Beginning plan A after 18 months or more of fights, and in the last few months indications on my part that I would leave the marriage. Culminated in H admission of a ONS last year, and saying he wants to split. Or separate...or...he doesn't know what he wants but he is very unhappy.
Says he knows he has been treating me like sh*.

I didn't really WANT to end the marriage, we have a 12yr old son...but I could not tolerate the way he was treating me. I've been no angel either. We were both LB ing like crazy, my increasing meaness was a reaction to his.

The 2weeks before H declaration things seemed to be getting better. We were able to agree on a number of stressful issues, he helped me with a project, we went out as a family and had a great time. Then that Monday he comes in and says "I have to tell you something"

He confessed to the ONS. Somehow I wasn't really shocked or particularly angry about THAT. He seemed hurt that I wasn't furious. He cried. He said he wanted to split...then he gave the classic "It's not YOU it's ME"

At that point I actually burst out laughing! I couldn't help it....It was such a dry old line....

I'm sure he was hurt by that, he must think I'm crazy and maybe I am. I was hurt because he had been pleasant and good to me for a couple of weeks. I was getting happy to be in the marriage. Was being good to me so bad and difficult that it brought this on?

I asked if there was someone else on the horizon. He says no. I'm not so sure..he certainly is a prime candidate for an affair.

He says he's willing to try MC. Asked me to find one, I did, he doesn't like the one I found.

More to come...gotta go...I'm at work

Hey Golden! This has many of the same characteristics that I am very recently going through, as many others here have as well. Things weren't too good for us, both of serving up LBs. About a month and a half before d day he told me that his feelings of committment were different ( basically not you it's me). I felt much the same way but was too crushed to laugh. Then I found out about the A one week after we went out, had a great time, made love, etc. and I thought things had a chance. He said he was taking stock of what he had. Then I discover the A. It has put me almost over the edge. But found MB two days later and have felt a new purpose for renewing M. He's also overly surprised at how calm and motivated I am to save out M and family. He won't do MC, bad taste in his mouth from IC in the past. Still waiting for decision on NC. He left for three nights to get perspective and said he would return tonight and we'd talk. That if he made the committment to NC he'd stick with it. He doesn't want to keep me hanging anymore. Now waiting for him to get home and hoping that I won't want to hang myself when he stops keeping me hanging.
Lots of love and be strong. Keep reading here. It's made so much difference in my approach and interactions with WH and how I'm dealing with the hurt and stress and hopefully with R.

Hi Angiemoose,
Thanks for the input, maybe the good week/bad week thing is not so uncommon.

I've posted more of the story here and there...one of the things H is unhappy about is my getting older...he's 40 I'm 50. Has complained about sex. My desire isn't gone...but it ain't what it usta be either. Plus I've been angry with him a lot, and that doesn't help.

Guess what has happened! (I posted this in another thread too)
I'm finding it funny as H*.
Last week I started taking a dietary supplement from a health food store. DHEA. It's reccomended for older women for boosting a sagging libido, menopausal symptoms and general energy.

The stuff works....I was h***y as ****** all day today. A co-worker who I have confided in laughed at me, because while we were talking about work, i kept making "freudian slips" Like typing "penis", instead of "pens" and saying "sexual" instead of "sectional". Told me I better quit taking that stuff.

I was looking forward to getting home, but my second job called and said they had hours for me...had to do it...money is a big problem around here. Called H, and told him I was working that eve. He said he was going our with the "boys" anyway. (peeve--he's demanding more money--then he goes out and buys beers and fun while I'm working)

I 'm doing plan A so I was all fine about it to him. So I get home tired, still in the all-day work clothes, and still h****y. he rolls in 10 min later. He asks "how are you" I tell him....He's like...whaat? again? Right NOW? Can we do it in the morning?

Be careful what you ask for buddy....

Hugs to you, hang out, hang in, but don't hang yourself.

Well, glad to see you are having some postivies in your relationship. Hope it continues to work its way into other aspects. I don't know about you, but it seems hard (no slip) to understand that I could want a physical relationship with my husband while going through this whole thing. He talks about not wanting to take advantage of me, but that he has never thought of her when we're together. Sometimes it's hard for me not to think he might be when we're together, so I can't imagine that he isn't. But, when the urge and love is there, I make sure, too, that H knows I still want him. It flabbergasts him, but I remind him that it's one thing OW can never give him, she's proved that in the past too many times.
Enjoy your vitamins!

Hi Angiemoose,
How are things with you? I could relate to your feelings about the still wanting the physical relationship when other parts of the relationship are no fun. One way I've thought about it is that the physical part ofSF is selfish fun for me-me-me
, regardless of what the other might be thinking or feeling. So he's not really "taking advantage" after all, you get to get some too!

I giggled at your wish for me to enjoy the vitamins! But I've decided not to continue with the daily regimen. I expected much subtler effect but the effects were so immediate and pronounced that I wonder what else it might be doing.

