Get him the book "Surviving an Affair". It describes how a BS feels and it may give him insight into your mindset. If he is open to reading it.

Sit him down and tell him that you understand that he doesn't feel comfortable answering questions about what happened, but for you to move forward and not have questions in your head you really need some details. Ask him to tell you, no matter how painful it could be.

My WW wanted SF one night. Not because she wanted me, per say, simply a biological need she had. I jumped at the chance, even though I was worried I would picture her with this other man while doing things. Instead, I felt as if I had reclaimed what was once exclusive to me. My SF privilidges, if you will. Perhaps this is a man way of seeing it.

For you, reclaim Disneyland as your own. He's there with you, not her. Go and see it as reclaiming your territory and what was once exclusive to you. Think of it as the "liberation" in a military sense.

I hope this helps. I know exactly what you're going through. Until he answers these questions, you will have them in your head. Just sit him down and get it over with and try to remove your emotions from it all.

Thank you hurtingless and Papaof3.

I'm just so afraid of love busting right now, I don't say anything. We have our first MC meeting tomorrow night. We'll see how that goes.

Papaof3, I'm a mama of 3. I know what you mean about SF with spouse. Sometimes for me it can be nightmare-ish. I can't help it. I try, but all I can see is him with his paws all over HER. Honestly it makes me nauseous sometimes. But I feel like I have to "meet his needs." When I think about my own counseling, however, I might be breaking some boundaries. But I don't know because I don't quite have a handle on all this boundaries stuff yet.

I have a bazillion questions, some of them I am afraid to ask. One thing that's eating at me is a brochure I found from a church they went to on their little travel excursion to Florida. Church. I mean, think about it. Two infidels sitting in the pews before Jesus and God. What were they thinking? That they were somehow going to dupe them, too? It boggles the mind ...

What I would suggest is this then.

My sitch is different but I found myself lb'ing too. So I started putting my words and feelings in writing.

Two things it was very catharctic and two there was no arguing.

I said what I wanted to say. I told her we could talk about it but this is how I feel.

It helped a little.

hurtingless, did you write it down and then give it to her to read?

I just have so much stored up inside.

He just called from work. Second night in a row he wants to go have drinks with the guys after work. His best friend had a big blow out with his wife last night and wants to talk about it with my H over drinks. I had an attitude on the phone with H. His friend is having problems? Please. You just had an A, I wanted to say, and you should get your own a$$ home and work on YOUR relationship!

But I never say what I think because I'm afraid it will get me into trouble. Part of my codepenendcy, I think ...

I emailed it to her.

I am a codependant, enabler, with conflict avoidence issues so I know where you are coming from

I think the hard thing for a BS is dealing with the day to day crap.

Would it have bothered you if he wanted to go out tonight with his buddy before the A. Probably not. But now it does and it is hard for them to understand that.

You shouldn't be afraid to say it you should just reword it.
I might say if you are up to talking about relationships maybe you can come home and we can talk a little. In a loving voice.

My FWW used to talk with people about their M's and give them advice. I wanted to tell her that the last person that should be giving advice is you. But I didn't. LOL

Write it down. Read it a few times. Makes sure you have a thesaurus handy so you can make sure to word it correctly. Do not LB or DJ in it. Just use "I" alot.

I feel, I want, I need. When you... it hurts me. ETC ETC.

It helped me at least get it off my chest.

No, I wouldn't have got upset before the A if he went out. The thing is, I trusted him then. He went out quite a bit, much more than I ever have through our 24 years of marriage. He went out with buddies, played softball, played golf. Now when he says he's going out, I just don't know. Going where, for another hotel room, I want to say? Yikes. How am I ever, ever going to get over this one. I just don't know.

I'm thinking of emailing him now. I just don't know what to say. My therapist talks about boundaries with my codependency. So, I ask myself, does this cross a boundary? And if it does, what do I do? I don't understand the boundaries thing. They cross it. What action do you take then? Kick them out to the curbside?

I hate where I am today.

The sooner he understands that the better. In other words he should call and ask you if it is OK. If it isn't you should tell him.

I know it sucks but that is what it is now. You will never fully trust him again.

Do not email him now. Open up word and start typing. Then save it and re read it. I usually took at least one day between crafting it and sending it. I revised it a whole bunch of times.

Boundries are not ultimatums.

A boundry is a way you will accpet being treated if someone crosses it you have the right to progressively enforce it.

Kicking to the curb would be the last enforcement.

I still don't trust my FWW but now she finally understands that. It only took her 3 years to understand the original damage and added to it.

thanks, hurting. So you have been doing this for awhile, I see. How long ago was your wife's A? Are you in recovery?

