Hello all,

I can and have admitted that my relationship with my SIL was an EA.

While it has been over for a while, wife has become a WS. She is done 100%. I told her that there was no PA, but she can not believe it.

How do i show / prove to her and regain her trust?

I want to recoever my marriage <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

When did you admit this to her?

I have been admitting it and as latest as yesterday.

she has become a ws? is she in an active affair?

I believe she is out on the market, meeting OM, she is on match.com.

Even thought I know, she said I have no ties to her because she is "legally separated"

never, did you remove all the qualifiers when you "admitted" it? When you admitted it here, you told us it wasn't really an EA but it was her "perception" that mattered. Is the affair still a product of her "perception" or is it a matter of reality?

And does she have trouble believing that you never slept with the OW during the days when the OW came over to your house while your W was at work? What amazing restraint that must have been.

Here is what you told me before:


Did you admit it was truly an affair this time?

You know what? yes i admitted i had an EA......

Amazing restraint, no just morals, I have value system in place from when I was raised by my mother. Even though I thought is was a harmless friendship, I have realize that while not a PA, it was an EA.

There are children and family involved.

But your "morals" did not extend to the prevention of an emotional affair carried on in your own home while your W was at work? Does your wife find that believable?

Actually it wasn't at my house, we were together alot because of our children, same ages, 5 houses away. etc.

Yes the Ea was wrong too. but how can a friendship / EA be differentiated?

when you are allowing someone else to meet the needs that are your spouse's responsibility and right to meet.

OK, totally understood,

I am and will be willing to allow my spouse to meet those needs until we are divorced.

How do i get her to recover with me?

She is WS now, do i wait it out?

sounds like you are planning to divorce?

You said earlier she came to your house during the day when your W was at work:


And then when your SIL heard that your W suspected an affair she came to your home and CONFRONTED your wife and had a fight with her in your own home. You defended the OW and "held your ground," right?



I am confused now. I thought you said earlier you admitted it was an EA but now we are back to "friendship?" What exactly have you admitted? Or are we back to denial in one short thread?

Your marriage has been DESTROYED over this innocent "friendship" that, according to you was no more significant than a "friendship" with some guy. It just happened to be a WOMAN. Not only did you refuse to stop it when your wife asked you to stop, but your "friendship" compelled you to say:




Yet, we are expected to believe that you would cause your wife such grief over a mere "friendship" to the point that she feels compelled to leave you? You would sacrifice your marriage and your children's security for a mere "friendship?"

Do you find that explanation to be working for you?

Either this was an affair or you are so profoundly thoughtless of your wife's feelings that you probably don't deserve a wife.

ok,

We spent time outside, in my court, or at bus stop etc.

SIL came to wife yes, no i held my ground and did not fight with my wife, i gave her answers, thinking that it was a friendship. She is technically a relative and that would be incestual. But knowing what i have learned now it was EA, big or small. I am not defending her.

The question was merely a question not a denial in one short post. There are other factors that have destroyed my marriage as well. I am and have taken accountability for my part and my mistakes.

N

No, I do not want a divorce.....

I never even wanted a separation....

I am fighting thru this, my wife is pushing....

I am TRYING.....

I WANT MY MARRIAGE

never, your answers are evasive and serve at every turn to minimize or spin the truth. Your wife knows this is hopeless unless you are radically honest and she would be right about that.

For example, you said your "morals" prevented you from having a PA, and when I asked why they didn't prevent you from carrying on an EA in your W's home, you evaded the question by saying "oh no, we weren't in this home," as if that were the issue.

And then proceeded to minimize the contact as meeting at the bus stop or "outside." [after you already stated that you "I would then put my son on the bus and hang out with my sister-in-law a few times a week until my wife came home. " the everchanging, slippery story] You put your kid on the bus in the MORNING and your W came home late in the afternoon, so that is ALL DAY. That is more than "meeting at the bus stop." It is that kind of crap that makes you unbelievable.

I honestly can't blame your wife for running in the face of an unbelievable, everchanging "story" like that. If there is no honesty, there will never be any recovery and she knows this.

No my son was in 1/2 day kindergarden and it was for a few hours and not everyday.

Look I am being honest to you all here and to my wife, family, etc......

Morals was one of the reasons, plus i never ever thought of her that way. I can admit that i did like to talk to her and not about my problems but because we had similarities.
During my time of being out of work and problems the relationship was an "out". She didn't have ties to me as a husband and didn't want me to be anything either. She had a husband who put her on a pedastal(sp).

I was lacking that part of my marriage, true friendship. we had family things in common, talking about children, the family BS. etc. My wife looked at me a s the financial provider and care taker of the children when she had enough. The emotional part was not there. She would only complain, never happy with anything we did. I always did things to try and make her happy. I would change my ways, things i liked to do (softball, having people over, going out with her and volunteering). she never wanted to do those things. I never got that from my SIL either.

She just let me be me.

I know who I am now, and I am what my wife fell in love with.

I did go thru a doubting time, selfish time. I have IB up the wazoo for a time and now when I look back, all for this.

I know why I am hating life......without her.....

Anyone out there?


Any response?

Never,

It seems like your WS is done.
I haven't read the whole story but it seems as though it took a long time to admit to the EA and even fought about it.

From where I stand the EA caused enough damage. Every BS has their breaking point. Yours may have been trying to get you to see your actions were indeed an EA and wrong.

You see I am in a spot right now that I know every word out of my FWW are justifications and excuses.

The question I always tell people to ask themselves is what would you think if your spouse was doing what you are/were doing. Would it have been OK for your W to have that type of realtionship? If no then what you were doing was wrong.

IMHO many times a FWS or a WS does not see that they are crossing their own boundries.

People have a choice to stay with a FWS or not to stay with them. Looks like your W has decided not to stay.

Maybe she still doesn't believe it was never physical. To me it always sounds a little skeptical when a man has a long EA that is in close proximity to the OW and it never turned physical.

Would that story pass your truth test? Would you believe that?