with someone who is physically, as well as emotionally, abusive. Then, I would probably end up bashing him over the head with my iron skillet! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> And, then would have to start the process of getting another divorce. No, thank you! It's taken me too long to get the strength I have today, and I'm not giving up any of it!

I told my H for two reasons: 1) Because it was the right thing to do., and 2) Because I was angry with him and wanted him to know that he wasn't the only one whose needs weren't being met. No. 2 is definitely the wrong reason. Bottom line: No one needs to be hurt by betrayal from the one person who is supposed to love him/her so much, even if "no one" has already hurt you.

LadyC, I kinda hoped only FWS's would respond which would shoot this little discussion right out of the water.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have no idea what "data" is being collected here. Maybe CS can enlighten us. *rolleyes*

During my marriage I was presented with plenty of opportunities to cheat. I never wanted to. None of the men measured up to my husband, or were worth risking my family for.

I was always honest with my XH about these men. One of them, during a party at our home, came into my sleeping daughter's bedroom (I was checking on her) and kissed me. Even though I didn't reciprocate, I told my XH about it the next day (when the guy was far away!).

This was something that really bothered me when he left me for the OW. I said "When I think of all the chances I had to cheat on you, and didn't!" He just shrugged and said "I know". My fidelity meant very little to him.

Obviously, everyone looks at people of the opposite sex sometimes and wonders what it would be like to be with them. Personally, I don't think this constitutes real temptation, and I certainly don't think it necessary to inform one's spouse about every single incident.

Alph.

1) Have you ever been tempted to cheat on your spouse
Yes, both emotionally and physically. This only happened once in my life (with the OM). I never experienced any other emotional and/or physical temptation or attraction outside my M before.

and if so, why?
Because - during my 3 year long e-mail correspondence with OM – I have (to use the words of Shirley Glass) unwittingly formed a deep, passionate connection with OM before I’ve realized that I’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love. These romantic and "in love" feelings for OM (and my strong emotionally attachment and attraction to him) were the driving force behind the temptation to cheat on my H.

2) Did you give in or did you pass on it
I did give in emotionally but not physically. However, I started to act on the physical temptation by committing “mental” adultery e.g. wrong and sinful thoughts and fantasies about OM. Like Send me on my way I did not know what an EA was until I began seeking help on this site.

and why?
The reason I gave in emotionally is because of the emotional connection I formed with OM and the intense romantic feelings I developed towards him. I experienced enormous guilt over my emotional betrayal and “mental” adultery - especially after I've discovered this site and realized I was involved in an EA.

The reason I didn’t give in physically was because it would go against everything I care for and believe in e.g. my morals; value system; religious beliefs; integrity; my love and commitment towards God and my H etc. etc. IMO physical betrayal (in whatever form whether it would be kissing & embracing or sexual intercourse) would be the final and ultimate betrayal towards my H and OM's W and I knew I wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt, self-reproach, pain of my H & other consequences which would result from any form of physical betrayal.

3) In your opinion, should you reveal the fact that you were tempted to cheat your spouse-
Yes, definitely.

Why or why not?
Because honesty & openness in a M is one of the key elements to help affair-proof a M and keep temptation at arm’s length. Honesty is the trump card for preventing affairs. Making a commitment sharing your attractions and temptations with your spouse will help you to avoid acting on them.

If I have shared my attraction and temptation to my H in the first place (after I have became aware of it), things wouldn't have gone so far and probably my addiction/attachment to OM could be stopped before it became so intense and gotten out of hand. It’s true that once you are past a certain point of emotional connection, it is very hard to go into reverse…and if I was honest with my H from the very beginning, things could have been prevented from reaching this specific point of emotional connection with OM.

Just remember that temptation itself is not a sin. It is not a sin to be tempted or experience attraction towards someone else. Temptation or attraction only becomes a sin when you give in to it e.g. when you start to act on the temptation/attraction emotionally/physically or in your mind. Martin Luther said, “You cannot keep birds from flying over your head but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair.” You can’t keep the Devil from suggesting thoughts, but you can choose not to dwell or act on them.

