Very long story short...er...well...shortER. Several months ago, I had a ONS. Although H was suspicious of what I did, he did not really know. But I totally freaked out from guilt and told him about a week later. Almost everyone I spoke to squeels when they hear that...but I could not live with myself. He had the right to know.

Well since then he in turn has had a couple ONS "trying to get over what I did"...even bringing one in my house and sleeping with her in about every room!! I thought I was going to have total breakdown at that point. I seriously thought of death...if it werent for my 3 babies, who knows where I'd be.

We have since realized that we love each other and we want to keep our marriage alive....and we DO love each other! I KNOW he loves me....but then? We have really good days...until something gets on our minds. This is usually me. He is better at keeping things inside and not causing a ruckus. But I on the other hand have always been a very outspoken emotional person. If I am upset I have to get it out...ok so maybe I am just a little crazy....but he knew I was this way when we got married!

Well whenever he brings up a question or concern, I will grab him and tell him I love him and how sorry I am for making him feel that way, or need to not trust me. I will at least TRY to help him cope. I hate seeing the pain I have caused. I do my best to not make him feel insecure and answer anything quickly so he knows I am not lying or making excuses.

He on the other hand will become defensive and refuse to listen. He always resorts to turning it around on me. He will never admit what he did was wrong. He even sometimes goes as far to say I deserve the pain...I asked for him to go do those things by stepping out first. Its all my fault. Even just today he said that no he WILL NEVER say what he did was wrong because I asked for it.

I know its probably not helping bringing up the past...but for example, todays argument IS something that happened in the past, but I just found out today. Do I not deserve to voice my opinion, or at least have the right to ask his side?

Well my first question - I dont blame him for my mistake...why is it so hard for him to accept what he's done. (Two wrongs do not make a right!!! He tells me that I cannot be upset because I must have wanted it by doing it first.) And if he doesnt accept it as being wrong...then how can I ever expect him to never do it again?

Secondly - How can he tell me he loves me, but then WANT me to hurt? Yes, I know I hurt him badly and betrayed him and betrayed everything we've built. I know that hurts! It hurts me too!!! I would do absolutely anything to change that. And I am so very sorry...I have so much guilt for what I've done...I went into a depression and have never come out. I know how bad he hurts and its only human nature to hurt back...but he's supposed to love me??? And he got me 5 times over! How much pain do I deserve??? And if you think I deserve so much pain...then why are you trying to work it out?

I cant take the roller coasters anymore. How can we get over this. We both want to...its just so hard!!!!

Can you afford to call Steve Harley at marriage builders?

I think I would surely get some counseling. I don't think the two of you can do this alone.

I'm very sorry you are in so much pain.

No we cant afford his counseling. And the counseling our insurance offers, at a $50 co-pay does not include marriage. It will pay for 6 a year per person, so we could just say we are going to indivdual counseling, at $100 a pop. Then only 6 times?? Its a shame our marriage will come down to having money or not.

I just dont know if this is possible!!! It hurts so bad. I KNOW we love each other!!! But we are both hurt so badly. Where can we go from here?? Does anyone have a time machine???

I would advise buying the book "Surviving an Affair" By Dr. Harley.

It was the only thing that made me come around to REALLY start trying to recover my marriage (I was the WS in my marriage). It really has a lot of helpful information in it. The hard part may be convincing your H to read it, but it will be the key to getting thourgh/past all of this.

Sorry I don't have any more help than that, but it will help you both if you read it.

Fugitive

You can also phone the radio show. The information is on the top of the website here.

click on the radio show link and then use the email to send them your post. That way they can be prepaed when you call or they may email and ask you to call at a certain time.

I have to disagree with you. You can not afford NOT to go to counseling. Whether it's covered through your insurance or not, it is worth the investment. I'd rather have paid out the money I did to have my marriage and direction, then not. Who knows where we'd be now without it.

We didn't have the money either but let me tell you it was amazing how it was always there when we needed it.

T2H

Keep telling yourself that you can do this.
You can never change your H; he might never apologize for what he did,
Don’t even expect it this will only hurt you more, love him and show him that you love
Him and don’t expect anything in return, don’t bring up the past until you are in recovery.
Own your own stuff and apologize for it, and don’t expect him to do the same, this is actually the only thing that you can control; you can never control your H.

Don’t talk about the ONSs.

Try to do fun things together seems to me that both of you want to fix this,
So plan fun things to do without the babies, only the 2 of you ok.

And you do need counseling; try to find a university near you that offers it
You will have an intern but a doctor will monitor him, and they only charge you
A small fee, like I found one here called Hope University the fee is $25.

I don’t know where you live but you can find out about one next to you.

Don't try keep holding on ok?
keep reading and posting here, you will be ok.

if you need the local number email me i will send it to you.

tony.