Feeling a little sad and confused these days and I'm hoping that is "normal" I have posted here and there on the boards but have been reading a lot.

A little background I am a BS who can't seem to get over all the lying and deception. Somedays I look at my WS and I am so turned off by how he could lie to me. I think what hurt me most is when I discovered the affair and confronted him he still carried on. He has since quite his job and has had no contact with the OW since March 27th.

I can go along have a few good days then all of a sudden I'm back to how could you do this to me didn't you feel any guilt etc I'm afraid that I'll never be able to forgive him just looking at him somedays really just makes me sick to my stomach - and he just wants to put the entire thing behind us and move on but I just can't.

I'd like to hear from some BS who have managed to forgive and move on...........

I guess I'm just feeling a little sad today and to be honest I"m feeling sorry for myself.........

sadtimes, an affair is the greatest betrayal a spouse can inflict to their marriage. It is as traumatic as the death of a child, so don't expect the grieving to go by quickly. For me, the 8-9 month mark was the worst. It was when all the anger came to the forefront. It started getting a little better every month after that until I rarely thought it about it anymore.

But what you are going through sounds like a perfectly normal average recovery. Like you, I felt nothing but revulsion for my H and lost all respect for him. You will never forget this, but there will come a day when you don't think about it as often. Just be patient.

Hi Sadtimes, I just thought I'd post my thoughts, though I'm the WS in my case. My BH is going through what you are going through- okay for a couple of days, then mad and sad again, then okay......please hang in there. If your WS is anything like me, then he's woken up to the fact that he loves you and wants things to work and really just wants you to give him the time he needs to SHOW you he has changed. Because we all know that the words of a WS are not worth much. But give him a chance to show you he's making the changes necessary to have a happy marriage. That is my ulitmate fear, that my DH will just call it quits before I have a chance to prove to him how sorry I am for all the hurt my actions have caused.

So I just wanted you to have a WS perspective. What you are doing- hanging in there and trying to give it an other chance- is so......Christlike...and forgiving.....that is the most important thing you can do. And I know for myself, if my DH just will give me TIME.....I can show him how repentant and sorry I am.

As long as your WH isn't trying to act like "it's no big deal." He needs to be showing you and trying to make things better than ever and fulfilling your EN's.

Just my $.02.

I have experienced both things in my life and I see two important differences.
When you loose a child, there is nothing you can do to bring it back.
No options, no choices.
No working on the M, no recovery, or - when all else fails - no D & rebuilding your life.
On the other hand there is no betrayal to get over.

Difficult choice - if any such choice would exist in life?
Nope. I'd go for the betrayal/A anyday.

In fact what kept me going was the thought that if I could get over the death of my son - I could get over this, too.
If time can heal such a wound;
if I can stop thinking about such an enormous loss every minute of every day;
then I can overcome this too.. and I did.

I think that forgiving means that you decide to really stay in the M.
Not to punish a FWS some more, but because you love the FWS and want to WORK on the M together.
Because at some point you feel safe enough to take the jump and open up emotionally.
Even if you need boundaries and assurance to slowly let your confidence grow, not blindly, but wisely.
If pain and anger do flare up - it's because of the pain the A caused, not because of the FWS's current behavior.
If BS and FWS can understand this, that's when I think they are forgiving and moving on.

You will need time to process this !
Move on.. and take it with you for as long as you need it, talk about it, go to counseling... don't bury it.
And at the same time.. learn about each other's EN's.
And try to do fun (new) things together to build new memories.
That will feel like "moving on" to your H.
But make him understand that you need to process the A.. that it's not yet digested !!

is your boyfriend still living away from home?

Oh absolutely. When I say it is as traumatic as losing a child, I don't discount the critical differences. The similarity, for me at least, was the intensity of the initial SHOCK. It was the same.

But as you pointed out, there can be a solution to infidelity; there is no solution to a dead child. There is purposeful betrayal in adultery; not so with the death of a child. Another difference is that one can recover from infidelity, one never gets over losing a child.

moveforward,

Yes he is but we are still in contact and he asks me on a daily basis if he can move back home. I am really torn as I'm still in love me with but that just makes me feel like more of an a$$. I just keep thinking what is wrong with me that I would actually take hime back and forgive him after what he did to me. If I let myself we can actually have a good time but sometimes I'm so anger that he put us through all of this that I think to myself that he doesn't deserve to be with me that I deserve better. Part of me is embarassed by the fact that I took him back.

We have been to MC together and I have been to IC but I'm not sure either one was much help.

oh wow, you are not even married to this guy? If it were me, I would just move onto someone who WAS marriage material. Do you feel he is good marriage material?

Actually it was me who never wanted to get married I had been married once before he seemed okay with that but I think that was part of what was bothering him it isn't much of a talker. We did have joint checking and savings accounts, as well as credit cards etc. We had everything together it was like we were married w/o the legal aspect of it.

sometimes I think to myself maybe I just can't forgive and sometimes I think why should I forgive. Its like I want him to tell me he is sorry every day I want to know every single day that he feels sorry for what he did. Maybe that just isn't reasonable.

mrsrob that was really one of the most moving things on here that i have read. I hope and pray my wife is as truly repentant as you seem to be. It would give me much solace in the pain i have been living with daily if i could see her feeling that way. She expresses it but her actions and words sometimes do not match what she says.
The first step is surely to realize the pain you have caused another you love. Thank you.