When I wrote of emotional abuse, I'm talking about infidelity and betrayal and all which that implies. As opposed to "physical" abuse which you have experienced.

Thanks for posting that. Now everyone can pick sides for themselves-oops...I meant "see for themselves."

Well, that was a long time ago. And I got my revenge when ex-boyfriend tried to get back together with me abot a year later.


He asked me to meet him for coffee in Manhattan. I agreed becasue I was curious and when I saw him I didn't even recognize him.


I mean-Good Lawd-this mofo went from ADONIS to JACK BLACK. But I was still my fione self.

You just made me smile. Thanks...

Well, y'all...

This thread has been interesting, entertaining, and a little sad.

I'm still working on my conflict avoidance issues and ain't quite ready to go head to head any further in this one.

I'm heading out now for a week... going to a nice cabin in a beautiful provincial park (there are some nice places on the Prairies).

I'm assuming I won't still see this thread going when I get back.

Take care.

Shaden

Co signed!

This thread will be dead when you get back but fear not-when you return my groupies will have followed me to another thread and cyberbeaten be to a bloody cyberpulp-LOL!

Have a great time...

You know, CS, if you'd get over thinking everybody here is out to getcha, you might be surprised at what good friends we can be to you.

If Mrs. W. had wanted to embarrass you, she would have pasted that post here in the first place instead of emailing you to offer her hand of support. Instead, you snapped at her hand, and YOU are the one who made a big deal of it here.

I know you said your "friend" was using your computer and your ID to post on that forum, but that doesn't really make sense. It makes sense to use your computer, in case her H put a keylogger on hers; but, there's no reason why your "friend" should have used your ID and email addy, when it's so easy to get her own.

Your vehemence in hammering Sbmmal about abusing his wife did make me wonder if your H was abusing you. And, no, I'm no the one who "researched" you and found you on the other forum.

The way you come across to me is as if you EXPECT people to attack you, so you go on the offense and get your licks in first.

You really don't have to do that here. Really, you don't. Oh, sure, we might give a few virtual 2x4s to those members whose behaviors are really screwing up their marriages, but it's not done to be hurtful.

And, the 2x4s we were heaping on your head were not done to hurt you, but to PROTECT Neak and Sbmmal from being hurt by you. When you started posting, we had no idea who you were, and your initial focus on Neak and Sbmmal quite naturally made us wonder if you were Neak's H's FOW or Sbmmal's WW. That is likely why someone felt the need to find out who you were.

So, if you're serious about what you said in your last post and not just trying to appear sarcastic, how about toning down the bravado a bit and simply ask for what you need? I'm not sure what help we could give you, other than to try to figure out ways in which you can keep yourself and your son safe, but we can and will support you emotionally...if you will let us.

When is your H going to be deployed? That should give you some respite from abuse...assuming that you are indeed the person who is being abused.

Are you serous? LOL.... I started THIS thread, and believe me people came in here to get my [censored].

You should know that I am not interested in "friends" of your stripe

I like friends who have the following qualities (not an inclusive list):

-Able to debate and disagree without becoming angered at the lack of consensus.

-Fascinated by a lack of consensus and motivated to delve deeper without trying to figure out "what is wrong with the dissenter."

-Able to ask and answer questions and NOT go ape $hit when the answer isn't what they suspected or expected.





Lady Clueless,

The fact that someone could so easily find your Internet activity (as illustrated by what happened here) makes it extremely sensible to disguise yourself.

My friend and I are not Internet savvy, and that's all we could think of under the circumstances. Actually we were more thinking of her situation than "proper Internet protocol" at the time. The woman was distraught & I was horrified. She came over wanting to use my PC to find DV and divorce info, she, found the group, joined it, and started typing. I left it alone. At a time like that -I am going to say "Hey! STOP! create your own yahoo ID dammit!) There's really nothing more to it than that.

But please, come out with it, and say that I am a liar directly .

I believe that you need to think of me as a battered woman so you can have some kind of "explanation" as to why I don't agree with you and the others.

