Here's the message:

K,

I'm seriously concerned with the developments in the last two days. I want you to understand something. I don't care to interact with you in anything other than a friendly or cordial way. What I DO want is access to the kids. I am now being denied that access by you. I live 5 minutes away, yet seeing my kids for a few minutes or a few hours is now something you're against.

Not only that, but you ignore my phone calls. Understand, I'm not calling to talk to you. I want to talk to (Daughter) and eventually to the boys when they can respond.

I'm sure if I was one of your buddies from this site (myspace) you wouldn't hesitate to answer my calls. You have more respect for men you've only known for a few months than for a man that stood by you through all the medical stuff and depression and everything else you put me through the last 7 years. Aparently none of that was of any value to you and you have no respect for the fact that I stood by your side through all of it without complaint and sacrificed my career in the process.

Understand this: I WILL NOT tolerate being limited in my contact with my children. Denying me access by not answering my calls or having the courtesy to return them or giving me a number I can reach the kids on during the day is denial of access. Telling me I can't spend any time with them during the week is unreasonable.

So how are we going to settle this? It is your choice. I want to come to an agreement between you and I, but you're aparently not willing to talk to me about this and expect me to live by the rules that you set. I'm telling you now that you're not dealing the the doormatt you've seen all these months. I'm finally getting on my feet and seeing how much I've given up in all of this by simply letting you take everything, including the kids.

I will no longer be a doormatt. I strongly suggest you start returning my calls and not deny me access to the kids. Avoiding talking to me in regards to a custody and visitation arangement is not constructive.

It's your choice. Like I said, I have come to accept that you will not reconcile with me and would rather take your chances with one of these idiots on the internet. That's fine. But denying me access to the kids, especially when I live so close is not right. Our divorce agreement states "reasonable" visitation by the father. Up to this point it's been reasonable. Not letting me see them during the week is not. Not answering my calls so I can talk to my daughter at night before she goes to bed is not.

The problem is that you're not thinking long term and are only thinking short term. You've taken a man out of your life that was willing to do anything to save his marriage and be a good father. ANYTHING, including cutting contact with his mother.

Not too many men out there will jump at the chance of jumping in with you with three kids. And based on your choices, such as (guy I saw her with), I have no confidence about what kind of disaster you're going to bring into their lives. To you this is some far off thing. Since I see no reconciliation on the horizon, it is clear to me that this is the path you're taking.

I will not be sitting by twiddling my thumbs and waiting for you to get done sowing your oats before you decide you want to come back and realize what you've thrown away in regards to our family.

Lets talk and settle this like adults and do what is best for our kids.



To prepare myself, I have consulted a lawyer and plan on holding her in contempt of court and requesting a modification of custody. I'd rather work it out with her before doing that, though.

I guess if you're pretty certain that there's no chance for reconciliation the letter is fine.

There's a lot of lecturing and lovebusters in there about her behavior, which I definitely understand, but none of that will amount to a hill of beans to her because of her mental state.

Good luck.

What's the point? If you want to co-parent your children then get your posterior back in court and quit screwing around.

All you have been doing on this site is trashing your XW and pumping yourself up. If you aren't doing that, you are feeling sorry for yourself.

Your email is full of DJ's and Demands. How would YOU respond to such a letter?

Get with the program! The longer you wait, the harder it will be to obtain partial legal custody. Right now you have nothing. You have no custody or parenting schedule whatsoever.

You are also emotionally unstable. Are you pursuing counseling since your stay in the phych hospital? You will need a clean bill of health when you get to court. How can your XW trust that you will not have another episode while the kids are with you?

Stop making this about her. It's about YOU and your kids. You need to get better. You need to go back to court. You need a court ordered parenting schedule. Do you want 'reasonable' visitation or do you want established, documented, weekly parenting time with your children?

Hello Papaof3!

bear in mind I am just a newbie here.

But,

Since I have been following you since your first post I'll give you my opinion:

I believe this letter has way too much information. And is also too agressive.

Something more like a plan B letter?

Like:

Telling her that the last developments led you to require No Contact with her.
You can do it thru her parents.
You REALLY want to be with YOUR kids.
You really want to talk to your kids by phone, and that doesn't mean you have to talk to her.
Tell her you're moving on with your life and that you need your kids as you will always be their father.
Show her you're natural and getting over the D.
Leave it as less emotional as possible.

