Yes, they do. I do not need to know the "whole situation" to know that LYING is not good for your marriage OR YOUR FAMILY. And as long as you persist in LYING to your husband, you ENDANGER their family.

Your H has a RIGHT to know what you do behind his back, Rachel. When will you tell him?

Rachel, your H needs to be told about this. As long as this LIE stands between you, there will be NO RECOVERY. He needs to know so he can protect himself from you.

I am not telling him period, you can judge me all you want... I AM NOT SEEING THE OTHER GUY EVER AGAIN... I am not going to hrt him again................I AM NOT TELLING HIM

Rachel,

If *you* refuse to protect your children from your destructive impulses..who else will?

Of course they need to be protected from you..you are making decisions that can impact them for the rest of their lives..you are unravelling the ground beneath their feet in order to gratify yourself.

If you will not accept that your A is an addiction style behavior and accept that your judgement is SERIOUSLY questionable [lies about hour long breaches of NC come to mind..along with whatever rationalization you have decided to believe in order to evade consequences]..at least give your husband..the man you betray so callously.. the ability to protect them and himself until and unless you are able to control your behavior.

Rachel you sound like a scared little girl with her hand in the cookie jar.

HONESTY is the solution to infidelity, not more lying, RACHEL. Of course, you can judge that lying is wrong. You already HAVE HURT HIM with your continued contact and hurt him every day with your continual LIES.

Your marriage will never recover as long as you continue lying to him. To continue to lie to him is profoundly disrespectful and CRUEL.

Here is the thing, Rachel. Your husband needs to know that you are still lying to him so he can protect himself FROM YOU. You are a DANGER that cannot be trusted as long as you persist in sneaking around wht the OM and then lying about it. How will your H know he needs to protect himself from you if you don't tell him the truth?

And how can he EVER trust you if you are DISHONEST?

I AM ABLE TO CONTROLL MY BEHAVIOR LIKE i SAID THERE SOMETING THAT HAPPEND THAT I WOULD RATHER NOT DISCUSS THAT IS THE ONLY REASON I HAD ANY CONTACT WITH HIM AT ALL.........HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR THAT I WOULD HAVE NEVER TALKED TO HIM AGAIN.. I AM NOT SEEING HIM I AM NOT TALKING TO HIM ANYMORE PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT A SCARED LITTLE GIRL, I KNEW WHAT HAD TO BE DONE & IT IS DONE IF I TELL HIM HW WILL LEAVE & THAT IS NOT SOMETHING I AM WILLING TO RISK

OMG, she is throwing a FIT! lol

Then you are MORE CRUEL than even I imagined. You KNOW that he would choose to leave and YOU WOULD DENY HIM THAT RIGHT?? You have no right to deny him the RIGHT to make that choice.

Only *HE* has the right to make the choice if he wants to stay with you. YOU do not have that right.

To LIE to him to keep him there for your use is to treat him no better THAN A PET on a LEASH. You are keeping him there based on a LIE. You are MANIPULATING him into staying in a COLD, CRUEL, CALCULATED manner.

Rach - your life gets worse from this point. I know you think you know what you are doing but you don't

What WILL happen is an ever decreasing intimacy with your husband followed by a divorce.

Tell him for your sake.

Rach,

I am a BS, my first D-Day was 14 Oct 2005, 2nd D-Day was 4 Apr 2006. I tell you this because my WW told me from D-Day 1 that NC was established, and the military was making sure. Well D-Day 2 was just about the end, but I stayed and we are working on things.

Now instead of telling me she is trying as hard as she can, she is now doing and telling me she is doing and it shows. Last weekend she finally answered some of my questions, 10 mos after the fact, it was almost as painful as D-Day because she wrote out the answers and left them on my dresser for me to find. The point I'm making is waiting to disclose makes things worse. Why? Because everyday you wait is another day of lies and the lies are where the real pain comes from, the hurt. Why you ask? Because as men we want to immediately inflict as much physical pain on OM as we can, but when it comes to our WWs we have no outlet for our rage, we may want to, but can't. Why because we still love our WWs, but everyday you postpone telling the truth and clearing the slate chips away a little of that love. If you wait too long he will surely leave, no matter what the cost, and will probably take your children with him. And rightly so, a WW is no one to leave Children with, no kind of person to allow to influence their children. His pain will be immense, but he will also feel relieved as he will now know "The rest of the Story"

You call! But remember you are doing more damage with every passing hour.