What makes no sense to me is the MB veterans claim that they want to help when contrasted against how they actually treat the dissenters. The resounding silence about the real marrital issue that I posted is also proof of their real intentions. The only response that I received on that one was a sarcastic comment from Mr. Wondering RIGHT AFTER he said he would help me if I posted marrital issues.

There are two edges to this:

*If you and the others truly believe I am a woman who has been beaten by her husband, then your behavior here is even more [color:"red"] reprehensible [/color]. Including and especially the posting of my alleged story. People who reveal their problems here, do so of their own free will. Others do not do it for them.

*If you don't believe it but are using it as a tactic to try to force me to leave the board, then you are ghouls of the lowest order.

Either way, I am still here and will be here as you can see by your visit to THE OTHER thread I created. I have no doubt that you will continue to visit my threads, becasue they will be interesting.

I am an inquisitive person who is well-known for asking damned good questions.

CS, so I have a question..... are you saying that there were 2 different people posting under your user name?

L.

Yes, Sir / Ma'am.

But-Not on this thread. On a Domestic Violence Support Group on yahoo groups...

The MB "researcher" found what my friend posted & allegedly emailed it to Mr. & Mrs Wondering for the purpose of promoting an "understanding" of why I did not share some of their views. These two then sent the yahoo email address associated with that post a message saying that they now "understand" my situation" and they wanted to help. My friend alerted me and I replied to them personally because I was outraged-I felt that a cyber witch hunt moved off the MB boards. I told them what they actually found and asked them not to contact me anymore OFF the MB boards.

You can see the messages for yourself because one of them posted the messages that we exchanged right here in this thread. They have also posted my friend's post from the Domestic Violence Support Group and said it was mine in order to get me to leave the board.


My friend and I decided to warn the others in the group because of obvious security issues.

As I said, I did not force the issue of her establishing her own email account because 1) I have a comcast account which I have had forever and which I consider to be much more user friendly; therefore I hardly used that yahoo address anyway. 2) I was not going to be an jerk about it and insist in the middle of what was happening that she NOT use the account.


The group has since been shut down and moved to a more secure site.

Why do you think that people are out to "get your [censored]"? Think about it, if so, it's because it's not because you have different opinions. Have you ever considered that it's how you use your opinions to attack others?


I think most people prefer friends who meet those requirements. So, don't you think you should be able to meet those requirements, also? By the way, the anger that was originally displayed toward you was not because of your opinions, but the way you used your opinions to browbeat and abuse Neak and Sbmmal. When we objected to your awful treatment of them, YOU are the one who went "ape $hit".


Although I was not the researcher who found you, I had already formed an opinion that abuse must be a serious issue in your own life, due to your treatment of Sbmmal, if, of course, you weren't his wife or a cohort of hers. That was the only explanation I could find for why a stranger would pick out his post and start relentlessly pounding on him for being an abusive husband (who, BTW, stated that he had never hit his wife). And, you kept doing so, despite the fact that others told you that you were being abusive to him. The man was here for HELP, and had already decided that some of his "control issues" may have been abusive toward his wife.

Since you don't have any experience with infidelity, you didn't (and probably still don't) understand that many BS do try to look at themselves to see what it was they were doing that led their WS to have an affair. Yes, most of the time, we weren't meeting our spouse's needs, but it's not the BS's fault that the WS cheated. However, many of us start believing the WS's claims of being abused..or whatever the WS is claiming, and we often believe that we were worse than we were. IMHO, before hammering Sbmmal about being abusive, it would have been a good idea to find out exactly what kind of controlling behaviors his wife was calling abusive. Angry outburst? Well, I'm sure that most people have had those at some point or another. Sometimes, an angry outburst is understandable, although the angry spouse should express anger in a more constructive way. For instance, suppose Sbmmal had an angry outburst upon learning that his wife had maxxed out a credit card, despite having repeatedly explained that their financial situation couldn't handle any more debt? Probably shouldn't have had an angry outburst, but he is like the rest of us..only human and we don't always think before we act. It wouldn't be wrong for him to be angry, though. And, suppose that Sbmmal cancelled other credit cards, or had the limit reduced on them, so that his wife couldn't continue to pile unbearable debt upon their heads. Would you consider that to be controlling and abusive behavior? Well, I would certainly call it taking control of the finances, but in the situation I've outlined, I don't think that this "controlling behavior" would be be abusive. Would you?