I'm in the beginning stages. 4/9 was my D Day. And I found out while he was out of town, took a driving trip to FL for one month so he could "find himself." Little did I know that he'd picked her up, and off they went, leaving me and my three kids behind. The worst of it is all the trickery, the lies and deception. And I may never have found out if OW's husband didn't find all their crap on his computer and give me a call. It was the worst time of my life. Sometimes I think I shouldn't have taken him back, shouldn't have opened the door to let him back in, only because it is so painful. But I'm a believer in marriage. And so I fight for it.

I will do what you said and start a word doc.

Thanks, hurting.

My FWW had an A a little over 3 years ago.
D Day was about three years ago at the beginning of Oct.
Two months ago she finally admitted a lot of stuff she has not been honest about in regards to her A. Very bad stuff IMHO.

Recovery was impossible because she wouldn't be radically honest which was my first step.

The trickery, lies and deception carried on for 3 years so she could avoid the consequences and avoid talking about the real reason for her A.

I am now trying to get to recovery.

I tell people to talk in the beginning get it out. Be honest about what you did. Be honest about how you feel. I also wrote the letters to prove I said certain things.

Now I am trying to figure out where to go from here.

Right now I have told my FWW if I knew it was going to be like this I would have D'd her.

I took her back so that I could at least try to make it work. If it didn't at least I could say I tried. I could walk away with my head held high.

That was important to me. Plus I have two kids. If I didn't I wouldn't have taken her back. If I did I certainly would have been gone shortly there after.

hurting, your three years, I'm three months. So I guess the next three years ahead for me do NOT look encouraging.

The kid thing, I know. I have three. The WS's put us in such a horrible no win situation. If we leave, we end our marriage, leave our children without a parent, and our lives in disarray. We stay, and we get nothing but heartache.

My mother keeps telling me, life isn't fair.

NO, NO, NO.

It shouldn't be three years. I screwed up in a big way.

I never enforced my boundries. I have a different sitch trust me my FWW is Passive Aggressive.

What I should have done is given her time to be honest at the end of that time just filed for D. No more time etc.

We are in a win win sitch if we learn and get better.

Your mom is right life is not fair. But you know what it can still be good.

It has been less then two months ago that I found out my FWW slept with OM on our anniversary after treating him to dinner on my dime. Thats right I paid for it. LOL.

I shouldn't have waited three years to find that out. She shouldn't have lied either.

That is why we are where we are.

Thats why I say talk talk talk. believe it or not there are only so many times you can talk about it before you know all you need to know.

You are early on. If you read here and follow the advice you will be much further along then I am.

I think my H is passive aggressive too. Just read a book on it and he fits the mold pretty much to a tee. Also, he doesn't like to talk. He's been home for a little over a month now. We've had three relationship talks and all turned out disastrous because whenever we discuss the A, he feels I am "rubbing his nose in it." He also feels so much guilt about it that he just doesn't want to go there.

Did you guys go to MC? We have our first session tomorrow and I'm very nervous about it.

We tried two MC's but I stopped going because it wasn't getting us anywhere.

She refused to be honest there as well. The advice the MC was giving us was based on a ONS basically which her A wasn't but that's what she was admitting to at the time.

The other problem was she is an alcoholic that was still drinking.

So I knew she was not being honest with me or them. I wasn't going to spend money working on problems that didn't exist.

The second MC decided she only wanted to see my FWW because during the first meeting she minimized what she did. I was upset when we left and asked what she told the MC. Well guess what she left out a bunch of stuff. When I went back myself I told her what really happened. We had one more session there and she decided my FWW needed IC.

My FWW stopped going after a while.

Again I didn't press because she was still drinking.

My FWW is sober now and in AA. I have to sort through what has happened these last three years and be realistic.

I would say go to MC and hold back on the LB's.

If your H is PA go to the thread in Recovery about PA spouses it is a lot of help.

rltraveled, It's been 5 months for me since I found out so it is still fresh for me too. The difference is that I'm divorced now in a no contest divorce.

Look, I know exactly how you feel. One thing I do is write down what I feel. Before sending it to ex, I post it here for opinions. People are honest and tell you like it is. It helps to vent.

Keep a journal. My mom kept one as she was recovering from my father's affair. It helped her and she read it to me this past summer when I went to visit. I cried because I could relate so much to what she was feeling and thinking.

You really need to talk to him clamly and express how you feel in a calm manner. Tell him ahead of time that what you want to talk about is hard to talk about but that you want to know some things and want to talk about them without fighting. Tell him you can't start healing until you have answers to these questions in your head.

We went to first MC session last night. It was very emotional, but I like the C a lot.

I said I wanted a NC letter. H said he wouldn't do it because he didn't want to "go" there. MC jumped in and said that I had to understand that him writing a NC letter would do more harm than good because it would just conjure up emotions and so it probably wasn't a good idea.