Read some plan B letters here and make one to your situation.


I still wander how are her parents coping with all of this.
How's your relationship with them?

Be strong! Get on with your life. If she's ever to come back she will only do it when she see up and moving.

Don't chase her... Don't ever use the kids to be in contact with her. Never mention her behave again. There's nothing you can do or say to change that.

Give it time.

Please make a GOOD plan B. It's the best way, IMO, for you to ever have a chance or having her back.

I didn't read it all but I was turned off by the fact you made it all about what she wasn't doing to your satisfaction. I would be mad if I received that letter and I would be sure I worked very hard NOT to grant your requests.

Papaof3,

I agree with the previous posters, this letter is much too angry too get a point across.

What I noticed most about it though is what ISN'T there.

At first it seems that the letter is meant to deal with not seeing the children but each and every mention of your lack of time with them is followed by a statement about your wife's behaviour. To me, it seems like you are using the situation with your children to get at your wife.

She's not letting you see them and that is WRONG and you have a legitimate complaint with that. This letter though reads like a list of threats, recap of wrong doings and dire predictions about her personal life.

None of that is at issue if what you are looking for is more time with your children. I guarantee you she reads it the same way.

If it is fair time with the children you are looking for I would write a letter stating:

Wife,

I have been trying to contact you to set up a time to see the children and have been unable to do so. We have had an open policy in regards to access to the children up until now and they have been benefiting from that arrangement and it meets the requirements for visitation as set out in our parenting plan. Our children need to know the love and security from both of us and I am concerned that I haven't been able to see them for X days.

Please contact me with a time that I can see them on X day(s). If there is a problem I need to know so we can find a resolution before it begins to affects the children. They have been and remain my primary concern and priority.

If she doesn't respond take the letter along with a record of the times and dates you have tried to contact her in the past and see your lawyer.

Threatening or bullying her isn't going to get either of you anywhere but in a pissing match. It isn't going to gain you your objective of more time with your children.

In fact, either way I would speak with a lawyer to see about options to tighten up that parenting plan. "Reasonable visitation" is far too vague in my experience. You'll end up playing games with the definition of "reasonable" if the two of you aren't able to put aside your hostility for each other.

FIM

Thanks for the inputs. I knew it would be wiser to post this here and get inputs before actually sending it. It is very hard to keep emotions in check at a time like this and MB can be a great sounding board.

I need to clarify some things and get on a soapbox for a sec.

I'm a BS. I came home from the war, was full of love for my wife which grew while I was deployed. I was blindsided by what happened. Never saw it coming. On top of that, I was pulled from flying, gave up my career in the AF which is all I ever wanted to do, left the military and was unemployed, moved to an area where I had very few friends and no family, am dealing with divorce and separation of my children, and on top of that am dealing with a WS that is someone I once loved very intesely and don't know anymore. I have had A LOT happen in a very short amount of time.

It reached a breaking point where I was so depressed it was becoming dangerous and recognized I needed help. I voluntarily went to the hospital and voluntarily stayed in the program. My lawyer says the court would likely commend me for recognizing on my own that I was in trouble and needed help.

Finally, it is a major change of gears to think of my ww as an adversary. This is someone that just a few months ago I loved very deeply and wanted to cherish and care for. It is not easy to suddenly think of them as someone that is bad and I need to fight with. I still have apprehension at the idea of hitting her with contempt, despite the fact that she's done all she's done.

Do I feel less apprehension now vs three months ago? Yes. That's why I'm taking the steps to do this.

I know that messages that are cool, calm, collected and more buisness oriented are what's best.

This is the message I sent instead. I wrote it right after I wrote the other one, but the back of my mind told me it was too harsh. So I wrote this one instead. Opinions please:


WW,

I'm concerned that you don't return my calls and don't have Amanda call me before bed. This really bothers me. I hope it isn't a trend.

I really want a number I can call the kids on during the day just like I have been doing so all this time.

It is obvious your cell isn't going to do since you constantly ignore my calls.

I am not a doormatt and I will not put up with this for long. You have no right to restrict my access to the kids or tell me that I can't see them during the week, especially when you live all of 5 minutes away.