But you did risk it Rachel.

You already DID the action ..the time for that choice is over..you chose..you failed your marriage in your choice..now you ARE trying to cover it up EXACTLY like a scared little girl.

If you were so entirely certain..that this action would directly result in divorce..and you consider that unacceptable..yet you did it anyway..this means that you are *not* able to control your behavior.

Your arguaments are empty.

Your husband has the right to leave this marriage if he chooses to do so.

By taking that choice are choosing to victimize him yet again..is that a loving action or the action of a monster?

You are holding him hostage with lies and nothing good will ever come of that.

At some point..if you are lucky..you will learn that you can't get where you want to go by any road you choose..you must walk the road that goes in the correct direction.

If you are extremely fortunate you will not refuse the lesson until you have destroyed your family and yourself in the meanwhile.

Tell your H. Confess. Let go trying to control HIS reactions and work on trying to control YOURS.

There should never be a time that the world will end if you don't talk to OM..sorry but that is a crock. Even if there were some relevent info needing to be passed along..your H could certainly have done it for you.

No..you talked..for an hour..because you were feeding each other pretty lies..allowing him to tell you that you have nothing to be sorry for [when actually..you have plenty to be sorry for and I think you know it..if you doubt this why not tell your H that you and OM spoke..and decided that what you did was just fine and you are all done apologising and you will speak to him anytime you like as there is no harm no foul]..feeding your sense of pride and entitlement [this is probably a large part of the fog you have been emitting thus far..you just had a fresh dose after all] and then *poof* or rather BAM..reality..guilt..and fear set in. You have broken another promise and your H will take this very seriously..better hide it.

You can't though. You know it already but you struggle against it because you don't want to pay for what you stole.

The consequences were released into the world Rachel when you made your choice..and if you do not face them you will spend the rest of your life trying to evade them while all the new lies and evasions and omissions slowly but surely remove any hope you will ever have to recover your marriage.

If you tell him..your marriage MIGHT be destroyed.

If you do not tell him..it will certainly be destroyed.

You stand at a new crossroad..you failed your husband and your children in your last choice by believing lies that soothed you and taking action that you know was wrong...will you make that same mistake again or will you change direction?

[color:"red"] Quote:

If you tell him..your marriage MIGHT be destroyed.

If you do not tell him..it will certainly be destroyed. End Quote [/color]

So true, so true. Do you want to live a lie for the rest of your life? Do you really think you can?

Good Luck to ya! Don't forget to tell us how that is working for ya. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I told him, hope you guys are happy...

Rachel..

I'm very glad that you told him..I believe that you did the right thing..but I have to ask..

Do you always lay the consequences of your decisions at the feet of other people?

no actually I dont & i am not blaoiing anyone, he beast the crap out of me & left but that is what I deserve right ??He has the kids & told me I have untill friday to find some place to live..

YOu guys were so right I should have told him sooner

Actually rachel..

What you should have done was resist the impulse to breach NC.

I'm not going to sanction a beating..nor am I going to accept that it was your confession that caused it.

If there is physucal abuse in your marriage that is an entirely separate issue...MB tools do not work in marriages where there is active addiction or abuse.

Regardless you did the right thing..you maintained your integrity and you gave him the tools to make his own decisions. What he does with those tools is none of your business and none of mine since neither of us can control the outcome.

So..what is your next step..what are your plans?

Well, if he beat you up, then you have a much bigger problem here and his leaving was probably a blessing. Have you called the police?

You need to call the police, file charges, and get a restraining order to keep HIM out of the house. Hope you will do it NOW, and not wait.