This MC is pro marriage and she gave up paperwork that comes straight out of this web site ---poja, four rules of marriage, etc.

Should I accept this? Please tell me what you think.

We talked this weekend. I don't understand H. His A is over, and he just wants to "move forward" and doesn't understand why I need to talk about what happened. He understands, at least theoretically,that bad actions equal bad consequences. (He's told me more than once abou the story of David and Bathshiba in the Bible). But when it comes to him paying consequences, it doesn't seem like he puts two and two together. For instance, I'm asking for accountability when he goes out with his friend at work. I've asked him when he does go out, to please put friend on phone so I know they are together (friend knows the whole situation). H says that it's embarrasing, that he feels like I'm his mom or something. I say, it's a consequence of your actions, and a small one at that. Also, when I talk, he says he "feels bad" and doesn't want to feel bad anymore. He says that when he's having a "bad" day, he doesn't burden me with it, so I why should I burden him with my pain? Am I being too whiny? Should I just simply "get over it" and move on? (My D Day was 4/9/06. He officially moved back in the house about a month ago).
I just still feel so stripped, so betrayed, so unsure of my life and what has happened. He keeps saying, "I'm back ... isn't that what you wanted? I tell him, yes, but he must have known this wouldn't be easy. He doesn't understand how all of the lies, all of duplicity, has shaken me to the core.

Am I being a big baby over this? Am I ruining our chances for reconciliation by talking? And if so, is my only recourse to suck it in, shut up, and get on with life?

rlt, how long has the A been over? It took the A really being over for my H to get my need to feel safe. Now when he goes to work on Saturday's he calls me when he gets to the guy he works for house, he calls me when they get to the job, he checks in throughout the day and does the reverse at the end of the day. I just ask to here the guy in the background, I don't need to make my H feel like a child by needing to speak to the guy. Perhaps that would help?

I read somewhere on here that recovery is the HARDEST part. And it really is. H. has been back home for 2 months now after the discovery of an 8 month affair. I found out while he was on a whirlwind vacation with her for 3.5 weeks. I thought he had gone alone.

Anyway, now he is home. I prayed for this, that he would come to his senses and come back to me and his three children. He has. He's in counseling working on his issues, as am I. But my problem is that I'm just so depressed over what he has done. It's hard to be with him. It's hard to be without him. I look at him and just want to cry, thinking of what he has done to us, our marriage of 24 years. I feel the need to talk, ask questions. So we will go through the days, five or six at a time. But things build up in me, and I start asking. I cry a lot. This triggers guilt for him. Then he gets defensive. And we fight. But I don't know what else to do. I'm sorry he feels guilty, but I need to work through this, and I can't completely forgive him unless he lets me do that. But all he ever says is, "is this helping? and "We need to move forward, not backward."

So my question is, am I wrong to want to talk about this? My fear is that if we don't work through this the right way, if we just try and take some short cut here, then we will end up in the old marriage, and be prone to this whole affair thing all over again.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Hi RLT,

I was pretty much still crying every day for the first year. I kept a lot of it to myself, but did share some with H.

Sounds like you both need to read/re-read SAA. Just ask him to read it for you. You will understand that your feelings are 100% normal and right on track. You are not a freak, he had an 8mo A, you are not going to be healed in a few short months. You sound like a very typical BS, if that's any comfort. The fact that your H is not being helpful with your recovery makes it worse. That said, even with my H's great support, I was still a freaking mess for a year.

Explain to your H that your feelings TODAY are not moving backward, that you are dealing with CURRENT pain. Every time he says that, say your pain is CURRENT. Ask him is this is how he's going to handle his next A... by just demanding that you 'get over it'. No, probably not the best idea, but I do understand your frustration.

Hang in there!! Please take care - Dru

This has been a big bone of contention with the FWW and I.

I put it bluntly to her. You did these things, I discovered them, you admitted to having an A.

The day you admitted you did it two things happened. You relieved your guilty conscience and placed a huge burden on me. Now all I am asking you to do is help me unload this burden.

The way that will happen is having honest and open conversations about how I feel and what you did.

I do not deem this to be a consequence. If you had no intention of being honest about the A and if you had no intention of discussing it with me then you should have just kept it to yourself. It is/was very selfish for you to get that off of your chest because it "made you feel bad" only to put it squarely on my shoulders.

In all honesty I would have rather the guilt eaten you up instead of the truth or lack there of eating me up. Or the lack of discussing the issues eating me up.

This isn't an oops talk about it then put it in the past type of thing.

I don't know if that helps but sometimes I feel like I am crazy then when someone says Hey I feel the same way it makes my world a little more stable.