I was in a hurry when I posted, sorry... I meant that the affair had just about run it's course when I discovered it ... my H was ready to GET OUT of his self-made trap

I wonder about that with my H. His A had gone on for 8 months before he got caught. I wonder, if he hadn't got caught, what he would have done? I wonder if he thinks, today, that he could have been happy with her. I talked him into coming home, but he was reluctant. Maybe I should have just let the whole A run its course, then he would have seen that it wouldn't have worked. The way it ended (me giving him an ultimatum), I think he has lingering doubts, perhaps wishes. I don't know. Nowadays, everything just haunts me.

rlt,
Don't give up. I'm in almost the same sitch as you. Pep has helped me along the way too. There is a special place in Heaven for her. I am the BS and trying the best I can day to day. The waiting around is so very hard. I try to focus on the good. I keep making family plans along with the two of us doing things together. Some of my ideas you and your H can do together.
-Bowling
-play or concert
-comedy club
-rent one of his fav movies and make popcorn then sit close to him while watching it
-mini golf?? maybe then pizza
-try a new restaurant that you have wanted to - something different
-ask him to go perfume shopping with you
the point is to spend time with him and listen when he talks, be his best friend, hang on his every word. Show that you are there in the M. Maybe at some point these actions will start to sink in with him.
good luck
M2L
me 36
ww 33
dday 5-8-06
dd2
ds5
edited for spelling

Hi RLT,

Dispare at this point is pretty normal. I agree w/Pep (duh), take the Zoloft and fax the drive. SF wont be any good to either of you if you're going to be so so blue. Please try to take a break from the M stuff and have some light RC this weekend. Just something nice and easy, no big whoop. You need to re-recreate some new good feelings, this will help. I'm sorry you are feeling so down. Please take care - Dru

Been four months since D Day. I go back and forth from depression to anger. Today I'm angry. I want to write her and tell her what a ho she is, and shame on her for contributing to the hurt of so many people, her own husband and kids included. I just want to LAY into her. I've written letters and not sent them. Not getting much satisfaction from it. Also thought of calling her (I have her cell #). I know it's wrong, it would just stir up trouble. But I'm so tempted. Is this normal? And I know it is very un Christian of me, but I sit around, hoping she's hurting, hoping she's miserable in the fact that my H left her to come home to me. I know it's wrong, I shouldn't do this, but she has consequences for her actions. Can't stop thinking about these things. Why?

Sounds like you are processing things. Moving from the turmoil and trepidation to the security that you are in recovery and able to feel anger. Your taker is popping up. Your impatience is popping up. All good signs that you are individual progressing.

Forget about OW. Eventually she will become irrelevant to you and striking out at her will not give you any real satisfaction. Nor will it bestow any real consequences upon her. The best revenge is living well IN SPITE OF HER not because of her.

Perhaps an angle with your husband regarding communication with him. I've tried to place myself in the WH mindset and feel that perhaps men, in general, often hate discussing failure. It would be like going back and talking about the last year he played baseball. The year he sat on the bench and only played right field once in awhile. Men don't rehash such failures, they quit baseball and search out some other thing they can excell at. Problem is, here, his affair was his bad year and he doesn't want to rehash HIS failure. How to get in there I am uncertain but just understanding WHY he doesn't want to talk about it and discussing that as a pretext to an actual conversation about the affair may help. Indicate that you are unable to place this failure behind you until he is capable of addressing the failure and exploring fully with you what happened, why it happended ...so that TOGETHER you can both move forward and succeed at MARRIAGE.

In our marriage, I fully conceded to Mrs. W that it very likely could have been me that had the affair. We were both at extremen risk and equally vulnerable. I've expressed actual gratitude to her and God that it was her that had the affair and not me. Our personalities would not have bode well for reconciliation. From this perspective WE could address OUR failure instead of focusing solely on HER failure. I entered recovery with the perspective that her affair was an abberition (sp?) of character and not a defect in character. She made a huge, monumental mistake but she is doing so much better and overcoming, repairing, repenting, understanding and processing the affair than I ever could have if I were the WH.

Just keep asking questions. Probing the answers with additional followup questions...never pressing, no anger, just seeking TOGETHERNESS and mutual understanding. He may not have been the best husband but I'm betting and hoping he wants to be better and CAN be with your help. Maybe start with asking how you can be a better wife and don't settle for "you're great". You intend to be better than "great" then. Remember, NOTHING he says can really hurt you, it's all part of the process. The end result can be worth the effort but he won't share at all if he perceives he is hurting you. No man (especially a FWH) wants to feel like he's emotionally hurting his wife.

I don't know if I made sense and some of this may be circular but I'm just going to leave it as is (typo's and all).

Mr. Wondering

rlt,

Not sure that writing OW would make a difference except to make everyone angier, and more ashamed. Please remember that there are always 2 sides to the A. Your pain is felt by you, our H's shame felt by him. Your husband is hurting, the OW is hurting and the OWH is hurting. YES!...everyone has their share of hurt, humiliation, and anger to bear in this. You cannot weigh or justify one against the other.