For more info read this thread:

Growing through & defeating temptation

1) Have you ever been tempted to cheat on your spouse and if so, why?
Oh yeah, all the time. My wife is abusive to me, physically and emotionally.


2) Did you give in or did you pass on it and why?
Gimme a chance to find out and I'll let you know cause I'll do it with zero guilt.



3) In your opinion, should you reveal the fact that you were tempted to cheat your spouse-Why or why not?
I tell her all the time and she says to go find me a girlfriend.

Not since I was running for President.

Jimmy Carter

HEY! I thought WAT was Dubya! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

What exactly is the point of this thread?

What does the original poster hope to learn from the responses?

If someone were trawling this site for vulnerable people to exploit, how would they locate and engage them? (This is not to implicate CinnamonSugar, just to ask posters to think before they post.)

1) Yes.

2) Yes. This was a large source of resentment after my FWH had his A. I could have cheated and didn't, even though he was doing nothing to meet my EN's at the time. I have always been faithful, and he was not.

3) Yes. It protects you from the temptation by keeping no secrets, and makes your spouse aware that there are needs they are not meeting well. In almost every case, if an almost-WS had done this, there would have been no affair.

Jen, with all due respect, I would expect to see all those who had been tempted answering this question. Of course the WS's have been tempted, but it is interesting to me how many of the BS's have been temtped, too, and yet decided not to go through with it....even though they could have.

1) Have you ever been tempted to cheat on your spouse and if so, why?

YES. About 10 days after D-day.

Why? .... It is difficult for me to recall, it was so long ago. More than 10 years. I think I wanted to blunt my emotions.


2) Did you give in or did you pass on it and why?

I never got there. God stopped me! A huge storm came up, and it was dangerous to drive. I am so fortunate in that regard.


3) In your opinion, should you reveal the fact that you were tempted to cheat your spouse-Why or why not?

Do you mean reveal to my husband?

Yes, I think it is important.

I did tell him.

He was shocked <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

LOL

I have made it a point to not place myself in vulnerable situations, so the 1st 2 answers are no.

I do not allow myself to ride alone with men, to go out to eat with other men, to talk about personal issues with other men, have "friendships" with other men, etc. I believe in being pro-active in affair proofing my M.

After my H's EA, he took on the same "rules", and we are both happy with them.

To the 3rd answer-
YES!! That is the best way to put out the fire.


I kinda had the same experience after my H's EA. I thought really hard about contacting one of my EX's. I didn't want to for me- I just wanted H to see how much it hurt, because he always acted like his EA was "no big deal" since their was no PA. I am so thankful I didn't.

No, I say 20 feet from temptations at all times. If anything starts to seem a little 'off', I go to 50 feet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I behave EXACTLY the way I'd want/expect my H to behave.

That said, at the end of my first marriage (after I had decided that I was probably going to have to D) I was working with a nice man, and he got me thinking... I started to want to have a real relationship with someone other than my H. NOT this guy, but someone. He kinda lit the fuse with me.

I wasnt tempted to have an A, with him or anyone, but I was inspired to get a D. And I did. I never dated that man. I was never alone with that man, and I didnt fantasize about him. But I fantasized about getting OUT of my marriage. He kinda reminded me that life didnt have to suck! H was miserable, and made our M miserable. I decided to leave miserable.

And no, I never told exH about him. He was abusive and getting worse, I had to make a clean, quick break. I DEFINITELY recommend telling IF you are staying in the marriage - Dru

LadyC, my comments about this thread were based on reading previous posts from CS.

She is under the misapprehension that this is a board filled with groupthink and only for BSs.

I just wanted to make a point.

Any faithful spouse who says they've never been tempted is lying.

Period.

....or they're not human. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

That said, there are degress of temptation, IMHO.

WAT

WAT, for the first 28 years of marriage I was never tempted or even approached inappropriately by a man.