Our issue with you, in regards to Sbmmal, is that the man was in Iraq, in a perilous and dangerous position, while dealing with recently learning that his wife is in yet another affair, and desperately seeking help to learn how to rebuild his marriage. He was already feeling LOW (bad news in a situation where his LIFE depends on his ability to deal with his problems), and here comes CinnamonSugar...telling him that his wife is gone for good, to forget about trying to save the marriage, and proceeding to let him know what a horrible abuser he is (when you don't even know what behaviors of his were being called abuse) and that he needs to fix himself, blah, blah, blah. Well, what do you think MB is all about? Yes, MB is for helping people rebuild their marriages, but the core of the principles is that they have to work on fixing and changing themselves...and that the changes have to be permanent.

Nobody disagreed with you that an abuser needs to work on and resolve his issues before he can have a good relationship or marriage.

Your behavior toward Sbmmal is what we disagreed with you about.

Your treatment of Neak is what initially raised our alarm. She and her FWH are in recovery and in love with each other. Why did you single her situation out as being so horrible?
While dealing with a WS is horrible in itself, her FWH's affair was relatively short-term, and I don't think he was ever OUT of love with Neak. Neak is an amazing woman, with great strength and courage. She loves her H, and she took the bull by the horns and fought for her marriage, and won. So, if Neak loves her H, won him back from the clutches of a desperate OW, and is happy, who are you to say that she should have dumped him.

Oh, and the STD thing you kept castigating Neak about...well, there are other BS who actually did contract an STD from their WS...usually before they found out their WS was cheating.

There are plenty of stories on the boards of WS who have treated their BS, and even their children, so badly that I have been astounded. Look up inTexas, Pepsi, Cherished (her H broke her arm, as she will tell you), Mortarman, GoodFather, HurtinginOK, DazedandConfusedKS (not sure of the ID on that one), and many others. So, why did you pick on Neak? Was it because she was actually being helpful to Sbmmal?



I don't need to think of you as anything. Again, your opinions were not what I disagreed with..well, not all of them, anyway. What I disagreed with was your hatefulness toward Neak, Sbmmal, and anyone who disagreed with you. Your vehemence and apparent hostility toward Sbmmal were what led me to think that you had a personal issue with abuse.


Actually, I perceived that you were being sarcastic about the issue you posted, so I didn't respond. Besides, you stated that you had concluded that your H was 100% correct. So, since you had apparently resolved that issue, what was there for anyone to say?


We have responded, in kind, to your [color:" red"] reprehensible [/color] behavior. As far as your alleged story, I believe you were the one who brought it to this board in your post of July 21st, at 9:06 p. m.

Because you distorted the whole issue in an apparent effort to discredit the Wonderings, it became necessary to have those posts pasted here, so others could see the whole story and judge for themselves.


I personally don't care who posts on this board, so long as they don't deliberately try to hurt people. I don't worry about trying to force people to leave the board, because sooner or later, the moderators can/will take care of that lil' job.


Yes, I did visit your other thread. I thought I'd give you a chance to start over and see if you could actually treat others with respect. I do give you credit for trying. I was pleasantly surprised to see that you actually seem to consider the points of view that others had to offer.

That being said, we've told you what we've learned that we didn't know when we came to MB, as well as WHY. However, when we've asked you what made you believe certain things, you've gone on the attack and let us know that nothing would make you change your opinion. You've been asked what facts led you to your conclusions, and I believe you said that you didn't have any facts...that it was just your opinion and you weren't changing your mind. I'm curious as to how you come to your opinions, then. I generally take what I know and have experienced, and form my opinions from those. Oh, and I believe that your opinion of yourself is highly inflated. You really are not that important. What's important to us is that you not be allowed to hurt others with your vindictiveness.