I'm asking for the right to stop by on my way home from work and saying hi to the kids for a few minutes. I'll even do it when you're not there. This is hardly a big request. I'm also asking to have them over to eat at my place a few times a week.

So how are we going to resolve this? Are you going to continue to ignore my calls? I NEED to talk about this and I am not going to be happy being ignored forever. I've been playing all of this by your rules for too long. What I'm asking for is not unreasonable.

It is wrong that you deny me this and continue to avoid my attempts to talk to me about this.

Call or write in order to resolve this. Messenger is fine too.

Have you send it already?

If not, "faithinme" kind of letter would be more appropriated.

Please read and go PLAN B.

Arrange a way for you to talk and be with your kids without talking to her.

This is the best chance to ever get her back. plan B

You still have a letter full of LBs. FIM's letter would be a better choice.

This is the letter I sent, the response I received and the response to her response.

Opinions please:

Friday is coming up. When can I pick up the kids?

Their birthdays are coming up. Did you want to do anything for the boys?

I'm very concerned that you will not talk to me about what kind of visitation agreement we're going to have. Not only that, but I don't like the fact that I can't call the kids during the day anymore like I always did before. What is your home number?

The kids need both parents in their lives. I cannot be reduced to a daily phone call and weekend visits and still be expected to be effective as a parent. It is in their interest for me to remain a regular and active part of their lives.

I would like to take them to dinner during the week. This will give you a break and would let me see them and it would keep me active in their lives.

I'm asking for Tuesdays and Thursdays but am open to your suggestions otherwise.

We cannot resolve this unless we communicate. If you want to do it via e-mail that's fine. But we need to resolve this.

If the roles were reversed I know I would open my house to you regardless of how upset I was with you. You're their mother and I would never keep you from seeing them or participating in their lives. I could be extremely angry with you, but I could set that aside for a few minutes while you came over and bathed them and put them to bed. I know I would do this if the roles were reversed.

I came over Sunday, didn't stay long, and was civil. I thought we were progressing and I'm not asking for much more than what happened Sunday. It's not like you're married or have a boyfriend that's going to be bothered by me coming over to help with the kids.

Let's resolve this, please.



This is her response:


I am working on trying to come up with a visitation schedule.
I don't have a home phone yet.
Just because I now live close to you doesn't mean that I want you coming over all the time like that...I have never heard of a man coming info his ex's house several times a week like that...it's too difficult and weird and think you are living in "dream" land if you believe that's the way divorce and visitation work.
You can pick the kids up at 6 Friday if you want and bring them back sunday morning by 10:30 so I can see them a bit before nap time. Please don't get used to every weekend having them so much because I'm only doing it like this right now until I can figure out a visitation schedule with someone.
Do not call my cell fifty million times a day. Just like last night, I will have amanda call you before bed, no need to call me. You need to realize that in my eyes I'm trying to do what is best for them as well. Sorry you don't see or understand that, but they need stability and routine...one reason I'm trying to do the schedule. Yes you have a right to see your kids, but you assume that I live close so you can see them whenever you want...not the case. I am trying to build a life here as well....set up a home, create a nice environment here for the kids, be happy, but you can't be hovering around EVERY day the way you are...I feel like I never have a break from you being around..calling, messaging, email... you should be trying to make some kind of life for yourself as well...spend some time making a home, make some friends, explore some hobbies, something, and soon we can have a schedule so there is no need for you to question and contact all the time...you will know what to expect and when.

By the way, you never learn....STOP CALLING MY PARENTS' HOUSE!

My response to this:


Who is this someone and why is this being done without my inputs?

You are completely going about this the wrong way. You don't do this with someone else, you do it with me.

You are again under the mistaken assumption that it is you that I want to see. It isn't. I want to see the kids.

I also feel that if the only time I get to see them is the weekends then you will get them Sunday night, not 1030. It is only fair since you have them every day.

Don't lecture me about hobbies or getting a life. I have a great job, great friends, and plenty of things of my own to do. This does not, however, in any way shape or form take the place of the time with my kids that I have a right to have and that they have a right to have.

Again, I will not accept a unilaterally devised visitation schedule. It will be done between you and I or not at all. I'm not going to accept what "someone" feels I should have.

Your choice on how we go about this.