Not only libido, I've noticed that my skin is less dry, and my appetite for food is increased (a good thing, I'm too thin, and sometimes I'm just not very interested in taking time to eat.) And I seem to have less patience with things like bad drivers, late deliveries, un-cooperative clerks etc. This weekend I got frustrated with a sticky desk drawer, and yanked it so hard that I pulled it out of the desk and broke it. Something's definitely up.

I did some research on DHEA, and there are hazards, it's a powerful steroid, increases the production of testosterone and androgens and is not well studied. It's possible that it increases the risk of cancers, It could cause me to have facial hair, or to loose scalp hair (male hormone) and who wants an old h***ny bald bearded lady?

So I decided not to take it daily, but to take a half cap 2 or 3 times a week. I will also ask an MD about it.

Good idea to ask your MD. It's bad enough to feel dejected and such from WS but to look like the bearded lady and join a freek show? I don't think that would help your self esteem.
As far as being a BS that still wants her WH, I tend to think that if and when he and I are intimate and affectionate I can at least for a little while forget what is going on, albeit not completely and there's always the crash back to reality afterwards. I don't know if I'mbasically trying to fulfill his physical needs when he feels like sharing so that he will remember that she hasn't and that she probably never will, or if I hope that if he gets if from me he won't go looking for it from her. There are so many things working into it that it gets garbled too often.
Our last bit of anything past a simple kiss was only a couple of nights ago after a rather bad talk session. I stupidly bad mouthed the OW too many times and he told me that although he understood how I felt about her I didn't need to be nasty. Dumn! Of course I didn't apolpgize for what I said but did apologize for LB, but that some days it's harder than others to remain hopeful. Since that night we haven't talked. The next night I was exhausted from cub scout camp with my 8yr old and fell asleep the same time as the baby. Tonight when I asked if he wanted to talk that he seemed down, was there anything in particular, he just shrugged. I fear we've gotten to the point that there is nothing more to discuss unless he commits to NC and we can begin to work on us. We've had the same conversations so many times. He did finally have a breakdown the other night, crying and seizing up. He's never done anything like that before, not even the crying. It was very scary and the next night he visited his sister to talk about his reaction and decided to stay the night. Hence the anger and frustration I felt when he returned home the next night. He gets to live his dual life and run away and I'm left here with all the responsibility. then he taold me he had talked to OW and told her that something had happened over the weekend that he needed to talk to her about. WHen he called to say he ws staying at his siter's I suggested that maybe he needed to stay there a bit longer again. He did so a week ago for 3 days and had said it was so he could think and make a committment to NC, but he says he doesn't think he can. He doesn't want to tell me he can and then let me down again, so he thinks we're at an impass. I have explained many times that once she's moved and such, she'll start a new life and have no need for him again, and he'll get better each day and soon find himself in a happy marriage again. It's happened before, it will happen again. But yet he continues to make "dates" to see her and discuss their past so he can get "closure." What a fog!
I'm at the point now where I'm beginning to consider Plan B but don't know if I'm jumping too soon.

Hi Angie,

I 'm new here, and not an expert MB er but other postings from experienced MBers seem to say that your H may be "cake eating" He's having it all, the OW and you too, and is likely to continue that as long as he can avoid the pain of commitment to NC. It isn't easy.

I can relate it to my smoking habit. I told H I would stop smoking at home, or on the property, and hope that would lead to quitting entirely. I've been successful in not smoking at home. (although, after a quarrel, I snuck out to the vacant lot and smoked, hiding in the culvert under the road. The neighborhood teens evidently go there to smoke too, there are cig butts all over)

But I am smoking a LOT less...and people say "don't you feel SO much better!?"
No, I don't. I'm fffing miserable. (I tried a patch.....seemed to make the nicotine craving harder to ignore) Mornings are the worst. After eating is a bad time too, so I'm avoiding eating, which is not helping me gain weight. Soon I'm going to have to go "cold turkey" or just choose smoking rather than my H.

I'm not looking forward to it.

I'm trying to find out what Plan A and Plan B are. Can anyone tell me? I have never done a blog thing so I have no idea if I'm doing it correctly.

Hi HSB and welcome!

Here is a link to an article describing plan A&B in detail:

www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Plan A is a method for the BS (betrayed spouse) to win the love and respect of the WS (wandering spouse) by eliminating the behaviors that caused the spouse to wander. This moves the WS spouse closer to the BS, and away from the lover with the goal of complete No Contact (NC) between the WS and the lover. If plan A does not work, then it's Plan B.

Plan B is a method for the BS to completely withdraw from contact with the WS, until the WS agrees to drop the lover completely, and commit to repairing the love in the marriage.

I am not sure that my H is involved with an A, but I am sure that he has been unhappy enough in the M to fall for one.

So I am doing a modified Plan A. Working on my own bad habits, and showing myself as a rewarding companion. I don't nag him about his annoying behavior, and I stay away from sensitive subjects. It seems to be working, H has been making an effort to "play nice".

So he's getting all he wants right now....but I am concerned that there are still some big issues between us that will need to be resolved. I've been avoiding talking about them, and I'm worried what will happen when they finally surface.