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#1712911 07/20/06 12:29 AM
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Could anyone please offer me some advise regarding children during divorce? My husband told me that he doesn't love me anymore and that he wants a divorce. He refuses to go to counseling. I'm so worried about what this will do to my 13-year-old boys.


Married 19 years Twin DSes - 14 H 1st PA '98 - ONS H 2nd PA jan.'01 to june'01 D-day 6/13/01 H 3rd PA 2005 - 2006 Divorced 2/6/07
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Yeah, they will be permanently scarred.

What your h is saying is something almost all of us have heard.

So, h says he won't go to counseling. You could go. How much do you know about the MB principles? How are you putting them to work?

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When children are constantly witness to the civil unrest of a nasty divorce and post divorce relationship between their parents, they can certainly be affected. It's also very difficult for them to aborb the idea of one or both of their parents with another person.

I think it's crucial for both parents to stay actively involved in their childrens lives during and after the divorce.

They need to be shielded from the fallout of a broken marriage. Kids don't understand adult relationships. They have no concept of what love is. All they know is that the family structure that they have depended on all their life is being dismantled and there is nothing they can do about it.

They may think it's their fault. They may blame you. They may even choose sides. Don't lie to them about the divorce. Don't speak poorly about their other parent.

My daughter had some anger issues the first year. It was a life altering adjustment, to say the least. Today she exceeds my expectations and displays none of the symptoms you outline above.

Structured, co-opererative parenting is a must, along with continued teaching of good values.

Good luck to you.


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Based on my experience, 13 is probably the worst possible time for boys to lose their father through divorce. It is even worse when the father leaves for an OW with boys of her own, and they effectively become his new sons.

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Thank you for your replies.


Married 19 years Twin DSes - 14 H 1st PA '98 - ONS H 2nd PA jan.'01 to june'01 D-day 6/13/01 H 3rd PA 2005 - 2006 Divorced 2/6/07
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I don't think it HAS to be a totally negative experience, their attitude will reflect yours to a large extant.
My children were 6, 8, and 10 when I left their abusive father. Although there was alot I COULD have said about their dad, I never said anything negative about their father. I simply told them that he had alot of problems to work through and it was best if he worked through them alone. They knew about the yelling and fighting, so that was enough for them. In the 4 years since, I have made sure they were surrounded by male role models at church, Scouts, etc. Always men I was NOT dating, who wouldn't run out on them if their relationship with me changed. As I dated, I made sure never to date a man who I didn't think would possibly make a good stepfather. Eventually, I remarried, and he is a good stepdad. No, it hasn't all been easy and it was an adjustment for the kids, but overall I'd say they made it through better than they would have if I"d run their dad down. Ironically, they are now seeing their dad as the manipulitive, abusive, liar that he is because of his interactions with them.....

Hang in their and always put on a positive face with your boys....encourage a positive relationship with their dad. They don't HAVE to lose him too, if you don't sabotage it.

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Thank you all for your responses. My husband has made it clear that it isn't a matter of whether he will divorce me, but how long he can stand to stay with me.


Married 19 years Twin DSes - 14 H 1st PA '98 - ONS H 2nd PA jan.'01 to june'01 D-day 6/13/01 H 3rd PA 2005 - 2006 Divorced 2/6/07
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Since you and your husband seem to be civil about the divorce, you should firmly agree that neither of you will denigrate the other when speaking to the children.

As much as it may seem justified to bash the other parent, the victims will be the children. They should be repeatedly reassured that both of you still love them and that both of you will still be in their lives.

I'll go out on a limb and suggest that you work out an interim parenting agreement. Once in place, inform the children and move into separate households. This transition will give each of you privacy and ease the children into their new lives. Unless you have reasons to do so, don't let your lawyer push you into a nasty and expensive custody battle.

My 11 and 13 year old children are an emotional mess (they could be much worse) in my +2 year and ongoing divorce. Both ex-wife and I continued living in the marital home until last April. We had an interim parenting plan that gave each of us about 50% time with the children, but she intefered with my parenting time. I moved out in order to retain my sanity and move on with my life.

She alienated my daughters from me and now the 3 of us are in therapy. My ex-wife's goal was to keep the children away from my family, culture, and religion by turning them against me, so the court would see how much they hated me and award full custody to her. It backfired during the custody evaluation, and she was found to be an alienating parent who did not encourage the father-child relationship.

It has been slow progress to regain their respect, trust, and friendship, but I'm persistent. The difficulty with pre-teenagers is that they want independence, but you still want some control over their lives.

What I see after +2 years is simple neglect. The children grew up in a vacuum with no rules, no guidance, no manners, no social growth, and no cares. Their mother spoiled them with gadgets and complete freedom. The most apparent changes were declining grades, lack of self confidence, the younger clings to the elder, lots of sarcasm, poor eating habits, and selfishness.

