Hello.

A few weeks ago, an ex-girlfriend called me that i haven't talked to in 10 years. She said that she was thinking about me... that she still kept all of the letters i sent her, and that she regreted how things ended. She regrets not telling me how she felt.

What do you think her intentions are? She wants to meet for coffee sometime---without spouses (alone).

My wife and i are recovering from an affair that she had... we are 3 months in recovery.

I'm very courious about why this ex-girlfriend is calling now of all times...

My wife wants me to not talk to her, but i feel like she shouldn't have a say in the matter...

Any thoughts?

C'mon.....you cant be serious??? You know exactly what your Ex-girlfriend wants. Listen, two wrongs dont make a right.....even though I know you want your WW to know exactly what you have gone thru. I think you are setting yourself up for a revenge affair. If you want to save your marriage and start recovery, dont go. PERIOD!!!!

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.

Do not meet her. Stop corresponding with her.

How would you feel if your WIFE was planning to meet an XBF, who happened to mention his regrets and wanted to tell her how he "felt" about her????

You cannot be this naive after being on this site for 5 months.

If you are truly in RECOVERY, then you should employ the "Policy of Joint Agreement" and you should only continue if your wife ENTHUSIASTICALLY supports it.

Why not call her spouse and ask him what's up?

Do you want to contribute to being fantasy fodder for an exGF...you know this isn't about you being you...her running from her problems...

Have you learned there are three parts to the marriage? Her part, your part and The Marriage? When she doesn't have a say in your choices, The Marriage does...when you feel you cannot honor yourself or your wife, you can choose to honor the marriage...

You know this now...don't blow it. Please. Resentment and anger got your wife to become wayward...learn from that...with your own.

LA

Do you want to stay married to your wife?

That is a pretty simple question. If you do then do not get involved with this old grilfried.

One realationship at a time. One is hard enough for anyone to do right.

I know it would be a h2ll of an ego stroking to have this old girlfriend show interest in you, but you need to walk away from this before you get yourself in any deeper.

Isn't she your wife? Why wouldn't she have a say in it?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Do you want to be married? Because you sure aren't acting like it.

"She said that she was thinking about me... that she still kept all of the letters i sent her, and that she regreted how things ended. She regrets not telling me how she felt."


"She wants to meet for coffee sometime---without spouses (alone)."

It is pretty obvious what her intentions are.

You are 3 months into recovery from your wifes A, you are still in a very hurtful place, you have feelings right now that you can't understand, you want so much to feel 100% loved by one person, you are wounded from the A. BUT, you have made a choice to stay with your wife and work things out....so, you have to stick to the same rules that you expect her to.

Be the bigger person in this situation and avoid the temptation!

I echo MelodyLane. Why should your wife's A affect her right to protect the marriage NOW? She did not value the marriage enough in the past to protect it, but that does not give you a tit-for-tat right to be careless.

Whenever an injustice is done to us, there is always a playground temptation to 'even things up' by acting at the same low level as the transgressor. The problem with that strategy is that there is no definitive measure of damage; the other will think you have 'evened it up' too much, and imagine they have a right to redress the balance a bit more fairly, and so on...

It seems an odd thing, but romantic opportunities are often thick on the ground after a partner's affair. Perhaps not so odd - we're off-balance and sending out signals in all directions, the grapevine vibrates over long distances, we don't close off opportunities quite as automatically as before... What I mean is, it's not Karma that the xGF is in touch!

Dr Harley says there should be NO CONTACT with former lovers- NONE.

A few years ago, my FWS's olf girlfriend from HS/college emailed- looking for a mutal friend - the mutual friend's family still lives in the same house same number- and she emailed a married man to get the info??? RIght.

WE emailed her back together.

Fast forward a few years - old gf emails again- this time it goes to the office- not the house. They start emailing, chatting, gets physical, etc.

Come on, use the head attached to your shoulders and think.