Except you didn't bother to ask any questions before you started jumping Sbmmal's case.


Look, I'm going to lay it on the line for you.

When I first started reading your posts, my initial thoughts were, "OMG! What a witch (with a b)!" Then, as I kept reading your posts to Sbmmal, my thoughts changed to "Why is she going after Sbmmal when she doesn't even know what is being called abuse?" From there, it was very easy to draw the conclusion that abuse had been/must be a very big issue in your life. I don't think I was the only one who was thinking this. I imagine that whoever researched your email addy may have also been wondering about it. Then, after reading the posts under your ID on that forum, and noting that the posting style is very much like yours here, as well as the pertinent information matching what you've posted here, it was very easy to conclude that you were one and the same person. If you are not, I apologize.

I also have some opinions about abuse, and I don't think you will like them, but here goes.

First, I want to emphatically state that abuse is WRONG. It is NEVER OK to hit your spouse. The only exception I would make is if my spouse was hitting me and I had a weapon at hand that would stop him.

I think that most people have an image of an abused wife being this sweet lil' woman who quakes in her boots at the thought of displeasing anyone or standing up for herself. I don't think this is always true.

I've heard people say that some women like being beaten. I used to disagree with that statement vehemently. That doesn't mean that I totally agree with it now. I don't think women like being beaten black and blue, BUT I do think that some women like the drama and the sympathy of others. They actually seem to relish being a "victim". I also think that some of these women actually instigate a lot of the violence in their lives. Sure..their husbands definitely DO have a problem with their anger and inability to control it; hence, they lash out with their hands and fists when provoked. I'm not talking about the man who comes home drunk and just decides to beat the crap out of his wife because she's there. I'm talking about the man who has a wife who thrives on drama and who knows how to make him angry enough to lash out...and does it. IMHO, both of these people need some serious help.


So, what I am seeing here is a woman who comes to MB and immediately starts lashing out at a hurting BS, gets a whole bunch of 2X4s from veteran posters (who then offer help, which she does not want), and then continually talks about how cyberbullies are after her and trying to run her off the board, but she is soooo brave and will stand her ground, blah, blah...hmmmm...


Well, that does it...I'm not in this little drama anymore. Everybody else can decide for themselves whether or not they want to be transformed into your "abuser".


Have a nice life.

As far as SB and IRAQ goes. There are lot's of husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, and uncles, in Iraq. My husband has been to Iraq THREE times, and he has been in each and every conflict that the US has engaged in for the past 20 years. My husband will be going to Iraq once again in a few months. Iraq is not the issue. And, if SB had enough time to be posting up in here while in IRAQ as much as he did , [color:"blue"]he clearly was NOT in a HOT ZONE [/color].

SB's Iraq duty is not the issue. The man came to the boards for support and requested advice. If someone asks for that that is what they should receive even if some portions of it are hard to swallow; however, the collective we's brand of advice and support includes denial and high-fiving-something that did not serve SB well at all.

All I did was ask questions. I asked: Have you abused your wife? What "felonies" (his word!) have you "committed" (his word!) against your wife? Why are your in-laws co-signing the accusation of abuse? He avoided answering once or twice but then I repeated the questions, and he answered.




Lady Clueless, I think you should speak for yourself.

Repeatedly using the words "We felt"... "That's why we reacted to you this way"... and any form of "We this and that" appear foolish in this particular situation since the actions of the collective we do not match up with what you are saying here.

You are contradicting the collective we when you say that we retaliated against me by going blow for blow because the collective we claims that they were only trying to "help" a soul in need. They hold this claim for each and every action they have taken up to and including the posting of my friend's private story after saying they do not intend to OUT anyone.

Judging by your rather lengthy post here appears that the collective we have some coordinating to do.

But-if what you say is true: That I will not be experiencing any more of your "good intentions" I am satisifed with that.

That's what I thought-LOL!