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Joined: Jul 2006
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I am a 36 year old female who has had an affair and am now living with my lover. I was married to my high school sweetheart, who was the only man I'd ever been with. We are still married, but our marriage of almost 18 years will be over on Sept 6th. I thought I had made the right decision by staying with my lover after my husband found out, but after 7 months of living with my lover, I'm afraid I have made a BIG mistake. He is not at all what I was first attracted to, but I do care for him. I dont want to hurt his feelings, but my gut keeps telling me that I am doing the wrong thing, and I need to move out. My husband and I talk almost every day and he knows that I am sorry and miserable staying with my lover. He has told me that if I move out on my own, that there might still be a chance for us. I am so confused, I just dont know what I want right now. One thing is for sure...I dont want a divorce, so I guess that tells me that I do want a chance to redeem our marriage. I know this sounds crazy, but I dont want to "hurt" my lover by moving out. He says that I am the best thing thats ever happened to him, etc. Another problem is that we work together, which would be a very uncomfortable situation should I move out. Has anyone out there ever been in my same situation??? Can you give me some advice before its too late????
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Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 10,060
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Move out.
Get a different job.
Your f-buddy is a jerk to knowingly screw around with a married woman. You owe him NOTHING.
Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit.
edited based on krusht's good observation
Last edited by worthatry; 07/20/06 02:43 PM.
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Joined: Oct 2003
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My advice is pretty simple: move out of the OM's (other man's) house, you are a married woman so start acting like one. Stop contact with the OM until the divorce is final; if you wish to reconcile with your H, then you will obviously need to cut out all contact the OM. This will mean changing jobs, it may even mean relocating. Yes, it will hurt the OM’s feelings, but seriously, how do you think his hurt would compare to your H’s? He is married to you and you are living with someone else . . . that’s got to smart a little, no?
What was your marriage like before you got involved in this affair? What are the good qualities of your H? Do you have children?
This is a terribly stressful and uncertain time, but you can recover your marriage if you, and your H, wish to do so. Does your H read here?
The first step to regaining your integrity is to stop doing the things that jeopardized it in the first place . . . in this case you need to stop this affair, now.
What we think or what we know or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do. ~ John Ruskin
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Joined: May 2005
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Hi guiltmisery:
I know 4 women that cheated on their husbands and found another man. All 4 of them are divorced and are very unhappy. You know I always here on TV and from women that a good man is hard to find. It must be true because women that have affairs find out that the new guy they found is no better than the one they dumped. I guess it would be like getting a new car and finding out you like the old one better.
You will have a tough choice to make. It sounds like your husband is a real keeper to even consider trying to save your marriage. When this happened to me I told my wife to go ahead and have a great life with the OM. I filed for divorce and now she is begging me to stop it and she wants her old life back.
I hope you make a wise decision.
Some of us cannot handle the betrayal. If you want any chance with your husband you should move out right away.
Let me leave you with this. How would you feel if you were in your husbands shoes. What if you were at home one day and found out that your husband was with another woman. He moved out on you and was living with the other woman. It is very painful but all I can say is your new life with the OM (other man) is a fantasy. I think you are starting to realize that!
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Joined: Apr 2001
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I hope you aren't silly enough to sacrifice your well being because you don't want to hurt someone's feelings? That's a little immature, don't ya think? You should listen to your gut because it is right. You will be dumping a good, faithful man for a man who has no respect for marriage. When he tires of you, he will just move onto the next affair. Why would a sane person sign on for that?
Move out, get another job and restore some sanity and decency back to your life.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Sep 2000
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You will have a tough choice to make. I disagree. This is an extremely easy choice. A no brainer. Then only tough part is seeing the obvious choice with blinders on. Remove the blinders. Her husband has the tough choice. WAT
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Joined: Apr 2003
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Hi guiltmisery:
I know 4 women that cheated on their husbands and found another man. All 4 of them are divorced and are very unhappy. You know I always here on TV and from women that a good man is hard to find. It must be true because women that have affairs find out that the new guy they found is no better than the one they dumped. I guess it would be like getting a new car and finding out you like the old one better.