I'm in the process of rebuilding my younger's self confidence and will be tutoring her daily until she's an A student again.

Sorry, for the long reply, but there are many ways for things to play out during the divorce, but the divorce itself should be kept between the parents.

good luck....


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Thanks, skesh. I certainly don't want to be an "alienating parent." My feelings are so hurt by my husband's lack of love for me that it's going to be hard to speak kindly of him to the boys. I will do my best to keep the divorce between my husband and me.


Married 19 years Twin DSes - 14 H 1st PA '98 - ONS H 2nd PA jan.'01 to june'01 D-day 6/13/01 H 3rd PA 2005 - 2006 Divorced 2/6/07
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Speaking "kindly" may be a bit of a stretch, just avoid saying anything nasty. Also, try to think of a good quality he has....doesn't have to be character! For example, I often encourage my children in school choir by commenting "your dad has a great voice and is a wonderful singer", which is true. He also did community theatre and I've encouraged my oldest to go out for school plays by talking about how good an actor his dad is. I'm sure your soon to be ex has SOME good qualities, even if they aren't moral, and at their age, the kids won't pick up on the fact that those qualities might be pretty minor in terms of the relationship; they'll just see you as "not hating dad".

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Get your boys into a support group or counselling. They are young enough hopefully they will be willing to go.

Don't talk negatively about your Ex in front of your children and be there to support them in their pain of having their family broken. Its a big change and they'll need a lot of love and support.

And most of all : take care of yourself and be the best person you can be. When one parent is lacking its even more important you step up to the plate and be the strongest, most loving, and most supportive parent you can be.

If you do all that I'm sure your boys will do great. No kids like divorce but it doesn't have to be a life scaring event.

Take Care,

Miker


I was the BS - 36
She was the WS - 36, PA with MM
DS8, DD13, DD15 - All living with Dad
DDay 05/04, Divorced 08/05
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Anna and Miker, thanks so much for your input.

Anna, I like your idea of speaking of your ex's good qualities, which in my case is his interest in the boys' boy scout activities. Everyone is convincing me that I have to refrain from speaking negatively about my H.

Miker, I appreciate your encouragement. I pray frequently that there could be some way out of this, but it doesn't seem likely.

I'd like to post more, but I'm feeling paranoid about who might be lurking.

Rose Red


Married 19 years Twin DSes - 14 H 1st PA '98 - ONS H 2nd PA jan.'01 to june'01 D-day 6/13/01 H 3rd PA 2005 - 2006 Divorced 2/6/07
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There are some really good Co Parenting classes on line that help you understand how children at all ages may react and what's important to project for them to be the least harmed as possible by this tragedy.

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What are you going to say when he loses interest in all their activities, including Boy Scouting? His OW is not likely to be happy with his investing lots of time away from her in Boy Scouting activities. Be prepared for him to turn into a different person, not only in his relationship with you, but also with the children and in unrelated areas.

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Thanks, ya'll.

Hopeandpray, could you direct me to some of the co-parenting classes, or have you used any yourself? My husband now wants us to go to a counselor his lawyer has suggested (to tell us how to handle the boys, not to work on the marriage), and I have already had several sessions with a counselor on the subject. So far the significant advice seems to be: don't offer much in the way of explanations (which the boys won't be able to assimilate yet, anyway); do offer reassurances that they are loved and will be taken care of; assure them that they are in no way responsible for the divorce; and try to offer them as many concrete plans as possible ("we will continue living in this house for a while longer and then will eventually get a smaller house for the three of us...", etc.). I think this advice is good, but I still think the whole experience will crush my precious boys.

Nellie, I don't have any idea that he has a new OW. He did have affairs in the past, but now seems to have just fallen out of love with me. I hope he won't lose interest in the boys's activities, but if he does I don't know what I will say. At first when he told me he wanted a divorce, he called the boys every night from the road, but he's stopped that now. He did just come back from taking the boys to Crater Lake in Oregon with the Scouts. They were gone for 11 days, which I hope bodes well for the future but I wouldn't be surprized if he eventually turned into a different person. He is already a different person with me.

Rose Red


Married 19 years Twin DSes - 14 H 1st PA '98 - ONS H 2nd PA jan.'01 to june'01 D-day 6/13/01 H 3rd PA 2005 - 2006 Divorced 2/6/07
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I think that not telling the truth about the reason for divorce is the major reason for kids blaming themselves. If they don't have a reasonable explanation, they are going to come up with one or their own. At 13, they are absolutely old enough to understand what infidelity is, and possibly old enough to guess that that is the cause (from my experience, if they were girls they would probably know that - my teenagers told me in no uncertain terms that men/boys don't end a relationship unless there is someone waiting in the wings.)


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