I have been posting for about 6 months to this site. Basically my story is that my H had an affair with a co-worker at his second job in November. I confronted him, but he refused to admit it. I finally confronted him with facts in January and have been struggling to recover ever since. h has never met my need for affection. he has had trouble showing me that he has cared for years. H has always said I was controlling. We both know that we have issues that we have to deal with, but seem to not be able to find the time to want to do them. When we are in a stage that things are going well, I don't want to bring them up and ruin the good times we are having. When we are upset or arguing, we don't want to talk about it because of fear of saying things because we are angry. We have decided to talk once a week like a counseling appointment. I think it will work.

I guess I am just typing because I am trying to clear my head. H and I were up rambling/ arguing about things from 9:00 to 3:00 and then again at 5:00 when he had to get up for work. WE decided to seperate, then we decided to divorce, then we decided to keep trying. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />I told H many things last night. He said many things too! I really feel that we are two people who really care about each other, but are having a hard time getting on the right track.

Any suggesttions- I know we need to stop LBing. We both have empty love banks and are not really receptive to working on it but have agreed that it would be awful to destroy all that we have worked hard to build as a family. We both want to be apart of the family we made, we both would like the other to be the right one, and we both need to make change.

What are some suggestions on ways to get started? I have read SAA and most of HNHN with my spouse. I have the workbook, 5 steps to romantic love to accompany the HNHN book. I have been reading and posting for months. I want to begin recovery. Should we begin with LBers or ENs and what if anythings have worked for you in trying to make things work?

Can you tell us more about what happened in January? There could be one of several reasons for what you are experiencing, but honestly, the most likely one is that he is still in contact with the OW. That should be ruled in or out first, because what you should do depends entirely on whether he has been in NC for six months, or not.

His actions in January will be telling, and you will probably need to look around a bit for signs of contact.

How accessible is the OW? Does he have any unaccounted-for time? Have you checked his cell phone records, looked for a second cell phone, or looked for a calling card? Have you checked all his emails?

Hopefully he is not in contact, but knowing one way or the other will affect your approach.

Call Steve H @ MB for a recovery plan. A personal recovery for each of you then one together as a couple.

You both read the books, what out of them are you applying?

L.

I am 99.9% sure that he has no contact with the other women ( he spends all time with us except work and lunch. He could be emailing her but I doubt it. I dont' think he even likes her. He used her to escape his pain and then dumped her when he didn't want to commit to her. She wanted him to leave me and the kids for her- HE said NO). In January, at first he said I have been calling her. Then a day later it was I was hanging out with her. Then I blatantly asked about SF. He said they had twice before x-mas and it was over because she was working on it with her H and he also said he was getting too close an dhe didn't need to women to deal with. He said the reason for the SF was because I was so controlling and this was like a FU to show he was in control. I had been telling him for months/ years before this that if he needs his space he needs to take it. H wouldn't do anything and then continue to complain. I told him to go out after work and to go out with firends. The I give him what he wants and he SF with OW!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I will admit I felt that I never felt loved and may have been clingy at times. I really don't think that his story is straight. I mean the week before he began to call her was our 10 year anniversay. He gave me a past present and future diamond. Very confusing for me. First he says he loves me and gives me a ring. Then he goes out with another women. I think he felt that he would do everything that he could for me and felt that I didn't appreciate it. When he gave me the diamond he said I could have bought a kayak for the same price!YUK! I was sooooo upset. I asked him to tell me why he loved me and he said he couldn't. I didn't want some material piece to wear. I wanted his affection and love. I think this was the big turning point for the worse. He came to me a week later and told me that he has never loved me for 10 years-ouch! I immediately began to make life as wonderful as possible for him as best as I could. I showed him how much I cared by finishing work early, preparing dinner when he arrived, having the kids down for a nap to talk about things, I began to set up dates, call him to say Hi during the day, freshen up before he got home, surprise him with goodies from the kitchen....everything that I did when I stayed at home all the time. I thought that things were okay, but then I found out about the affair. Januray was an okay month. I tried soooooo hard to meet his every need. He did nothing. I felt that early June he was coming out of the fog. i really am having trouble facing the fact that I don't think that he wants to be with me. He say I don't care either way and I wish we would have never met. OUCH some more. then he will turn around and say I really care about you and I want to be with you more than anyone else. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Today I am exhausted. Niether of us slept. I have stomach bug and to answer orchid's question, No we have not began to apply anything. H says he has trouble concentrating on the book and I should paraphrase it for him. We just need to delve into the workbook and begin to do it. I can't afford Steve's private session. I sooooooooooooo wish I could. Things are really tight and I am feeling stressed from that also.

Sorry u r not feeling well. Don't wait for him to read and apply. U do your part 1st!

L.