You will have a tough choice to make. It sounds like your husband is a real keeper to even consider trying to save your marriage. When this happened to me I told my wife to go ahead and have a great life with the OM. I filed for divorce and now she is begging me to stop it and she wants her old life back.
I hope you make a wise decision.
Some of us cannot handle the betrayal. If you want any chance with your husband you should move out right away.
Let me leave you with this. How would you feel if you were in your husbands shoes. What if you were at home one day and found out that your husband was with another woman. He moved out on you and was living with the other woman. It is very painful but all I can say is your new life with the OM (other man) is a fantasy. I think you are starting to realize that! This is like one of the best responses and advise Ive ever read. My EX did exactly the same thing.....but, it was way too late. I remarried by the time she came to her senses. She called my house/cell all the time after my remarriage, crying, feeling terrible about breaking up the family, about ruining our marriage.....yada, yada, yada. Anyhow, like the above poster said.....you are lucky your H wants to work it out. RUN back home before he changes his mind.
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Move back home with your H and be the wife he always wanted and you always wanted to be.
Quit your job and get a new one.
Establish no contact with OM.
Work on you marriage like your life depends on it. It does.
Be completely Honest and open with your H. Be completely transparent.
Why is it that WWs worry about hurting OMs, but have no problem with or consideration at all for hurting H and kids???
"Never argue with idiots or WSs, They just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience"
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Joined: Jul 2005
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Wake up.
Put on your big girl panties and do the right thing.
You are acting like a teenaged bimbo.
You are more worried about hurting the 'feeings' of a man who was your accomplice in destroying your marriage???
Puh-lease.
Grow up
Move out
Quit your job
Apologize and do everything you can to redeem yourself with your husband.
Put all of the effort you can manage into being the woman and wife you now you ought to be.
Do those things and we will all be here with you to encourage you in your recovery.
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Has anyone out there ever been in my same situation??? Yes. Unfortunately your sitch is NOT unique. Can you give me some advice before its too late???? Yes. Absolutly. Go back to your husband. Quit your job. Establish No Contact FOREVER with the OM. Work like you've never worked before to restore your marriage. It CAN be done! Continue posting and bring your H. We'll help both of you through this as best we can! Stay Strong and Resolute! You can do this!
WTF
*** Warning *** Make sure brain is engaged before shifting mouth out of Neutral.
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Joined: Oct 2005
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This is how I read your post: I am a 36 year old female who is cheating on my husband at this very moment. I was married to my high school sweetheart, who was the only man I'd ever been with. We are still married, but our marriage of almost 18 years will be over on Sept 6th mainly because I continue to cheat. I thought I had made the right decision by staying with the other man after my husband found out, but after 7 months of living with this guy reality has finally set in, I'm afraid I have made a BIG mistake. He is not at all what I was first attracted to, but I do care for him. I dont want to hurt his feelings, but my morals keep telling me that I am doing the wrong thing, and I need to move out. My husband and I talk almost every day and I would like to believe he thinks that I am sorry and miserable living with this other man because really I am. He has told me that if I move out on my own, that there might still be a chance for us. I am so confused, I just dont know what I want right now, but one thing is for sure...I dont want a divorce even though I'm with this other guy and not my husband, so I guess that tells me that I do want a chance to redeem our marriage. I know this sounds crazy, but I dont want to "hurt" my other man by moving out and back in with my husband, does this make sense? I hope so because I like to think I feel more human by being concerned about other people's feelings. He says that I am the best thing thats ever happened to him, another man's wife etc etc etc etc. Another problem is that we work together, which is how we met in the first place and started sneaking around and now which would be a very uncomfortable situation should I move out and go back to my husband. Has anyone out there ever been in my same situation??? I feel unique here. Can you give me some advice before its too late???? Or should I have thought this whole thing out more thoroughly by the water fountain at work in the beginning because I really don't like doing the wrong thing or "hurt" anyone including my husband or more importantly my other man who I am currently living with because I don't want to hurt him.
Sing loud for the sunshine, pray hard for the rain.
