i have gotten SUCH good advice and food for thought here...thanks.

the more i think, and from what you are all saying, i am almost certain my H is having an EA..without details, i am fairly certain it is just an EA (for now). i have made somewhere around 5-7 diff attempts to elicit a confession, even after phone calls, but our kids are friends, so there were 'reasons". altho it may be naive, knowing her, i am not even certain she is IN the EA (ie recipricol), but his anger to me and confusion (ie take the chance and blow my family over a what if??) just explains everything.

how do i get the confession? my sense is that it is a necessary first step, and if you start plan a, he is angry, doesnt that push him more away? we just started mc, he is very skeptical of it, so i worry if i confront him there, he will run.

thoughts?? tia

Tia,

What have you read from here? If you suspect an EA, read surviving an affair. If you need to improve in your communication skills with your H, read His Needs/Her Needs. Both are by Dr. Harley.

You can't get a confession until the WS is ready to give one. Why depend on a WS or possible WS? Instead your concentration s/b on what you can control....yourself. Learn t/d a good plan A which will benefit you and your family anyway. If he still is a WS after you have done a good plan A, then you will have your answer and plan B will be the next step for your survival.

Best to be preapred. While doing so, pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. When he gets angry, you get nice. If this irriates him, then you are already having a confession of sorts. Learn to take this info without reacting much. You can vent to your support group, your IC/MC or here. Just be cautious about how you vent to your support group.

Breathe.....deep calming breathes help clear your mind so you don't lose your cool. Don't hyperventilate or make life changing decisions while highly emotional.

Read and let us know how you are doing.

take care,
L.

Tia,


My advice would be to CALM yourself, as Orchid already noted. Hash with some thought, what you want to know and what you want to ask. Come right out and say that you think this is happening. Better yet, if you aren't sure make sure so that you can say what you have to with awareness. Choose a good time and setting. Don't have talks like this in front of little ones or when one of you are busy or something like that. Try to avoid angry words and mannerisms. And listen. Very carefully. Try not to interrupt. Lastly, but important, do pray, as Orchid also noted.

When my H finally confessed I had so much I wanted to say and felt so hurt. I could hear myself interrupting as he was trying to say something. When I interrupted he shut down. Also, some things that my H lied about I ws able to find the truth about later on. WS may not tell the truth about the whole situation.

Wish you the best. May God bless.

Sticking with your assumption that it is an EA, don't expect a confession and don't seek one using the term "affair." Society at large does not consider an "affair" to occur without sex in the form of intercourse.

In the throes of her addiction, my XW screamed at me, "I'm NOT having an AFFAIR!!! I'm IN LOVE with OM - what part about that don't you understand???" At the time, she may not yet have had sex with him, hence her "denial". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I had caught them kissing, but because I couldn't "prove" it, it didn't happen.

So, similarly to these two (your H and OW), an EA is very likely a non-affair - even if they understood what an EA was because they're "just friends".

Now, let's suppose you're wrong about the "just an EA". In that case it's even less likely you'll get a confession until one of them comes out of their stupor and regains their integrity.

So forget about a confession for now.

Plan A, Plan A, Plan A.

Remember, you cannot make anybody do anything - much less an affairee.

WAT
-------------------
In my book, kissing is touching, and that starts with T and that rhymes with P and that stands for physical affair (with apologies to Meredith Willson).

You have gotten a lot of good advice here. Listen.

WAT is right, it will do you no good to badger him for a confession. It will just annoy him and push him further underground. He is not going to bust himself. That is why you have to do it! You have to gather the evidence yourself and independently find out and THEN present that to him. Don't ever ASK, but TELL him you KNOW when you have the facts.

In the meantime, read up on Plan A and start that TODAY. Do you have the Harley books?