Do not lower yourself, or stoop beneath your own integrity. YOUR HUSBAND CAME BACK TO YOU...TO YOUR MARRIAGE. It truly doesn't matter why he did. Accept that he came back to you! He is willing to work this out, to make this right to you. To begin to earn your trust, your respect. Recovery sucks!...it is hard!...that is why it will be sooooo worth it! The best things in life are never easy!..(or is that free?!) anyway... Show him that you love him enough to conquer this together! Every hour, every day...one step at a time...one emotion at a time!

Hi everyone,

Thank you for all of your wonderful insights.

The four months following the aftermath of DDay have been tumultuous, at best. But honestly, in the past week I have seen some REAL changes in WS. He is finally owning up, feeling very remorseful, told me he is over feelings for OW, and is ready to help ME get past this. Previously, I think he was wallowing in his own self-pity. Now, he is ready to help me.

It has been four months since DDay. He hasn't had any contact with OW. Before I would ask for a no contact letter, but he said he couldn't do it because he was afraid it would conjure up feelings, and he thought he should just not go there. My question is, should I ask him for one now?It would make me feel better. I would feel that he really means it that he's over her, and that he is committed to me. But I don't want to rock the boat, either. Should I take this chance? Or just leave it alone?

anyone? I want to know what to do when he comes home tonight.

It's Sunday night. I didn't ask for letter. I think I LB'd,though. Things were going really well. He's getting a lot from counseling. But Saturday, I was feeling "icky" about everything. It started out nice and he asked me what he could do to help. And I let it out, saying that his having sex without protection could have killed me, and made the kids orphans. I know I shouldn't have done this, but it's just SO infuriating. It turned into an arugment that lasted half the day. He said I "attacked" him. I said he "attacked" me when he committed the act. Now I'm afraid that I've take us back ten steps. I just feel like I should be able to say what I need to, because I won't be able to forgive him until I get this all OUT of me.

Is there a time for this? Do you just have to wait a really long time, until all the dust has settled, before you get this out? I'm thinking it would best be done with an MC, which we are not doing yet because we doing IC first.

God help me--will I live through it ...

Last night he let me talk some, answering questions to help me put the puzzle together from the past 8 months. But he quickly changed the subject, leaving me feel empty and insecure again. I let it go. He went to clean the garage.

I can't help feeling like he came home only because OW didn't call him. I was his second choice. That's what it feels like.

We filed bankruptcy back in September 05 (right around the time he started his A). That was hard to do. But when all was said and done, I had our finances in order. Then, A. He took a credit card with 0 balance on it that wasn't part of the bankruptcy, and he racked it up to the tune of 11,000 for hotels, vacation, dinners, God know what, for him and his OW. In addition, he took out, unbeknownst to me, $22,000 from his 401K. In his four months away, he blew through it for his apartment, new dishes and household stuff, a guitar, expenses, eating out and drinking. Now, he's back home. I turned the bills over to him because a) I don't have the legs for it right now with A and all, and b) according to my counselor and you guys here at MB, I'm supposed to let the consequences of his actions fall on HIS shoulders. But...the consequences are really falling on ALL of us, me and the kids included. He is a month and half behind on the mortgage, and I keep getting phone calls from the credit card company that he is also two months behind on. Now I'm afraid we're going to lose our house! To make matters worse, he'd promised the kids a trip to Disneyworld, which is like half paid for right now. We're supposed to leave in two weeks. Plane tickets are paid for. Can't get a refund. At the time we booked, he had some $$ left over from 401K.

I'm furious about this, and yet, I don't yell at him about it because that would be LB'ing. He would say that I'm attacking him. "Attack" is his favorite word whenever I call him on something.

Can someone PLEASE tell me what to do? How to handle this? I'm SO pissed. Oh, and while he away off on his little rendeaveax with OW, I got extra work. So now, in my mind, I'm working all these extra hours to pay on credit card which he used to wine and dine and sleep with HER. What an injustice!!

Help!!!

You seem to be getting a bit ignored lately.

Perhaps consider starting a recovery board thread as well. The issues above kinda fit in over there. Though it's slower they do know there stuff.

As far as your financial issue. Wish I could fix it for you. It's pretty ridiculous that the banks give a recently bankrupted individual so much credit immediately upon wiping out there previous irresponsibility. Guess they know he can't file for 7 more years. Then again, blaming them IS merely blame shifting...it's his responsibility and his villager to own.

One thing. I'd keep that debt separate. If you ever did divorce while that debt still exists you may likely be able to make him take it in full and not have it divided as marital debt since it was utilize in furtherance of an extra-marital affair. (<<<---not MB advice but prudent advice...protect your backside)

Second, he should get some money management education. Constant financial crisis is no way to live your life. A plan to eliminate this debt is needed that you both can participate in TOGETHER. He should be getting a second job or something to take the primary lead in getting this debt resolved but helping him (not doing it all) is good for your marriage. Often there are inexpensive Continuing Community Education courses available through your city. Check them out and go together. Make it a family problem.

I assume you've read "Joseph's letter" on the Just Found Out board. If not, print it, modify it if you want and give it to your husband. It deals with getting all the truth and why it's important.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

Thanks,W. Maybe I will move over to the recovery boards.

I get what you're saying about making it a family problem. On the other hand, HE did this. I think HE should suffer the consequences and find a way out. A second job is a good idea, although it will take more time away from us.

I looked up Joseph's Letter and copied it. I think I will give it to H tonight.

Thank you

Recovery boards ...hmmm. I feel like I'm graduating!!