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Joined: Jan 2004
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Guilty, thank your lucky stars that you are beginning to see the Affair La La Land for what it is. You are living on a plot of land that is a pile of dung. If I'm remembering correctly the romance stage lasts anywhere from 6 months to 2 yrs. Again be thankful that you seem to be turning the corner to reality soon enough that there might still be time to save your M. The fact that your H is still willing to try to recover your M after you've been shacking up with OM for 7 months says a lot about him. He knows and understands committment.
Why do you think the vast majority of A relationships don't survive? First off they are based on total fantasy. Plus, how can anyone have a great R that is based on lies, deceipt, selfishness, and walking over others?
Wake up girl! You're here for a reason. Follow your gut before it's too late. Care about the misery you've piled on your H and help him to heal. The OM knew exactly what he was walking into when he chose to get into your M. If you are sincere about becomeing a healthy person again you will get lots of help and support here. Quit cake-eating. Living with OM and talking to your H daily isn't doing anyone any good. Dump OM, find another job, and try to recover your M. One day you will be very grateful if you do. I can tell you this for sure, the path with OM will only lead you to more misery!
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I don't mean to be disrespectful, but you didn't have a problem hurting your HUSBAND'S feelings when you betrayed and then moved out on him to LIVE with this OM. Somewhat in-your-face hurtfulness, wouldn't you say.
Unlike OM, you made "promises" to your husband, and then hurt him anyway. So why is it so hard to hurt someone you have made no promises or vows or have history with.
I really don't think its about hurting someone's feelings based on your past behaviour. Think about it.
You are very blessed your husband is considering rebuilding your marriage. You might consider its likely he may not give you another chance.
JMVHO,
Jo
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I dont want to hurt his feelings feelings get hurt everyday what YOU want is to not look like "the bad guy" what is worse than looking like "the bad guy"? ~~~> living a lie Pep
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GM, When you refer to the OM you are committing ADULTRY with as your LOVER I have trouble controlling my gag reflex. Don't you mean your sex partner/f###buddy, rather than lover?? Please call him the OM. ""and am now living with my lover."" ""I thought I had made the right decision by staying with my lover"" ""but after 7 months of living with my lover, I'm afraid I have made a BIG mistake."" ""he knows that I am sorry and miserable staying with my lover."" ""but I dont want to "hurt" my lover by moving out."" Please don't call him your lover <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />. Don't try rationalize this away. Unless of course you are IN LOVE with the pond scum. Sorry if I'm harsh, but as I read your post LOVER keeps screaming out at me. krk
CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
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I know this sounds crazy, but I dont want to "hurt" my lover by moving out. He says that I am the best thing thats ever happened to him, etc. By defintion, an affair is a selfish act. Knowing that, I lean towards the reason you are hesitant to end it isn't about hurting the OM's feelings (because we know you hurt your husband's feelings by having this affair) but instead you are worried about losing the "feelings" you feel about yourself which the OM fuels. Based on the above quote in bold written by you, he makes you feel great about yourself, ETC. You fear losing that. Its still all about you.
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Joined: Jul 2006
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WOW - thanks for making me see what I've been trying to say all along!! And thanks to all of you that have given me pretty much the same advice - move out, quit job, and work on restoring myself and my marriage. All responses have been of tremendous help to me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />
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gm - good girl.
This bodes well for you. Humility is absolutely necessary.
Please direct your H to this site.
You both will be received openly and warmly - and we offer equal opportunity tough love.
WAT
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I wish I had something new to add, but I don't.
Leave the OM. No contact ever again.
Return to your H.
Be open and honest with him. Be prepared to work hard.
If he will take you back, you are lucky.
Hardlesson
BS: Me (41)
FWW: XW (40)
Children: Three daughers (2, 10, 13)
DDay: 6/3/2006
M: 19 years
Divorced: 10/4/2006
Out of the valley of dispair and working my way back up the mountain.
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WOW - thanks for making me see what I've been trying to say all along!! And thanks to all of you that have given me pretty much the same advice - move out, quit job, and work on restoring myself and my marriage. All responses have been of tremendous help to me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> Words are nice. Actions are better. What are you going to DO?
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