NO CONTACT with former lovers - unless you don't value the marriage you are working on rebuilding. If that is the case, get a divorce and find someone who is unmarried,

pd,
Have you taken the EN questionnaire w/ your WW? It sounds like you're flattered that this XGF called you. Well good for your self esteem. Okay, someone is interested in you. Your WW knows that you have other options. You've still got "it", but bad idea. A similar thing happened to me just as my H and I were having lots of problems. My XBF didn't have a clue I was having problems in my M but my responses to my XBF showed him that I was open to the idea of reconcilliation w/ him. I had to stop myself and cut all ties. I could certainly justify it in my mind, but I knew it was wrong, wrong, wrong. You know it or you wouldn't have asked.

You probably talked through this with your WW but it's almost like time stands still for a moment before you make the decision to do wrong. Right now time is standing still for you. Knowing how hurt you've been over the past 3 months and the fact that you're on this site tells me you're cognizant of the pain affairs can cause. Don't leave more rubbish in your path. You obviously didn't burn all bridges with your XGF. You should probably send her a no contact letter and tell her you're married and are working to have a stronger marriage. If you see other correspondence from your XGF, don't open it, delete it, destroy it, block her # from your phone or change your #.

stay strong!

nordstrom

pdavenport...

LA hit it dead on when she talked of your EX-GF running from her own problems...Do NOT be flattered by this attention...Your EX-GF is a soul sick individual looking to pull you down with her...Don't become the rat in the cage just pushing a button to get your fix, ie. you stroke ex-gf's ego, she strokes yours...

AGAIN, DO NOT BE FLATTERED BY THIS, rather, BE INSULTED THAT SHE WOULD THINK YOU LOW ENOUGH TO DO THIS WITH HER...

My own affair was with an EX-BF, sadly, I am speaking from experience...History + Newness + Sagging Egos=DISASTER!!!

You do NOT get a "get out of jail free card" based on your wife's infidelity...Your transgression would be just as bad, if not worse, because you've been at MB, and you KNOW how to recognize the red flags and how to protect yourself...Stop Dead in Your Tracks!!! YES, YOUR WIFE HAS A HUGE SAY IN THIS!!!

Mrs. W

Edited to Add...Do you understand the concept that people "Affair Down"? Do you want to be the person that your ex-gf "affairs down" with? That would make you LOW...LOW...LOW...And you aren't, are you?

pd - is this a backdoor way of demonstrating something to your wife during recovery?

Very devious.

Not very smart.

Lessons about infidelity shouldn't be played out.

I suspect this is some sort of demonstration because no MB savy BS would be SOOOOOOO STOOOOOOPID to seriously entertain such activity.

JMHO

WAT

pd...

Be the man that you've always aspired to be...In life you ACT, you don't REACT...Meeting with your EX-GF would be classic REACTING!!!

Mrs. W

Thanks for the feedback. I didn't have time to finish post what has happened since the initial contact from the ex.

I wrote her an email satating that I was glad that we got a chance to catch up through email and phone, but that it would be a bad idea to meet without our spouses present. ---I cced this to my wife.

The ex responded to both of us sating that she understood...
Then the ex sent a seperate response to just me saying that my email was arrogant, and that made her mad... That she had no intentions other than friendship.

I fwded the response to my wife... and later we sent her a no contact letter together. We haven't heard from her since.

Why are so manny people ******-bent on being conspicious?

I got caught up in wondering what her motives were... it just seemed odd, but I get the picture now.

If i would have been more protective with my wife before she had the affair---and got mad at her for always talking to om "as friends"... maybe i could have prevented the "A". That thought eats me up and I feel like it's partialy my fault.

The fact that ex sent you the followup e-mail calling you arrogant and saying her intentions were purely friendship should tell you they weren't. Such an e-mail is defensive and, if her intentions were purely friendship, she would have had no problems meeting with your spouses present or with your sending her the e-mail you did. In fact, she would have apologized, profusely.

Regards,

BB

ABSOLUTELY TRUE!

What does "affair down" mean?